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lea_09 · Mar 10, 2010, 12:49 PM

I have had many trust issues with my boyfriend. Although we continue to fight a lot, but people say the relationship is not going to be ever in the "honey moon" phase ever again. I feel like he is not trying to trust me again because he wants to have reason to fight with me. He barely says "I love you" anymore because he says I know he does love me, but I deserve to hear it. He is in Florida right now for tennis tournaments he has to play and he made me call him off my house phone to prove to him I am home and not out of town or doing something that I didn't tell him. I care about him, but I want things to work. We have been on the rocks for 3 months already. I don't know what to do...

CarrotTalker · Mar 10, 2010, 01:09 PM

Forcing you to call from your house phone is a little extreme, you can still go places and be honest.

From what your saying, it seems like there is something you did during the relationship to make him lose some trust of you. What is that? Have you tried talking to him about it and telling him what you learned from the experience?

mistyjane · Mar 10, 2010, 01:11 PM

You already know that you can't force somebody to trust you.
Real question is why isn't he trusting you? You say he wants a reason to fight. Why?
Is fighting all the time the way to keep a healthy relationship? I don't think so.
If this is really hard for you I don't see why you just don't tell him about it.
There's no healthy relationship without trust.

AmericanGirl01 · Mar 10, 2010, 01:32 PM

Like the others have said, you cannot force someone to trust you. Trust means to believe. Trust means there is no doubt in your mind about honesty, integrity and credibility. No relationship can survive without trust. Once violated, trust is very difficult to repair and rebuild, so it has to be guarded carefully and constantly nurtured. In order for him to trust you again, he has to be able to forgive you for whatever mistakes you have made, if he can’t do that and insist on clinging to petty problems or keep raking up old issues and fighting then the relationship will not last very much longer.

Kitkat22 · Mar 10, 2010, 01:41 PM

Earn it! Good Luck

chickie543 · Mar 10, 2010, 01:52 PM

Time helps and to never lie to him! Although he seems to REALLY not trust you. I'm surprised he is dating you. I couldn't date someone I had completely no trust in.

Kitkat22 · Mar 10, 2010, 02:25 PM

Has something happened in your relationship to mistrust you? If not then he is
Being way to possesive. Maybe it's like an old saying around my part of the country.

"The guilty dog barks first".

Lucky098 · Mar 10, 2010, 02:45 PM

Have you talked to him about this? Have you expressed your feelings towards him and let him know what is doing is tearing you two apart? Sometimes a reality check helps.

Have you done anything in the past or with previous boyfriends that would cause him to not trust you?

Maybe the trust issues are deeper than just you and him together.

Maybe he is the one screwing around on you.. and instead of confessing or leaving, he's going to make you miserable.

Proper communication is key. If he can't give you a straight answer, or attempt to explore is deeper feelings, then you have no business with a guy who is going torture you emotionally.

Kitkat22 · Mar 10, 2010, 03:22 PM

Originally Posted by Lucky098

Have you talked to him about this? Have you expressed your feelings towards him and let him know what is doing is tearing you two apart? Sometimes a reality check helps.

Have you done anything in the past or with previous boyfriends that would cause him to not trust you?

Maybe the trust issues are deeper than just you and him together.

Maybe he is the one screwing around on you.. and instead of confessing or leaving, he's going to make you miserable.

Proper communication is key. If he can't give you a straight answer, or attempt to explore is deeper feelings, then you have no business with a guy who is going torture you emotionally.

As Lucky stated, there is a reason for this! Did he cheat on you? Did you cheat on him? If the answer is no to both questions then he has some serious emotinal issues about
Himself. Don't let anyone make you feel like a possession instead
Of a person.

lea_09 · Mar 10, 2010, 09:14 PM

Trying to answer all the questions from above... We did have a hard time when he moved 3 hrs away from because of his full scholarship he had received for tennis. Around November last yr was when things got bad. I got invited to a guy's birthday party and I texted him told him what's up. He did not want me to go, but I went anyway. There were other people there besides me. That's when things fell apart. I felt like I had to lie to do what I wanted whether it was good or bad. Like he tried to control the whole relationship by telling me I can't do this or that. He has an identical twin brother who sometimes comes to town. I see him and we go out to eat with friends and stuff because my own boyfriend does not even want to drive down to see me. I always have to make 3 hr trips to see him. And it is not fair that I have to do all the driving. He won't take turns. So my boyfriend and I kept fighting and fighting. He was so immature to a point he broke up with me every other day and expected me to get back together with him. Then I got back into drugs because his twin did it and one day when my boyfriend broke up with me again. I became intimate with his twin. I know it is shady, but we were broken up and I told him the truth about it and so did his brother. What made him mad was that it was his brother and it was not just one time. I had a loving relationship with him too. Like we were close and I can tell him everything. It has been about 7 months since the incident and things are getting better. But he told his mom on me and his brother. Now I feel like she won't accept me... I mean my boyfriend did some bad things to. He was emotionally abusive and had sex with 3 other girls to get even with me.

Kitkat22 · Mar 10, 2010, 09:40 PM

Wow. You slept with his brother? I really think that is something he nor his brother or his family will ever forget. Do you want to go on in this relationship? I don't think it will ever work out, too much controversy.

I think you need to do the right thing and move on and move out! Once the trust is gone it's all going to blow up in your face.
You will never feel comfortable around his family again and neither will they.

I hope you have enough love for him that you can be woman enough to say you're leaving. Trust broken can never be whole
Again. I'mm sorry but that's how I feel.

lea_09 · Mar 10, 2010, 09:49 PM

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

I hope you have enough love for him that you can be woman enough to say you're leaving.

I do love him very much and that week that he left me broke my heart. I rergretted it after I slept with his brother, but I never did it again. I know it was shady, but we were broken up. It would be the same situation if my sister slept with my boyfriend. I would fight with her, but if she is truly sorry I can forgive them both. I mean I love both the boys. But if I dated the other one it would be strange, but eventually they would have to accept it. I mean his brother will always find another girl. They are both incredibly smart and handsome guys.

Kitkat22 · Mar 10, 2010, 10:10 PM

Originally Posted by lea_09

I do love him very much and that week that he left me broke my heart. I rergretted it after I slept with his brother, but I never did it again. I know it was shady, but we were broken up. It would be the same situation if my sister slept with my bf. I would fight with her, but if she is truly sorry I can forgive them both. I mean I love both the boys. But if I dated the other one it would be strange, but eventually they would have to accept it. I mean his brother will always find another girl. They are both incredibly smart and handsome guys.

I'm just saying it's going to be awfully hard to be in a relationship where everything you do is under scrutiny. Ask him !
Tell him you feel like he will never trust you again and see what his reply is.

Look we've all done things we regret, but we can't undo them.
If it's meant to be then a few weeks apart will tell the story.
Some advice drinking, drugs and being out with your boyfriends' brother is a recipe for trouble.

Talk to his mother and tell her what you told us and listen to what she tells you. I just see you never regaining his full trust again and if I were him it would be hard to fogive the brother. Sorry

lea_09 · Mar 10, 2010, 10:17 PM

I have talked to him but I feel like I am only getting half of what he is really telling. He wants things to be perfect but like I said there is not going to be a honey moon phase again. Everybody is telling me to wait till the summer then I will get my answer. I know he has not forgiven his brother because recently they got into a fight because my boyfriend randomly called his mom and told him that his brother was dealing drugs. His twin went and punched and now they do not live together anymore. My boyfriend lives in an apartment and his brother stays at the dorm. They do not like each other and I remember both of them saying that to me even before the incident. Idk if it is just me who separated them or it is just their personalities and the group of friends they choose.

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

Talk to his mother and tell her what you told us and listen to what she tells you.

And what exactly do you say to a mom that you think is still mad at you?

PS: I haven't told my parents we are back together and neither did he.

Kitkat22 · Mar 10, 2010, 10:54 PM

Originally Posted by lea_09

And what exactly do you say to a mom that you think is still mad at you?

PS: I haven't told my parents we are back together and neither did he.

I'm saying let him tell you how he feels. You may not like he tells you but at least you'll know what to expect if you stay with him.

You are not entirely the only one to blame, his brother has broken his heart. How do you think you're going to feel when
He's invited to family funtions and you're not invited. And even
If you are how are you going to feel being there with both brothers.

It's up to you to do the right thing. I just hope you consider the other people involved.

Lucky098 · Mar 10, 2010, 11:47 PM

Sounds like you two need to call it quits.

No wonder he doesn't trust you. He felt uncomfortable with you going to a guys birthday party. You ignored him. Instead of telling him that you have friends and a life outside of him, you just lied.

Lying never solves anything. It makes it 100 times worse than what it really should be.

You hooked up with his brother. That is such a huge no-no... If I were him, I wouldn't have even given you a second or third chance.

Yes, everything in a relationship should be 50/50. But, from the sounds of it.. He really doesn't want to go that extra mile for you. If you're available and willing, its OK. If your asking for him to pick up his share, its just not important.

You both screwed up your relationship. Time to fess up, and either forgive each other and let the past be the past, or leave.

Why force something to work that obviously isn't?

Kitkat22 · Mar 11, 2010, 11:12 AM

You don't have children, so you don't know how hard it is for a mother to see the children she would give her life for at each others throat. I would rather someone hurt me than to see my children fight over something and end up breaking each others hearts and trust.

You did this to his family and his twin brother went right ahead without even considering it would cause this mess. You need to be out of their lives. Move on and find someone else.

AmericanGirl01 · Mar 11, 2010, 12:08 PM

Wow, what you did in my book is definitely unforgivable. Not only did you cheat, but with his brother?

This is his brother, his family. No offence but you are just a girl in this picture. They have some major issues that they need to definitely work out, not only will it be very hard for your boyfriend to forgive his brother but how do you expect them to even try with you in the picture? You need to take whatever dignity you have left and walk away.

It shocks me that you can't see this. If you love him, you would want what's best for him. What's best for him is to focus on fixing things with his family. You're being extremely selfish by preventing this from happening. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh.

Please let him fix this mess with his family, this is the only family he has. Please stop being so selfish and move on and allow them to heal.

Kitkat22 · Mar 11, 2010, 12:26 PM

The sooner you tell him it's over and move on, the better. I

Believe if you two feel like you can't tell your folks your back

Together that says it all.

If you love ths giuy let him go. There is no future for you two.

Walk away with a little dignity. Let this family rebuild what you

Helped tear apart.

talaniman · Mar 11, 2010, 02:43 PM

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I highly recommend it! ASAP!!