[vanheart]

Yes, that's breaking up all over again.

It will set you back & hurt you double.

[vanheart]

Kevin.

I feel for you, I really do.

I know all too well about the jetting & jetting out.

She's letting loose and your feeling like crap.

Once reality soaks in for her & comes back, she's been thing on how to scramble. Be your pal is her agenda, have that when it works for her.

Please don't be that guy. These girls need their space. Give it to her.

If you do that & NC, you will walk away proud and stronger.

I know you can.

[Kevin86]

Thanks vanheart!

Last night I met with a bunch of old friends from Holland, we played some poker, and talked about random stuff. I had a good time, but last night I slept really bad. I woke up several times, and dreamed a lot about my ex.

I feel so angry inside. This whole situations is so frustrating. She broke up in the worst possible way. But she is having fun in Vancouver, and has a lot of distraction. I'm here stuck in Holland in so much pain. And it seems like she doesn't even care. I really hope she will feel what I feel, or at least a little bit when she is back home doing her daily thing again.

When I'm back I need to tell her how she made me feel, and I'm going to tell her that I'm really disappointed in her. I also want to say that the last 4 months were not worth anything to me anymore. I know she is not going to like this, and that's why that will give me a little bit of satisfaction. If I'm not going to tell her my frustrations, I will have to carry this with me the rest of my life, and that seems way worse than breaking down again.

[dynocompe]

BY you telling her you are really disappointed in her, THAT IS TELLING HER THAT YOU ARE FRUSTRATED!
Instead of telling her anything bad like that, which will just make her think she made the right decision more and more. I would tell her that you completely understand why she wanted to break up and that you think it is the best for both of you as well. Trust me, this approach works 10 times better than trying to make her feel guilty(because she won't anyways)
This approach makes her wonder, why is he all of a sudden all fine with this break up? And then you will be on her mind all the time, and she will be rethinking A lot!

[Kevin86]

I understand this will work for most people. In the last email my ex sent to me, she told me to be strong, and do fun things with my family and friends. So it really seems like she cares how I feel, I think she would feel guilty if she knew how I was feeling. She also adores my family, and she would hate it if they would be mad/disappointed in her.

I know I should focus on myself, but believe me, I am. That's why I'm trying to figure out what the best way to tell her is, to give myself a little bit of a good feeling.

Right now I feel different than earlier today. I'm still super down and nauseous, but right now I feel like sending her an email letting her know I don't want to meet with her, because I'm too disappointed in her.

In our last Skype conversation I told her it would be better not to meet, and I also told her I was going to delete her Facebook. She kind of freaked out a little bit, she still loves to see pic's of me and my family.

I don't know anymore what the best thing to do is. I just want her to feel a little bit bad too.

[dynocompe]

Duh she freaked out! Because right now you are her little puppy dog. You have already tried pleaing with her, and asking why and why. It never worked. When you reject them, it often brings them crawling back. By you acting strong, and her not seeing you weak over this break up, IT WILL MAKE HER FEEL BAD! It will make her feel like she made the wrong decision, it will make her wonder about you, and COME TO YOU!
IF this girl cares as MUCH as you say she does. She will come to you, if you truly tell her that you understand why she broke up with you and agree that is was best. And then delete her off your Facebook. And do NC.
Start right now by doing NC, then in 2 weeks time, shoot her a e-mail telling her that you completely understand why she wanted to break up, and that you agree it was for the best for both of you.
Then wait for her reply. Whatever you do, do not talk to her about your guys relationship, ask her why she broke up, what happened, how she could just stop loving you. Nothing like that, nothing out of your mouth should be negative. Everything should be positive and seem to her that you are well and happy.
I dare u to try it, you have nothing else to lose.

[amicon]

You're not focusing on you when you're still thinking about what you should be doing as regards her.

Go NC for your own sake,and forget about wanting your ex to feel bad.

Start thinking about how to make you feel better and eventually happy again.

[Kevin86]

Sorry amicon, I can't just focus on myself before doing 'something'. I have to do something, before I can let it rest.

I'm just not sure if I can send her a positive email. It will kill me, If she will be like 'ok cool'.

I'm leaning more towards an email saying that I don't want to meet, without really going into details.

[talaniman]

Write them down first Kevin (your feelings and frustrations), then walk away, and come back in an hour or so and see what you have written. I hope you let us know about your feelings after this is done.

[dynocompe]

She has already demonstrated the fact that she is not going to say "OK good"
If you really want to make anything of this, you have to put your ego aside. Nothing really bad happened in this relationship other than distance, hence why you can't stop thinking about this and why and what happened.
These answers you are looking for, she is never going to give you, she may not even really know herself. It's a waste of time and will only cause more grief than good

[Kevin86]

As I said before, I will update my situation regularly until it really ends:)

I wrote a letter to my ex a couple days ago. That was on the first day I started getting really mad at her actions. I think that letter is way too negative, even though everything in it I still mean.

However I just wrote another email, a really short one. I'm telling her that we should not meet back in California, and that I respect her decision. I also tell her that I thought our relation was healthy enough to tell me about her feelings. And in the last part I tell her that all her cards, letters, promises, nice words etc are not worth anything anymore.

I will reread it tonight, and then make a decision if I'm going to send it.

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rant, Not to be taken personally

You young guys really do have a hard time just chalking things up to experience and moving on to the next challenge! No, all you know is what your feeling, which is angry, frustrated, and hurt, and want every freaking body to know it. ( Its called throwing a hissy fit, because you didn't get what you want ) Kids have the luxury of doing that (not without consequences, and they really don't like that!), but MEN, ARE REALLY EXPECTED TO KNOW BETTER THAN TO THROW HISSY FITS, because the consequences are greater, and should be mature enough to know they can't always have what they want, when they want it.

Men are EXPECTED to cope with their feelings much better than a child that doesn't know better YET!).

There are better ways to deal with your feelings besides throwing a hissy fit, so find them.

End of rant!

[dynocompe]

All your doing right now, is making her hate the thought of you, she will dread seeing you and anything about you.
You got to remember she broke up with you! SHe is going to expect you to be angry, so this isn't going to hurt her , even though in her head you think she is different and it will.
By acting like nothing about the break up bothers you, and be nice to her, and not bring up anything to do with your relationship or break up, this will confuse her deeply

[Kevin86]

I admit that I don't know how to cope with my feeling at the moment. I'm not embarrassed about it, since this was my first love.

I'm still going to send her an email. I made it even shorter, I'm telling her I respect her decision, to follow her dreams, and good luck with everything.

[dynocompe]

Don't send her anything right now! Just go NC, let things settle, show her your serious about NC

[talaniman]

Do you expect a reply, or response? If you do, don't send it. This is where you have to be honest with yourself. How would no response make you feel?

That's why people send things to other people is to get a response, so how would you really feel if she didn't?

dont send her anything right now! just go NC, let things settle, show her ur serious about NC

Its irelevant to try and show someone your serious about NC. You have to show yourself your serious about healing by going NC!

The subtle difference is HUGE.

[Kevin86]

I deleted my ex a couple days ago from my Facebook account. I felt really proud.

I just logged in to my FB account and my ex wrote me a message, she said; I was just wondering why you deleted me, if that's what you need to do, just wondering.

When I saw that I had a message from my ex, my heart went crazy, and my whole body start feeling weird. I feel like this healing process is going to take a long, long time! :(

[vanheart]

Greated start.

The more you stay NC, the easier it gets.

See, the only reason your heart went crazy is because you read that message.

[talaniman]

When I saw that I had a message from my ex, my heart went crazy,

That's something you pay attention to. How your reacting to ANY kind of contact.

I just logged in to my FB account and my ex wrote me a message, she said; I was just wondering why you deleted me, if that's what you need to do, just wondering.

Reply to this with a simple YES, and delete her completely.

I feel like this healing process is going to take a long, long time!

Yes its hard, and does take a long time sometimes. Depends on how willing you are to do what it takes, to learn to cope with your feelings.

[Kevin86]

Update:
Last Wednesday my ex flew back to California, I arrived last Saturday. That day I talked to her on the phone, and it seemed like she still didn't change, she was acting pretty cold. On Thursday I saw her online, and started talking to her, she was still acting the same. But then all of a sudden she says: 'Do you want to work out in the park?'. Without thinking about it, I said yes right away. I wanted to know if she would really act this cold in person.

I arrived at the park before her. When I saw her car, my heart went crazy. When she stepped out of her car my heart started bouncing even faster. She walked up to me, and opened her arms. She gave me a kiss and hugged me. It felt so good, to finally see her in real life again. I have a new car, so we sat down in it, and I showed her everything.

Then we went for a walk, and after a couple of minutes we started talking about our relationship, and what went wrong. In short, she was really not happy the way we were acting lately. She told me, she tried for so long, but nothing made it better. I understand what she is talking about, even though the way we were, didn't bother me that much. I told her she should have communicated with me, and she admitted that she should have done that.

In the mean time we sat down on a table. We hugged, cried, and talked some more. Then it got pretty cold, and we went to my car. We stayed in my car for another 2 hours. I was rubbing her back and neck, we were pretty intimate. Then she says: 'can I try something? Close your eyes'. She started kissing me... Not too long after that we went home.

Today I had to pick something up from her house. We ended up going to another park. We talked, kissed and hugged again...

Tomorrow which would be our 'official' meet up day after the break up, we are going to meet around 10am. We are going to give our stuff back to each other, and spend the day till 4pm.

That's the situation.

Besides her actions, she keeps telling me that she doesn't want to be in a relation at the moment. She wants to have freedom, what she really missed when we were together(she never communicated this with me). There is still a lot of chemistry between us when we are together. She also tells me that when she is not with me, she realizes that is better not to be in a relation right now, she is really confused.

I told her I can't be friends with her. Then she said, can we just date, and start slowly from there. It's not what I want, but if that is our only chance...

The thing that hurts me most, is that there are so many things that we can change to make our relation so much better than before. They are relatively easy to fix problems. Of course I can give her way more freedom now, she made me realize the hard way. That's just one example.

I wish we could make a restart, but it seems like that will be too early for her. At the same time I'm scared, I will get hurt again. She controls everything right now, and that's not a good feeling.

But I also know that me giving up is not realistic, something I can't, and don't want.

Confusing situation...