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heather141 · Feb 20, 2010, 01:23 AM

My husband and I have been together for a long time. One year after marriage he started partying with his friends and not coming home. I decided to leave for five months for school out of state. We both cheated once while we were apart. I came back and fell in love all over again. 2 years later he starts going to nude clubs and asks for a girls number and I asked him if there was anything else I should know about.. that when we both came out and told the truth. Im at fault as much as him but I never asked for a phone number or anything since the infidelity. What should I do? Anything will help believe me:)

Jake2008 · Feb 20, 2010, 09:57 AM

12 years in a marriage is not a long time, when it is supposed to be forever.

Both of you had made the decision to cheat on each other, and come clean about it. One is not better than the other here, although I think nude bars is asking for trouble.

You need to think about whether you want to remain married, and he needs to decide if he wants to remain married.

While you both probably love each other, the extra curricular affairs have to be dealt with, with the intent to repair the damage, and establish a foundation of trust.

A successful marriage starts with trust. There can be no wavering on that fact. You trust him, he trusts you, and neither of you cheat on each other.

From there you learn how to build a foundation together, with the history behind you, and the future goals ahead.

This is not something you can probably do without some help, and why not consider marriage counselling. If you are both committed, you can work through anything, but don't kid yourself. You may very well realize that the work involved is far more than you thought it would be.

I would encourage you to start at the beginning, and work your way through, together. You can't be living your life wondering if he is being unfaithful, which keeps putting you both back in the starting gate.

Tordmor · Feb 20, 2010, 10:35 AM

I think you need to ask yourself why you want to be married in the first place. Obviously marriage has some cultural connotation which you yourself broke. This means that defaulting on this cultural connotation is no longer an option for you. And this in turn means you need to find your own meaning of the concept of marriage. This meaning might or might not contain monogamy.

If it does, you need to admit to yourself that you were not willing to keep a promise you wanted your husband to keep. A relationship can not work on such hypocrisy. In that case you need to build your relationship again from the ground up and you need to accept if your husband is not willing to do so. And if he isn't you need to leave and take your next relationship with more truthfulness from the start. If your husband agrees to monogamy you need to find out whether he only says it to keep you or means it.

If your definition of marriage does not contain monogamy you need to understand where you will draw the line and why you draw the line exactly there. Your husband can't read your mind and therefore didn't know in advance that you thought getting a phone number would be something categorically different to "just" sleeping with someone. So you can't hold it against him. In that case just tell him about your line and your reasons for it and go on from there.

heather141 · Feb 20, 2010, 03:19 PM

Thank you Jake2008 and Tordmor.I do want to start over and we do need marriage counseling but I just don't think I can trust him because he is gone for work a lot. I guess that's what I need to work on :) You made me realize that 12 years is not my whole life as dumb as that sounds butI do have a lot of years ahead of me and thank you for that. Im not sure what I want anymore. He is a REALLY good man but Im afraid I will lose him to infidelity and I have constant anxiety. Its all overwhelming. We promised each other that we would not go out to bars until the trust has been rebuilt but I don't think that's no way to live especially for him. Ugh. Sorry for rambling. I do appreciate each input and thank you so much!

Catsmine · Feb 20, 2010, 05:03 PM

12 years isn't forever, but it is your entire adult life. How old was he when you guys got started?

You do have a chance, but it depends on whether you can each learn to trust each other again. Asking for a phone # may not seem like much to him but it's big to you, you've said. What other issues do you each see differently?

You need to decide if it's worth the effort. Try making a comparison list of good and bad points to staying in the marriage versus going out on your own for the first time in your life.

heather141 · Feb 20, 2010, 05:23 PM

Yes we raised each other lol.. we got together at the age of 16. Married when we were 26. When he asked for a phone number I see it as what was his intentions were. We both cheated 2 years ago and it came out not that long ago and then two weeks ago he asked for a girls number. I would have trusted again if that didn't happen. I feel like he will do something to mess things up. I shouldn't put all the blame on him but I'm so angry with him. We pretty much see everything the same well when we talk to each other about not going to bars and giving our numbers out. Now anyway. I think I will make that list. That would help a lot. Thank you so much for your help!