[BDHayes]

So my story is pretty long but I will try to sum this up. I am married (for 2 years now) but been together on/off for 10 yrs. I say on & off because after 3 yrs we broke up for a whole year and then about 3 1/2 yrs ago we split up again for a few months as well. The present day our marriage is great-we have both grown and matured tremendously. We began dating when I was 16 and he was 18 so at first it was a very childish relationship with no real commitment on his part and just a lot of not knowing how to make a real relationship work. However, I became pregnant right off the bat with our first son who is now 8. We have come a long way and I am now completely secure and happy with my marriage and the family we created and thank God every day for getting us through so many rough times in our relationship and bringing us to where we are today. I relaize it is very rare for couples to stand the battles we have and to even be together from the way we began.

So here we go with the BUT part, the drama. Its not my husband at all, he has gone out of his way to deal with my untrusting ways due to his past and he tries to hard to show me how much he has changed and how much he wants me to trust him, sometimes I wonder how he stays so calm when I act so irrational at times.

So when we broke up for that year (about 6 years ago now) it was due to him cheating on me and the girl got pregnant. At that time I kicked him to the curb. It has been hell ever since with her from her busting out our house widnows, car windows, slicing my tires, physical fights with her, her harassing my phone, she's been put in jail TWICE due to these different incidents. I could write a book about this chic and her erratic actions. To add the other detail, about 3 1/2 years ago when my now husband and I split for a few months he ran straight to messing with her amongst many other flings but she ended up pregnant AGAIN!

So we barely know these kids, he pays CS and is there every holiday dropping off gifts and has tried non stop to see these children so he can get to know them as well as our 3 boys. She will randomly be okay with it and let us get them and then she will go off the handle again out of nowhere saying she doesn't want them around me and so on. Why, I have no idea-her kids love me and are actually sweet kids. So anyway, I am just so tired of her and her drama and seeing the way she uses these kids as a way to get to my husband, hoping that will make him show her he cares. He does like to have contact with her because she acts so foolishly. BUT the thing that is most crazy is she makes every situation about me, or about my husband messing with her. SHE NEVER says anything about the kids. Its insane, I can't grasp how a mother can be so consumed with herself over the happiness of her own kids. She continues to try starting stuff in my household and its just never ending, when will this ever end and how can I help it to end? :confused:

[talaniman]

I don't understand how he can pay child support without court ordered visitation also.

Unfortunately all you can do is stop talking to her, and just deal with the kids. I am afraid since you did take him back, and he got her pregnant twice he has to not only bear the consequences of his actions, and you also by extension, until the kids are grown. She may be an evil fool, but that doesn't mean you have to be one with her and I strongly urge you keep her BS at a distance, and get visitations through the courts.

Whatever he does, leave her alone and limit contact. Just like you would with an evil ex, or a wayward relative. Its one of those aggravating circumstances you have to deal with for now.

[amicon]

Surely your husband must have set visitation rights and if they are not met,it would be a matter of taking her to court?

Your husband should be the one to handle the ex- all you can do is avoid all contact with her and concentrate on your life,your children and your husband's kids,when they spend time with you.

[BDHayes]

That's exactly what we want to do so badly BUT he has called every lawyer and court office and Cs office in our city and for one when they set CS, they don't set visitation with that because it was done through Family Services bc/ she gets welfare. They only want their money back, they don't care if the father gets visitation. What we have to do is hire our own lawyer if we want visitation. That is VERY expensive and we don't qualify for any leagal help yet we cannot afford it on our own. Its so frsutrating that she has all control over whether she wants him to see the kids and when he questioned her last night she said no because she doesn't want them around me. I have done nothing to this girl

[talaniman]

Until you can get her in court, you are subject to her whims. Let your husband worry about the fool, he is the one who started this mess. You enjoy the kids, and understand his frustrations, without making them yours.

Once you realize she has issues, you can understand, and pray for her to get some sense. Thats all you can do for those not mentally equipped to be mature.

Talaniman Rule-Never take the ignorance of another personally. Why should you be as crazy as they are?

[BDHayes]

Sounds like you're right, so you don't feel I need to apologize for anything or try to make her realize I am not a mean person? Just let her be crazy and mad if she wants?

[talaniman]

That would be what I would do. You owe her nothing, and if she doesn't want to play nice, that's her problem, not yours.

You are not responsible for her actions, she is, so leave her be.

Talaniman Rule- Don't waste your time talking to someone who can't hear what your saying. Why waste good air?

[Jake2008]

I don't see how you can't afford a lawyer to sort this out. Visitation obviously has to be determined by the court, not based on what she feels like doing. The children come first.

She is some piece of work, and by the sound of things, dangerous. When she went to jail, who cared for the children then.

If his ex is on welfare, has he not been paying child support? Are they going after him, and is that why visitation is not yet in place?

I'm hoping that even a free consultation with a lawyer can clarify what you can, and cannot do. Even if it is enough information to set your mind at ease.

[BDHayes]

YEs, he does pay child support-always has. She gets welfare, yes and therefore they established child support right off the bat. BUT that doesn't consitute visitation. In our county the two do no go hand in hand. We will have to pay for a lawyer and they require at least $500 DOWN to begin and we don't have that to just fork over all at once. We have 3 kids of our own that require our care as well. Its just something we will need to save up for I guess.

May I mention, over the weekend the girl calls my phone (not my husbands) and is trying to act like she wants to be nice now. Asking me what relationship her & I should have. Like, why does it always have to be about me? Im not her kids dad

[Romefalls19]

BD, it could be she saw the light and realizes that you two getting along will be a far less stressful life than if you two were just civil?

You don't need a lawyer for visitation, simply petition the court for it and unless he's unfit he will get it without any problems

[BDHayes]

Thanks... I hope your right. Getting along is so much easier! For everyone

[Jake2008]

If she seriously wants to make peace with you, then it should be easy to establish child support in court.

After what she has done to you, I would not be inclined to trust her. She is a violent and unpredictable person.

You will probably be further ahead to be polite when she calls, but tell her that whatever visitation is arranged, has to be between her and your husband. You are fine with whatever arrangements are made.

You don't need to be on a friend level with her, or any level for that matter. She has to accept you in the picture, not the other way around.

Time will tell if she will be more cooperative with this new attitude. But, if it is possible for you to petition the court on your own, without a lawyer, go that route. If it is going to require a lawyer and a retainer, then start saving.

With her history, getting things done legally is the safest bet in my opinion.

[BDHayes]

I agree, legal is better because she is so up & down its unreal. For instance she calls me this weekend trying to be all friendly with me right and starts telling me well your husband said this to me and looks me up & down when he gets the kids and blah blah. Then she will turn around and tell him garbage about me, its like she is trying to start fights in our marriage. She is trying to be nice to my face and then turns around and will talk crazy about me to other people. She's so fake and I don't deal well with fakeness you know.

[Jake2008]

It is too bad that she is putting her needs, as twisted as they are, above her kids. Preventing visitation as a hammer to get to him (and you) is the worst possible thing to do when children are involved. They need their father.

Might be a good idea to start a notebook and keep track of the phone calls and what is said and done.

[BDHayes]

You know, maybe I should do that so that when we do eventually get her into court I will have all that ready to show a judge because as twisted as she is, she may come up with anything to make us look like the bad ones