[Allheart]

I do agree with that Wild... no need to reveal the whole e-mail.

I could never live with myself if I posted someone else's email. Good call.

[Skell]

Meedee,

In my post I said to you I think it is OK to say no to her if you have somewhere else to be.

You said you have something else on. Well don't change your plans now simply because she is all of a sudden ready to summons you for her talk.

I too seen that email and there wasn't any suggestion that this is for positive or negative reasons. So you can't assume anything! You never should anyway!

As cat said you know her best, but I also go along with the fact that she asked for space. You respected it. Well she has to show enough respect for you if you aren't quite ready. It sint about who's terms it should be on. It is about respect for each others wishes and time!

If you have something else on then I wouldn't cancel just to meet her.

Its not about the way she will think. It is about continuing to make yourself the No. 1 priority. Heck, that's what she ahs done for the past weeks, so your entitled to as well!

Cancel the meetign with her, say you had something planned prior that slipped your mind and that when you get some spare time you will let her know or she can contact you again when her finals are over and she has time.

By the sounds of your tooing and froing you aren't ready. Your mind isn't yet stable enough in my opinion to cope with what she may or may not say.

You aren't clear in your mind what you want so you won't be bale to clealry express it to her and I dare say rather than progress being made, you may go backwards.

Until you are ready and clear in your own mind then I wouldn't meet her. It is OK to tell her you need more time to think!

Because I think that's what you need from what you have said here and privately!

[valinors_sorrow]

If you apply contact when I ask for no contact and you agreed to it, I will think, wow what a needy knucklehead.

If you apply no contact when I ask if we can talk and you say sure, I will think what a friggin' cheeseball and that, dudes, I will serve with melba toast rounds at my next party because I am a phenomenal woman. I mean, good grief, if you've agreed to talk then TALK for crying out loud. Otherwise you shouldn't have agreed to it, knucklehead!

Mean what you say, say what you mean and make your actions reflect that -- that is the mark of a REAL MAN. REAL WOMAN too, by the way.

If you want to play games trying to make her miss you, plan on missing her A LOT. Women are not little girls anymore, in case anyone hasn't noticed. Sheesh!

Okay rant over. Grrrrrrr LOL

[Skell]

If you apply contact when I ask for no contact and you agreed to it, I will think, wow what a needy knucklehead.

If you apply no contact when I ask if we can talk and you say sure, I will think what a friggin' cheeseball and that, dudes, I will serve with melba toast rounds at my next party because I am a phenomenal woman. I mean, good grief, if you've agreed to talk then TALK for crying out loud. Otherwise you shouldn't have agreed to it, knucklehead!!

Mean what you say, say what you mean and make your actions reflect that -- that is the mark of a REAL MAN. REAL WOMAN too, by the way.

If you want to play games trying to make her miss you, plan on missing her A LOT. Women are not little girls anymore, in case anyone hasn't noticed. Sheesh!

Okay rant over. Grrrrrrr LOL

Val I agree with what you say.
I generally always do.

The only point I was trying to make was that should he be not ready to talk, just the same as she was not ready to talk before, then why should he run to her because she simply is ready?

I know from talking with meedee that he is confused still.

She dropped the bombshell on him that she wanted space! That is a lot for anyone to take in. Just because she is now ready to 'talk' does it mean he has to be.

I know if my ex come to me today and said I need to see you to talk about something's. Something that I wanted (please not past tense here) for a long time, I would say no to her. Because right now I am not ready.

Isn't he just as entitled as her to wait until he is ready? Particularly if like he said he had already something planned.

I agree that is what adults do, they talk, but adults also make decision for themselves based on what they want and when they are ready (just like she did) and not when others simply tell them to.

Just my thoughts on this one.

He should talk if he wants, but if he doesn't want then that is equally as fine in my book!

[valinors_sorrow]

I guess its all in the actual intention Skell. But everyone should be mindful that relationships only work if there is talking... so on that basis, if you want a relationship there better be some talking, at some point. I think if you have someone "on the line" and you need to stall for a bit, its best to dictate for how long too. Mature people do that all the time and immature people and gamers expect a "blank check".

Now if you want to play power games about who's going to give in first and agree to talk, or any other varieties of that, then neeeeeeeeeeeevermind, there isn't helping a person like that with any relationship because the only ones they'll attract are players and that means there will be endless powergames and soap operas.

But all this is moot, isn't it... because he already suggested "next week" ? So it's a done deal. Or the ball is in her court.

[Wildcat21]

No way is he playing games.

He would be the biggest sucker at this point to go to a meeting she arranged. (I know)

There is no love - there are no 'I miss you'. He's going to get - 'lets be friends'.

Sorry - he's screwed up in the past and making up for it now. He's getting his power back.

He's leaving her alone.

He's been way too agreeable in the past with this women.

He's also avoiding MASSIVE heartache.

THERE IS NO SUGAR COATING HERE - GOING TO TALK WITH HER NOW WILL NOT ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING FOR HIM - I PROTECT MY GUYS. He needed to know what was REALLY going on.

And I know law school students - they want to be free. SHE SOUNDS KIND OF COLD AND HEARTLESS RIGHT NOW.

And NO - not next week - maybe a month or two - hopefull ymore.

I don't MeeDee to be in a position to beg - or a positino he isn't ready for.

AND if she doesn't want to break - he'll find out anyway...

Women TEST all the time - he's testing her.

[Allheart]

Oh Wild no... Women don't test... at least the ones I know. Honest. Please trust me on that. Wild, there is such a danger in generalizing. If I thought all guys were like the hurts of my past, I would be a very lonely young lady today, so afraid to trust and love again. But I look at all individuals as just that individuals. It helped me to be free to be open to love and be loved again.

Okay... here's what we all agree on... we want the best for MeeDee, that is an absolute fact.

So MeeDee, I guess now it's up to you. I would take all of this heartfelt advice and well meaning guidance, sort it all out, take a step back and get some quiet time for yourself.
Listen to your heart and head. The answer that is good for you will come.

We all want what is best.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I agree allheart,

There is a danger in generalizing things.. I tend to take everyone's advice, lay it out in my mind like a jigsaw puzzle, and the advice that best fits the puzzle (when looking at thing rationally and realistically) is the advice that I retain the most.

I eve n go back to my threads sometimes and re-read them to reinforce what I was previously told... Helps me a lot.

I have to say genuinely that most of the advice I have ever been given has been very good and helpful!

[valinors_sorrow]

So when he is all powerful, she's the one who should do the begging? That's the same problem only reversed directions!

What happened to sharing the power?

See in my mind, its really simple... who ever wants a relationship should take some action to that end. Period.

There is a huuuuuuuuuuuge difference between wanting a relationshp and being a weenie - for either gender. And being a weenie is not good -- again, for either gender!

As far as I am concerned, unless you arrange for a separation with some concrete terms in it, it isn't a relationship the very second the "no contact" rule is in force. At that point gang, its over. Done. Fini. Kapoot! Ain't getting anybody back. WC makes it sound like it remains in stasis, like some kind of non-relationship limbo giving a kind of false hope that it isn't really ended. What thread here that I missed demonstrated that?

Look, much like the conversation that was posted earlier, here's the script:
She said she wants to talk. If its over and that's the talk... then its over.
But if its not over and you don't talk... then its over.
Ergo, if you want to find the one chance of it not being over, you go talk like an adult when you are invited to.

But I guarantee you, it is impossible to keep the relationship hope alive by avoiding what you FEAR is the "over" talk or declining to talk or stalling too long to talk. Running like that will mark you a coward and no woman will deal very long with that. Any chance for that remote, mysterious stranger effect left on the last bus as soon as sex occurred LOL trust me. Responsible people are available to talk when needed last I checked, but by all means, blow off her request to talk and let's see what comes of that.

I mean I would REALLY like to hear what WC or any other fan of "no contact as a means of getting her back" thinks is going on with her while she is waiting with the no contact occurring wondering why he won't talk to her when she made it clear to him she would like to talk, hmmmm??

[Skell]

Agreed Val,

But is he showing signs of knowing what he wants?

Would he be not better to know what he wants and then go get it?

Where was she acting like an adult in the first place? If her asking for space to think is acting like an adult then his must be considered too if done with the RIGHT intentions.

Im not suggesting that he do it for power reasons.

I have always said he has a right though to do it on his terms just as much as she does. No?

Who knows if it is the over talk?
It might be the start over talk.
But meedee might not be ready for that either.

I don't see it as running. I see it as being at a point when you are ready. After all we preach to people to look after themselves and make themselves a priority when going through a break!

But I see your point Val that he already arranged a meeting. However, he expressed a form of regret at it because he had something else on and his confusion as to what HE wants. It is a two way street. She was confused, which ultimately has caused confusion for him.

I see her act in the first place as cowardly. I hate this break stuff. It is a lie. Break means over. And if doesn't then stand and fight for it! She ran like a coward and left him hanging. And this by no means is payback. I hope I'm making my point there. I just hate people taking this soft option of needing time and space to think away form someone they supposedly love.

What a load of BS!!

So I suppose I am contradicting myself by telling him to take time if he wishes, but heck, the damage has been done by her actions in the first place. I just want what is best for both of them and if Meedee isn't comfortable with meeting her right now then so be it!

[Allheart]

MeeDee if you are out there... and care to share... sure would love to know your thoughts on all of this. If you wish to just soak it in... by all means take the time and please do so.

One truly great thing... look at how much everyone cares... that is a great thing.

[valinors_sorrow]

I will add only one more thing to this topic. Stomp Stomp LOL

A very wise person once said to me: Honey, if you don't know where the brakes are, you have no business getting on the toboggan!
In order words, if you do not that the guts to handle a conversation about how the relationship is over, then you essentially don't have what it takes to be in a relationship in the first place and that needs to be corrected. It goes for the gals and well as the guys.

And if you aren't going to meet her, tell her that. You owe her that for the fact that you said you would, MeeDee.

Unfortunately I already emailed her and said I could maybe make it this week. Then she emailed me back asking for a good time. I haven't answered this yet.

Unless of course you like handing out the long slow figuring-it-out pain she'll go through wondering until she realises you aren't meeting her, hell you aren't even texting her back! A quality woman scorned like that does not give second chances. Oh but wait, doormats and gamers do! Plenty of those still available. LOL

[Skell]

I am not a fan of no contact being used as a tool for getting her back.
Inf act in all my posts on every thread about it I make it clear that it shouldn't be used like that.

I emphasise it in fact because it simply isn't right.

I hope it didn't come across her like that.. Im sure it didn't!

Im just trying to make it about Meedee and his feeling as much as his ex's (because that is what she is right now IMO) and what she wants.

If she was hear asking us how to approach a person she had been with and asked for space from what would we tell her?

That if he has respected her wishes and left her alone then she must also consider him and his reaction to what she has asked for.

We would tell her that after dropping such a bombshell on him she shouldn't expect immediate response from him. He may indeed be hurting and trying to overcome his feelings?

I know that is what I would say to her.

And I know he already said yes to a meeting, and that is the point you are making Val! You are right, but I just got the impression that he indeed is confused and trying to overcome a lot of emotions and it may not be the bets time for him right now! I see no harm in that!

Some say by him not being ready he is running, OK fair enough. And it gets to a point where the running (from both parties because she is guilty as much as anyone) has to stop.

But I don't see this as running in this instance!

Not by him at least... just yet!!

[Skell]

I will add only one more thing to this topic. Stomp Stomp LOL

A very wise person once said to me: Honey, if you don't know where the brakes are, you have no business getting on the toboggan!

In order words, if you do not that the guts to handle a conversation about how the relationship is over, then you essentially don't have what it takes to be in a relationship in the first place and that needs to be corrected. It goes for the gals and well as the guys.

That person is indeed wise because that is so true.

It goes back to what I said about this break BS. It is a gutless way of trying to get out of it!

She took that gutless option! I don't see him not being ready right now though as gutless. Not yet anyway.

[Skell]

And if you aren't going to meet her, tell her that. You owe her that for the fact that you said you would, MeeDee. Unless of course you like handing out the long slow figuring-it-out pain she'll go through wondering until she realises you aren't meeting her. A quality woman scorned like that does not give second chances. Oh but wait, doormats and gamers do! Plenty of those still available. LOL

Oh yes, I agree with this.

After agreeing to meet her, if he wishes not to at this stage he owes her to respect to tell her.

It is simple, you have said you have something one.
I would say "look, sorry but i completely forgot but i have prior engagements this weekend. sorry about that but we will talk soon."

That is of course if he wishes not to at this stage and truly does have something else planned like he has stated previously.

If not and he wants to meet her then I say great, good luck!

[MeeDee23]

I truly appreciate everything that everyone has said. The outpour of support and willingness to help has been more comforting than anything I could have ever asked for.

At this time I have decided that I need to take a step back from all of this... and improve myself. The best course of action for me is to avoid this meeting as I feel it could possibly bring heartbreak... and after everything I have been through this is the last thing I need right now. I can't walk into something that I know will have a bad outcome for me.

This is a point in my life where I have to be the best person I can be and just let the situation ride out. I don't want to make any rash decisions, as I know I really want to be with her.

The best move I can make is to let her know I am not ready to meet at this time and wish her well. No amount of justifications or any excuses will make it seem better. Simply telling her I can't talk to her and taking time away for myself is the best thing I think I can do. I've seen heartbreak before and I will NOT let myself willingly walk right into it and take myself down another notch. I am stronger and smarter than that!

Thank you everyone.

[Allheart]

MeeDee,

Thank you for sharing how you feel now. That was very kind of you to reveal.

As I said in my previous post, whatever choice you make... you will always have great support behind you and you know we are always here.

MeeDee, I am still happy for you, and I just know that going through all of this, such as you are, will ultimately lead you to happiness.

How you feel today, may change tomorrow or next week. And that is more than okay and quite normal and not a darn thing wrong with it, just part of the growing process.

You said something very important in your post... "I don't want to make any rash decisions", have that thought be your guide and you will be more than okay.

I am concerned that you are thinking so negatively about the possible outcome, but I do respect your feelings and it may be your internal voice giving you indicators. Only you know that.

Anyway, MeeDee, I still feel happiness for you and great hope that all of this will sort itself out.

Allheart

[Skell]

I don't think you have quite got it Meedee.

The reason for you not meeting with her right now would only be justifiable because you are not ready and need more time to think and be clear in your head what YOU want!

It should not be about FEAR of her ending it.

That is not what anyone would suggest I'm sure and certainly not what anyone here was getting at.

So what you are saying is, is that you are strong and smart because you are not going to see her because you are afraid of her and what she might say??

Can you see the contradiction there in your thinking?

Avoiding the inevitable ending (if it is indeed that and there is still such a big chance it isnt) through fear is so unhealthy and I promise you will only bring you more pain and fear in the not too distant future.

Look, if you weren't reayd right now because you were busy this weekend and wanted time to think exactly what YOU want then I would support that!

But I won't support you putting this off out of fear. That is nor strong or smart despite what you may think.

Do you see what has transpired in the previous posts and understand the points being made?

Because the conclusions you reached was not advised by anyone!

[MeeDee23]

Skell that is exactly it! I don't know what I want... people here were the ones that called me unstable. I'm not upset at that, it's more of a reality that is helpful in calming me down and trying to slow down my actions. And I recognize that I am confused and am not certain one way or another what will come of all of this. One thing I do know for sure is that I need to put this aside for now because I feel I can. I am certainly not ready to confront this as you have seen from my waivering decisions. I still have time that I need to figure myself out some more and become more happy with my own life.

This is not a fear issue... it is what is best for me. Thanks

[Skell]

In that case then one can only applaud you for doing what you think is best for you.

As long as you truly believe that!

It just wasn't what you depicted in your previous post!