I have appreciated everyone's input to my situation in the few threads that I have started. Thank you for any additional info you have on this latest situation.

For almost 3 years, my girlfriend and I have never had any issues that we confronted and everything seemed to be going well (I know this is not good). Anyway we both graduated college earlier this year and now she is in law school and I am starting my career.

Two weeks ago she said we needed to take time apart... which basically sounded like a breakup to me. Since then I have not had any contact with her and have done everything I can to improve myself. I understand myself and our relationship a lot better and see things that were lacking that could easily be done better on my part. She is about to start final exams and I thought we wouldn't be speaking at all until after she was done with those.

I recently received a message from her being casual and asking things like:
"how's it going?"
"I hope you are doing alright"
"I'd like to meet up so we can talk soon"
"had a lot of time to think about things since we've been apart"

From my perspective, this might be some sort of setup for her to close our relationship. My problem is that she doesn't know anything about how I have changed in the mean time. I know most people here will say to just accept it and move on. This girl means the world to me and I don't think our first major DOUBT in our relationship should be the end. People can lose that "flame" but an eye-opening experience like this also can be a saving factor if the two are willing to work at it.

Keep in mind I really want to stay with this girl. Please give me advice other than "move on" as to ways to approach this. Thanks so much for your help.

Okay, approach other then move on. Your heart is still in love with her. She has responded to you with questions on how you are doing. Well if you defiantly want to see what might happen. No guarantee on results. She is the one that wants to meet up with you and talk to you. Communication is key and if you really want to give this another chanch it is up to you. This is your decision. So why not meet up with her. I think since she is the one that wants to meet up with you. I do believe that you should approach it with a listening ear at first. See what she has to say. Go from there. Being able to listen and also respond is also important, but let her start first.

Joe

Oh Mee Dee,

I could be so wrong, but I am so HAPPY for you. I am not telling you this because you asked us to not tell you to move on. I am telling you this because it is my honest and genuine feelings for this latest news.

Look, she may really have needed space to think things over. I am familiar with your previous post.

I am not sure what the others will advise, they are so much wiser than me, but I am trying to learn from them:)

If you don't reach back to her, how will you ever know. You just don't go back to her though, on hands and knees, but you also don't put on any false airs.

I am typing so fast, because I am happy for you. I did not think your situation was as severe as some others, meaning a lost cause.

If and when you do contact her, you do of course be yourself, but of course, a little on guard, since she is the one who requested space, then she should be the one to communicate to you, what she has discovered during this break. Anotherwords, let her do most of the talking. You be sure to listen and take it in. Listen with your heart and head. Make no quick fast rash moves one way or another.

As far as you thinking she may be wanting to finalize the relationship, I really don't think so, she still may need just to talk things over with you.

I truly am happy for you. I just feel this is a good thing. Does it mean bells and whistles will go off and the relationship will get right back on track... no... it means the lines of communication are about to open up again... just take it SLOW!

My Best to you!!

I don't want to play the devils advocate here and I do hope I'm wrong, but meedee please don't go getting your hopes up here thinking that this means she wants you back.

It is indeed a possibility, but no more than the possibility that she is sick of leading you on that there may be something when she very well knows there isn't.

The possibility that these are her thoughts are no more, or less than the possibility that she wants something again.

Now, you obviously love her. You have made that quite clear.

So if I were you I would meet her. And I'm not one for games, but in saying that, just because she has said jump does not mean you have to jump.

She asked for some space, you respected her and gave it to her. Now is time for to show respect to you in return and meet you and talk when you are ready.

And I know you probably can't wait to go and see what she has to say. I understand that, and as I said I'm not one for games. But, just because she has called doesn't mean you go running like a little puppy dog in my opinion.

If you are doing things and have been keeping busy then it is OK to say 'look, next week isn't so good, I'm very busy can it wait'.

Your worried so much about her seeing you are changed. Well you won't fool her for long if you haven't indeed changed. What I'm getting at is that you were probably needy and suffocating to her before. You at least gave that indication. Do you think that running to her just because she wants you to might indicate that you are still that person?

And I don't mean indicate to her, I mean indicate to yourself. Because you have to be honest with yourself when assessing whether you have really changed. You know the truth, but if you are lying to yourself it won't be long before others see through it too!

Just some things to think about.

I do hope it works out for you. I really do, we see too many people who think they are just on 'breaks' but are in fact already broken up!

Please keep us informed. Im sure we would all like to know what happens and also offer what we can to hopefully help in getting you the person you love!

I agree with a lot that Allheart says too.

When / If you meet her it is important to LISTEN to her. I mean really listen. She is obviously going to say some things to you about how you went wrong, what you could have done better.

So don't go getting all bristly on her. Listen, take it in and ask yourself honestly if you think she has a point.

Alternatively when it is your turn to talk, you are allowed to be honest and up front with her. Because unless there is clear communication on how / why / what went wrong last time then it will be impossible for the two of you to reach conclusions on how to make it better this time. And if it isn't going to be better this time then you have to ask yourself is it worth the while to put yourself through this all over again to get the same results!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MeeDee23

From my perspective, this might be some sort of setup for her to close our relationship. My problem is that she doesn't know anything about how I have changed in the mean time. I know most people here will say to just accept it and move on.

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I have a little different take on this than perhaps some. The first thing I would like to politely suggest is you don't know what is a setup for what here. If you continue to think in those kinds of terms, all that changing you did won't amount to a hill of beans. Please please take this one thing at a time and try not to read too much into anything, okay? Add this to your changes list: lose feeling set up or thinking in those terms-- this is not a spy game.

Secondly, about those changes... if you made them and you have any contact with her at all, it will be apparent if even on a very subtle level. And it will have its effects. If you don't trust that and instead resort to some phoney fake deal here, she will read that instead, if she is the slightest bit intuitive and all I can say is now its really down the tubes. You don't need to tell her about changes, show her! So the bottom line is follow her lead for a bit here since she asked for the break. Respond in kind to what she does-- if she is casual and light, you keep it casual and light but real, not phoney and let this go where it goes. It may be nowhere and it may be somewhere. Sounds like she wants to meeting and talk about the relationship, so go and talk about the relationship as adult-like as you can muster.

IF and ONLY IF she says its over, deal with it then and not a moment sooner, big mistake that! Don't get ahead of yourself or her, slow down.

You all make good points. I can't go in there with any real expectations or presumptions of what will happen. All I can do is be myself and be that attentive listener to hear out every one of her concerns. At that point, I should express what this time apart has done for me. I can't put it all in to words, but I can express to her as best I can that I want to "show" her what this has all done to me. For instance, you have to do all the little things in a relationship that make it special... and live each day for that day, because tomorrow is never guaranteed.

p.s. - Allheart, you are a genuine sweetheart, and hearing your words of encouragement might just enable me to sleep a little tonight for the first time in a while :)

Hi Mee Dee,

So kind of you, your words. Thank you.

I do have a tendency to "strike up the band' :). But also keep in mind the incredible words of wisdom of sound advice given here. Are they good or what? :)

MeeDee, you are on the right track. Be yourself, no negative thoughts going in, open mind, Listen, listen and listen. And yes, when you feel the time is right express what this break has done to you, hopefully, she will ask that of you herself. I would express the hurt to her, but not to where it comes off that you appear weak or desperate. The words, "It hurt me deeply" should suffice.

We all have areas about us that we can work on, and life gives us, whether we welcome them or not, opportunites to grow as a person, but MeeDee, be careful in trying to "change who you are". What I mean by that is, don't try and force change upon yourself that you think will please your girlfriend, or try and prove to her that you changed.
She saw something very special and valuable and precious about you, you want to be sure to keep that part of you alive. That is why it is so important for you to listen to her perspective on things. She may just be working through some issues she has internally and now has the courage to share them with you.

We all are hoping for the best and are here for you... always :)



Allheart

Hey
I don't know why you re thinking nigativlly,
Maybe she is just want to talk to you about your relationship
Why you feel like it's the end.. maybe its not, and as many told you before communication is the key
Talk to her and hear her as well.. tell her that you miss her and all about what you have did in your life since she is gone..
Maybe she have been thinking of you and how good u 2 where...
U can just thinking by yourself... dont be sad..
Because seems that you really in love with her...
Hope everything gose well
Keep in touch
:)

Glad you posted with the latest developments. I think you did the right thing by not contacting her, and now that she wants to talk to you, you must go. Don't go with any preconcieved notions that she is coming back, but listen to what she has to say. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Whatever she says take it with the dignity and respect you hold for yourself and as I said listen. 9 times out of 10 when a break occurs it becomes permanent. As you can imagine her being in law school takes a lot of time and energy and typically that's when people want to be free to explore their new world, without the baggage of having someone at home. It comes with growing up and changing. Good Luck, whatever happens.

I returned your private message on this. I know your situation.

This is more for the public - believe me I KNOW what I am talking about - no sugar coatings here:

Avoid this 'talk' at all cost. Disappear for a while - KEEP UP THE NO CONTACT!! For the love of god!!

Did any of those messages have any love in them? no.

Don't return her calls... if she asks why one day - tel lher you were giving her the space she asked for.

For the love of god - don't respond!! You'l lalso gain power back.

IF you want any hope to getting her back... she needs to miss you!!

This is a marathon, not a sprint - a couple months won't effect long term.

You want to be a 'nice guy' and 'talk' with her - where everything is on her terms... go ahead.

Trust me 1000% - you will not like the out come of this 'talk'. Women only say 'we need to talk' for one thing.

Disappear for a long while.

The more I think about it... I think Wildcat is right here. Unfortunately I already emailed her and said I could maybe make it this week. Then she emailed me back asking for a good time. I haven't answered this yet.

I almost want to go back to No Contact and just cancel on her and say that something else came up (because actually I have something I'd rather be at anyway), I'll have to do it another time. This shows her that she's not my world and doesn't have total control over me. Because honestly, I am trying to better myself here and not give in to her. It will show me taking a stand by canceling and ignoring her, right? The more I look at it, by going to meet her after she thought it over for only this long can't be good and she will probably want to take this opportunity to drop me.

I just want to stay as strong as I can. And I feel that by facing her after only 2 weeks apart will just immediately break the progress I've attained. Do you see why I might want to cancel this? I messed up but I want to do what is right for me right now.

Please give advice, I am really confused right now.

Oh MD, I don't know what to say. I do trust Wildcat and it seems he really has a feel of this situtation. I am torn, right with you.

All I will tell you MD, is that, and this is the truth, whatever you decide I still will have the band members ready :). Meaning I support you either way. I am sure the others do as well. No doubts there.

How about this. Ask yourself, how will you feel if you go. How will you feel inside? Then after great thought, ask yourself how will you feel if you don't go.

How will you feel about yourself, inside, with the choice you make.

Right now, I am not thinking how your choice will effect her. My concern is how your choice will make you feel.

Make the best choice for YOU... not her... not us... but for you.

Either way, we are here, with no judgements. And hey, there really isn't any bad choice as long as you are comfortable with it. Not how it will effect her, which is hard because of your feelings for her.

Take about 10 to 20 minutes, or however long it may take, and think ONLY of how the choice will effect you and how you feel inside.

In the meantime, I will take some quiet time and pray that whatever choice you make, you come out the other end happy. That is all we want here.


Oh why is life so hard... :) guess it be darn boring otherwise.

My best

You are back and forth. Make up your mind and stick with it. Communication is important. You want to go and see what she has to say. It is not like your chasing after her, it is not like you're the one calling her. She decided to get intouch with you. I say go for it. Meet with her and see how it goes.

Joe

Only he knows best - I saw the full e-mail and there was no love in it.

All women know when they say 'we have to talk' - what does that mean?

He knows this woman best - I am only going on what he has told me and how he has reacted each time.

I also think this good because - she may see a change in him - important.

I certainly will never go to one of those 'talk' sessions ever again. ONLY on my terms - not hers. No way.

She going to wonder what's up with him - why he won't meet etc.

One key question - is she always that cold in an e-maiL? Only you know what she's up to... MY huge gut feeling is not good - what is yours?

What email? Maybe it should be shown to all?

I'd rather not post any of her emails... b/c I have deep down fears that anything can be found on the internet. I would feel embarrassed if she ran search terms on her own email words and came across them in a forum haha. Again, just my basic insecurity about the internet.

She sounded a little light-hearted and joking in her second email. I see it as her trying to make me comfortable and not worried about the "talk" and looking to keep me as a friend by forever being nice to me from here on out. But any way I look at it... I need to change for ME as much as for her.

By taking a stand and also doing more for myself in the meantime... well I figure it can't hurt. What do I have to lose for finally taking a stand for the first time in our relationship and cancelling on her? It's time I become a stronger person... with or without her.

Wildcat... actually when we say "we have to talk"... we ACTUALLY mean... I will talk, you will listen and agree with everything I say. Hope that clarifies it for you... just kiddn, sort of :)

Anyway, oh boy. I think it was a wise decision NOT to post her email. That's just me. Shows respect for her words. Confiding in someone your trust, like Wildcat, is very understandable.

Perhaps it is good to put her off a day or two or even a week or however long you feel. You did say you have something else that you would rather do, so may be a good idea to stick to your original plan, prior to receiving her email, and do the other thing, and perhaps postpone the chat till you are ready.

The bottom line here is... do what you feel is best for you. Which choice will cause you the least regret down the road.

I will be most happy with the choice you make for yourself. A couple more days under your belt, may help you to have even greater insight into your situation.

He gave the jist of it here. It was enough.

(ALlheart)"I will talk, you will listen and agree with everything I say. Hope that clarifies it for you...just kiddn, sorta" - Yes, I know... I was kind of tongue in check - been there done that too many times.