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baseballfever · Jan 26, 2010, 10:20 AM

Hey guys I'm in a difficult situation.. ive been dating this girl for over 2 years now and we fell in love with each other... we had many problems in the past but we always worked through them and now we have such a strong bond!. we are fairly young but we know what right and wrong is we are both 19 years old...
My problem is my girl loves to go out and party and go to parties at her college and to bars etc... I tell her that I'm not trying to be controlling but feel uncomfortable with her going to these parties... the thing is its not like a here and there thing its every weekend, she goes with her friends and there's always guys around and I don't know who these people are. I told her my worries that I feel that she becomes wild and not the same person when she parties and it makes me unhappy and uncomfortable because I love her and I don't want to get hurt. She tells me that she loves me and she's not looking for guys when she goes to these parties she is just hanging out with her friends... I told her I don't mind her hanging out with her friends but every time she does hangout with her friends she's out at a party or bar... but she has lied to me in the past about where is she is like saying she's going to a friends but she went to a party which now it is hard for me to believe her anymore to be honest but the thing is I do trust her but not when she parties and drinks... because she turns into a different person which is no good.. she never ever invited me to party in the past which I feel is kind of messed up...
Now I basically had enough and I told her she has to relax with her parting and I told her that I feel that its wrong for her to go out to party she told me she will be unhappy if she can't party and hangout with her friends.. I told her time and time again she can hangout with her friends but she's always at a party or bar.. and I told her it's the party thing that makes me unhappy... she told me she not ready to stop and give up parting and its not because she doesn't love me enough to stop is because she feels she will regret in in her future... but for me right now it makes me unhappy I don't want to lose her and she doesn't want lose me because we love each other but its become too much for me to handle what should I do?? Also I feel like its not right of her going to parties especially without me? What should I do ? How should I handle this situation

UnluckyDucky · Jan 26, 2010, 11:28 AM

The more we try to control someone, the more they will push away and be defiant. If this continues, you'll most likely lose her for sure because she'll start seeing (if she isn't already) you as a controlling and smothering boyfriend. While you may only be trying to look out for her best interests by making sure she doesn't do anything crazy or get into a bad situation, that's not your job. She's completely accountable for her own actions and she needs to learn from her own mistakes when they happen - she knows the risks. I'm not sure what the reason is behind her not inviting you to these parties is but that fact alone isn't a cause for concern. Some people need to have their own lives too. In order to make a better assessment, take a step back to look at the dynamics in your relationship as a whole. Perhaps she sees you as the type of boyfriend to be clinging to her the whole night? Or she might be the type to enjoy her space?

Sounds like you need to back off and be willing to live with the situation or move on. Yes, you two are still young and the strong desire to party still is only natural. Communication is key to any relationship and you've already communicated to her that you don't like the fact that she goes out to party so much - there's not much else you can do beyond that.

What it all comes down to is the fact that only you truly know what kind of behavior from your partner you're willing to live with and put up with.

Devorameira · Jan 26, 2010, 12:44 PM

Trust, trust, trust. It can only be given - it can never be demanded. If you try to control her, you will ruin the relationship. Perhaps not now, or even this year, but if this is a girl you'd like to be with for a long time you must learn to trust her and trust her judgment.

You should show good judgment by giving her the freedom that everyone needs. If she comes back to you, she's yours. If she doesn't, she never was. This is only a recipe for disaster in your mind. Change you outlook and attitude to something positive, like "I'm sure you'll have a good time at the party with your friends". Also let her know that you're interested in hearing how the evening went. Open communication is vital to a healthy relationship.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how drunk your girl gets, if she's loyal to you she'll stay loyal. If someone really doesn't want to cheat it doesn't matter how drunk they get, or how much opportunity they have, they simply just won't do it. Are you sure you really trust her?

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One must be fond of people and trust them if one is not to make a mess of life.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.

baseballfever · Jan 26, 2010, 02:30 PM

OK see I'm not trying to control her I understand she needs her freedom and I'm not asking her to be with me evrey second of the day because as much as she needs her space I also need my space guess I don't like a party girl and that what she is.. but I truly love her so much.. when you say do I really trust her I guess I really don't in a way but the only time I don't is when she parties because she gets on the wild side and I know this from past experiences I've seen with her.. but this is only when she drinks...

Devorameira · Jan 26, 2010, 03:41 PM

I understand that you don't like her partying - I'm not crazy about drunks either. What I don't understand is your great concern. Has she ever cheated on you?

If you can't trust your girlfriend enough to go out and socialize with other people, then you have greater concerns than whether she's being unfaithful. A healthy relationship is built on a solid foundation of trust and the willingness in letting your partner freely express themselves in their lives. If a night out causes this kind of fear and mistrust, imagine what a real issue might do.

I doubt your girlfrend is being unfaithful, seeing as she's with a group of people. You two may want to sit down to talk and find ways to increase your faith in the relationship.