[cavacln]

My wife of eight years is my world. My questions will be how do I regain intimacy in my relationship? Now for more information on our present circumstances. About three years ago I gained a HIGH STRESSED, HIGH DEMANDING corporate job. It was expected to stay out late working, go for drinks after work which took a toll on me. I became an alcoholic and for about a year drank at night after everyone went to sleep and most of the time passed out on the couch. My wife cried at night feeling abandoned. I did not know this since she NEVER told me until about seven months ago. She thought I was cheating on her as well with both men and women. I NEVER cheated on her especially with men. A gap grew between us and sex diminished from once a week to once every other month, if lucky. Well July 3, 2009 came and she said she want a divorce. I was shocked and devastated. Just to let you know I stopped drinking a month before then and started to sleep in the same bed again. I never saw that coming. Well I fought tooth and nail, positively most of the time. There were times that frustration, depression and loneliness overtook my emotions and said dumb hurtful things that I regret beyond words. A week before this past new years I asked her to make up her mind if she wanted to stay or leave. Before then we slept in the same bed, done things as parents but she kept me out from intimacy, letting me date her, going to functions together to include a couples Christmas event that she went to. Well New Years came 1200am happy 2010 she turned to me told me she loves me and kissed me. She said she wants to work it out. I was HAPPPPPPY. Now, its Jan 23, 2010 and since then she has not reached to hold my hand, given me a hug, told me that she loves me or any attempt on her part to be intimate. I don’t expect wam bam thank you mam. Just some sort of attempt to connect and grow our marriage. She has allowed me to give her pecks on the mouth but even then, I feel that she cringes; in one case instead of puckering up, she retracted her lips. I need advice on how to regain that loving feeling, she said she is not ready but don’t know what that really means. If you love someone I believe that you share everything. I understand if she is not ready for lovemaking but holding my hand, cuddling. Even when you start dating, by the second date you normally hold hands. If it takes her one month to hold my hand how long will it take to progress. Any help is appreciated. Sorry for the long story.

[Gemini54]

Intimacy is not something you can turn on or off like a light bulb.

She probably feels she's had no support or intimacy from you for the 3 years since you gained the high level position and became an alcoholic.

First of, stop pawing her or trying to kiss her. She probably thinks all you want is sex. Remember when you first met? You probably spent time talking to her, taking her places, just being with her - start doing the same things now.

Do things for her - little things. Do them genuinely and because you care for her - not because you want to bonk her.

If you want to rebuild your marriage and rebuild the intimacy, you need to rebuild trust and companionship. You've broken the trust and you've destroyed the companionship - it will take time and you'll have to be patient. It may take longer that you think.

Stop thinking about where you want to get to and enjoy getting to know her again.

Rome wasn't built in day.

[Catsmine]

First, learn about "Paragraphs." I think you asked maybe three questions in there but I'm confused because they're all jumbled together.

Let's see if I can find them. Hmm, no it's just two.

"I need advice on how to regain that loving feeling" - It took you three years to drive her away. It will take time to win her back, and it will be much harder this time since she will be aware of how much you can and have hurt her.

"If it takes her one month to hold my hand how long will it take to progress." - You will spend the rest of your life trying to get back to the point where she will marry you again. If she loves you deeply enough and you work at it hard enough you might get laid this year.

I may be a little pessimistic, my father's and my own alcoholism pretty much screwed up my early life and I'm a little biased.

[cavacln]

My about with alcoholism lasted only two years. I have not had a drink since July 2009. I actually stopped one month before she said she wanted to separate. I NEVER drank in front of my kids or her. I was the closet drinker. No excuses here I know it was unforgivable.
Yes, you are right but when I am in writing mode, I just keep going and going.
I have been working on me diligently since July, I sought out mental health help, I help around the house daily, and I take charge of taking the kids to their activities. I enjoy pampering my wife, making her tea, rubbing her feet when she in pain (she stands on her feet constantly).
I am not in it to get laid despite what may or not be perceived. I just need my best friend, my wife back. I want to be able to hold her hand, date her, wine, dine her, and be the man and husband that she deserves. Yes, I can be inpatient at times, we all have our faults but I am very lonely without her. Not interested in flings, just the warmth of her embrace and kisses.

[cavacln]

Oh, I am sorry thank you both for your posts.

[Catsmine]

My bout with alcoholism lasted only two years. I have not had a drink since July 2009. I actually stopped one month before she said she wanted to separate. I NEVER drank in front of my kids or her. I was the closet drinker. No excuses here I know it was unforgivable.
Yes, you are right but when I am in writing mode, I just keep going and going.
I have been working on me diligently since July, I sought out mental health help, I help around the house daily, and I take charge of taking the kids to their activities. I enjoy pampering my wife, making her tea, rubbing her feet when she in pain (she stands on her feet constantly).
I am not in it to get laid despite what may or not be perceived. I just need my best friend, my wife back. I want to be able to hold her hand, date her, wine, dine her, and be the man and husband that she deserves. Yes, I can be inpatient at times, we all have our faults but I am very lonely without her. Not interested in flings, just the warmth of her embrace and kisses.

Keep working, you are showing the right attitude. She's seen the "for worse" part, now show her the "for better."

[Gemini54]

My bout with alcoholism lasted only two years. I have not had a drink since July 2009. I actually stopped one month before she said she wanted to separate. I NEVER drank in front of my kids or her. I was the closet drinker. No excuses here I know it was unforgivable.
Yes, you are right but when I am in writing mode, I just keep going and going.
I have been working on me diligently since July, I sought out mental health help, I help around the house daily, and I take charge of taking the kids to their activities. I enjoy pampering my wife, making her tea, rubbing her feet when she in pain (she stands on her feet constantly).
I am not in it to get laid despite what may or not be perceived. I just need my best friend, my wife back. I want to be able to hold her hand, date her, wine, dine her, and be the man and husband that she deserves. Yes, I can be inpatient at times, we all have our faults but I am very lonely without her. Not interested in flings, just the warmth of her embrace and kisses.

Keep at it - she's clearly felt disconnected and isolated from you - try and see it from her point of view. Be patient and try to give without expectation of return (for a while). If she feels that you love her unconditionally, her reserve will lessen.

[QLP]

Sorry to nitpick but what do you mean by, "I never cheated with her especially with men." If I was your wife I would want to hear, "I never cheated on you period." I assume you are just affronted with the suggestion you could be attracted to men but I wasn't entirely sure.

Also I'm sorry but it's not 100% clear to me how long you and your wife had problems. You say you were an alcoholic for about 2 years, but I assume you were stressed with the job before that as well. If I have understood you correctly you have been sorting yourself out for maybe 6 or 7 months. Well the thing is if your wife has been feeling she can't trust you for a long time it will also take time to rebuild that trust.

If you put pressure on her for intimacy she may feel that all this 'good behaviour' is just to get sex then you will fall back into the problematic ways.

The fact that she is withholding affection suggests she is afraid that if she opens up to you again she will be hurt again. Try to be patient and give her time to regain her trust and back off a bit physically.

Keep working on yourself. The more she senses that you have sorted yourself out properly the more she will feel able to trust you.

Keep on getting the help you wisely sought out for yourself and if time doesn't heal things with your wife consider asking her to come to counselling with you.

Good luck to you both.

[Jake2008]

When you were under stress and overwhelmed with the pressures of your job, how did she help you. Did she communicate that she was concerned about your health, or complain about the lack of time you spent with your children and her? Did you miss important dates like birthdays and anniversaries? School parent teacher interviews? Were you entirely tuned out, and did you attempt to talk to her about it, and did she listen? Surely in some way the two of you must have locked horns before this all fell apart.

There is no room for guessing in a marriage. She can't guess you are having an affair, she has to find out why you aren't home, and work WITH you to make sure you are. I don't think it would have been all that difficult for you to drop a couple of nights after work drinking sessions, and go home instead. Did she ask you to, or did the two of you talk about how to make things better? Did it go in one ear and out the other, and did she listen when you tried to explain? Why did the two of you not find a compromise.

Now that she seems to be wanting to make the marriage work, what is she doing to do that. Have the two of you considered marriage counselling? Maybe a family vacation? When do you communicate; do you make time to do that.

I can't see how all the blame can be put on your shoulders, and none on hers. It takes two people, two people, in a marriage, to communicate their needs and wants. Not one, some of the time, and the other none of the time, or a flimsy attempt to understand things by wondering why she won't be more cuddly and receptive. You need to find out!

You knocking yourself out trying, seems more like paying a debt than it seems like affection reciprocated. She is not due all the responsibility in the decline in the quality of your relationship, anymore than you are. You should both be making each other feel loved and appreciated, not one at the expense of the other.

When one side does all the giving, and the other all the taking, eventually resentment will follow. There are more questions, and fewer answers, and one party or the other is left scratching their head as to just what does it take to get this marriage back on track.

She's in or she's out, she works hard, you work hard, the marriage survives. Nothing else will work if both partners are not on equal footing.

[cavacln]

When I was going through this, she internalized everything. She would NEVER say what was on her mind. Periodically she would throw a sarcastic comment or two. I do not take sarcasm well and in retrospect, she was telling me in her way she was in pain and needed me to be there.
AS for the drinking and dropping a few night you are 100% right. I should have but I did not. I regret this dearly and will never do this again. I chose to drink than to be with her. I keep kicking myself in the butt for that. I since have never put anything before her and my family.
We went through marriage counseling but she is no fan of it. She stopped a while back and I still go at least once monthly. Cannot afford any more than that at this time.
I do put a great deal of blame on myself. I started the downward spiral and yes she did not help the process and I did blame her for many things. I chose to forgive her completely so that I can work on our marriage. I don't think she has forgiven me completely.
I desire to make our marriage work. I am in search of answers' in ways to heal her heart so we can move forward. I do grow weary and lately question why I should try when she does not show the affection I so desire.
How do I get her to open up, communicate her desires and her fears? I believe that if she open up and lets me have it, her fears, desires, hopes, anything, and everything that she thinks it will help us immensely.
I thank you for making me think and for all your direct and unbiased opinions. I will re-read all this once or twice more in hopes to let it sink in.

[cavacln]

She told me today that she is only here because of the kids. She wants nothing physical with me at all. I am in deep depression at this time and don't know what to do now. I just pray to GOD that he gives me the streanth to live through this.