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GreenGo · Jan 4, 2010, 07:11 PM

I think, I'm over thinking this... it really shouldn't be so complicated. Thanks for everyone's advice. I appreciate it.

Time to step back and watch her grow

GreenGo · Jan 20, 2010, 10:37 AM

About 2 months ago I started seeing a very good friend of mine, however we are not official. We started hanging out for a few weeks after she broke up with her boyfriend and then I kissed her for the first time after her birthday dinner in November. Since then, we've become A lot closer, however she is still not ready to commit. We've told each other that we are falling in love with one another but we are waiting until she is 100% ready for a relationship. She says she considers commitment as marriage and is afraid of going through another difficult breakup. Grief-wise, I feel as though she has escaped denial, anger, and bargaining phase's and is between the depression and acceptance in her breakup. However I think she is leaning more towards acceptance from my understanding and I've do everything I can to cheer her up. We are basically verbally committed however it isn't official. She says she isn't looking for anyone else right now, and I'm focused on my relationship with her and have been refraining from even talking to other women. To give you an idea of our relationship... we argue like a couple, have sat and cried together, tell each other everything, and her mom says that the only time she ever see's her smile is when she is with me. However, we both have different views on our commitment at this point. I feel as though it would give me security, knowing that I wouldn't lose her. She is afraid of commitment because she fears of losing me like she did her ex. I don't know though.. Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong and just need to take her word for now.

But, what should I do to help her overcome this fear? I mean, I've told her I'm here for the longrun, but she just comes back at me with "thats what he said... people fall out of love you know". I hate to be compared with her ex, but I don't blame her. I just wish I could help her gain faith in the lasting longivity of our relationship.

I care about this girl like I have nobody else and just want us to do what's best.

Justwantfair · Jan 20, 2010, 10:44 AM

It is way too early for her, you are a rebound keeping her from facing the grieving process.

She needs to make it through this process alone to make a healthy transition into being single and ready for a new relationship.

I don't know what you expect for answers, but you are hindering her growth and your relationship will pay the price if you continue to pursue her.

amicon · Jan 20, 2010, 10:52 AM

She's still healing from her breakup and any relationship she becomes involved in before she has completed the healing process will be a rebound.

She really should be on her own now-or she'll run the risk of dragging out her getting over breaking up with her ex.

GreenGo · Jan 20, 2010, 11:09 AM

She broke up with her ex in October, we hung out for a month like we always had in the past and then after I kissed her we started moving on with our relationship. She gave back all of her ex's stuff about a month ago and they sat and talked tieing up any loose ends. It's not like we hadn't told each other how we felt before that, but she was just in a relationship at the time and was focused on her ex. Before she got a boyfriend we hung out a lot but I was always too nervous to tell her how I felt. Then when she was no longer single her boyfriend would freak out every time we hung out so we didn't really see each other very much. I told her how I felt about a 1.5 years ago and she said that she had always felt the same way, but at that point she was committed to someone else. We tell each other everything but she never really has brought up her grief of him, to me. I've kept my distance refraining from being her so called "emotional crutch" as much as possible, and at this point I'm just waiting for her to be completely ready. I think part of her lack of official commitment may have to do with the fact that she doesn't want to feel as though it is a rebound... In all honestly I think our situation is different than the usual. We are VERY close and I know she wouldn't use me like your insisting. Her feelings are real, she told me how she felt before they brokeup... More so she has explained to me in the past, even before our relationship, that she doesn't even kiss someone unless she has strong feelings and recently we've been on the verge of having sex. However, I suggested, and we've agreed that we won't make love until the time is perfect.

UnluckyDucky · Jan 20, 2010, 11:44 AM

This is way, way too early to be jumping into a new relationship with you already - especially if you see her clearly going through stages of grief.

You asked how you can help her overcome her fear, but in the same breath you "want to do what's best". I can't help but feel there's a serious conflict of interest here. Have you ever thought of the possibility that what's best for her, may not necessarily what's best for her (at least right now)? I don't feel that it's fair at all that you're already asking her for a commitment - not only is she clearly not ready but she's still recovering from her previous relationship.

When we truly care about someone, we also have to keep in mind what's best for them. Unfortunately she may be unknowingly be using you to help her with her grief. Am I denying that there may be some real genuine feelings? Absolutely not. Perhaps in a different time and circumstance a relationship may have flourished of its own accord but this does not seem right. You may be thinking that you're the best thing for her right now, but the way I see it is that the best thing for her is to allow her to completely get over her previous relationship without any pressure from a new one.

If you truly care about this girl like you have nobody else, I hope you take a moment to step back and think about this situation objectively.

GreenGo · Jan 20, 2010, 12:05 PM

Im not directly asking her for her commitment. That's the thing, We have talked about this and both agreed that we want this to be a no pressure situation on both sides. In no way have I given her an ultimatum. I'm going to be here for her no matter the relationship status. I just would like to have a relationship with this girl. I've been taking it slow and acting on her move. We tried to completely stop being lovers when the grief initially hit her, and it lasted for a while but was really awkward for both of us when we hung out. We talk... and talk about everything and all of our feelings. I just want to know what we can do to get through this rough patch while continuing to keep my foot in the door, "in her mind", physically and emotionally. I fear that if I let go of what we have so far, for her to "fully heal", That I may lose my chance. I realize this is a possible outcome and like I said, I'm still going to stick around. I'm not going to run and completely subtract myself form her life. And again... I feel that she is between accepting her breakup and moving on... Recently a friend of hers is going through a breakup and she is giving her friend advice on how to move on, which I feel is a good sign. Honestly I think that she is about 90% over him and ready to move on. She has told me before that she doesn't think it is fair to me, to start a committed relationship with me until she is 100% ready. I know its not that fact that she wouldn't be able to have a relationship with other people that pushes her from commitment. I'm almost positive it's just because she wants to be 100% sure before she gets into a committed relationship, so she will feel 100% confident that she won't lose me and have to suffer a broken heart again. That's why like I said we've agreed to take it slow.

Justwantfair · Jan 20, 2010, 12:21 PM

Originally Posted by GreenGo

She broke up with her ex in october, we hung out for a month like we always had in the past and then after I kissed her we started moving on with our relationship.

You are not understanding, she isn't ready for a relationship, she needs time for herself. This is a process that she alone has to go through. You are using your friendship and foundation to advance your own agenda, but she is not ready and shouldn't be expected to be.

Originally Posted by GreenGo

We tell eachother everything but she never really has brought up her grief of him, to me.

A red flag that she isn't ready.

Originally Posted by GreenGo

I've kept my distance refraining from being her so called "emotional crutch" as much as possible, and at this point im just waiting for her to be completely ready.

Keeping your distance is not enough. Break up are a difficult experience, the comfort of another person is hard to resist for anyone, but that makes you a replacement/rebound, not a new love. Even if she thinks she is ready/begins a relationship with you, it is built on a foundation of rebound behavior. It takes two people to break up a relationship, it is never a one person event. Until she handles this situation alone, she will not have grown enough to have a fulfilling relationship with you.

Originally Posted by GreenGo

I think part of her lack of official commitment may have to do with the fact that she doesn't want to feel as though it is a rebound... In all honestly I think our situation is different than the usual.

Every relationship is different, yet as humans we are too similar in character to make every situation THAT different.

Originally Posted by GreenGo

We are VERY close and I know she wouldn't use me like your insisting.

Not on purpose.

Originally Posted by GreenGo

Her feelings are real, she told me how she felt before they brokeup... Moreso she has explained to me in the past, even before our relationship, that she doesn't even kiss someone unless she has strong feelings and recently we've been on the verge of having sex. However, I suggested, and we've agreed that we won't make love until the time is perfect.

Yes, she has real feelings, in fact, she is probably very confused and torn about getting involved and moving on so quickly. YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR HER, NOT YOU.

Justwantfair · Jan 20, 2010, 12:26 PM

Originally Posted by GreenGo

I just want to know what we can do to get through this rough patch while continuing to keep my foot in the door, "in her mind", physically and emotionally. I fear that if I let go of what we have so far, for her to "fully heal", That I may lose my chance.

How very selfish and insecure of you.

You will make an ideal rebound.

Romefalls19 · Jan 20, 2010, 12:39 PM

You're the scape goat for now, you hold her together so she doesn't fall apart dealing with her break up. Look at it this way, take a building with 2 main support beams, she had her boyfriend and then lost him so now you are her main support, she will use you as support until she finds another person to help her out. And if she doesn't deal with this break up alone, the next one will be even worse.

GreenGo · Jan 20, 2010, 01:00 PM

I guess I'm going about this all wrong. I mean I don't want to hurt her either by breaking everything we have off, cause I know it was awkward when we tried it last time.

And again I don't think you're understanding... Im not expecting her to be ready for a relationship RIGHT NOW... Im simply asking for advice on what I should do to help her out. It's not like I'm impatient. I've waited 4 years for this opportunity and I just don't want to screw it up.

Romefalls19 · Jan 20, 2010, 01:03 PM

And you aren't understanding us. There is nothing YOU can do to help her, she needs to conquer this demon on her own.

GreenGo · Jan 20, 2010, 01:03 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

How very selfish and insecure of you.

You will make an ideal rebound.

When I say I don't want to step back and "allow her to heal completely" I'm not saying I don't want her to heal. I want more than anything for her to accept what happened and realize what she has right in front of her. I honestly do think I can love this girl forever.

GreenGo · Jan 20, 2010, 01:09 PM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

And you aren't understanding us. There is nothing YOU can do to help her, she needs to conquer this demon on her own.

Touche'.

Understood.

I guess I've just been thinking that there must be something I can do to help her, and feeling bad for failing to help her fully recover. Everything I do is done with good intentions, I guess I just need to think things out and realize I need to do what's best for her rather than what "I" feel is best for us.

And since we've already tried to pause our relationship for the time being (until she completely healed) and failed, I guess I feel as though letting her go right now would basically be losing her and I'm scared and not ready. I've built up very strong feelings over the years.

Cat1864 · Jan 20, 2010, 01:59 PM

Originally Posted by GreenGo

And since we've already tried to pause our relationship for the time being (until she completely healed) and failed, I guess I feel as though letting her go right now would basically be losing her and I'm scared and not ready. I've built up very strong feelings over the years.

In a sense, for you this is a break up even though the 'committed relationship' hasn't really happened.

Be honest with her (and yourself) that you both need time and space to get back on your feet. Both of you need to go out and meet new people and have new experiences. Build up your own lives to create a stronger and more stable foundation should, IN THE FUTURE, you become an actual couple. Right now, the foundation is very uneven and no matter how hard you try you cannot support her share as well as your own.

J. Sparks · Jan 20, 2010, 03:10 PM

GreenGo >I feel as though it would give me security, (becoming an official couple) knowing that I wouldn't lose her.

Dude, It's been a month. You're insecure and need to let go of that idea of pushing for commitment or you will push her away. She already knows your feelings.
Hang out with her for the next 12 months and make it so much fun she will forget her past.
If you want it to last, let her come to you naturally for that commitment. For the moment, she's not sure of herself and is using you for comfort. Just enjoy your time together. You can lose someone you care for at any time, there is no security in this world.

GreenGo · Jan 20, 2010, 07:23 PM

Originally Posted by J. Sparks

GreenGo >I feel as though it would give me security, (becoming an official couple) knowing that I wouldn't lose her.

Dude, It's been a month. You're insecure and need to let go of that idea of pushing for commitment or you will push her away. She already knows your feelings.
Hang out with her for the next 12 months and make it so much fun she will forget her past.
If you want it to last, let her come to you naturally for that commitment. For the moment, she's not sure of herself and is using you for comfort. Just enjoy your time together. You can lose someone you care for at any time, there is no security in this world.

I feel like this is kind of what I want to hear. I'm not pushing her for commitment. I mean I've brought it up like twice in the last 2 months. But I haven't made it a huge deal to her. Lately I've just been hanging out with her and letting our relationship grow. I want our commitment to happen naturally.

It's like I know what I need to do, but at the same time I want to do the opposite even though I know its not the right thing. I guess is what I'm trying to say is I don't want to give her the feeling that she can have her cake and eat it to, but I don't want her to think that I'm giving her my all when I could be providing so much more. Im in a whirlwind of emotion right now.

For now, I'm just going to give her her time to heal. I'm not even going to bring up commitment unless she does so herself. I'm just going to continue hanging out with her and showing her a good time. I need to abolish the hopes of a relationship from my mind, just in case it falls apart down the road.

GreenGo · Jan 22, 2010, 12:55 AM

K so today I decided to finally contacted a girl that I had a relationship in the past with. (lets call her girl 2) I was talking to her to say sorry, because after we ended things I basically chewed her out because she kind of lied to me and was dating a douche. So I talked to her and apologized and basically just said that I didn't want there to be any grudge between us... the girl agreed and we talked for a bit. (trust me this is going somewhere) The girl is friends with the said girl I've been talking about in my previous posts. (refer to that girl as girl 1) Well I told girl 1 that I contacted girl 2 and apologized. Then girl 1 started freaking out because she felt as though the apology meant that I still had feelings for girl 2. This is not true and I explained it to girl 1, but she won't believe me. I can tell she is really sad about it, and honestly IDK what to do because I truly don't have feelings for girl 2, I just wanted to be able to get along with her since girl 1 and 2 are friends. What Shall I do..

emopunk7 · Jan 22, 2010, 01:15 AM

One thing I learned is to always stay away from exes no matter what. Especially with a new girl around. Just me though. This can be a problem as I would expect the same from my partner now so that may cause some trouble and be called trust issues on my part but I see it as disrespectful. What do you think?

amicon · Jan 22, 2010, 02:31 AM

As you're not in a committed relationship with 'girl 1' technically it should'nt matter who you talk to.

However,there you are,presenting yourself as her rock and her shoulder to cry on,so,any trust issues that she has from her breakup are bound to resurface.

This is what you get when you try to be a rebound.