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musial · Jan 10, 2010, 10:59 AM

My DIL and her family have consumed my son. Vacation time is totally devoted to her
European family -- visits from them, trips to there. I am squeezed in with phone conversations from my son, none from DIL. No acceptance of gifts, emails, return calls etc
From DIL. She is truly building no relationship with her in-laws. Without them she would not be on a successful career path here in this country. If confrontation is suggested then the son will support the DIL and communcation will be shut off from son to his family.
Maybe tough love is what is needed here? No grandkids as yet. I can only imagine that
Chapter. Advise.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 10, 2010, 11:14 AM

So it sounds like a threat? Without you and your families help she may not have a successful carrer?

So she don't call you,? So what
Does your son call you, call you back, and so on.

What happens when you travel to their home to visit ?

Devorameira · Jan 10, 2010, 04:22 PM

Why in the world would you want to get confrontational with your daughter-in-law?

Sometimes a mother-in-law just needs to bite her tongue and say nothing. Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children as often as you'd like, especially during the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.

Do you ever call your daughter-in-law yourself and just try to have a friendly conversation? Do you stay in regular touch with your son?

Remember, kindness and respect goes a long way.

4othersons · Jan 16, 2010, 11:26 PM

I totally understand how you feel and you are not alone. From recent experience both ways (over involvement or letting go) I have to agree with Devoameira that you may just have to let a lot of that slide and keep trying to be the loving and even mature one and treat your daughter in law the way you WANT her to treat you. Hopefully time, maturity and respect for your loving example will win her over.

Gemini54 · Jan 16, 2010, 11:38 PM

You just need to accept that your son has a life now. He's not wedded to you and your role in his life has lessened.

Why should you employ tough love? Are they delinquents? Have they mortally offended you? Have they completely neglected you? No. They are just doing what many young couples do which is focus on their lives and their relationship.

It's only natural that your DIL would have a closer connection with her parents particularly if she doesn't see them very often, and perhaps (given the tone of your post) you need to ask yourself why you don't see her or your son more often.

The tone of your post is angry and abrasive - you may well have reason to be angry, but I assure you that expressing it will drive them even further away.

Try to give without expectation of return (both gifts and love) and extend more tolerance and understanding. You may be surprised how it will change the dynamic.

4othersons · Jan 17, 2010, 01:04 AM

Oh, I do accept that he has a life now and I totally understand that she would be closer with her family than ours. But, they do see her family often, they have moved in with the new couple. I am angry, but I am not showing it to them. In fact, we have given them most every thing they needed for the baby. Her parents have not. We live 40 minutes away and are not living right in the home with them. When they come over, we dote on them and keep our mouths shut and don't intrude, we have bent over backwards to be the ones that are just there for them when they need us, and yet, the problem I have doesn't even lie so much with my DIL, but rather that her family does not want to let go of her and let her bond with our family, so we are always sort of on the outs. I know this will take time and maturity on my DIL's part, in the meantime I'm hoping her family doesn't lead to my son getting killed on the freeway as he is trying to not only provide for his family of 3, but their family of 5. At 22, he is young, respectful and I fear does not know how to politely let her family know where he draws the line. He is currently dividing up his brand new home to make it a mini apartment he can rent out, to bring in more income, but I also fear as a way to get her family to move out, as he doesn't know how to tell these people that their little family needs some space.

4othersons · Jan 17, 2010, 01:05 AM

Oops, sorry, thought I was responding to an answer to my post. I am still learning how to use this:)

Gemini54 · Jan 17, 2010, 04:20 PM

her family does not want to let go of her and let her bond with our family

Look, there is very little that you can do about this. Clearly her family places the greatest pressure and demands on their lives. Your son and DIL are adults now - leave them to learn their own lesson, make their own mistakes and learn to pick themselves up.

Try to step back and deal with your anger and worry. The dynamic between you all has changed and I understand that this is difficult for you.

You have no control over the decisions they make. All you can do is be there to offer support when they need it. And, I suspect they will - particularly your son.

Alty · Jan 17, 2010, 04:32 PM

There's a saying that I find is very true;

A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter for the rest of your life.

It's sad, but most times a son will gravitate more to his inlaws then to his own parents, simply because of his wife.

Anger won't help, confrontation won't help, less jealousy will.

4othersons · Jan 17, 2010, 05:14 PM

Yes, I do see how there isn't much to be done other than to let them make their own mistakes and just be the supportive parent and not interfere. Just nice to let it out and get feedback even if there isn't a "solution". I also realize now more than ever, and you are so right about that saying. Thanks, Gemini54 and Altenweg:)