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Clough · Dec 30, 2009, 03:18 AM

Hi again, LJDK!

Maturity concerning actions and thoughts in an intimate relationship does take time, patience, communication with your partner, and of course, love.

I think that you're growing more mature as far as understanding what true love is really about, so as to enable better, an intimate relationship to progress to that which is long-lasting.

Thanks!

LJDK · Jan 15, 2010, 06:15 AM

Hi.

Sorry I am so upset at the moment my hands are shaking.
I have no idea why... I guess it's a lot of stuff that has builded up. Negative projection from my friend's relationship into mine etc.

Well here goes. She phones me and invites me to lunch. Then I sounded a bit unsure if I could make it, then she says OK never mind I will go... pause, I will go have lunch alone.

Immediately my hearts starts racing. Furious as hell I become for no real reason. So I phone her on my way there. And I start ranting and raving at her, asking her if I am the rebound guy or is going on because lately it feels like speaking to a brick. Not even a wall, a wall still gives off an echo. But I speak with her about normal stuff and not even a yes or a umm or nothing. Just staring at the TV.

A Few mornings ago she got up and could not look me in the eyes once. The whole 3 hours before we go to work she would avoid me. I told her this is dodge and she must be hiding something. Drug abuse... that was what I was thinking but I did not mention it directly.

Personally I think I might just be upset from this crazy heat, the fact that I don't want to sit at work right now, my debt issues and all sorts of other crap and now I might be taking it out on her.

Why am I suddenly so scared I might be the rebound. Come to think of it I am an idiot. She did tell me way back when we met she is not ready for a relationship. 3 times to be exact. But we kept at it.

Maybe I am just becoming super nervous now that the wedding day is coming closer and closer. I know she loves me... I know she is over worked... working 6 days a week... I know and understand a lot of the things that gets her down. She already picked her dress and she is super excited to get married.

Truth is she gives me a lot of attention and love. And does not turn mute as often as I would like to portray this image of her. But I feel like bursting out in tears. Depressed. Scared of losing her and at the same time trying to lose her.

I guess I am just super scared... unable to believe that I could be so lucky to have her in my life. All I really know is solitude and sadness. Not love and companionship. Damn it must be one of my bipolar moods coming through again :/

amicon · Jan 15, 2010, 06:28 AM

When are you getting married? Maybe mutual pre-wedding nerves?
Can you not have a proper discussion about this?
You know, it sounds as if you're making a mountain out of a molehill.. .

LJDK · Jan 15, 2010, 06:31 AM

I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. I think we will have a chat after work. Perhaps she is scared too!

We are getting married in September only. But I have noticed that since I asked her I have been on this rollercoaster of being sure I want to, and then not being sure I want to.

amicon · Jan 15, 2010, 06:39 AM

Been there done that-nerves are normal-it's such a huge commitment.
Do you truly love her and do you truly want to spend your life with her? Do you feel you are truly compatible?
Does she feel the same?
If the answers to these questions are yes,and you are able to talk honestly about any problem that pops up,you are fine.

LJDK · Jan 15, 2010, 06:47 AM

We are still a young couple... but so far we have managed to talk about all our issues. Although it was hard at times, took some fighting screaming and throwing fits before calming down and sorting stuff out.

But yes I would love to spend the rest of my life with her. Guess I will be asking her those questions tonight.

amicon · Jan 15, 2010, 07:21 AM

Good luck.
Take care. :-)

LJDK · Jan 15, 2010, 10:37 PM

So I asked her if she thinks she could and want to spend the rest of her life with me. She said no. We talked, fighted over BS. Went for dinner when things calmed down.

So I tried talking to her, trying to figure out why it seems like she does not care anymore about us. She said "i dont care about our relationship anymore, i am only 22 and i dont need this sht"

I told her I noticed this a while ago, thus all the fights we have been experiencing. She left for work now, did not speak a word this morning.

I honestly don't know what to do. Do I try and cling to something that is dying or do I let it go with dignity. How could things get so bad so quick.

I can honestly see that she does not care, and I have been seeing this for some time but kept telling myself I am expecting too much. Sigh.

The reasons she gave me is that I am not the same as when we met, I use to be a go with the flow person and lately I make much issues about little things. Granted perhaps I have been a little out of touch with myself.

Still, not sure if its over now or what the hell is going on. She did not say its over, or she needs a break or anything. Still I cannot help but feel that we already broke up. Damn I'm sad... scared... :'(

emopunk7 · Jan 15, 2010, 11:56 PM

I always believed a man's intuition speaks just as loud as a woman's except we are taught to be tougher and hang in there. Since your first post you already knew in a way that things were going down and going down fast. Let's be real, it's what lead you to post here. You are wise and you saw signs that were there. She was distant and you just didn't get the right vibes anymore. Don't be too hard on yourself. Feelings are feelings. If you are sad then it's because something is making you sad. If you are angry, something is making you angry. Don't tell yourself you shouldn't feel a certain way. You really can't help it. You can try to not portray it to others but is that being honest? Your ex is not the right one for you. You both cause each other stress and pain. Itls not your fault nor hers. It took me a while to understand that. You live and learn and you do better next time. You will meet someone else and you will be okay. I say you let this girl go already and begin NC and heal ASAP. I think you already know what's going to happen and you and I both know the damage is unrepairable. Something's are better left broken than to get hurt fixing it. I wish you the best. Hang in there! Your friend, Emopunk7

amicon · Jan 16, 2010, 02:38 AM

Sorry to hear this-I always had the feeling this relationship was very volatile and that the two of you were not on the same page.

It sounds like breaking up would be the best option,sad as that is.

It's your choice of course,but that's what I would do.

LJDK · Jan 19, 2010, 04:11 AM

OK. She came to me and said she is sorry, she wanted to hurt me so she said she does not care about the relationship. As for the not wanting to marry me, well that we have not talked about.

I have adopted a new policy in our relationship and that is to play the role of the stereotypical male, cold distant, not wanting to talk about "issues".

So far it has been going great. She does seem concerned about me being distant but that is what she wanted after all... like they say be careful what you wish for.

In all honesty I think this role suites me better than the role of a man who is in touch with his emotions.

I can feel myself slowly drifting away from her. From this relationship. I am not sure if I feel anything at all anymore. After the harsh words of the other day, I dealt with it as if a break up occurred. Perhaps why I no longer feel much.

Not sure what she is thinking, not going to make the mistake again to care. Caring leads to issues that could have been left in the closet.

amicon · Jan 19, 2010, 04:40 AM

I think your communication has broken down,she's playing games and being very immature. Even thinking about marriage at this point,would be,pointless. Is there anything left to work on? All I see is confusion. Something is going to have to change and soon.

LJDK · Jan 19, 2010, 04:51 AM

I did try to open communication but we seem to lack this ability. Both of us, to do it without getting upset and pointing fingers.

Perhaps couple counceling.

amicon · Jan 19, 2010, 04:56 AM

Suggest it to her.
Without communication you really don't have a relationship.

LJDK · Jan 20, 2010, 05:54 AM

Hi.

If you did something bad, how do you hide it without becoming too distant or detached.

Romefalls19 · Jan 20, 2010, 06:13 AM

What did you do? And I wouldn't hide it, it always finds its way out in the open. Come clean now and accept the consequences

amicon · Jan 20, 2010, 06:30 AM

Whatever it is,don't hide things from a partner-honesty is always the best policy.

LJDK · Jan 20, 2010, 06:33 AM

I did not do anything. And I am not trolling. I am merely trying to understand different perspectives on how people manage to do this.

I have never been able to hide anything, thus I keep out of trouble.

Romefalls19 · Jan 20, 2010, 06:37 AM

No one said you were trolling. Some people have a higher tolerance for guilt I guess. I mean there is no clear answer because every person is different, I know people who just don't care what they do or who they hurt while I know others that rationalize it in their own heads

LJDK · Jan 20, 2010, 06:43 AM

I guess you are right. It has to come down to how much you really care about others.

I would like to live in such a cold mind for a few days, just to see their perspective.

I must admit I have been thinking about cheating, a lot to be honest. But I know I won't be able to hide it very well. Thus my interest in the subject.

Thought there might be tips on how to not feel guilty about such things.