[redrumx3]

I'm not even sure where to begin...

My best friend and I have been through hell and back with each other, both having been through mentally controlling and physically abusive relationships. Her relationship lasted almost a year, mine lasted two. When the relationships ended, especially mine, we leaned on each other a lot. We've had talks and swears and promises to never, ever let any person, let alone man, have that effect on our lives.

She's 20, and has been with this guy about a month or so now. It's her second boyfriend aside from the first abusive one. The guy she is dating now is 30, making him 10 years her senior, has a 15 year old son, and has been divorced. For the first two weeks, he openly told her their "relationship" was strictly for sex, that he wasn't committing. She accepted that. Her contact with me started slowing after two weeks with him (we talked every day throughout the day). I soon find out from, here we go, Facebook, that he's telling her he loves her and vice versa. I met the guy twice, both times he was very standoffish. Her contact with me pretty much shot to a 1 on a scale of 10. She didn't answer phone calls, texts, anything. Randomly I'd get an answer. I finally get a hold of her and she told me he had asked her to be his girlfriend.

When we met him with her, she wasn't herself at all. She's normally loud and rambunctious, especially the two of us together, but she was very quiet and reserved with him there, even after telling me how exciting she was to show him how she was with me. When we (my family, mother and brother who regard her as family), finally saw her one other time (in the past month, she used to be here every day), my mom made a comment about him not liking us, and she responded with, "well..it's not that..." and stopped mid sentence. This to me shows he badmouthed us, and she stood back and kept with him. She's pretty much broken my family's heart with this, ignoring them, not wishing my mom a happy birthday today after I called her yesterday about it.. just those things.

I don't know what to do. I left her a voicemail telling her to remember everything we had talked about, etc. etc, but no telling if she listened. I know she's probably smitten and he's playing the game he's had 10 years her senior to perfect, but seeing as we've been through this, talked about it, both sides she's been on, I'm speechless. I'll be here for her no matter what, but I don't know how to bring it up to her without pushing her closer to him, or her being defensive, or if anything's going on.

[mudweiser]

Unfortunately all you can do is support her and be there for her once she wakes up from this whole thing... if she does wake up.

Keep trying to contact her and being a friend-- she'll need one soon when she realizes that this guy is a huge loser.

[redrumx3]

Should I let her know how I feel or just keep on like nothing's happening? I don't know for sure it's him keeping her from us, but I don't know why else she wouldn't contact the people she had been for four years.

[mudweiser]

Well when you go out I think you should tell her how you feel, but don't be like "Your boyfriend is a total douche bag a hole and you need to dump him". Give her examples of how her behavior has changed or things he has done or said that raised that little red flag.

Remind her that you'll stand by her no matter what and that your simply looking out for your bestie ;)

[redrumx3]

Haha I'd love to be able to tell her that! But thanks, I'll give it a try and see what happens from there :)

[cdad]

Is it possible your projecting yourself onto her life ? It sounds like since you had trust issues with previous relationships your now trying to control what your friend is doing. The only thing you can do is be there in the shadows if that's where its going to be until she comes to something really being up. She's taking on a lot in this new relationship. If they get even more serious and marry there will be even more on her plate. Being a mother and that close to the age of the child is disturbing at best. But that is the world she is creating for herself and if she is convinced she is in love there is nothing you can do to stand in the way.

[redrumx3]

I'm not trying to control what she's doing... yes I'll admit my own past does cause me to look at the situation from a different angle, but I'm only trying to look out for her. I know how those relationships can be, it's hard sitting back and just watching something like that happen if it is happening. Aside from the fact that she's a sister to me and my family and I are a little hurt she turned her back on us... idk it is a tough call for me because it is on a personal level in more than one way. Idk, I'd feel so guilty if I found out he was like that, would feel like I wasn't there for her. But I'm going to step back and just be here when she needs me