[flower81]

I am writing here so maybe someone can help me deal with my mum.

Brief history, mum and dad were married for 30 years. Happy marriage on the whole.
5 years ago dad died, and mum was on her own. For 1 whole year she was truly sad and depressed.
However 1 year after she met this guy!

Both me and my brother were not so happy but he started to make her smile so we accepted him.
Basically they had an good relationship for 1 – 1.5 yrs then she asked him to move in with her.

From then on things started going down hill, he was possessive, jealous, commentative and abit boring, - total opposite to my father.
But on his good days he made mum happyish!
However after so many years of this actually 4 years mum finally asked him to leave.

He left, and now mum fell in a depression.

She told me she made an mistake asking him to leave but before she did this all she was telling me for 2 yrs straight was that he is making her feel claustrophobic and they don’t talk anymore an so on and so forth.
She says she misses him and feels lonely. She says its not nice not to have a man. My mum is 60. He was 15 yrs younger!

My brother and I get very annoyed when we hear speak like this of HIM….

We believe she is missing my father as 1 year is not enough to grieve your husband of 30 yrs whom you were really happy with.
But she is not seeing it this way, as she said – when they are alive there is hope.
HOPE FOR WHAT? She wasn’t happy with him.

Please help me as I'm starting to get annoyed about all this and so is my brother.

She is now on strong antidepressants

[flower81]

Anyone :(

[artlady]

She has not learned how to be content as a single person.

Many people jump from one relationship to another in the hope that another will bring them the happiness they desire.
The opposite is true.

You must be happy and content being alone in order to ever be happy in a relationship.

She needs to feel good about herself without a man in her life,otherwise she will settle for any guy just to have someone.

I would suggest getting her involved in some classes where she can meet like minded people.

Take a class with her.She sounds like she is in need of some self esteem.

Maybe a make over would help her.

Get her to volunteer her time.

If she won't do it alone,go with her.

I am giving you a link to a great site that is an activist site for people to join in and do fun things and it is a great way to meet others.They have communities all over the world.

Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup.com

[flower81]

What you are saying is so right...

She is NOT content as a single person and I believe she won't ever be at the rate she is going.

I have tried on so many occasions to get her to go to classes but its impossible she won't go.
I don't have a lot of spare time myself as I work full time, plus I'm pregnant but I go see her as often as I can after work and spend sundays with her.

She still looks after herself and goes to hairdresser once a week.

But you are right about she needs to be content alone.
In her eyes a life without a partner is lonely.
HOw I can make her see the contrary?

[redhed35]

artlady had to spread the rep.. ill come back,great post.

Just to add to artlady's post,perhaps some grief councilling and /or group therapy may help,being with other widows and widowers might help.

[redhed35]

What you are saying is so right....

she is NOT content as a single person and i believe she wont ever be at the rate she is going.

I have tried on so many occassions to get her to go to classes but its impossible she wont go.
I dont have alot of spare time myself as i work full time, plus im pregnant but i go see her as often as i can after work and spend sundays with her.

She still looks after herself and goes to hairdresser once a week.

But you are right about she needs to be content alone.
In her eyes a life without a partner is lonely.
HOw i can make her see the contrary?

Its hard starting again,and finding things that you can enjoy on your own,is she interested in any hobbies,art classes or book clubs or dance classes,bowling clubs, a course,there's so much out there,as art lady suggested,if she won't go on her own maybe you could go too,just as moral support,or rope in some aunts or uncles.

[artlady]

What you are saying is so right....

she is NOT content as a single person and i believe she wont ever be at the rate she is going.

I have tried on so many occassions to get her to go to classes but its impossible she wont go.
I dont have alot of spare time myself as i work full time, plus im pregnant but i go see her as often as i can after work and spend sundays with her.

She still looks after herself and goes to hairdresser once a week.

But you are right about she needs to be content alone.
In her eyes a life without a partner is lonely.
HOw i can make her see the contrary?

I would tell her that she is a valuable wonderful woman and she is wasting some of the best years of her life pining away for what she does not have.

Remind her of what she does have and that life is passing by while she sits on her duff.

She has to lose her fear and just get out there and make life happen.
Give her pep talks and encouragement.

Aside from dragging her out of the house and getting her to focus on herself there isn't much you can do and I can appreciate your frustration and concern.

You could also tell her that you are a little disappointed in her ,you thought she was a little tougher.Thats the kind of thing that would get my Mom moving.Get her moxie up!

Do check out the link I provided in my last post ,there are loads of things going on in your neck of the woods as well but she has to make that first step.

[flower81]

I do tell her she is tougher than she thinks she is..
And to move on
But she says I don't understand her as I have never been alone as I have a loving husband!

:(

[flower81]

its hard starting off again,and finding things that you can enjoy on your own,is she interested in any hobbies,art classes or book clubs or dance classes,bowling clubs, a course,theres so much out there,as art lady suggested,if she wont go on her own maybe you could go too,just as moral support,or rope in some aunts or uncles.

No hobbies really :(
She has good friends, one is a widow and one is separated, and she goes out with them daily for lunch and shopping and even at night, as she can't stay at home on her own.
Her family sisters and brothers support her too!

But she still looks sad as she is 'alone'

[redhed35]

How about having her over for lunch during the week,do some baby shopping?

Just a change in routine and something to look forward too.

What about a part time job?

If she won't budge on any of the suggestions,perhaps she needs to go back to the doctor,or grief councilling.

[flower81]

She won't work lol
She says she has never worked in her life, why start now at 60!

I can't do lunch during the week as I full till 6pm.
But I do go see her after work and we meet on Sundays.
Yes I have taken her with me when I have my ultrasound appts

[artlady]

I do tell her she is tougher than she thinks she is..
and to move on
but she says i dont understand her as i have never been alone as i have a loving husband!

:(

It sounds like she is determined to stay in this funk.

She does realize she isn't going to meet anyone sitting at home.Men don't come knocking door to door the last I knew.

Maybe your new baby will give her some positive focus and she will stop feeling sorry for herself and I know that sounds cruel but it does seem like she is sitting on the pity pot a bit.

Again,check out the link I provided and I'm sorry I couldn't come up with any great ideas here but the bottom line is is she is unwilling there isn't much you can do.

You can do something about her whining to you about it.I would tell her the next time she says anything about the jerky guy that you don't want to hear it.

I wish you the best and if I can brainstorm any ideas ,I will come back :)

[flower81]

To be fair she doesn't sit at home
She is always out with her friends, she can't stay at home on her own and she gets depressed and lonely!

Yes next time she mentions his name ill stop her and say I'm not interested.
I told her many a time, I said if you feeling this way about dad its understanable but about this jerk its NOT...

He owes her 1500 from when they were still together but he has not paid her back, even thou they signed a paper saying he will...
She is still msging him asking him for it and over and over again he don't reply!
Don't know why she is bothering anymore..

[flower81]

As well how can I make her see that asking this jerk to leave was in fact a bright thing to do?

As I don't want her to think she made a mistake, just because she is lonely without a partner.

[artlady]

aswell how can i make her see that asking this jerk to leave was infact a bright thing to do?

As i dont want her to think she made a mistake, just because she is lonely without a partner.

She needs to be reminded how she felt with him when they were together.

People tend to look at their past relationships with rose colored glasses.

She needs to remember how she felt the day she asked him to leave.
If she seems to be caught up in that trap,you are going to have to be very blunt and remind her.

Sounds like he was looking for a sugar Mama,and he got it.
I am not much younger than your Mom and if my adult children tell me something I may not want to hear,I listen anyway!

I hope you can get through to her.

[flower81]

She needs to be reminded how she felt with him when they were together.
.

I do remind her and she agrees but then still says but its still lonely with no partner...

I get so tired of this :(

People tend to look at their past relationships with rose colored glasses.

She needs to remember how she felt the day she asked him to leave.
If she seems to be caught up in that trap,you are going to have to be very blunt and remind her.

Sounds like he was looking for a sugar Mama,and he got it.
I am not much younger than your Mom and if my adult children tell me something I may not want to hear,I listen anyway!

I hope you can get through to her.

She does listen to me and we talk a lot
But sometimes I think she is closing herself up just by believing and saying - being along is LONELY

[artlady]

You need to think about you and the baby you are carrying also.
That has to be your priority right now.

Bottom line ,Mom is just going to have to come to the conclusion that alone need not equal loneliness.

That is her choice to see it that way.She can fill her time doing things that make her happy if she chooses.

Try not to let this stress you out as your good mental state of mind is important to you and your baby right now :)

[flower81]

Yes I know.
You are so right again..

But besides worry I am now getting annoyed and stressed when I hear mum say :-

Ist Lonely being ALONE..

Number 1 - she is NOT ALONE she has ME, my bro, my husband and her friends and family, but I when I tell her so she says its not the same as having a partner..

I give up sometimes! As I told her even thou you had a partner after dad.. half the time you were not happy with him! But she still says its still lonely alone and I don't understand!

[flower81]

artlady had to spread the rep..ill come back,great post.

just to add to artlady's post,perhaps some grief councilling and /or group therapy may help,being with other widows and widowers might help.

She won't do that as she believe she will only feel worse