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Many things that are making me angry, starting to resent, don't know what to do.
Okay, I am a 23 year old male, my girlfriend is 22. I want to say 2 things in this post and for the last thing I want HONEST opinions on the subject, although I don't really believe I did anything wrong...
Ok, so my girlfriend and I have been together for just over 3 years. We have had our arguments on and off just like everyone else. About 2-3 weeks ago her mother sold her house, and we moved into the basement of the next house that she bought, I love it here... however, for 3 weeks now she has NOT wanted sex at all, I'd say more like 4-6 now that I think about it. What really gets to me is that we used to have THE BEST sex life, it was amost every night, bla bla bla whatever, we have gotten various things from the local 'adult' store 'novelties' if you will... She gets what she wants most of the time at that store, lol. Here is one thing that really shocked me and made me sad and angry and everything at the same time, we had sex one night after we went to that store and I spent about $190 on lingerie and the woman at the store helping us was so nice to us (obviously) and helpful and whatever later that night she wore it, and then immediately after I finished, she burst into tears saying that she was so stressed from work and everything... she hasn't worn it since (that was 2 months ago) even though she sais she likes it... Regardless of that, we had sex another time before moving then for a WEEK she wasn't interested and then one night she said she wanted to then the next day she said I forced her... no idea where she got that idea from... maybe a day or 2 later we had sex again and said after sex 'there you got it tonight you must be happy... ' I think that was 5 days ago now... and still nothing since, she doesn't even try to initiate sex or anything.. I always have to TRY and see if she'll want to. It never used to be like this. Like I said before I just moved in here less than a month ago and I already want to leave the relationship.. not only because of this though, we argue a lot, she's SO damn lazy I can't stand it, she thinks because she was at work all day that that means the world has to revolve around her, I actually count how many times I hear "can you get me..." followed by whatever she wants (usually I lose count). ----- THE LAST PART: Okay, so all of that being said, keep in mind what I am about to say is THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER ASKED or EVEN ATTEMPTED, but I asked in good faith that she'd trust me enough and all that stuff. Okay, so Jan 1st her brother and his girlfriend were here with the 2 of us and he asks me "Do you wanna go drinking when I am done work 11pm tomorrow?". I say sure where would you want to go and he said 'local strip bar name' and I turned to my girlfriend and said "Do you mind if I take him there since he's never been to one"? RIGHT THEN her brothers girlfriend sais 'I'd go no problem' then my girlfriend went from looking annoyed to EXTREMELY PISSED and she went into our bedroom and started crying and freaking out saying 'why do you have to go look at other girls bla bla bla'. I said that's not what its all about, basically it's a guy thing and that you go with a bunch of people and just chill and drink, it's a completely different atmosphere and she wouldn't understand. And its true, I myself NEVER HAVE and NEVER WILL cheat on my girlfriend, even though in all honesty, if I was going to cheat on her, I wouldn't go to a strip bar, I'd go to a regular bar, and I'm sure many here will agree with that at a strip bar, I highly doubt any stripper would go home with any of the guys, but I don't know, in my 5 years of being legal to go to such places, I've gone 3, the first time I was there all night for a friends 19th (legal age) birthday, second and third time were just for 2-3 beers then went home, this was before the girlfriend, haven't gonce since. With that said, my intentions were to just have a fun night (because I don't get many, I work 4pm-12am sun-thurs). I told her 'Look, I can either ask you if I can go or I can just go' and personally I would feel better her knowing that I was there because if I were to go behind her back and just go and have her find out at a later date, that would be MUCH worse. I meant NO harm nor was I trying to start a fight, I just asked a simple question and no I did NOT end up going, she had her girls night I went to my friends house and drank and watched him play video games all night, IT WAS THE MOST BORING AND HORRIBLE LONG WEEKEND OF MY LIFE!! (Oh, and she said if I did go, she wouldn't let me back... ) Was I in the right or the wrong with that one. AND thank you for any advice that you give, it is VERY appreciated! The first part before the part with her brother, I am very confused on what to do, I love her, but I also somewhat have some resentment, I spent way too much money on her for christmas and her birthday combined (which is right around xmas) and I can't believe she's being like this, one gift was $400 and one was $600 and she was pissed off about the card not being the BEST card ever? (this is one thing I hate about her, if something isn't the way she THOUGHT it was going to be, she es and complains and cries (tears) about it. ONE last thing (I'm sorry I'm rambling, there's just too much to say), one thing that REALLY REALLY REALLY bothers me is that ANY time we walk into the mall and walk past a jewelry store like peoples or spence or something, she's like '(sigh) I wish I had another kind of ring'... EVERY TIME. She (this christmas) said she was dissapointed I didn't give her an engagement ring. All of this combined is starting to make me believe that I would be happier by myself for awhile then even happier if/when I find the right person for ME. Right now I don't think I have the right person... At least we're not 'common-law' yet (since I just changed my address to the same as hers) so I wouldn't have to give her half my stuff... yet I've tried to break up with her before but she always makes me feel bad and I feel damn HORRIBLE still... |
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She needs to get into counseling. For one thing it appears she feels she's being overwhelmed by whatever stresses in her life. Likely its not a single thing but a combination. If that does not help then consider couples counseling, its possible its something each of you are doing that neither of you are recognizing.
Stress is a serious libido killer for either men or women. Not to mention she appears to be lashing out. Now as far as common law marriage... there is a required period you have to be living together before that happens. It may vary from state to state but I do recommend you find out what applies where you live to avoid any problems or effectively being mugged. Secondly... if you are living in a parents basement because you can't afford your own place then that's all together too much money to be wasting on gifts. And gifts should be considered gifts... with no expectation of getting something in return from them. Also... time for a serious bit of self examination. What has changed recently? What do you do differently than before... sometimes we may not even notice a change that others do. Exactly WHAT is stressing her at work... there have been similar posts by others in this situation over the last couple years. |
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I gave her these gifts and she got upset that she couldn't get me the same gifts of equal value and I kept telling her that it didn't matter and that I'd be happy even if she got me nothing. The common-law thing here is 6 months apparently, 6 months in my opinion is ridiculous but I know I need to figure my stuff out because I don't want to get robbed of the things I just bought for this apt. i.e. 46" TV with matching stand, blu ray player and surround sound. Call me self-centred but I'd rather not lose $3000 for something I could have prevented you know. |
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Again... how long have you been dating? Common law marriage is generally ONLY valid if you've been representing yourselves as a married couple--as in, you call her your wife, and she calls you her husband, she took your last name, you tell people you're married, etc. Co-habiting doesn't make for common-law marriage. |
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 Originally Posted by Synnen
For the OP, where is it only 6 months? That really is totally ridiculous. |
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Originally Posted by smoothy
I seem to remember that almost no state recognizes common law marriages anymore--but that there have been co-habitation cases for long term relationships where one partner made a significant amount more than the other (usually a stay at home parent situation with the other person being the only breadwinner). I can't quote a law on this though. Confuzed, it would REALLY help if you could tell us how long the relationship has been, and where, in general, you are (a state or province, for instance). |
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We have been together for just over 3 years, in Canada, Ontario. I've heard 6 months not sure if its true. Did anyone not read the whole thing? What about the last part about that bar. I don't feel that I did anything wrong I want some opinions on that though... Thank you so much so far |
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It sounds like your Girl Friend is having some issues. It could be that she was expecting a little more when you moved in, i.e. an engagement ring. She could see the proposal as a logical consequence and the fact that you're holding out as a sign that your feelings aren't as... strong as hers. Also, keeping tract in a relationship is not a good thing. "I spent $$$ here and $$$ there so why isn't she opening up her legs?" I think it matters more the intention of what you gave and what you did. A $500 necklace is common, but a $3 card that waxes on your feelings for your Mate is a treasure and would be more valuable. As for the Stress. That is, as smoothy has said, is a libido killer. What is the stress and where is it coming from is the questions you should be asking. She might be having some body image issues. Which are hard to remedy. I take it you're still satisfied with her. Also take care in how you're acting towards her. It could be that all it seems that you're asking for is sex, and that is all you want from her. She could be questioning your commitment to her. As for the strippers, I have always held to the belief that looking is fine. My girl friends, and Ex-Wife, have believed the same. I don't think it is a big deal, and most other women do as well. The more I think on this, the more I wonder if there isn't some underlying trust issues here. Regardless, you need to sit down and have a long deep talk with her. See where she is sitting. It might be time to move on, but it might also be time to dig in and fight for what you want. Counselling might be an idea if you can afford it. Cheers, Craven |
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As far as I'M concerned she's out of line about going to the Nudie bar with friends... around here ANY bar (nudie or regular) will lose its liquor license in a heartbeat if narcotics or prostitution are dealt with on the premises. And yeah, as a result they are VERY proactive about keeping it out.
You don't go every night, you are still a single man who makes his own decisions. As a girlfriend she has less right to comment on it than a wife would. She has an unreasonible paranoia in that area. In any case if she says "I wish I had this...or I wish I had that" doesn't mean you have to get her them or even should. She is entitled to her dreams, that's what window shopping is all about. I do that every time I drive past a Ferrari, Mercedes or BMW dealer... doesn't mean I have to go in and buy one, or even take a test drive. (IF I could even afford it) |
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Oh, and my main thought when I come home is not just sex or whatever, its coming home to HER but she seems so distant all the time. One HUUUUUUUUUUGE problem I am having is that she gets upset with the way she looks, and my friend who used to way 300+lbs lost 120lbs in a year on a STRICT diet, he wrote out a whole thing for her that wasn't as strict or insane a diet as his was... I gave it to her, haven't seen it since and she still eats just as bad nor does she take ANY medication that she's supposed to take. |
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All right, I read the whole post 3 times, and just didn't see the part about how long you'd been together. My apologies. As far as the strip club goes--that's a relationship discussion. Some women are okay with it, some are absolutely against it. If you can't reach a compromise about it, then your relationship has got issues anyway. I personally don't have a problem with strip clubs, but women with self-esteem issues generally do--as do many women with set ideas about porn and strippers. You're not going to get her to change her mind on this. Are you willing to let it go? My personal take on the entire thing is that you walk away from it. You're not happy, she's not happy, you don't seem to understand her, and she doesn't seem to understand you. If you're not willing to do that, then I would look into couple's counseling, or at least into books about communicating between the sexes. "The Five Love Languages" is one that seems to be a great way to open up discussions about HOW you each communicate love. "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus" may be tongue in cheek in some ways, but it does have several things that you could think about. Stress is a libido killer. So is being expected to be happily in lust because you got an expensive gift. She's not a wh0re. Gifts are gifts... not payment for sex. My suggestion (if you skip the couples counseling or the books) is to sit and TALK with her every evening--and FORGET about sex completely until she initiates it. |
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Originally Posted by veryconfuzed
You either love her the way she IS, weight gain and all, or you don't. Something that hasn't been asked yet is this: if her job is more stressful than usual, how much of the extra housework have you picked up? Are you doing the laundry, dishes, cooking, vacuuming--or is she still doing her share and more of the chores? My husband figured out a LOOOOONG time ago that the best form of foreplay is doing the dishes--by hand. I wash, he dries. You're close together by the sink, making for lots of opportunities to touch, you're working TOGETHER on a chore, and it gives you time to talk with your hands full--so it can't be sexual, really, except in the mind. You've got to get into her mind, into what she's thinking, way before you can get into her pants. |
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Sounds like a combination of low self esteme and old fashioned laziness.
Have you talked to her mother about the medication issues yet? She might have more sway with her there... as far as being a slob... you can't MAKE her do anything. But neither do you HAVE to put up with it either. Its only going to get worse after you get married IF you ever do. Constructive encouragement will work, but you have to know what sort of motivations will work for her. There are no one size fits all answers and she will likely NEVER be a runway model so keep the expectations reasonible. You do have to be very careful with any diet... too many of them range from unhealthy to outright dangerous. And with any diet... the dieter needs to want to do it. Not just bellyache about it. Or its just not going to work. But seriously... consider the possibility you may have to move out and move on... you see so many red flags flying here you can't miss them. You want a girlfriend... not a project. |
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your quote about the ferarri thing is a VERY valid point. But still, I believe she is trying to pressure me into getting her an engagement ring and in all honesty that is the last thing I want to do. I would rather wait until I'm 26-28 or when I can afford to buy my own house and all that. Why just say BAM there it is and not even be happy to do it you know. She's always talking about how she wants this damn $20,000-$30,000 wedding, I make around $45,000 a year... Now, I'm all for a wedding and not being sure how much they cost (obv. Alot), I'd say $20,000 is pushing it let alone $30,000. Don't even get me started on her rant about the honeymoon which SHLOULD cost $13,000. Did I mention if I work 10hrs less than her in a week for 2 weeks I still make about $500.00 more than her. So you can see she is being VERY unrealistic when she can't even save a cent by the time her next paycheque comes.
oh and about the strip clubs, my girlfriend is not slim and yes she is overweight, and she CAN help it by taking her meds and eating proper, I do NOT resent her in ANY way for the way she looks, I couldn't care less. So I do understand in a way why she would get upset because I'd be 'looking' at a girl on stage that might or might not look perfect in 'my' opinion according to her but like I said, it doesn't matter, I have talked to her MANY MANY times about both of our eating habits and she said she will try and she did for about 2 weeks then it was mcdonalds or kfc or some random stuff again and candy and whatever. I haven't had fast food for about 2-3 months now except once, and subway sandwhiches (coldcut combo) to me doesn't count as fast food since it's a much healthier choice Originally Posted by smoothy
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Holy cow. I had a church wedding, with 150 people for the ceremony and reception. My wedding cost $8000. That we saved VERY hard for. My wedding ring AND engagement ring cost less than $50 together--as a matter of fact, all THREE rings (his included) cost us about $75. Our honeymoon cost us the gas money to get up to his parents' cabin, and money for food to stock the fridge for a week. While it's okay to DREAM about the big wedding, and nice honeymoon--you need to have a talk with her about "reasonable expectations". BUT at the same time, I see her point. She's given you three years already... and she's expected to wait for at LEAST three more years before you'll make the serious commitment of marriage? So... what part of the relationship are YOU not taking seriously. After 3 years with my husband, I was pointing out engagement rings, as well. It comes down to this: either you're committed, or you're not. If you're committed, then you talk realistically with each other about the future--INCLUDING time frame for marriage/engagement, what she'd LIKE in a ring. Not that you're promising she'll get it that soon, but you SHOULD be willing to at least look at rings with her, as long as she understands that you'll propose in YOUR timeframe. The other side of that is that if you don't propose to her in YOUR timeframe, she's likely to go find someone who WILL. You cannot ask a girl to wait for 6 years for an engagement ring without giving some SERIOUS concessions yourself. Like... oh... not going to strip clubs because she's not comfortable with it. |
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@synnen: I have given her my timeframe and was trying to explain to her how right now wouldn't be a good idea because she's in university, I'm trying to figure out what I want to take in school again (I was taking an auto mechanics course last year but dropped it after a car accident I was in), and giving her a ring she'd immediately start planning a wedding.. I know it. She even said to me a couple times that if I spend less than $3000.00 on her ring then she wouldn't accept it. HOW SELF CENTRED/greedy can you be. Either way, my main reason is that if/when there is a wedding, I'd rather OWN a house that way we're not married living in her mother basement... don't get me wrong her mom is awesome, but you know what I mean, right now I have about $6000.00 saved and its capped at that right now while we pay off the couches/tv ($2500.00 each together, it won't take me too long to pay off). |
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Originally Posted by veryconfuzed
Don't let her pressure you into getting married yet either with all her current issues... that would be a huge mistake. They won't go away just because the rings on her hand. They will only get worse when she feels the hunt is over and she caught her quary. Its clear she doesn't give a damn what she looks like... or her health based on her diet and her not taking her meds... I can see her being a 300 pounder in 5 years if she continues like that. She may not care about being slim but she should care about high blood pressure and diabeties which are real concerns, not to mention elevated risk of Colon Cancer. She doesn't HAVE to be a size 4 but she should care about a healthy diet and how it effects future health. Because at some point it becomes too late to avoid long term problems. Then she thinks its hard now to do the right thing with her eating habits, when its too late and she HAS to follow a restrictive diet or it can kill her once that happens. Then like you say... she spends every cent she makes... man the problems THAT raises I'm sure I don't even need to repeat. Wait until she gets a few credit cards and runs THOSE up to their limits as well. Man... seriously... take a long hard look at the situation you are in the middle of. Talk to your closest personal guy friend and get their perspective as well. What they say is "love is blind" is true... you probibly haven't even recognised half of the issues. I'm seeing plenty of reasons to move out and move on and very few if any to stay. And if you marry her bad spending habits become YOURS to pay. Keep that in mind. Personally I'd be running... I can understand why you have stayed this long... I've been in similar situations before. But I see lots of problems and very little benefit for staying. I'm likely to tick off some women there but seriously... a marriage should make you better together then you were apart... not worse. The lone case in 1+1=3 not 1+1=0.5 |
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