[winnie05]

I have 4 children and a stepson whoose father has behaved appallingly over the last year.
I threw him out in nov and we have decided to give it another go.my eldest daughter says its her or him and she won't talk to me ( 23 years old) my 21 year old daughter still speaks to me but has a similar forgiving nature to myself and my son (20 ) also, his son doesn't care either way.I love my daughter very much but she will not speak to me at all.
I understand my husband has hurt her mother and verbally hurt them and is now receiving the correct counselling.
At the moment I text her every day telling her how much I love her but get no reply.
I have told them all I am not rushing back into anything as he has to prove to me he can be trusted and normal!! Again

[Just Dahlia]

At this point you have already made your decision and she might get over it. It's hard to tell depending on what occurred between the two of them and how serious it was.

If I was the daughter and not living at home, but was still verbally assaulted, I would not come back when he was around, but still try to support you a little to see if he could change. If it was worse than that and the abuse was something different and you took him back. I would cut ties.

[Gemini54]

Look, it's your relationship with your husband, and it's your choice to take him back. In the end your daughter is nearly an adult and she will have to accept that although you love her, at this point, your relationship with your husband (and repairing it) takes precedence, regardless of what may happen in the future.

Keep assuring your daughter that you love her (and don't take her non-response personally) - but don't allow yourself to be manipulated by her demands. You are married and it should be your choice whether you stay in this relationship, not hers.

On the other hand, your husband needs to understand the damage he is causing with his abuse and make amends for his behavior. Hopefully, counselling will assist him to do this!

[winnie05]

Thank you for your replies, it was verbal abuse towards my daughter however they have all seen us argue etc and he has said he will get help loads of times before. Still confused

[Gemini54]

thankyou for your replies, it was verbal abuse towards my daughter however they have all seen us argue etc and he has said he will get help loads of times before. still confused

It sounds as if you both need help - it takes 2 people to argue!

You need to decide what you want to do and stick to it - perhaps if your children can see that you are both working on bettering your relationship they will not be so critical.

I'm sure your daughter only wants the best for you.

[Fr_Chuck]

If both of you are in counseling and will go to counseling for months before you move back in together to be sure it is working, great,

If this is just another "I'll go to couseling" then no it should not happen.

Fixing issues and problems take time and work and effort.

And in the end, it is you and your husand growing old together if it works, kids will be glad, mad, move and so on many times over the years.

At the end of the day , tell the kids first it is none of their business what you do with your personal life ( assuming they don't still live at home as minor children)
Tell them that you love them, even when they were wrong and made mistakes though the years, and you have to follow your heart sometimes also.

[jmjoseph]

I sure hope that his good qualities outweigh the bad ones. He has a lot of making up to do. With you and your kids.

He is the one that has to make it up to your daughter. That responsibility should not fall on you.

He was hateful to your kids. For that, he should be ashamed, and should be willing to do whatever it takes to make things right.

You said that he "acted appallingly". Did he beat you?

Even if you have to maintain a relationship with your daughter when he is not around, you need to keep the love lines flowing.

She is your blood.

I would not allow anyone the opportunity to place a wedge between me and my children. At any age.

You should see to it that he does whatever it takes to get better, and to make amends. If not, out you go mister!

This is a bad situation for you to be in, and I feel for you.

Good luck.