[brian1231]

Reality seldom makes sense when it throws us curve balls.

Fact is, things are going to change, and after a year your not ready, and she wants to know whats next. NORMAL, but the conflict is your seeing thing differently, or so it seems.

What the hell does that mean to a couple that has been dating for a year, and sleeping together. That sounds serious to me.

Seems you both are saying the same thing, and not knowing what you both mean.

Its inevitable, thats why she is crying as this signals the death of a relationship, and the shock, and grieving has begun.

This is not strange when you consider your both(?) unwilling to do what it takes, to keep this thing alive, in view of a changing reality.

Your supposed to be numb, and she is supposed to be crying. But it wasn't a waste of time though, you had your fun and now it seems over.

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

Hey Tal, thanks for the great response as always. By serious, I mean to really start thinking about our possible future together. For instance, when she is done with school maybe she stays in the area for a year while we figure our future and possibly move from there. Or maybe we take the next step and start discussing things now.

Not sure what you mean when you say:

Fact is, things are going to change, and after a year your not ready, and she wants to know what's next.


Really, it is her who is not ready.

[brian1231]

i have to ask,do you not think this was all abit sudden?

this wanting to settle down?

whats the big hurry?

being serious could be dating just each other,being true to each other and looking out for each other.

i do think perhaps your reaction was a little hasty,but whats done is done.

move on with your life,go no contact.

im sorry about your grandmother,im sure its a very hard time in your life,however in saying that you said 'now this happens'..you did this,broke up..

time to live with your decision,and move on.

Thanks again with the response.

By serious, all I wanted to get at was the possibility of a future together and start planning for that possibility. To me, it seems like common sense in most relationships to be thinking about the possibility.

[redhed35]

I suppose if you don't want the same things,its time to move on.

Her reaction,is what is confusing me.

Anyway,does not matter now.

Again,I suggest going no contact,and moving on with your life.

[tasha1675]

Sorry to hear your story Brian1231. I guess you both just want different things at the moment and for that reason you need to move on. It's sad when relationships end, particularly when the love is still present. I'm going through a similar break up - my ex said he loved me but wasn't ready to settle down and he knew I was. I said I was happy to continue dating as long as we could talk about marriage, kids happening one day but he couldn't see it happening. All I can say is try to move on with your life - that's what I am slowly doing, hard as it is :)

[brian1231]

i suppose if you dont want the same things,its time to move on.

her reaction,is what is confusing me.

anyway,does not matter now.

again,i suggest going no contact,and moving on with your life.

Thanks. I am going to try to keep things simple in my life and move on. It is helpful for me to talk about these things. I've had 3 other serious gfs (which all lasted at least 1.5 years) and one where I was even engaged. While the shock and pain is there, being in this situation before is helping me cope.

In many ways, I can identify where she is coming from. When I finished school, "adult things" scared me too. Life is coming anyway, you have to face it.

Yes, her reaction scares me too. I didn't notice her acting any differently to me the last couple of weeks, and nothing triggered this. I am not sure.

[talaniman]

By serious, I mean to really start thinking about our possible future together. For instance, when she is done with school maybe she stays in the area for a year while we figure our future and possibly move from there. Or maybe we take the next step and start discussing things now.

Is that the way you presented it, for her to hang around, and discuss the future?

Not sure what you mean when you say:
Fact is, things are going to change, and after a year your not ready, and she wants to know whats next.
Really, it is her who is not ready.

She is seeing a time where she may have to move for her career. That's what I mean't, but you want her to stay around, and discuss the future, see the conflict between what you both may want to happen?

What keeps couples together is the willingness to work together no matter what fears you have, or what life throws at you.

You both seem more willing to walk away, than work with each other. It happens, when partners have different priorities, and goals.

[brian1231]

Is that the way you presented it, for her to hang around, and discuss the future?

She is seeing a time where she may have to move for her career. Thats what I mean't, but you want her to stay around and discuss the future, see the conflict between what you both may want to happen?

What keeps couples together is the willingness to work together no matter what fears you have, or what life throws at you.

You both seem more willing to walk away than work with each other. It happens when partners have different priorities, and goals.

Thanks again for the response.

The way I presented it was that I would like to see how things go and work together to form "our" future. I wanted to look at things and start think of ourselves and our decisions as us as a couple and not us individually.

I would like to work together, but also am fearful of waiting around until the summer to see what happens with her and the her career if she doesn't want to talk about things now and work through them.



I think a lot of this is stemming from the fact that we've never had any kind of fight and didn't know how to work through things. Both of us were kind of confused. I still am. Why was she so upset? Just the other day, she was all excited about graduation and asked me to reserve her graduation date on my calendar.

[talaniman]

Thanks again for the response.

The way I presented it was that I would like to see how things go and work together to form "our" future. I wanted to look at things and start think of ourselves and our decisions as us as a couple and not us individually.

But the individual hopes and dreams of partners is so important, especially to her, and as she embarks on the greatest challenge of her life, do you feel threatened or something that she is getting into a bigger world without you? Are you afraid of her challenge, or options and opportunities life will present to her as she learns and grows?

I would like to work together, but also am fearful of waiting around until the summer to see what happens with her and the her career if she doesn't want to talk about things now and work through them.

That's a false fear as the risk of keeping honest lines of communications open is far outweighed by the benefits of continuing to work together while you both grow as individuals.

I think a lot of this is stemming from the fact that we've never had any kind of fight and didn't know how to work through things. Both of us were kind of confused. I still am. Why was she so upset?

You have a conflict now with expectations. How was it handled? By breaking up! Where was the honest communications? Do you think her knowing of your fear of losing her was an issue, would the outcome have changed, or would you have talked about it, addressed it, and found a solution to the problem, that worked for you both, this break up would have still occurred?

Just the other day, she was all excited about graduation and asked me to reserve her graduation date on my calendar.

And where is that now? You don't know do you? She has to be hurt and disappointed. I would cry to if my partner wasn't as happy as I was, for the biggest event of my adult life. That's a good thing to share.

[brian1231]

Thanks so much again for the response, you are amazing.

But the individual hopes and dreams of partners is so important, especially to her, and as she embarks on the greatest challenge of her life, do you feel threatened or something that she is getting into a bigger world without you? Are you afraid of her challenge, or options and opportunities life will present to her as she learns and grows??

I am not at all afraid of what she is facing. In fact, I would love to experience new things with her.

Thats a false fear as the risk of keeping honest lines of communications open is far outweighed by the benefits of continuing to work together while you both grow as individuals.

Perhaps it is a false fear. My main goal of the talk was to know that we were on the same page future-wise. I know that it may sound silly, but I just wanted to know if she was thinking about it like I had been.

You have a conflict now with expectations. How was it handled? By breaking up!! Where was the honest communications? Do you think her knowing of your fear of losing her was an issue, would the outcome have changed, or would you have talked about it, addressed it, and found a solution to the problem, that worked for you both, this break up would have still occurred?

To me, any conflict we could have reasonably worked through is something I would have done. However, I am not sure how you can work through things when one person says they are not ready for a serious relationship. Especially have a year of dating.

And where is that now? You don't know do you? She has to be hurt and disappointed. I would cry to if my partner wasn't as happy as I was, for the biggest event of my adult life. Thats a good thing to share.

I was excited over her graduation. I always told her how proud I was of her and how proud of herself she should be.


She told me that it was up to me to contact her if I wanted to stay in touch with her or still talk or what not. For now, I am going to go NC while I figure this all out. In fairness to her, I was the one that pushed for the bu, not her.

Right or not, at the time; my biggest fear was wasiting 6-7 months while she figured out what she wanted to do with her life. I didn't think it was fair for me to put my life on hold while she figured hers out and if I was a part of it. If we had agreed that'd we'd be thinking about a possible future with one another, then I would have no problem helping her and giving her time to figure out anything.

[talaniman]

Ever think that her idea of serious relationship could be different than hers? Instead of exploring that through honest communications, you walked away. That cut of communications you think? You cannot have clarity, and understanding without communications. How else would you know that it would have been a waste of time without those key facts?

[brian1231]

Ever think that her idea of serious relationship could be different than hers? Instead of exploring that thru honest communications, you walked away. That cut of communications you think? You cannot have clarity, and understanding without communications. How else would you know that it would have been a waste of time without those key facts?

I think I did act rash by ending communication. I kind of regret that now. I think I will give it a few days and maybe call her if it is right then.

I think the talk we had SHOULD have been something to open the door for further communication, and not close it.

[inertia]

I can see where both of you are coming from. Pretty tough spot. You seem to be trying to ask her whether she would truly take a job that takes her away from you. I think you are looking for her to say something like "no matter what happens, I want you in my life". It probably sounds to her like "promise me you will make this relationship your first priority." Or something along these lines. Something I had to learn the hard way, was to take things one day at a time.

Proposing marriage is when you are asking someone to actually consider that promise. Proposing a proposition is kind of a wimpy way of saying "look, I don't know if I want to marry you (or maybe I'm afraid to ask), so promise me you have know intention on breaking up with me for a while.

I used to do this crap to my last GF. Except I did it differently. When she thought about going to grad school, she wanted me to look for jobs in the area of the colleges she was looking at. I said I wouldn't move somewhere else just for someone I dated. The truth is, I loved her enough to propose and I certainly wanted to, but something just didn't feel right about it. So instead, I just kept "making sure" she wanted to get married, while I tried to figure out what was keeping me from doing so. It actually took me a long time after the breakup to see that I was doing this. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I justified these fears by her actions after she got frustrated enough with me. I still do.

My point is, the only thing you are really asking of her (IMHO) is whether SHE will give up certain options in her future for you.

[brian1231]

Threads merged


Hi all,

I got back with the girl I broke up with for a few days in January, and we have gotten closer since then. Things have been going well, but both of us have been busy with school but still make time to see each other several times a week. (We are both going to grad school, and are both in our mid 20's)

I really care for this girl, and would like to be with her for a long time, I am not talking marriage YET, but would like ton continue on with the course of things. However, she is still looking at most likely moving to find a job in a few months once she graduates, which would obviously put a damper on our relationship.

I am torn how to proceed with her. Half of me wants to spend more time with her and get closer to her, the other half of me doesn't want to waste anymore time in a relationship which will most likely go nowhere (if she moves)

Like tonight for instance, some of my buddies want me to come out with them and go girl hunting. I'd much rather grab dinner and a drink with this girl, but I feel like I might be missing an opportunity to go out and meet someone who will actually be sticking around. I've been in relationships in the past where the girl moved, or I held onto things for too long and I just wasted a lot of time.

I guess the right thing to do is to talk to her and let her know precisely how I feel. I feel like I've done that before, but her essential stance is that she has to do what is right for her (which I agree with). I am also a bit confused by her actions. Each of us have been in several serious relationships before, and both agree that this one is very good. The only fight of any kind we've had in ~17 months of dating is over her job situation and where she will be.

Thanks all

[talaniman]

No matter the risks of being hurt, disappointed, or rejected, you can't half step with another human being. Either your all in, or all out.

That's just to be fair, but also in fairness to yourself, don't put all your eggs in one basket yet as you have no commitment she will do the same, but staying within the bounds of good behavior is highly recommended, as you can run with the boys hunting for girls when, and if you become "single" again.

That you both have agreed to continue to explore this relationship together and see what happens, honor it, as you expect her too, otherwise what's the point? You may have well just been friends, right, and been free to do as you want.

Know one knows what the future holds, and if you're afraid to face it, then crawl under your bed, and stay out of a relationship.

[brian1231]

Tal > Thanks for the response. You really are the best. I wasn't going out to see how many girls I could get with by any means, but is more of an attempt to see what else is out there. I guess I just don't want to spend the next 3-4 months just worrying if she will be moving.


Like I said, I am torn if I should try to get closer to this girl, or just move on.

[talaniman]

Don't you think she feels the same way? Of course she does!

Why be distracted by endless worry, when you can be enjoying it, and see what happens. What the freak did you get back together for, if not to continue to love, support, and see what happens next?

Look I can understand your concerns, but be mature about it. Have you talked about a long distance relationship? What will happen if she does go to school?

Instead of worrying, talk, and listen to each other. Share those feelings, and understand hers. Maybe this will break you up, so what? Coping with the realities of life on an adult level, is what its about. Deal with what you have now, as you can always make time to see what's out there, later.

Keep in mind you were already broken up, but went back together knowing what was coming. Why did you both do that?? This is no time for hidden agendas, so be honest with yourself here!!!

[jmw0713]

You are either in this 100% or you're not.

You can't have it both ways. You need to think about what you want in a relationship and see if she is giving it to you. If she is dead set on moving away, then you have to weigh that against your needs.

If you both really want this to work, have you thought about moving with her?

[brian1231]

Thanks for the responses all. We've been talking a lot over the last month. We've been spending a lot of time together and have been getting closer. She's pretty much made up her mind that she is going to move, but would like to continue to see me.

The last 2 days she has had nothing to do but apply for jobs. She has said that she hasn't applied for any because she is having a hard time taking that first step to leaving me. We talked about it a lot last night and she cried and I can tell it has been bothering her a lot lately.

She says the main reason she wants to leave is because she will regret it if she doesn't. She feels she needs to prove it to herself that she can go somewhere new, and experience something new.


I am still torn right now. Half of me just wants to end it with her. I feel like if she really did love me and was ready for a serious relationship, she would stay. I've offered to compromise with her (Stay in the area a bit longer and then move together), but she does not seem very receptive to that.

The other half of me feels like we are very good together and maybe this is her last wild oat she needs to sew and things will work out.

Thanks all.

[jmw0713]

The choice is yours, but relationships that turn into long distance relationships are VERY hard to maintain.

Good luck.

[talaniman]

I think you let her go, and let her deal with what she has to on her own terms. She knows she can't maintain a relationship with you and focus on what's ahead, and she may be right and re reading your posts, its time to let go on good terms and you both find out what's ahead for you as individuals.

I think reality is making this choice for you, and its time for a very clean break, and some healing, before you can both grow, and meet the next big challenge,