[yesnomaybeso]

Multiple threads merged. Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread so that we can follow your story and give you appropriate advice.

Hi, nice forum here and I have a question. Maybe I could get some insightful responses.

I've known this girl for a while although we never really talked much. We have similar interests and see each other around here and there. Its long distance. She broke up with her ex boyfriend about 10 months ago. She said it was an unhealthy relationship and assured me she does not want to get back into that rut again.

We started talking about 3 months ago and after about a month we decided we'd like to see each other. After about another month we decided we should be bf/gf and start seeing each other regularly. Everything was going very smooth. Lots of attraction, communication and chemistry. About 3 weeks ago she called me up and suggested that we take a break from each other without any real reason. She said she wasn't sure why she feels this way and put blame on her commitment issues and wanted me to help her figure out why she is feeling like this. I was just shocked and confused and was unsure what to say, so I said, OK, lets take a break. I told her she call and talk to me whenever she wants and that was that.

Over the course of the next few weeks we've been giving each other space with random texts and IMs, etc. Just a few days after the call she got sick. Headache, sore throat, etc. and stayed home from work for several days. I was chatting with her yesterday about whatever and decided to ask her if we would be able to see each other again and she said, "I'm sure." I told her I liked that, I know she's busy with a lot of different things, so it's no rush and that time is important. She agreed and she said it feels weird being alone. I told her she's not alone and that she has her family and friends up where she lives (about 1.5hrs north). She said it's not the same using my full name, like she use to when she was serious. I told her that it feels weird to me not being able to see her as often or talk to her as after as we were before. I didn't want to get too emotional online with her so I told her I had to go to the store (I actually had to).

What is she thinking exactly? I assume she just might afraid of what is happening with both of us and needs time to think... but how much time should she get? I truly believe we have a great connection. We've been good about taking turns to drive up/down and see each other and have made great efforts to communicate often. Is it possible she is feeling weird about the break thing now when she actually misses me and wants to see me? Why would she mention the whole 'it's weird being alone' thing?

Although there has been some distance between us, we still talk. She hasn't called me but she will message me online and ask how I am, etc.

[amicon]

When someone wants a break and space and/or are confused your best policy for your own sake is to go NC and leave them to it while you go do your own thing.
Let her figure out her own life and her own issues.
You're not there to fix her problems. You have your own life to lead.

[jaime90]

I've done a long distance relationship. He went across the entire country for the military and left me alone. We didn't talk much. And our relationship has survived- we're now engaged.
You were only a couple of months into a relationship when she started to feel weird (you have to realize that if a relationship is going to last it needs to be based on trust, commitment, communication, and true love that endures everything, not romantic feelings, similar interests or "good chemistry". These are good things, but you cannot base a relationship on them, or it will end up in ruins.
Instead of asking us what she means, and how she feels, why don't you ask her? Practice honesty, and communication which are essential to a healthy relationship.

[yesnomaybeso]

Something else I forgot to mention. After about a week I decided to call her and tell her that I've been thinking about her and made it clear that I was not there for her when she wanted my help deciding why she was feeling the way she was at the time of the break. I told her that since it came out of nowhere I had no idea what to think at the time but had time to think about it now. She seemed surprised that I had brought it back up and she said she assumed that was going to be it, because that's usually how it goes.

Earlier in the relationship (during the honeymoon phase) I wanted to be clear with her and told her, "ya know, this feeling is not going to last forever" sort of as a joke but also to be straight forward with her and yesterday I forwarded her to an article about the 5 stages of a relationship. I felt kind of stupid and foolish after sending that to her but I also felt that it was important we both understand how relationships work. This morning she sent me a txt saying, "I read the article :)".

Sometimes I feel like such an idiot about this stuff, especially for a guy, but I have been through enough failed relationships in my life (were both 27) and I think its about time I man up and try to figure things out.

[jaime90]

You're right that the in love feeling only lasts about 2 years, and then love becomes a CHOICE.

[artlady]

Sounds to me like she is keeping her options open

Maybe someone who is nearer to her will come along and you won't be in the picture at all.I think you're a plan B in case nothing else suits her fancy.

I would not get too wrapped up in this relationship as it would seem that she isn't.

I think you served your rebound purpose and now she is seeing clearer and does not see you and her long term.

Maybe the distance is too much for her to handle.Maybe your coming off as too needy and clingy.

Its all speculation but I would not get too wrapped up in this girl,I don't think the feelings are mutual.

[yesnomaybeso]

Maybe I should have have just rode the honeymoon stage out for a while longer... because this sucks. Oh well, it's what always happens to me. Still unsure what she is thinking but I keep thinking in time she'll come back. How could she not? We have the best time together. There is no way some other guy can give her what I can or can sex her the way I do... blah blah blah... false hope and so on.

[talaniman]

That last post makes you sound like a schmuck, so I will over look it.

From what you have posted, and given the distance, I think she backed this relationship up to a more manageable distance, and pace.

Its wise to not commit to a long distance relationship with a stranger, and that's what you both are. Two people who are learning each other.

Until the distance thing can be worked out better, stay friends, and keep the lines of communications open, and honest, but I would also have the understanding its just friends since you are not together.

While I think that's what she was trying to do, I think you both should have the complete freedom to do your individual things, without guilt.

But if your having sex together, that changes everything, and you will have to define what you consider to be good behavior, and what this relationship is all about. Use the phone more. Text buddies doesn't cut it, if sex is involved.

[yesnomaybeso]

Hey guys, I'll make this as short as I can. You can check my first thread and get more details on the relationship side of this if you want.

So. I was dating this girl for a short three months on a LDR. We were having the best time together. We would travel to see each other, have similar interests and the sex was amazing. We both fell for each other a little too fast. One day out of nowhere about three weeks ago she called me up and suggested we take a break. I was confused and didn't know why and either did she, or so she said. She was unsure of what she wanted but she felt we were moving to fast I told her I didn't think so because of the LD but agreed on the break (what else could I do without begging?) and so it went. We didn't talk for a few days before I gave in. From that point we would text here and there asking each other how we're doing, etc. I called her at one point to talk about it again and told her I have been thinking about it and was still unsure why she was feeling this way (she initially asked me to help her understand why she was feeling the way she is) and that would should continue to take it slow. She never really gave me a real reason behind it and our communication began to diminish. After many days she sends me a text on NY-day, saying, "happy 2010". I reply with "u2". That was yesterday. After reading much about this NC rule, I decided today that I was tired of waiting for her to make up her mind and removed her from myspace and Facebook and that's that. Later this evening she sent me a text, "Not friends anymore?" and I have not responded.

I fell for this girl really fast, faster than I ever have before and the feeling I get from her is magical. Ideally, I'd love to work with her and give her the time she desires to figure herself out or whatever but it kills me to wait and drives me nuts. I know everyone will encourage me and tell me I am doing the right thing and I appreciate that but at the same time I feel like a big for removing her and not responding as to why I did so. Maybe I didn't give her enough time to sort out her head and maybe she is still interested, then again, she never made any real attempt to communication and I started to believe it would never work out.

Should I respond or should I wait for her to get psycho on me? Haha.

[sabrewolfe]

Let her simmer. Good Luck.

[talaniman]

You have done the right thing, she wanted a break, now she has it. Do your own thing, dude.

By the way, no need to start a new thread to update your situation, feel free to come back to this one with input, questions, or just to vent.

[yesnomaybeso]

Thanks! You guys ever wounder if yer ex lady lovers are reading this shhhhh... it and picking you out?

[amicon]

No never occurred to me-I'm a she though. Don't overthink what your ex might or might not be doing-keep moving forward.

[talaniman]

We get more couple here than people realize.

[yesnomaybeso]

All right, so this morning I get another text from her. It reads, "You must be upset with me if you deleted me. Will you please tell me why?" and I have not responded. This is the start of day 2 with NC.

The truth is, I am a little bit upset with her at this point. She left me without reason and has failed to communicate with me at all. I mean, I thought we had something much stronger than that. From day one I have not been able to get her off my mind. She was a constant happy thought in the back of my head. As soon as she made her decision for a break she became a constant false hope thought in the back of my head. I just want to forget about her if I cannot have her. We're too far away from each other to remain internet friends and won't see each other enough outside of an intimate relationship in which we could be happy as friends anyway. I don't see any point in keeping in contact with her online if we cannot have each other. I don't want to keep thinking of her if I don't have to.

Should I respond? Should I keep waiting? And what is she thinking at this point?

Thanks.

[yesnomaybeso]

To add a bit more... I feel sort of upset about having to remove her. I've told her before that I've always remained friends with previous ex's but my previous ex's have always been girls that I see on a regular basis. Now she just sent me another text saying, "Well whatever I did that made you too upset to talk to me, I'm sorry, I really am."

To be honest with myself, I'll admit there is a part inside of me that did it to see if I could initiate some sort of response from here but I honestly didn't think I would get any.

I'm happy she cares now but I don't want her to care through text messages. I want a phone call. I want a reason why she decided to take a break but she has failed at all the opportunities I have given her to speak up and let me know.

[amicon]

No I don't think you should respond,nor keep waiting. You stick to the nc and stop worrying about what she's thinking, as only she knows.
As the days go by you'll heal from this and it won't matter what she thinks.

[yesnomaybeso]

Did I give up on her too early? Did I give her enough time on a break to get her thoughts straightened out? Did she even deserve the 3 weeks I gave her to figure things out before I deleted her without warning? Am I really doing the right thing here?

I know she is used to her ex constantly chasing her, begging and pleading for her to go back to him. I know she doesn't want him back at all though. On the other hand, she doesn't know what she wants either.

[talaniman]

You have disappeared from her life, and that's great, so why reappear, and let her even think you want to let her back?

Geeez guy, you made a decision, now stick to it, and don't play that friend zone, false hope crap with her because, even if she explained things you wouldn't understand, and still have a lot of questions.

You will get your answers after you have moved on, and have a clear mind, without all the emotions to cloud your poor lovesick, rejected, brain.

Trust me, I know first hand, from many experiences. Its always the same, and it always sucks.

[yesnomaybeso]

Thanks for the response and by the way, I really like your signature quotes.

If she appeared to stop caring about me 3 weeks ago, why is concerned that I have removed her from my life? I know I need to forget about her because it won't ever be the same anyway but it's hard and I am working on it. Thanks for all the help. When I dive into my next relationship, I'll be more prepared.