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    paigerwaiger94's Avatar
    paigerwaiger94 Posts: 87, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member
    		  
    #1

    Dec 29, 2009, 12:02 PM
    New poem
    My heart is cold as ice,
    Blood rests in my veins.
    This warmth here is so nice,
    Free of hurt and pain.
    Nothing and no one to care for,
    Not a worry in the world.
    Not loving anymore,
    Free of being twirled
    By the hurt that comes with love,
    Which no one can describe,
    But for no one else as much as me,
    Is such a wastefull dive.
    Some get hurt once,
    But for some it's not enough.
    So they go back again,
    And are not quite as tough.
    Go back for a second lovers try,
    But then they find the pain, and hurt, and tears,
    And then they want to die.
    Pergatory and Paradise.

    Please tell me what you think. -paige.
    jaime90's Avatar
    jaime90 Posts: 1,157, Reputation: 163
    Ultra Member
    		  
    #2

    Dec 29, 2009, 01:02 PM

    The beginning was okay, and then it felt like my nerves were being grated on, at the heartbreak part- the beginning and this part didn't seem to fit. It turned from poetic, to I just want to skim over this because it's not going anywhere. Your poem needs more progression. The middle didn't take the poem anywhere.
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