[Loss2009]

I've read some of the posts on here with interest and it's a very reassuring place to be. I'm here because I too have just taken 'an emotional hit' and wanted to re-tell my story of the 2nd half of this year. First a little background information, hopefully this isn't too long.

I met my ex-gf in Aug '07 when I had just turned 27 - I was in quite a lost part of my life and, although I was working in a regular job and renting in a house share I also felt I was struggling to push on with my life e.g. make new friends, get confidence, meet a girlfriend etc. We stumbled across each other drunk that night, had a very nice chat and ended up 'sleeping together' but not having sex so I guess a mutual respect was formed from the outset. I got her number the next morning and texted her, she agreed to meet and gave choice over hers, mine or neutral. Sensing my chances I chose hers and that set the tone for how things would become, e.g. me spending most of my time at her house. After a few months we made a bond and began to develop close feelings; saying we loved each other, meeting both sets of parents, spending days out etc. She was 38 and had been on her own, apart from a recent brief fling, for 3 years prior to meeting me and had been paying a mortgage on her house for 10 years, in which she lived with her 19 year old son (who didn't have a problem with me, even when he and his mum fell out and he had to move out that year!). She hadn't been married or had a proper mutual relationship before she told me and that the friendship that we had was something she'd never had before. Her previous relationships hadn't been great e.g. possessive blokes. I made compilation CDs for her and brought flowers. We had two great holidays in St Ives in June 08 then Crete in October 08 (the two moments that now haunt me the most!).

That's not to say the relationship didn't have it's flaws, but because generally it was happy times the issues were left alone e.g. we forgot about the age difference, managed the situation where I was a weekend dad with my own 4 year old son and I had a bit of a confidence issue and she sometimes struggled for self-esteem. Moving forward, my houseshare broke down in May of this year. She had never been very comfortable spending time in my house as my housemates were all in their mid/late twenties, same as me but despite feeling older she made the effort on occasion where I'd offer to cook for her for example. To be honest I'm not a very social person so struggled to integrate her in with the others, and in general, but we got by because we had each other and were happy and it worked quite well. She offered me to move into her house and I agreed because I was very fond of her and wanted to be with her but with a nagging doubt in my mind that we were both people who liked and probably needed their own space. We talked about this and agreed that communication was good, it didn't look like we would break up anytime soon and if it didn't work out at least then we'd know.

Moving forward a bit..

From the outset it was apparent she didn't like someone in her space, shopping, cooking etc and domestic routine became an issue, our routine and managing our gym, other activities became difficult, I found her very difficult to live, ditto on her part I'm sure (I can be quite insular and non-communicative but can express myself, she struggles to express her emotions amd talk about things). We struggled for any intimacy - I knew things weren't right and kept wanting to talk about it as I felt this was the way to get things right again, she withdrew as she didn't like to open up and talk about things, grew further apart, and after three months I had to move back out again ti a flat annexed off my parents house 8 miles away. It wasn't a nice experience but we left agreeing that we still loved each other but needed to take a step back before we could take another step forward. This was in Aug this year. Throughout September she made intermittent visits to my flat and I to hers, we'd meet less frequently and that was the last time we had sex.
October we agreed we'd been making each other unhappy, doubts that hadn't been an issue before were now and she suggested time apart to which I agreed. My intention was to try to get back to living nearby so we could pick things up again as before. For the first week or two she'd send me a text and I knew she was missing me, and offered me to meet her - to my absolute regret now I played it cool because I was scared of losing her. This upset her and the next time we met she said she didn't want a relationship, we both now had separate lives (he dad had also been diagnosed with prostate cancer that hadn't spread and was treatable) but didn't end things cleanly and said we'd both go away, do what we need to do e.g. she wanted me to get my confidence back etc. I went away, started going to the gym, and clearly wary of what I was about to lose tried to up the tactics e.g. sending thoughtful emails but without being needy or pestering her. It came to a point that she was from time to time ask me around for a cup of tea on a Sunday, or offer to meet for some Christmas shopping once but I wouldn't hear much from her. Kisses were being dropped from texts and replaced with smiley faces, this hurt me a bit and people would say it sounds like she's fond of you, really values you as a friend but doesn't want a relationship.

I texted her a week ago last Friday saying I missed her and she revealed she was missing me too, but that it was natural and that she was very confused about 'us' in inverted commas but that she'd talk to me about it when she saw me.

To bring this to a close, to find out where I stood one way or another I went around with a compilation CD, flowers and just told her I was missing her. She wasn't impressed (to be fair it was a bad time as she was hungover!) and just said she 'doesn't know', on pushing further she broke it off saying that the sexual side of things had gone, (of course it had!) she hadn't really missed me recently, and she wanted someone with a bit of confidence who will tell her what to do. There were underlying issues and her priorities were her family. She said that she still loved me, I was her best friend and wanted to meet up from time to time, cook, go for walks but just as friends. I was quite cut up (sometimes the obvious stares you in the face but you just don't want to see it) Asked how she felt about me having a GF and she said this was OK and that I'd find someone, but slightly unconvincingly. I amended my FB status to single the next morning and dropped her key through her letterbox the following day. Received a further text 3 days later saying thanks and that she hoped I was OK and a circular one on Christmas day that she must have sent to half a dozen others (a pic of a tree etc and proclaiming friends etc) that I didn't respond to as was feeling like .

Anyway I just needed to re-tell my story and leave it open to comment as I'm just very disappointed things didn't work out and I do miss both her and the better parts of the relationship. It's always a shock even when things have been rocky for a while. Advice has ranged from NC (friends, mother), friends is an option or friends will be hard etc, my brother in law said if you want her back let communication go quiet, give it a week then wish her Happy New Year & it's good to let people know you're thinking of them. The usual questions have been going through my mind about friends, etc. Any comments, support or advice would be supportive. Sorry it's so long and thanks for reading.

[J. Sparks]

Sounds like you've lost control of the relationship, buddy.
And you started to weaken 6 months in...
The man should always be in control. You can't take a break and get lazy. EVER.

She needs to feel your strength and confidence always.

Learn how to balance a book on your head everyday.
Because that's what it's like to keep a relationship.

It's better when you don't care. They can't stand it.
Take a few months NC and see what happens.
Completely NC for at least 3-4 months.

Anyway, thanks for sharing. I'm sure everyone enjoys these stories and just replaces all the people with people they know and empathize with you. There's a lot to be learn't from such and a lot of confirmation.

Jay

[Starry nights]

I don't think any relationship should be about having to feel like balancing a book on your head.Neither from a man's point of view,nor from a woman's.But,yes,a relationship surely means hard work by both partners every moment and every day.A relationship means sometimes having to let go,at other times having to hold on tight.At times there will be great times,at times dreadful.And through the entire course of it,if two people stick it out together,that's when a relationship really succeeds.

In this case I feel that both of you don't feel you have it in you anymore to be together.Seems like you would much rather be apart than together.At least that's what it feels like from your partner's behaviour and actions.

My suggestion is,no matter how painful to you now,its better you move on since your partner most obviously doesn't want to work with you on this.Think of it like this-you gave it your best shot and that's as much as you can do.Right now,you need to go NC determinedly and take care of yourself.

[amicon]

I agree Nc is the way to go now. You need to heal from the failed relationship and start enjoying your life again.
Some relationships aren't meant to last and this sounds like one of them.
Read the stickies at the top of the relationship page-lots of good advice there.

[Loss2009]

I agree that I lost control of the relationship but she was quite a chaotic person so it was difficult. I think that she's probably come to realise that the friendship foundation bond you can build can be formed elsewhere but with the intimacy & sexual side of things - but why was she 'worried' that I won't stay friends with her? Just to do with guilt or her own negative feelings about the fact that things didn't work out or that she was the one who pulled the cord? She mentioned she felt a failure, depressed etc.


Ok, It's been just over a week now of NC and I'm feeling stronger and more in control of myself so that's something. I won't have a problem sticking to no contact, and although I'm not holding out any hope, should an unexpected email or text appear is it simply a case of ignore? What if I'm at a stage where I've come to terms with things and comfortable that things have ended and that I'm moving on? I guess this won't be at least for a few months is what you'll say.

I will start a detox and get back into my sports in the new year; my own thoughts on this is that I'll look back and realise it wasn't quite as nice a relationship as I thought at the time

[amicon]

We can only guess at her feelings,but it's good you're moving forward. Don't reply to any communication,NC means no contact whatsoever.

[Loss2009]

Hi. I'm back as I've noticed that I have been deleted from both the FB profiles of her and her son! Again, like Amicon says, I can only guess at her feelings.

One thing nagging me is that after she texted 3 days afterwards 'Hi, thanks for dropping key back. Hope your OK?x' to which I responded along the lines of 'Getting there, aching a bit from lifting and driving. It's been a busy few weeks. Are you ready for the big day (Xmas) x' to which she said 'Glad you're getting there only a few days to go now. I've still got plenty to do this pm and tomorrow am x'.To which I made no further response.

This was our last text exchange, and yes, I know I'm thinking about this way too much, and now that we've broken up why does it matter?

What followed was a circular on Xmas day which depicted a Christmas Tree and said 'Send this to 3 (or was it 5) people who you care for and then if they send it back it means they care for you. You should know that I am here for you whenever you need someone as a great friend of yours etc etc Merry Christmas have a fab day' etc etc

To which I didn't respond.

Yes, I was upset and yes I still care for her and yes it was a kick in the nuts when she said she didn't want it anymore. The question is this; should I have sent a text telling her that it was better for No contact, for now, until I had gotten used to the changes and moved on etc? As things have happened I've just switched off completely, and changed my FB status to single the morning after as I was so upset.

Any comments welcome.

[amicon]

You should send nothing and stick to total NC. It will easier.

[Loss2009]

I also forgot to mention that presents were bought by me to her, prior to breaking up, and then from her to me. There were also a couple of cards from her family to me in her house that last time we spoke and we left it that we were possibly going to meet perhaps Xmas eve or between Xmas and New Year for a walk. I know I caught her on a bad day when we spoke too as I just needed an answer.

I'm now thinking, without wanting to reopen the can of worms whether I've been too harsh and selfish here.

[amicon]

Sorry Loss that would also be breaking NC .

[Loss2009]

Ok, look, fair enough. I won't contact.

In my experience, the benefits of no contact is to let the emotional wounds re-set. But by this time you've moved on anyway and don't really have anything in common with your ex-partner, both circumstances or personality. I guess it's different in different situations but does this mean that it is a complete myth that people can stay friends after breaking up if they care for one another? Or is the very fact they care for one another the reason they have to stick to NC and lose touch completely?

[amicon]

You go NC to heal. I'm not going to say it's a complete myth but fairly rare to find you can be friends after some time -usually the two involved will be on different pages in life afterwards. Personally I've stayed in touch with only two-one as the split was very amicable The other one not by choice but because he is the father of my son. So.

[talaniman]

When you have both healed and gotten your lives together without each other, then anything is possible. Trying to be friends before then, is forcing something that doesn't fit.

[Loss2009]

Happy New Year to all those on Ask Me Helpdesk

Well herewith a quick update since my original post on Dec 28.
In the end I didn't need to contact because I received a text on NYE saying Happy New Year and she hoped I was OK and had had a nice Xmas?

I'm sorry I broke NC just to send a reply 'Quiet Family Xmas, all good. Happy New Year x'

The settled down back to NC and my suffering.

Oddly whilst things were beginning to feel extremely lonely today (sunday) I received a further text saying 'Hi, hope things are OK? I know I said I would leave it with you but I just wanted to reiterate I'd like to still meet up if you would still like to too. Thankfully things back to normal tomorrow x'

So, again, I'm sorry I broke NC again on the advice of my friend (who suggested that to ignore her would be to suggest I was cut up, and may make future communications awkward) to reply with 'Hiya. Things are good thanks although tired after the 10k run this morning. The river was completely frozen. Hope the rest has done your good. Meet up's a nice idea but maybe leave for a couple of weeks? x'
That gives me the choice of meeting up if I want to, and gives me control back should I not feel like it.

For the record the text back was 'ok :-) rest up and take it easy. See you soon x'

Anyway I'm not sure whether I'm looking for any particular advice here, just to post an update. From a personal viewpoint it does seem to actually help that communication is still there, but I will certainly not be initiating ANY form of contact over the next few weeks.

[Loss2009]

Hi - well things have moved on a little, not a lot, so I thought I'd drop this post and leave it open for people to comment on

Thought it might help me to do a small post break up chronology of events. I think, although I broke no contact a couple of times I've done OK


Post Break Up

- 23 Dec I drop her key through her letterbox whilst she is at work
- 24 Dec she texts me asking if I'm OK and thanks for dropping the key. I reply politely saying I'm OK, getting there with the new flat etc, been a busy time blah blah and ask if she's set for xmas, she responds but I leave it at that
- 25 Dec She texts a 'circular' text proclaiming friends and happy xmas that probably a number of others got too. We don't exchange cards or presents and there's no walk between xmas and new year
- 31 Dec Texts happy new year, I respond with single text wishing the same
- 3 Jan 'reiterates' that she would like to meet up if I still do too in long text. I reply that it sounds like a nice enough idea but that I should give it a few weeks. She agrees
- A further few weeks I begin to think she may think I'm ignoring her so email her asking how things are, got a reply saying she was trying to get back to 'normality' and things had been chaotic and problems in her family. She wants to 'catch up'. I leave it a week then suggest a meet in a local pub one eve the following week
- Late Jan/Early Feb, on the morning of proposed meet I pull plug citing issues at work. She's OK with this and suggests doing it when things calmer
- Late Feb I break no contact again in an email to wish her happy birthday (no card or pres), just update her on a few bits and pieces going on in my life, she responds politely, friendly etc, then when I respond again she emails rather large email full of some of the recent issues with her son, dad etc. She does ask some questions of me asking how things are
- I've yet to respond to this and have deleted all emails from her off my computer. This was 3 weeks ago today.

I'm aware I'm at risk here of over analysing and this is just prolonging things for me but I realised I may have to drop back in here for help from time to time back along when I first posted. It's been three months and I'm mainly OK so long as I keep busy but I still have moments and sometimes I wonder whether I'm doing the right thing cutting her out of my life completely, I mean, it feels savage! Plus I seem to be walking around without a huge chunk of me in a very confused state sometimes too - limping along like on autopilot in some unhappy cloud having lost something important

With reference to a 'No Contact' post I saw on here I guess I began life in the 3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging) - then have followed that up with some potentially damaging further contact, although it could have been a lot worse I suppose I haven't begged or stalked I've kept well away. Since 3 weeks ago then I guess I've been on 2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth. To a certain extent I've given up hope because the hope was driving me insane. She doesn't contact me anymore other than the initial 'shock texts' or 'guilt texts' or whatever they were around xmas and new year. It's strange though I did drive through the neighbourhood she lives today (on work) and it brings it all back! Very strange

I guess I'd just like people's thoughts on the above and the potential consequences of any further contact e.g. whether I should send a final email as in 3) You tell your ex that you won’t be contacting them and that they shouldn’t contact you.

I have also been getting very angry recently and feel like sending her a calculated but constructive ' Slap' email in response to her last simply saying I'm not interested in her problems anymore. Is this advisable or would she see even this kind of contact as a sign that she could still call on me if she needed?

Another interesting development is I have began seeing a nice girl for the last 3-4 weeks and this has helped me with moving on so in a way anyone reading this is probably thinking why am I back here needing more support! You can't help but wonder though, I couldn't possibly say whether she has thought about reconciliation (I dread to think, she may well not have given it a second thought or thought about me a fraction of what I have of her) as I haven't spoken to her since xmas but I've kind of assumed she isn't interested as she doesn't contact me or even whether it's something I would consider (although it was something I wanted immediately after breaking up)

Thinking out loud really! :confused:
Any comments welcome. Thanks for reading.

[talaniman]

Keep healing, without her in your life. As to the new girl, use people to help you feel better is not fair, unless you confide your reasons to them.

[amicon]

No more contact,as in no more texts or emails.

Heal and move on.

Don't do a rebound relationship,that's not fair on the rebound.

Date and get to know more people,but until you are properly over the ex,you are not ready for a new relationship.

[Loss2009]

Thanks for all your comments

It's been four months.

I'm still having issues with what happened over Christmas and feel I'm falling depression. I'm struggling to get up in the morning for work, I drink a lot, I feel extremely sad on a regular basis about going from contact to near complete no contact. I feel directionless, lost, unhappy and isolated. I'm not meeting new people and the relationship with the rebound is not going anywhere. Nor do I particularly want it to as I'm finding I'm not interested in much at all anymore. I'm losing track of time, feel like I've lost my place in time and the last four months have felt like 4 years. Apart from not begging initially to take me back and denying myself any significant contact I don't think I've done a very good at moving on at all. The support networks I drew from heavily in the immediate aftermath (family, good friends) are beginning to get fed up with things as it's been so long as they feel I 'should' have moved on by now.

2 things to point out; 1. I do not blame my ex for my current state, I feel these issues are about me - I have had depression in the past; and 2. I will not/will never visit a doctor about this because they only prescribe anti-depressants and sign you off work where this will play against you in future job applications or things like that.

I'm trying to work out the level that the relationship breakup has affected all this - obviously it has been the trigger for it. My ex has just moved on herself but did email me out of the blue about 3 weeks ago, just some friendly tittle-tattle as below:-

" Hiya

Hope all is well with you and you’re looking forward to the Easter Break?

Thought I’d email you now whilst it’s quiet, it will be another manic day tomorrow as everyone will want to move into their new homes tomorrow! Also having to leave early tomorrow afternoon as I have a lovely appointment with the Dentist, such nice way to start a long weekend eh?

Thought you’d like to know that I did have a look on the Marathon website and checked out your time, not bad at all. So all geared up for the next now are we? :o)

Hope you’ve got lots of lovely stuff lined up, hopefully the weather will stay dry for some of it. sister and husband down. He's kindly re-doing my bathroom due to another leak, which currently means I have no sink and the toilet is free standing….oh joy!!!

Anyway have a lovely Easter break.

Take care "

Nothing to it eh? It was sent three weeks ago and I ignored it. Just like I ignored the one before it. I should have no real reason to ignore it have I? It's been four months and I don't really want to get back with her. I feel sad that I ignored it, even if people tell me it's for the best that we lost contact. I feel it's sad that she emails me with this stuff, and I feel sad that such an innocuous email causes me so many more issues like I'm posting on here today. I feel sad that things worked out the way they did and I can't move on. Some people say be mature and put a short response to acknowledge her, some people say do what you want, drop contact as she doesn't care about you. Truth is it's up to me but for four months now I haven't known what to do, so I do nothing, but then I wonder about things.

I play football, I've tried one or two new things but I'm going around in circles and just filling time to distract me from what happened. It was effective immediately afterwards but now I'm becoming aware of the fact that things are standing still!

[amicon]

It does sound as if you are depressed,I would suggest you do see a doctor,even if you're put on medication,that wouldn't necessarily mean you would have to take sickleave.

You would most likely benefit from seeing a therapist and talk through your issues.

As for your drinking,that s selfmedicating your depression and will only increase the same.

There are people who will help and support you at your local AA,I suggest you pay them a visit.

[talaniman]

2 things to point out; 1. I do not blame my ex for my current state, I feel these issues are about me - I have had depression in the past; and 2. I will not/will never visit a doctor about this because they only prescribe anti-depressants and sign you off work where this will play against you in future job applications or things like that.

Totally absurd thinking!