2009 - Relationship peaked in 1st Half then ended in 2nd half
I've read some of the posts on here with interest and it's a very reassuring place to be. I'm here because I too have just taken 'an emotional hit' and wanted to re-tell my story of the 2nd half of this year. First a little background information, hopefully this isn't too long.
I met my ex-gf in Aug '07 when I had just turned 27 - I was in quite a lost part of my life and, although I was working in a regular job and renting in a house share I also felt I was struggling to push on with my life e.g. make new friends, get confidence, meet a girlfriend etc. We stumbled across each other drunk that night, had a very nice chat and ended up 'sleeping together' but not having sex so I guess a mutual respect was formed from the outset. I got her number the next morning and texted her, she agreed to meet and gave choice over hers, mine or neutral. Sensing my chances I chose hers and that set the tone for how things would become, e.g. me spending most of my time at her house. After a few months we made a bond and began to develop close feelings; saying we loved each other, meeting both sets of parents, spending days out etc. She was 38 and had been on her own, apart from a recent brief fling, for 3 years prior to meeting me and had been paying a mortgage on her house for 10 years, in which she lived with her 19 year old son (who didn't have a problem with me, even when he and his mum fell out and he had to move out that year!). She hadn't been married or had a proper mutual relationship before she told me and that the friendship that we had was something she'd never had before. Her previous relationships hadn't been great e.g. possessive blokes. I made compilation CDs for her and brought flowers. We had two great holidays in St Ives in June 08 then Crete in October 08 (the two moments that now haunt me the most!).
That's not to say the relationship didn't have it's flaws, but because generally it was happy times the issues were left alone e.g. we forgot about the age difference, managed the situation where I was a weekend dad with my own 4 year old son and I had a bit of a confidence issue and she sometimes struggled for self-esteem. Moving forward, my houseshare broke down in May of this year. She had never been very comfortable spending time in my house as my housemates were all in their mid/late twenties, same as me but despite feeling older she made the effort on occasion where I'd offer to cook for her for example. To be honest I'm not a very social person so struggled to integrate her in with the others, and in general, but we got by because we had each other and were happy and it worked quite well. She offered me to move into her house and I agreed because I was very fond of her and wanted to be with her but with a nagging doubt in my mind that we were both people who liked and probably needed their own space. We talked about this and agreed that communication was good, it didn't look like we would break up anytime soon and if it didn't work out at least then we'd know.
Moving forward a bit..
From the outset it was apparent she didn't like someone in her space, shopping, cooking etc and domestic routine became an issue, our routine and managing our gym, other activities became difficult, I found her very difficult to live, ditto on her part I'm sure (I can be quite insular and non-communicative but can express myself, she struggles to express her emotions amd talk about things). We struggled for any intimacy - I knew things weren't right and kept wanting to talk about it as I felt this was the way to get things right again, she withdrew as she didn't like to open up and talk about things, grew further apart, and after three months I had to move back out again ti a flat annexed off my parents house 8 miles away. It wasn't a nice experience but we left agreeing that we still loved each other but needed to take a step back before we could take another step forward. This was in Aug this year. Throughout September she made intermittent visits to my flat and I to hers, we'd meet less frequently and that was the last time we had sex.
October we agreed we'd been making each other unhappy, doubts that hadn't been an issue before were now and she suggested time apart to which I agreed. My intention was to try to get back to living nearby so we could pick things up again as before. For the first week or two she'd send me a text and I knew she was missing me, and offered me to meet her - to my absolute regret now I played it cool because I was scared of losing her. This upset her and the next time we met she said she didn't want a relationship, we both now had separate lives (he dad had also been diagnosed with prostate cancer that hadn't spread and was treatable) but didn't end things cleanly and said we'd both go away, do what we need to do e.g. she wanted me to get my confidence back etc. I went away, started going to the gym, and clearly wary of what I was about to lose tried to up the tactics e.g. sending thoughtful emails but without being needy or pestering her. It came to a point that she was from time to time ask me around for a cup of tea on a Sunday, or offer to meet for some Christmas shopping once but I wouldn't hear much from her. Kisses were being dropped from texts and replaced with smiley faces, this hurt me a bit and people would say it sounds like she's fond of you, really values you as a friend but doesn't want a relationship.
I texted her a week ago last Friday saying I missed her and she revealed she was missing me too, but that it was natural and that she was very confused about 'us' in inverted commas but that she'd talk to me about it when she saw me.
To bring this to a close, to find out where I stood one way or another I went around with a compilation CD, flowers and just told her I was missing her. She wasn't impressed (to be fair it was a bad time as she was hungover!) and just said she 'doesn't know', on pushing further she broke it off saying that the sexual side of things had gone, (of course it had!) she hadn't really missed me recently, and she wanted someone with a bit of confidence who will tell her what to do. There were underlying issues and her priorities were her family. She said that she still loved me, I was her best friend and wanted to meet up from time to time, cook, go for walks but just as friends. I was quite cut up (sometimes the obvious stares you in the face but you just don't want to see it) Asked how she felt about me having a GF and she said this was OK and that I'd find someone, but slightly unconvincingly. I amended my FB status to single the next morning and dropped her key through her letterbox the following day. Received a further text 3 days later saying thanks and that she hoped I was OK and a circular one on Christmas day that she must have sent to half a dozen others (a pic of a tree etc and proclaiming friends etc) that I didn't respond to as was feeling like .
Anyway I just needed to re-tell my story and leave it open to comment as I'm just very disappointed things didn't work out and I do miss both her and the better parts of the relationship. It's always a shock even when things have been rocky for a while. Advice has ranged from NC (friends, mother), friends is an option or friends will be hard etc, my brother in law said if you want her back let communication go quiet, give it a week then wish her Happy New Year & it's good to let people know you're thinking of them. The usual questions have been going through my mind about friends, etc. Any comments, support or advice would be supportive. Sorry it's so long and thanks for reading.
