[Opal Butterfly]

I have a male friend that I've known for a few months now. We haven't spent much time together because we live in different states, but I'm going to be visiting him for the weekend in the near future.

When we first met we both got on well as friends and because we were both single, we talked openly about the possibility of getting together for sex. Basically a "friends with benefits" sort of thing. We're both in our early 30's and have careers where we travel a lot, so neither of us is looking for a serious relationship.

At first, I admit I was a little concerned and cautious about the "friends with benefits" thing. I've heard too many stories of how it can ruin a friendship by one person becoming too emotionally involved, and was afraid that person would end up being me. But we talked about it and in the end I think I've gotten over most of my insecurities.

Recently however, when I was talking to him he mentioned that he had been seeing someone, so when I came to visit there couldn't be any playing around. That took me by surprise, especially since he had always been so adamant about remaining single. I felt upset and a little jealous, but teasingly said "oh, no sex for me then huh?" To which he said that he didn't really think I was ever going to have sex with him anyway. He hasn't told me much about the girl he's seeing now, or long long he's been seeing her, and honestly I've been a bit afraid to ask.

I'm trying to be cool with it all and he said I'm still more than welcome to come visit and stay the weekend, but now I'm not sure how to act around him. I'll be staying in a guest room, but I'm a natural flirt and because I'm still attracted to him, I wonder what would happen if I made a move. I'm not sure what the boundaries are now. Should I not sit too close to him? If we're watching TV, should I not lean on him or fall asleep with my head in his lap? We had talked before about giving each other sensual massages, but now even a regular back rub seems risky. I don't want to purposely break up his relationship, but if there's a strong physical chemistry between us, then it's going to be hard not to act on it. At the same time though I don't want to start something that he resents me for later.

I've talked to a few friends about this. Some say I should just go for it, act on my desires if it feels natural to do so and see what happens. Others say that I should keep my distance and respect the fact that he's off-limits. And another friend says that it sounds like he might be comparison shopping between me and this other girl, so he might make a move to see how I respond. So I'm not sure what to do. I'm not even sure how to talk about it with him. I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I still have this underlying jealousy that keeps nagging at me. I know that if he starts to talk about this other girl to me that I'll probably feel weird about it, but I don't want to let him know that because I'm afraid that he'd see that I'm feeling weird and then would back away.

No matter what happens I think it'll be awkward on some level now. Any thoughts?

[sandalwood7]

I think that you should respect the fact that he is 'seeing someone' at the moment. I take this to generally mean that he is off bounds, regardless of your previous conversation. Why else would he have told you this information about the other girl? ( alternatively I suppose it could be a false ploy to get you into bed with him... make him more desirable to you if you know he is attractive to other women)

I just don't think that it would be a good idea to flirt with him or make a move on him. The ball is in his court if he wants to make a move on you. If you do make a move on him and it goes wrong then it could be very awkward and put a strain on your relationship. If you make a move on him and you end up both jumping into bed together while he has a girlfriend, then how do you think that will make you feel the next day? (perhaps guilt? Sadness, if he chooses to go back to his grilfriend)

If you are just after no strings attached sex, why does it have to be him? Could you not find someone else to have this kind of relationship with that is not attached?

Still go on th eweekend, but act as a platonic frined, would be my ultimate advice.

[Alty]

Stick to being just friends. This could backfire in so many ways, especially since he's seeing someone.

He told you for a reason. If he still wanted to have carefree no strings sex then all he had to do was keep quiet about the girl he's seeing. This was his hint to you, take it.

[judenyce]

I know that this is NOT what you want to hear, but I would cancel the weekend. Either save your money, or take yourself somewhere else. I have actually had this exact weekend with a friend of mine and we were 'benefits' for the 4 days that I stayed with him, but neither one of us was in any sort of relationship, so there were no hang ups and we are still friends.

Close your eyes, and imagine your weekend. Do you really think that the girl that he is seeing is going to stay away for your whole trip? How 'wonderful' is it going to be hanging out with the two of them? I'm sure that is going to feel GREAT, right? To put it bluntly, you're going to feel crappy cause he's going to be sitting with her, not you, kissing her, not you, flirting with her, and not you. You are going to have to sit there and watch and you won't have any choice cause once you get there, you'll be stuck there. And I don't know about you, but I am a very jealous person, and I don't think that I could handle my cool in a situation like that. I would probably wind up acting in a way that isn't like me and I would probably ruin my friendship with him.

And what happens if something does happen? I'm sure that will feel fantastic too right? Do you have the fantasy version playing? I.e. you arrive, he sees how wonderful you are and he can't resist you! I'm not going to deny that that does sound great, but if you're long-distance, and you weren't supposed to be trying for an actual relationship in the first place... do you really think that he's going to blow his chance of hooking up with her? If he didn't actually want a relationship with her, he never would've mentioned her to you and he would've kept going along with the 'benefits' weekend. And if you tried and he's not into it, then he won't want to talk to you much longer, and the rest of your trip will be awkward.

I'm going out on a limb, but I'm guessing that you are probably jonesing pretty bad if you are still willing to chance all of it. (I only recognize the signs because I am the same way! It's just so much easier giving the advise than taking it!).

If you do cancel the weekend with him, tell him the truth about it all. What guy is going to take offense to being so irresistible that you may not be able to help yourself and you might throw yourself at him? Besides, it will show him that you are mature and respectful, and HE will dig that and keep it in mind. And you know that you will be able to keep the friendship going if it is that important to you.

[Gemini54]

Look, let's face it, you didn't really believe the 'friends with benefits' thing did you? Be honest with yourself.

I mean you haven't even bonked him yet, and already you're slightly envious of his new GF and considering 'jumping him' (or not) when you visit.

Put yourself in his GF's place. How would you feel if some woman you've never met suddenly arrived on his doorstep and started making advances to your new BF?

In these sort of situations you must always act with integrity. He's told you he has a GF and is not interested in pursuing the friends with benefits thing.

Be very honest with yourself. The real reason he wanted to be friends with benefits with you was because he didn't see you as GF material. That's what really rankles isn't it?