Check out some similar questions!

Jilldalil · Aug 31, 2009, 01:53 PM

I have been divorced for several years. A couple years ago my exhusbands girlfriend moved in. She seems to be changing and controlling a lot of what goes on with the children. For example, he was only getting the children every other Saturday night, then when she moved in she said they wanted to start taking them every other full weekend. I told her I thought that was pretty fair so I said OK even though my exhusband works until 2AM Saturday mornings and wouldn't even be there on fridays, she said she had wanted some alone time with the children. Well then this past summer they decided they wanted to exercise their four week visit that's in the divorce decree (never in the 7 years we have been divorced have they ever done this!! ). I had to agree because ti was in the divorce decree. I didn't like the idea that he would be working every night Monday - Friday until 2AM while he had the children. However, I agreed not wanting to argue. Now the kids had a birthday and I bought them cell phones. THeir dads girlfriend said she doesn't want the phone at the house because there is no reason I should need to talk to them on her time. I told my exhusband that I was starting to think this was getting ridiculous. She also got very mad because when they had the children for an extended time over the summer I wrote them each a poem and put it in the overnight bag. I thought this was cute and sweet and would make them feel special. Well the girlfriend freaked out about it and started yelling and swearing at me telling me I was trying to guilt trip my own children. What should I do?

Jake2008 · Sep 1, 2009, 03:06 AM

I have to ask you, how old are these children, and where are you getting the information on what the girlfriend has said- from them?

Or did this come from you ex husband, via the girlfriend.

Doesn't really matter, because it's all third hand information.

He could be relating what the children have said directly to him too, and that could be out of whack.

Might be a good idea to either let the small stuff go, or request some sort of meeting, even with a mediators help.

You need to clear the air, and get everybody on the same page, including the children.

I think too that if she were as mean as she sounds in your post, that you would have mentioned that the children are kicking up a fuss going there at all.

Gemini54 · Sep 1, 2009, 03:47 AM

I'm a bit concerned that your ex-husband's GF is making all the rules.

Is this what is actually happening? I do notice that you've also started a number of threads about this issue over the past 12 months.

The children are your responsibility and your ex-husband's. Any negotiation over the children, what they take with them on their access visits and the timing of these visits should be between you and your ex. It is not his GF's role to dictate any of this.

I do however think that you should allow your children to be with them without any interference on your part, but the kids should be able to ring you if they wish.

Remember, you're their mother and they will always love you - the GF will never be their mother, you are.

Jilldalil · Sep 1, 2009, 06:34 AM

The childern are 10 years old. The information came from the girlfriend to me directly. She called me and told me the kids wouldn't be able have the cell phones and so on and so forth. Then she will put the exhusband on the phone and he will repeat the information to me that she has just said. He has talked to me once behind her back and tried to explain the situation. He said she and his mother would love to see the kids with him full time but that he wouldn't do that because I am such a good mother. He also explained that he is not allowed to talk to me unless the GF is present. If she sees my name on caller ID he has to repeat the conversation word for word that we had. As of this past year she takes my child support checks to the court house for him. Ever since she started taking them they are always late. Not a big deal because I always have one month worth of bills saved up but it just seems odd to me that she just holds on to for an extra week or two. He explained to me that he loves her and just wants to make her happy, he is very scared of losing her so he treats me the way he does in front of her because that is what she wants. On that same note he also says he will fully support her on any topic.

Gemini54 · Sep 1, 2009, 09:05 PM

I'd start creating some really strong boundaries now.

If she rings you with instructions let her know that you're only prepared to speak to the children's father and that your negotiations regarding their well being will be with him directly, not with her. Be polite, friendly but firm. Don't argue with her, jusr let her know that is what you want and let him kmow as well regardless of how he feels about it.

How your Ex deals with her is his business and you should not interfere with that. If he chooses to be hen pecked because he wants to keep her happy, then that's his choice.

I'm not sure why she (and her mother!) feel the need to lay claim to your children, but I would not worry. As I said before, you are their mother and kids are VERY aware of that.

Your children are still young, so I would be patient and let her make the rules at their house. But don't worry - when they start asserting themselves, and they will, I bet she'll send them home like a shot!

aboleth · Sep 5, 2009, 02:58 AM

Well, first off. Don't let the kids see you sweat this. You should also refrain from involving the children in the debate in any way shape or form. Unfortunately, your children are in another person's household, and will have to follow their rules.

It is a real bummer of a situation to have your kids spend time with someone you don't like at all. As far as decisions about the children however, you still have plenty of control. You don't even have to talk to this woman. Communicate via your EX and try to set some expectations with him. For the most part, you'll have to ignore her, unless the situation becomes harmful for the children.

judenyce · Dec 28, 2009, 10:47 PM

It's been awhile since the last post, but have you talked to your lawyer?

hoosiergirl65 · Feb 21, 2010, 05:26 PM

She is NOT their mother, period. It would be all I could do to keep from marching over there and slapping her right across the face! Doesn't want them to have cell phones because it disrupts HER time with YOUR kids? You'd better nip this in the bud, sorry I can't tell you how but there is someone out there that can. Sounds like she is SLOWLY trying to creep her way in to your kids' minds to turn them against you, and maybe not even acknowledge you someday. This could go as far as them calling her mom and not wanting to have anything to do with you anymore because the next step is brainwashing them. This can happen, probably rare but do you want to be the "one" out of a million that this haapens to? Of course not! She sounds like a controlling witch (nice term for what I really mean). I would leave ex out of it and confront her about it. As hard as it would be (for me anyway) try to communicate and not fight. You will be the better person for it. Hope it all works out in your favor...