[GreenGo]

Ok so my situation is a little different. There is a girl whom I've had a crush on and been best friends with since freshmen year. Back then I was too nervous to even say anything however after telling her my feelings this last year she admitted that since freshmen year she's felt the same way... However she has had a boyfriend for the last 2 years and just about 2 months ago broke things off with him. Since then we started kissing and hanging out a lot more and so forth. So basically just recently we have everything a relationship has without the commitment. She doesn't have anything else with any other boy that I know of, and given the strength of our relationship I know that she would tell me things such as that. I bring up commitment and she just says, "she doesn't want a boyfriend yet". I honestly believe that it has to do with the pain of her last breakup. She had never been with anyone else before him and he just recently got a girlfriend so she got really depressed. I don't know if she is nervous to get into another relationship especially with me given the strength of our relationship. We are basically best friends and so I think she may be afraid of losing me if it were to not work out, however we never fight and I don't think either of us has even been mad at the other given the level of communication we have. She is a genuine girl though, doesn't have "hookups", and she is honest in everything she says... I've known her for a long time and got to know her VERY well but lately I don't know what to do at this point. I need some advice...

If you guys feel as though the problem is that she may not be over her other boyfriend what can I do to help her gain closure? I can garauntee that they won't get back together given the fact that they haven't even talked since and he has a new girl friend.

I what can I do to help her overcome her fear of "losing" me if we were to breakup?

[jaime90]

Your relationship is losing a lot more than just commitment. Love=commitment. Fighting and getting mad is normal and healthy for a relationship (unless it is excessive.) If you don't have the occasional argument, I would be a little worried.)

Give this girl some time and space. Don't keep kissing, etc. Slow things down. If she doesn't want a relationship, don't be in one with her. Be her friend and support her, but don't get emotionally involved until she has fully healed from the breakup. You can do this, by not getting her emotions and feelings mixed up into a relationship with you. Give her some space, and give her some time to heal emotionally on her own. It may take a while, so be patient. It takes a lot of respect to let a woman you really like, go her on her own to heal from a previous relationship.

[GreenGo]

Yeah... I mean like we have had tiny little instances where we've gotten angry but nothing that couldn't be resolved in less than a day... For instance she bought a pizza the other day and I carried it to her house vertical like a book, when we got home it was completely lopsided and she was pissed. But I flattened it back out and we both laughed it off.

It hard to not kiss her at all she goes in for a kiss every now and then and we've gotten really intimate excluding sex. Like I said it's like were dating but not official. So should I just stop kissing her... and not give her as many opportunities to kiss me? I mean, I just don't want her to think we've lost what were working towards because I'm settling down.

[talaniman]

You may be working toward a relationship, but she is not. She is in the process of healing, and though your friendship is needed by her to move on, the romance part may never develop, as long as your making out and acting like a couple.

Generally after a break up, we are vulnerable for attention, and comfort. Your giving her that, but when she is stronger, she will no longer need you as a comfort or diversion. She was quite clear in her need to not be in a relationship, because she is afraid, and simply not ready to take a risk.

Unless you recognize that, and stop acting like a romantic couple, you will be devastated after she heals, and is ready to risk her heart again, because I doubt it will be with you. Chances are slim that that will happen.

Its not you, just your timing is a bit off. Sorry.

[Devorameira]

Give her space. Don't kiss or cuddle with her. I know you'd like to have a full-blown relationship with her, but she isn't ready for anything more than a friendship. I think she's just needy at the moment and it will pass. The problem is that when the neediness passes, you may not be the one ending up with her. :(

[sabrewolfe]

Why do you need a commitment with her? Because you kiss and hold hands and stuff like that? Take it easy. Let the relationship develop. She already told you she isn't ready for a committed relationship. Why frustrate yourself about that? If you come on too strongly before she is ready, your going to push her away. Give her time, stop worrying if she has any hang ups about her ex. Let her work that out on her own and give her some room to breathe. Be her friend and let things develop in there time. Relax, don't be so pushy and desperate. I see too many guys doing that these days and it gets them nowhere. Women do not like pushy, clingy guys. It turns them off. Let them come to you when they are ready and show them you can be happy either way.

[talaniman]

Ever think the making out with you is to keep you coming back for more? Don't let the thrills stop you from setting personal boundaries. Females use their charms on us to get what they want, and she wants company, and attention. Like from a guy, but with no commitment. Then she doesn't have to go through the heart break of dumping you.

Stop thinking with the little head, or risk getting burned.

Talaniman Rule-Never ever mess with a person that has just broken up. You only think you'll get somewhere.

[GreenGo]

Ok so I had a long conversation with her yesterday about her reasoning behind her unwillingness to commit and kind of put it out there that it seems kind of like I'm being used as a crutch. Because of our closeness she didn't take this the wrong way like most girls would. I would have to say she is by far more mature than most girls her age. Anyway I came to the conclusion that she just isn't over her ex. She explained how she felt as though she was already committed to me and kind of saw it as a bad thing given her state of mind from her recent breakup. She realizes that it will and would never work out with him but she has just grown very attached to him for the last 2 years. Since their breakup 2 months ago they haven't even exchanged words, he's found a new girlfriend, and she caught in the middle. I feel as though I've caught her right in the transition. It's not like I've been pressuring her, I've explained to her that my curiousity towards her unwillingness to commit is purely for informational purposes, and it truly is... I give her as much space as she needs. The last few days I feel we have been closer than ever though. She came over tonight and we were sitting watching TV, she kissed me and I kind of gazed elsewhere thinking about what I've been told by all of you. She noticed and asked what's wrong. Due to our recent conversation I'm almost positive she knew what I was thinking. Stupidly we playfully kissed the rest of the night. Then later she noticed all of the songs on her ex's iPod got deleted and she feared what he would have to say when she returned it. Started crying explaining she didn't want to have to make the exchange of eachothers goods process more awkward than it was already going to be. I of course comforted her. For the rest of the night she kept thanking me for being there for her and telling me she loved me. Like I said, its as though we have everything in a relationship besides the official commitment. However, its not like I've given her an ultimatum. When I've talked about it in the past months its been to find out where she is in her feelings. For the first month I didn't really expect much because it was so close to the breakup, but now as it gets further away and we are growing closer and closer I'm just trying to make sure I come out on top. I know she has strong feelings towards me, and I have strong feelings towards her as well. Honestly I think the only thing keeping us apart is the fact that she hasn't had closure with her ex. I think after they exchange goods and have a final word she will be ready to commit. Like I said, she an honest kind hearted girl. She hasn't ever gotten intimate with anyone besides those she truly cares about.

[talaniman]

It's not like I've been pressuring her, I've explained to her that my curiousity towards her unwillingness to commit is purely for informational purposes, and it truly is... I give her as much space as she needs.

While I agree your not pressuring her, just going along with her program, you are serving as a crutch and distraction, for someone who would normally be working through her feelings herself. That takes time, and your providing the "time flies when your having fun" part now.

For the first month I didn't really expect much because it was so close to the breakup, but now as it gets further away and we are growing closer and closer I'm just trying to make sure I come out on top.

When I read this, I cringed, as not only do you have an agenda, but are going about it the entirely wrong way. Seldom do people spend the time to nurse someone back to health, and get the reward of a relationship later. Its more often just the opposite happens. They leave when they get "cured". Know that and adjust your thinking.

The flaw in your logic, is your investing way too much into someone who is healing, and has no clue as to what she will feel or do when that healing is over, or how long that healing will last.

Honestly I think the only thing keeping us apart is the fact that she hasn't had closure with her ex. I think after they exchange goods and have a final word she will be ready to commit.

I don't, as exchanging goods is just the beginning of the healing process. She has already had her closure. And her anger, in deleting his songs from his IPod, (Come on, somehow they got deleted) and has waited for months now to exchange their stuff? Sorry buddy, that final word is going to be a conversation on what happened, and she will be devastated all over again, that it may be finally over, and has had a false hope all this time, and that he will change his mind, and she gets a second chance.

You cannot predict, or manipulate, the healing process for another, it takes as long as it takes, hence the warning of not investing a lot of time, and emotions, into someone that has been rejected, especially for another.

If the subject of you two comes up, I am willing to bet your just a friend, and if you could keep your thinking on that level, you would be better of, as your working hard for more than that, and I don't see that happens.

I hope you get what you want though. I really do.

[sabrewolfe]

Take your time and back off a bit. Let her deal with the breakup on her own. As Taliniman said, you are acting as her crutch right now, and when she heals, she won't need the crutch anymore.

[GreenGo]

talaniman, everything your saying makes sense... but how am I supposed to go about just going back to solid friends. Should I just talk to her and tell her where I'm coming from? Explain that I can't keep seeing her until she's out of her current mindstate, but I'm here for her and there is a place for her I'm my heart? Or just pull a solid no communication?

P.S. She plugged her iPod into my computer to charge it cause she uses Yahoo chat on it to talk to me. It started syncing and erased her songs... I fixed it though and retrieved them all. Haha

[talaniman]

The way I have always dealt with comforting a friend, is keep my feelings to myself, and just be a friend.

Does that mean being available as an emotional tampon? NO! And no way do I cross the line between acting like a couple, or being a friend. Nor would I allow her too.

Limit your time to comfort her, anything over once a week is too much, unless boundaries are set and kept.

Your going along with her program, and timetable, instead of having your own, and you don't see that you both have a different hidden agenda.

[GreenGo]

K so I unexpectadly had a long conversation with her. I told her I needed to have a serious dicussion with her, and she wouldn't wait until later. So I just explained that I've known that her heart has been in a different place all this time and I can't allow myself to provide the cake and let her eat it too... So basically I can't keep allowing myself to become intimate with her until she heals and we are on the same playing field.

At first when I just said that I need to quit seeing her like I have she asked what I meant by that and after explaining she timidly said, "ok" and was asking if I was angry.

Then I explaining that I was ending this because I wanted to give her time to heal before we got serious and that I won't allow myself to keep putting myself through the confusion and uncertaintity of a half assed relationship. I went on to state that I still love her and am always going to be here for her like I always have, but I need to set my boundaries. I know that the thrills now will just lead to heartache on my half in the future, if we keep up the intimacy without her commitment.

After that she just replied "I'm sorry I'm leaving. I gotta get out of here" and hasn't said anything since... She's at home so I'm guessing she left so I can't call her given she doesn't have a cell.

I mean I guess I kind of gave her an ultimatum, however I left the door open... Explaining how I'd like to pursue a relationship with her when her heart is healthy but can't right now since her heart is elsewhere...

The last few times we've hung out I've caught myself staring into nothing after we've kissed, basically just thinking about everything I have just told her...

[GreenGo]

Update,

So basically I hung out with her on new years and went to the mall with her and her friends. It was kind of awkward. She still acting kind of clingy still however we didn't kiss or anything. Her friends decided to go to a party and she wanted to hangout with me instead. We went to my house and sat and watched a movie. Then stupidly I started tearing up and kissed her. I was just thinking about our whole situation and it just hit me. When the ball dropped she kissed me again and then went home. Again we talked the next few days about where we were. And I told her I just want to give her time. and that she needed to make an effort to heal, first by giving back all his stuff...

Two days ago she finally decided to talk to her ex. They settled their differences and scheduled a time for him to pick up his stuff the next day. Yesterday he finally came and got his stuff from her house. They sat and talked for a few hours and then he left. She was super depressed the rest of the day and kept trying to tell me how sad she was. Not wanting to be her emotional crutch, I just kept my responses short such as "be strong" , "it will all get easier with time", and so on... Also whenever she would bring it up I'd immediately change the conversation and start talking about other things.

Today she seems to be doing much better and hasn't brought him up yet. Im trying to talk about it as little as possible with her. I also don't think it would be best that we hung out at this time so I've been telling her that I'm busy so she doesn't even bring it up.

[amicon]

Then you step even further back and stay busy doing your own thing,her healing is her business,let her handle it.

[talaniman]

I see a big problem here fella. You still think you can play this friendship game to keep her close, and have a relationship later? I really doubt that.

For one its like your using friendship to stay close, and that's not a true friend at all, but an opportunist who is trying to manipulate someone's feelings, while they are vulnerable.

Sure your ultimatum left the door open, but only for what you want, and not any real choice there either, as she wants you for romance, or nothing, what about just friends?

You already can have her as a friend, but as long as your motive is for more, you will be a lousy friend at best. Your already showing you can't let her vent her feelings about her ex, and that's a very screwed up version of No Contact.

I think you do better being honest with yourself, that you can't handle friends now, and do some healing yourself, instead of charading as a friend, trying to influence her decision. For sure she should do her own healing around real friends, and there is no telling how long that will take.

Let me ask you, how would you feel if after all that "friendship", she chooses someone else to date and have a romance with? Be honest!

[GreenGo]

In no way am I trying to manipulate her feelings. Im just trying to help her move on and be able to live her life without being hung up on the past... I guess I need to start putting how I'm thinking and feeling in my updates.

Me and her talked about this... She said she felt as though I was giving her an ultimatum (have me or lose me). However my intentions weren't for it to come off that way and I told her that. I told her that I don't want to make her feel like I'm pressuring her into anything and no matter what we'll always be close. I want it to be solely her decision. I just don't want to get any closer until I know she's ready. I told her I would no longer bring up commitment, I'd wait for her. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. If she didn't want a relationship and I saw her with someone else sure I'd be devastated but I wouldn't be able to just forget her and not be "just" friends, and I can honestly say that. I liked her before she committed to her ex and was sad at that point but we still stayed close and I waited... We've been too close for too long. I don't think you guys understand how close we've been the last 4 years. I tell her EVERYTHING and she tells me EVERYTHING. We're both not ashamed to tell each other how we feel. Like I said were basically in a relationship that hasn't been set in stone. She told me she wants to be 100% focused on me first before we proceed to commitment, and until she gets over her ex she can't do that. Her ex has a girlfriend though so its not like they'd be getting back together. I've been taking your guys advice and laying off this whole fantasy I have of us as a couple. Right now I'm just waiting for her to heal, and once she's ready we'll go from there and see if it will work. I've said it before and I'll say it again, this girl is true to her word. She doesn't do anything unless there is meaning behind it and she tells me everything.

One thing I do want to ask... I know I said I had kind of been avoiding talking to her about her emotions right now post-exchange of goods... Do you think that's a good idea, or should I be there for her and talk her through it? Also would it be bad idea to hangout with her?

[talaniman]

I think your to emotionally invested, to be objective.

I also think its false hope to be waiting to see how someone feels about you, when they have their own emotional problems, and I also think that acting as a couple, and being her emotional tampon is not healthy, and your way to available even as a friend.

If your life were a lot more balanced with other things, maybe you could be her as a friend, but as it is, I'm not seeing this working out well for you. Especially if she heals, and still doesn't want a commitment to you.

You seem to think its just a matter of time before you will have what you want.

[amicon]

I stand by my most recent post-leave her to heal from her breakup. In addition stop being her crutch.

[jaime90]

Help her gain closure, by not messing with her feelings! Her feelings have been hurt. If you really care for her, respect her and give her some space until she clearly states to you that she is ready for a relationship! It all comes down to respect, plain and simple. If you cannot respect the girl and her feelings, you will not do a very good job of loving her like she deserves, if and when that ever happens. Love is not true unless there is respect.