[talaniman]

Ok well the big question. How do I learn to just trust and not be jealous for my next relationship?

Trust is earned, not given, you pay attention, and don't deal with those you can't trust. That means you have to know yourself well, so you know what you will tolerate, and what you want, and know them well enough to know if they can be trusted. That may take time, no matter how cute, or the intense feelings you have. That's why you don't get so carried away by your own feelings, or be blinded by your lust.

As far as jealousy goes, which is another form of FEAR, that's something that must be overcome by courage, again, it requires a knowledge of self, and an awareness of what your afraid of, and how you cope with it. I cope with my fears by having facts, so again paying attention, and knowing what exactly I'm dealing with, so I don't act just out of fear (feelings), or speak just because of what I feel (fear).

To simplify, thoughts, actions, and words, have to be considered based on facts, and not impulse based on fear (feelings). Sound familiar? It should because I do say it a lot when explaining No Contact. Allowing yourself to make better decisions based on facts, and not just feelings. Its all related to YOU, and how well you know yourself, and what your afraid of. (losing the girl, being alone, rejection etc.)

Conclusion, Know them well enough to see if they are worthy of your trust by paying attention, and let them earn trust, and don't be afraid to walk away when you have the facts to not trust them, and don't act, or speak before you think.

This allows you to always keep your head, and make decisions, and act, based on facts, and not just feelings, and that help communications also, just because your paying attention (listening). One thing you can't do without, honesty with self, that allows you to be honest with others.

When you know yourself well, and trust yourself, then you can take your time and learn others, and trust them. And when you know what your afraid of you can have a plan to deal with that fear, be it jealousy, envy, anger, or lust.

Questions??

[talaniman]

Bjohnrupp
Hey Tal/Emo- I've been reading through this thread because Emo's ex sounds a lot like my ex- they probably would be good friends lol. My question is Tal- what's a guy like Emo or me supposed to do when you're in a relationship and the girl is acting like this.

Honestly express how you feel, and pay attention what she does about it. If she crosses the line of what you consider good behavior, see you, hate to be you!!

Like Emo I stood up for myself but she would continue to do/say disrespectful things. I don't know how guys like me or Emo can handle girls like this- its not like were pushovers and letting ourselves get walked on... thats how a lot of younger girls act.:confused:

Age doesn't matter, kick 'em to the curb, and disappear from their lives.

[talaniman]

Friend4U...so as soon as a girl does something wrong, we are suppose to walk out? cmon...reality now. Be serious. Really what do you do?

Depends on what they do wrong, but getting cussed out in public, is a disappear from her life situation.

[emopunk7]

I love you TMAN! Sorry, just had to say it!

I hope lots of people come through this thread. I will not ask for it to be deleted. There is a lot to learn from my situation.

Let me see if I can rephrase what you said TMAN...
I have to continue getting to know myself. I've learned that I am great in many aspect but I need to work on Jealousy and Trusting. I'm glad I can at least accept that. Now I learned from you that not everyone can be trusted and I can't expect to just trust anyone. Trust has to be earned and I need to observe the girl I am seeing. That's what dating is about and having fun. I know I'm not a big fan of clubs and bars unless my partner is with me. So I am forced to make a decision. Will I learn to trust and just let them go alone with whomever? Do I find a girl who feels the same way as myself? Or do I do what I recently did and let it slide when I feel comfortable but for the most part only with me around? This is my toughest question in years and I'd do anything to just let them go alone and trust. That should be the correct answer right? I think so because if I find a girl who thinks like me that would be great but deep down the trust issue is hidden and it will surface in another area in the relationship, right?
Please, let me know if this is correct and what isn't. I really want to be the best I can. I'm determined!

[Alty]

I'm late to this thread and I have to admit that I didn't read all 61 pages, it's midnight, I'm tired. So, if I say something that's already been said, please forgive me.

Emo, mistrust and jealousy are not admirable traits. If you can't get over this then you'll never be happy.

Also, honesty in a relationship is key. Now, if I had a controlling guy that wouldn't let me step foot out of the house with someone other then him I wouldn't lie, because I'd never put up with it to begin with. He'd be kicked to the curb so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.

If he can't trust me to go out with my friends, even without him, then he's not the guy for me. I deserve trust, because I've earned it.

A jealous guy is also quickly forgotten. Jealousy only shows one thing and that's insecurity. It's not an endearing trait.

I am friends with a lot of my exes. It doesn't work for everyone, but a lot of the guys I used to date were better friends then anything else. Because of that, we're still friends.

In fact, one my exes is in town right now. I'm in Canada, he's in LA, so when he comes to visit we get together. Hubby stays home with the kids and I go out with my ex.

Yes, we had a physical relationship, but guess what, it's in the past. My husband is my present, my future, and he knows it. Hubby isn't jealous because there's no reason to be. He knows me, he trusts me, he loves me. If he didn't then I couldn't be with him. Like I said, I deserve trust.

Your best bet is to find a girl that hates going to clubs, hates going to see her exes, doesn't have any male friends, dotes on you and only you, asks permission for everything she does... I'm cringing as I write this. You do realize that this isn't the answer, right?

It's not the potential girl that's the problem. It's you. You have to change, not find someone that fits into the very narrow little view you have of the perfect mate.

You need to find out why you can't trust, why you're jealous and you have to deal with it before you can be in a relationship with anyone.

Good luck.

[bswc]

Its great answers from the people around here. Your answer is getting clearer now emo, Its time to get it 100% clear and start to work on it. I'm just so excited to see one improving and growing on positive aspects! I support you!

[vanheart]

Yes, start getting to know who you are, first.

There are some hidden secrets there, if you want to dig, or have the will to. You may be surprised and start to awaken.

Then... well. Oysters, (if you like oysters.)

[emopunk7]

Thank you BSWC for your constant support! How are you doing?

Thank you so much Alty! That post was brilliant and I'm surprised you haven't seen this thread nor read it. I like the part about my best bet is to find a girl who doesn't do this nor that... and you are right - My view is pretty narrow. I blame it on my religion. We grew up thinking everything is bad and frowned upon... Smoking, sex, drinking, clubbing. I've actually stepped out of that shell a lot. Sometimes it makes me feel bad because I love God. But if I stood in those ways then my view of a girl will stay narrow and I will have the same problems again. I celebrated halloween even against my religion just for my ex. I had sex with her and gave her that part of me. I would drink when out with her to be with her and show her I'm cool... lol Now its become who I am and now my range of women has expanded. I even prayed mostly at her church (she is catholic and I am christian) just to show her I'm am committed to her and as long as I am praying to God, I don't mind being in her religion. I really showed I cared in so many ways. She would get text messages and I'd leave it. I never checked her phone even once and never called a girl!! All the mistakes I did the first time, I didn't do the second time. I actually changed while she still did her things behind my back. We weren't even upset and yet she says she is going to sleep and instead goes out. That's not a way to build trust!! Lies!! I hate it!! How was I suppose to trust her after that? I'd always wonder if she is really sleeping or not. And that was the fourth time!! No way!
I improved a lot compared to my first time. I didn't call any girls, I didn't yell, I didn't treat her bad, I always gave her sex and didn't put religion in the way, I celebrated halloween with her, I always picked her up at work, and never gave her a reason to not trust me. Still she never did despite my efforts! Why!!

[emopunk7]

And now after learning and improving all that, I now have to build more trust and not be jealous.
So throughout the last 4 years I've gained experience and I practiced not making the same mistakes and improved. To add to my experience, I now have to do better at trust and not be jealous towards guys and no more paybacks. I can't wait to be great! I feel bad my ex didn't get this part of me. That makes me sad. Every girl deserves the best. I feel bad she didn't get the best me.

[vanheart]

Don't worry about all of those sacrifices.

So, get to the best you. Our beliefs start with what is inside us. Then we act.

Not what we profess.

Jealousy is, for me one of the ugliest emotions. Not good for anyone.

Remove that, then you can trust. But first, trust yourself. Do, don't just talk.

[amicon]

Just look forward to being the very best you can be in your next relationship! And Merry Christmas and a Happy 2010 to you Emo!

[talaniman]

Still she never did despite my efforts! Why!!

Because her love wasn't the same love as yours. That's why it went no where. That's why you didn't grow. You weren't paying attention, you were in love. She was not. She may have said it but, failed to do it.

Her words and actions didn't match, yet you gave her your heart anyway. Now you will carry those scars she left on you to the next relationship, and have trust issues.

That's what healing is about, to let the scars heal, and NOT let them stop you from being who you, are, and living life fully. You will be more cautious in the future, but not so tainted by the past. It's a process you can't rush, or or talk yourself through, so get some patience and get busy.

You will know when your healed, because you will be ready to take a risk again. I mean really ready.

Talaniman Rule- Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18 -80, blind, cripple, or crazy.

It takes time to heal, and you may as well enjoy it. Besides time flies when your having fun.

[slapshot_oi]

Hey slapshot and friend4U, so do you think its okay that I used to call my exes for relationship advice? Afterall, you do say exes are exes for a reason. What do you say?

Call whoever you want for advice, but in the end what they say doesn't even matter, you see the world through your eyes only and you will react to what you see. And really, even since I joined this thread yesterday, you've been talking in circles and confusing yourself, you've taken our advice absolutely nowhere.

You're not moving on from your ex because you don't want to, it's that simple.

[bjohnrupp]

Friend4U...so as soon as a girl does something wrong, we are suppose to walk out? cmon...reality now. Be serious. Really what do you do?

Great question Emo- that's what I was thinking also- you see.. what if girls (like Emo's ex & my ex) do little things that are very minor but none the less disrespectful? For example- Emo's ex told him she was going to sleep when she really went out to a club (mine did the same thing). Or at a club when I walked away for a minute guys were hitting on my ex and she was talking to them instead of getting rid of them right away.

I or Emo aren't going to dump them for something minor like letting a guy talk to them at a club and we would stick up for ourselves and say we don't appreciate that but another month or so down the road they'll do another thing disrespectful but way too minor to dump them over. I found lots of texts from another guy on my ex'es phone- you can yell at them all you want but there still going to do stuff like that behind your back. I don't know about you Emo but I ALWAYS stood up for myself.

I guess what the experts like Tal and others are saying is you should only put up with as much as you will take and then dump them when enough is enough? I don't think dumping someone you love is an option if they only do minor disrespectful things.

[slapshot_oi]

Friend4U...so as soon as a girl does something wrong, we are suppose to walk out? cmon...reality now. Be serious. Really what do you do?

What I don't understand is why you need every detail explained to you, you're taking our advice so literally you miss the point every single time, and then the thread expands into 30+ pages.

Everything in life has a context; apply rules when necessary, and bend them when you see fit depending on the context. You live and you learn, advice is only going to get you so far, and for most people it doesn't get them anywhere, humans learn by experience. So, you really need to put this one to bed so you can finally move on, you've been harping on this for three months.

[Romefalls19]

Hey Emo, I can relate to you, because 2 years ago, I was you. I was a jealous p*ick, didn't think about my actions or how the affect my girlfriend at the time. The fact is, if they want to cheat, they're going to. Whether we keep them locked away at night, trust me, with my ex I was always keeping tabs on her and thought nothing everything of nothing. I thought I had a great grasp on what was going on in her life, come to find out she fell for someone else and I had no idea. After that relationship ended, I decided I needed to fix me, in order to have a healthy relationship for myself. I went to therapy, took courses, read every piece of information available on the green monster. I am still battling it, it's not a battle you win over night. It takes months, years and you still battle it long after that. Do I have relapses, sure, but I have a loving fiancé who understands that I have changed a lot, have come a long way and has no problem slapping me back on the path again.

As an update, my fiancé has two kids, by another guy. I will be around this guy for the rest of their lives, it's something I struggle with but I have trust in my fiancé that she loves me, wants to be with me and is happy. You can't go around beating every guy up, or worrying about every guy making a move on your girl. It's not worth it. Start a new chapter, today. Don't get into a relationship right away.

Make a list of things you want to work on, and don't hold back. If you need a hand, I am always available and I've been in your shoes. I'm not perfect, like I said I still have relapses, but I can tell you this, I'm a heck of a lot better than I was.

[Alty]

I celebrated halloween even against my religion just for my ex. I had sex with her and gave her that part of me. I would drink when out with her to be with her and show her I'm cool...lol Now its become who I am and now my range of women has expanded. I even prayed mostly at her church (she is catholic and I am christian) just to show her I'm am committed to her and as long as I am praying to God, I don't mind being in her religion. I really showed I cared in so many ways. She would get text messages and I'd leave it. I never checked her phone even once and never called a girl!!! All the mistakes I did the first time, I didn't do the second time. I actually changed while she still did her things behind my back. We weren't even upset and yet she says she is going to sleep and instead goes out. That's not a way to build trust!!!!!! Lies!!! I hate it!!! How was I suppose to trust her after that? I'd always wonder if she is really sleeping or not. And that was the fourth time!!! No way!
I improved a lot compared to my first time. I didn't call any girls, I didn't yell, I didn't treat her bad, I always gave her sex and didn't put religion in the way, I celebrated halloween with her, I always picked her up at work, and never gave her a reason to not trust me. Still she never did despite my efforts! Why!!!?

When I read this, this is what I hear.

"I made so many sacrifices. I did so much for her. I changed my life for her. I was so good to her. I did all of this for her!"

You seem to think that you're a victim here, that you made all these changes unwillingly and she still left. That's not the case.

You aren't nearly as self sacrificing as you seem to think you are. No one put a gun to you head and forced you to change your beliefs or who you are. That was your choice, now you want to blame her.

The bottom line, you think things to death. You can't get over the past, the fact that relationships aren't perfect and analyzing everything you did won't help you move forward. You're stuck in the past.

We can give you advice until we're blue in the face, in fact, I think we already have. Until you're willing to let go of your ex you won't be ready to listen to what we have to say.

Also, we can't hold you hand every step of the way. We can't tell you what to do every minute of every day and that's what you seem to want. Some things, at 24 years old, you have to figure out for yourself.

Honesty time. You're very needy. Were you this needy in your relationship? It gets old fast. Sixty plus pages in, I've only posted twice and I'm already sick of it.

You're not listening to what we're telling you. You just want to vent about her. Let us know when you're actually ready to move on.

[bjohnrupp]

Hey Emo, I can relate to you, because 2 years ago, I was you. I was a jealous p*ick, didn't think about my actions or how the affect my girlfriend at the time. The fact is, if they want to cheat, they're going to. Whether we keep them locked away at night, trust me, with my ex I was always keeping tabs on her and thought nothing everything of nothing. I thought I had a great grasp on what was going on in her life, come to find out she fell for someone else and I had no idea. After that relationship ended, I decided I needed to fix me, in order to have a healthy relationship for myself. I went to therapy, took courses, read every piece of information available on the green monster. I am still battling it, it's not a battle you win over night. It takes months, years and you still battle it long after that. Do I have relapses, sure, but I have a loving fiance who understands that I have changed a lot, have come a long way and has no problem slapping me back on the path again.

As an update, my fiance has two kids, by another guy. I will be around this guy for the rest of their lives, it's something I struggle with but I have trust in my fiance that she loves me, wants to be with me and is happy. You can't go around beating every guy up, or worrying about every guy making a move on your girl. It's not worth it. Start a new chapter, today. Don't get into a relationship right away.

Make a list of things you want to work on, and don't hold back. if you need a hand, I am always available and I've been in your shoes. I'm not perfect, like I said I still have relapses, but I can tell you this, I'm a heck of a lot better than I was.

That really is so true "the fact is if they want to cheat their going to"... no matter how much you keep tabs on them they'll still find a way. So the best thing to do is let them do whatever they want to do and trust them enough to not be cheating on you. If you can't trust them or your instincts tell you that they are cheating then dump them.

[Synnen]

Great question Emo- thats what I was thinking also- you see..what if girls (like Emo's ex & my ex) do little things that are very minor but none the less disrespectful? For example- Emo's ex told him she was going to sleep when she really went out to a club (mine did the same thing). Or at a club when I walked away for a minute guys were hitting on my ex and she was talking to them instead of getting rid of them right away.

Whoa--are you kidding me?

She was supposed to get rid of them right away---why, again? Because YOU are jealous?

That is, quite frankly, idiotic. I've been with my husband for 13 years, and the SECOND he told me I had to stop flirting, couldn't have guy friends, and had to only hang out with him in clubs, that would be IT. Kaput.

NO ONE controls me like that. I choose my OWN friends. I choose who I talk to, even if it IS guys that want to get into my pants. I can handle them WITHOUT getting rid of them, believe it or not--and yes, it still does happen occasionally.

The problem isn't that you guys need to figure out whether it's some "little thing" or a "big thing" or whatever--you guys need to figure out why you can't trust your girl to stick by you EVEN WHEN other guys are flirting with her.

If you can't be proud of the fact that your girlfriend is sexy enough to attract other men instead of angry/jealous/afraid when it happens, then you don't deserve her anyway, because the problem is YOU.

[vanheart]

Yes, needy & untrusting.

Get rid of those qualities. Change for the better. Be confident & stoked.

Learn from this.