[talaniman]

Your message was to work on my own happiness, which I will try to do, but being around my own family is what makes me happy.

That's a start, now figure out a hobby of your own, or even a job. Maybe school, or volunteering.

But I'm so afraid the inlaws would get involved and it would be all over then.

You need to get over that fear as they are not God, or the King, and yes the can make trouble, so can a bully, doesn't mean you should fear them though. Is your husband afraid of them too? That could be the root of his lack of confidence. Does he depend on them??

Be nice if you both could stand together, and carve out your own life. Its hard to be happy living in fear.

Did you sign a prenupt by any chance??

[Rose1994]

Nope - no prenup. That's actually pretty funny! ;)

Yes my inlaws are the inlaws from hell. It's an understatement to say that they are controlling, judgemental, and love to get in our business. It has always been a source of huge stress for us.

Every decision we have ever made as a couple, like buying a new house, car, etc. has been met with much dissapproval, yelling and screaming from them.

When I first met my husband, he was still living at home, supposedly to save money, but I think it was so they could keep tabs on his life. They had their own business, and turned it over to him a few years back, but are still involved in every major business decision.

We would love to be able to distance ourselves from them, but because of the family business we are unable. Once my husband tried to politely remove his dad from the decision making, but my father in law threatened to take all his customers with him, which would have bankrupted us.

Growing up, they never taught him anything about "life" stuff, instead they always did it for him. If he tried to do anything on his own, they would always take over and finish it for him. He always let them.

My father in law yells, screams, curses, and threatens. He is a miserable man and money is his god. My mother in law is extremely organized, knows where every last penny goes, and is extremely conceited. To everyone else in town, they are wonderful because they know how to be "political" and get ahead. But to us they are terrible. Ironically, they are great to our children, always spoiling them and showering them with love. Sometimes I wonder if they do this so they can show the pictures to their buddies and brag about how great their grandchildren are.

We are unable to make any decisions without backlash from them, so we lie and downplay anything we do to them. Then we get in trouble and are accused of not telling them everything. It's a "danged if you do and danged if you don't" kind of thing. I believe the term for this is emotionally abusive.

I avoid them as much as possible, but my husband sees them daily because of the business. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where his lack of confidence comes from. It's no wonder he is so into his hobby, because it's the only place they don't have any say. I just wish he'd confide in me. His obsession with the hobby and lack of closeness with me makes it very difficult to be supportive. So I do my job as a wife and mother and don't say too much about anything.

It baffles me how they can be this way. My parents are always happy for us when we make any accomplishements as a couple. But his parents, no way. I don't know how to make them happy.

I could go on and on about it but I think you get the idea. So, yes, we, and I, are very much afraid of them. Can't really do anything. As I said in my first post, I am a quiet person. I hate conflict, so that explains why I am still here 15 yrs later, wondering if I made the right decision when I married him and dreaming of the man who was confident, loved me, and was independent.

[talaniman]

I can understand your feelings of being trapped, as not only you but your husband is also trapped. He has his hobbies, you have your fantasies.

There has to be a way for the both of you to join forces, to make some changes, that benefit you both, so its about communicating to him, in a calm but honest way, and make sure he understands how these feelings are pushing you away. He probably takes the easy way out to avoid conflict, as you do, but if he stands up to his parents, you have to be there to support him, and deal with the consequences.

If he feels he will suffer alone, then for sure he will do nothing. Start talking. Stand your ground. Sometimes when we go along, to get along, and avoid conflict, we also ignore getting to a resolution.

So this is not about a long lost love, but your life NOW! Its all about you and your husband, joining together to work to solve your issues, and also you getting a good clean option, to your fantasies.

I have no doubt, if he lacks confidence in himself, he lacks it in this relationship also. That can be changed.

[Jake2008]

Holy cow Batman! You also have the in-laws from #ell to deal with...

I agree with Tal, you two of you need to be married together- without the in-laws. I realize that while their noses in your business has prevented, influenced and controlled your lives to a great degree, this can be changed. The key is, you both need to be on the same page, and you both need to be prepared for the consequences. That they essentially control your income, even though it now belongs to your husband, has to be dealt with in my opinion, through a lawyer.

You have really been through a lot, I am amazed that you can think outside this suffocating situation you are in and put two thoughts together!! Kudo's for you, absolutely.

I am wondering what options you think you have. Divorce? Will that give you peace of mind, and will you have enough to survive when the assets are divided? Do you think that there is any long term hope for the marriage to survive on different terms? Would you be more inclined to stay if there were boundaries drawn between him and his parents?

I was in a relationship once with an overbearing woman, who was my b/f's mother. She did everything she could, including verbally attacking my mother in a clothing store, saying that I wasn't good enough for her son, and surely she could see that. Her pressure on him, eventually broke us up, and he ended up marrying a woman he did not love, but that both families approved of. Revenge was mine as I've surpassed everybody's low opinions of me (because of where I came from), and did well for myself, and have had a successful marriage.

He still plays on my mind now and again. Had it not been for his mother splitting us up, I would be where you are now. From what I have heard over the years, he has never managed to cut those apron strings, so I know that it was the right decision overall. But, I still have regrets, small ones, but they are there.

The kind of pressure you are under now, is going to require some major changes in your life. I would really encourage you to insist on counselling for you and your husband as a MINIMUM requirement to continuance of this relationship. That in itself, will be a very difficult process because bringing to the surface all the things that are causing the hardship, will have to be out in the open, discussed, and worked upon. Change is a very hard thing to do, and for him, perhaps maintaining the status quo is easier than the alternative. If he's not willing to tackle the issues with you, what are you left with.

More of the same is what. But, you really owe your marriage at least a shot at repair. Once you have exhausted those possibilities and you have tried your best, then what you are left with is forging a path of your own, without him. And if that is what it takes, then is the time to consider another man in your life. But not before.

[Rose1994]

Thanks for the support, Jake and Tal. Yes the inlaws have been a major thorn in our side. I didn't realize that they were that way until AFTER the wedding. They conveniently kept their true selves hidden until I had that ring on my finger. So you see my dilemma about leaving or staying. If I leave, they will make sure I get nothing, no kids, no house, no assets, nothing. If I stay, like you said Jake, more of the same.

Tal when you said he lacks confidence in this relationship - you are right and I hadn't thought of that - that he wouldn't be confident with me either. That's a whole new thought to process. I don't think I'm a difficult person to get along with - I'm very laid back, slow to anger, I keep things to myself, I don't confront, scream, or nag to get my way. I'm also pretty shy and passive, one of my own character flaws that has been taken advantage of in the past.

As far as the inlaws go, we are "waiting them out" so to speak. They are both in their mid 70's now - pretty soon they'll be too old to do anything. This past year it's been a little better as my father in law has been having some health issues and has had to miss some work. I don't wish anything bad on him, but I have to say it's more pleasant in my household when my husband doesn't have to see him at work.

As far as options, I've thought about every possible scenario, and, partly because of the "first love", I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, if my husband came home and told me he wanted a divorce, I would feel relief. I would finally be free from all this mess. But on the other hand, my children are happy, don't know anything that's going on with them, or us, although my oldest knows that sometimes her daddy's parents gripe at us. (we've told her not to tell them about any of our business, like a new car, a new piece of furniture, a new puppy, anything like that, which I know is bad parenting but its better than being yelled at in front of her.) I love my children more than anything, and I wouldn't want to bring any of the heartbreak of divorce into their lives. I worked as a teacher until my husband took over the business and we could afford for me to stay home with our kids, and I know firsthand how divorces affect kids. I have also seen it in my own family as all 3 of my siblings are working on their 3rd marriages. So divorce is not foreign to me, I know the pros and cons of it.

The other option is stay, grin and bear it, which is what I have been doing for soooo long. As previously mentioned, I have spoken to my husband about wanting to be closer, wanting more intimacy, more passion, etc. But since I am the way I am I don't force the issue, because of his stress levels. So, nothing ever changes and on we go. Every day, week, month, year, more of his doing the hobby thing, more of me wishing I was out of this mess and in the arms of the man who really loved me. I know, I know, I shouldn't have those thoughts, but I didn't know how else to cope, especially since you know the background of how we broke up - with the mystery surrounding it all and me not being sure why we ever broke up in the first place.

To be honest, I don't know how I feel about my husband anymore. I know deep down I still love him. (Mind you, I've never loved him with that passionate, "in-love" kind of love, but more like a friend that I've shared my life with, who has been there when I went through the hardships of illness, death in the family, and childbearing. It's a very different kind of love). But I have been ignored, and made to feel unimportant for so long I'm not sure if I'm even willing to work on the relationship. For the past several months I have felt myself sort of shutting down. I don't care anymore. It scared me which is why I sought out the online counseling, and now here. I have reached a point where I don't care when my husband comes and goes, it doesn't bother me if he doesn't say goodbye or show me any signs of affection. Have I stopped caring simply because I've had enough? Obviously I haven't completely shut down emotionally because I'm posting here. But pretty close to it. The only thing I really care about now is taking care of my duties as wife, staying out of my husbands way, and loving/raising my children. They keep me going.

Of course, my constant thoughts of the first love have helped to keep me going too. Remembering how he made me feel, how confident I was when we were together, the hope that sometime in our lives we would meet again has helped me get out of bed each day. That's messed up, I know, but it's the truth. If someone were to tell me that I will never ever see him again as long as I live, I feel like I would completely fall apart.

Again, thanks for listening! Helps to get it all out here.

[talaniman]

Make no mistake as what I mean as his lack of confidence in the relationship has more to do with his own situation than you. I can imagine what a lifetime of domination has done to him. Loving his parents, being grateful, but having anger of their ways. It can't be easy. On either of you.

[DnJzMommy]

I think we all know how you feel in one way or another. We have all lost someone that we cared deeply about and never got over it. We understand its dificult for you but personally, you seem like a strong enough person to let this go. You write as if you have expierenced enough in this world to know how to live the right way. Act the way you speak. Sometimes not knowing the "If's" and the "Why's" is the best thing for everyone.
Your still eating. Your still sleeping. Your still living. You are married and have someone that loves you very much. What are you really missing? You have everything you need already. Your stressing out over something you never really needed.
I hope you realize how strong you really are. Wishing you the best.

[Jake2008]

Maybe it is just too little too late. I am no longer thinking that counselling might repair the marriage, as it has been so empty for so long. Even if he did make some obvious effort, it wouldn't fill that void.

As to the parents, they are not above the law. They can't decide custody, support, division of assets etc. They can say anything they like about you, but the truth has nothing to do with that, it has to do with what exists on paper. They can cry and scream all they like, the separation and divorce is between you and your husband, not you, your husband, and his cheerleaders.

You are not in a place where you need to be defensive. You ARE a good wife, you ARE a good mother, and you've done nothing wrong.

I can understand where your dreams of your high school sweetheart will re-kindle some goal to happiness and love, and set you free from where you are now.

But, until you are strong on your own two feet, and the dust settles after you have made a decision, try not to do anything that will make things even more complicated.

Just a thought, but I wonder if your husband will be less surprised than you think when he knows how you are truly feeling.

[Rose1994]

That's another thing - telling my husband, being completely honest with him, would totally blindsight him. He knows a little because I've mentioned it before, but as I said, I keep things to myself. I think he would be completely shocked if he were to figure out just how deeply this hurt goes.

Pouring this all out on the internet is more than strange for me, but therapeutic.

Already I realize what you are saying about the first love being a fantasy. It is - it's my way of dealing with the problems. But our history and my feelings for him are no fantasy. I believe that the heart does not lie, and mine's been telling me for a very long time that I made a mistake.

I also realize that I really do love my husband, and I feel sorry for him too with his parents being the way they are. He is usually the one who has to suffer the brunt of their anger.

Is it possible to love two men at the same time - one a memory and the other flesh and blood?

[talaniman]

I believe that the heart does not lie, and mine been telling me for a very long time that I made a mistake.

All due respect, but I can tell you the heart does lie to us all the time. It wants what it wants whether its realistic or not. Whether its good for us or not.

Your only solutions to your situation is a strong united front, or a divorce. It really is that simple. Your situation is the basis for your fantasies and by definition, not real, that's why you must let them go and deal with the reality of your situation and get some honest communications going with your husband.

Is it possible to love two men at the same time - one a memory and the other flesh and blood?

Of course it is, but expecting your memories of 15 years ago are accurate is not realistic. Nor is putting those memories above the need to take care of your business, BEFORE chasing that dream.

[Jake2008]

[I also realize that I really do love my husband, and I feel sorry for him too with his parents being the way they are. He is usually the one who has to suffer the brunt of their anger.

Is it possible to love two men at the same time - one a memory and the other flesh and blood?[/QUOTE]

Sure it's possible. Love is not always enough to keep a relationship going. Many love people who they have to leave because of abuse, addiction, infidelity etc. Love exists, and always will to some extent- for the person they were when they were together.

With you, there are things that you love about your high school sweetheart, or love about the memories about your high school sweetheart, and that was from long ago, when it was happening. Maybe you will always have a bit of him in your heart, but it isn't really him, it is the memory of him, how he was, how things were, back then.

I urge you to arrange with your husband, to talk. Without anybody around, in a place where you don't have to rush. Maybe a quiet bar or restaurant.

You owe him, in my opinion, honesty. Not the past boyfriend because that has no immediate affect, although because of those thoughts, all of this has come to the surface.

Take the opportunity to tell him how unhappy you are, and why. Tell him that you are feeling pressured and alone because of the influence of his parents, and he must be too. (who knows, maybe he does his hoby so much because he is afraid to face his fears with you, as you may think him 'weak')

There is no harm in talking, being honest, and listening.

You may be surprised at what he says.

[Rose1994]

I wanted to thank all of you for your advice the past few days. You have given me a lot to think about - things I already knew, and things I hadn't really thought of.

I appreciate this forum and my ability to post anonymously, because obviously I can't share this with anyone I know personally. It's been so good just to get it all out - I hope I didn't bore anyone to tears with my rambling.

Tal, I thank you for your candidness, reality check, and trying to help me stick to my moral center. Jake, thank you for saying such kind and understanding words.

I guess I'm just really confused right now, about so many things, and needed a compass to help me get back on the right path. I just have to figure out what that path is. Thanks again.

[amicon]

I think you will figure out what your path is and I wish you all the best and a peaceful holiday season.

[sully123]

Rose, I am sorry for you, being torn apart like that. I was originally married very young, my first time, right out of high school, with my high school sweetheart. Got married in a Catholic Church. Had my daughter ten months later, that was 38 yrs ago. My so called husband back then, who is now in my daughters life today, still would go back with me, but I am not the same person I was 30 some years ago. Your living back years ago and thinking about what is was then. Were different now, were not that same person, neither are they. He would pledge his love for me till this day and he is married. I have told him, I am not that same person I use to be. He is living in a fantasy world, that was high school. You can't go back, you can only go forward. You need to sort these things out in your life. You will always have a special part in your heart for him. But this is now! Good luck.

[Jake2008]

Rose, when you feel the need, post! I think that you are very much thinking straight, and heading toward that old fork in the road. Have faith in yourself, take your time walking that path, and when you have to decide which way to go, you'll be ready.

[Rose1994]

It's been a couple of weeks since I've been on here - and I hope you guys don't get sick of hearing my story - but here's an update for you...

I've been working hard on my marriage lately, once again trying to put my feelings for the "first love" out of my mind - and to some degree it has been working. The holidays made it easier because my husband was home a lot more, and so we got to spend a lot of time together. My feelings for my husband are still the same though. I feel like there is this wall between us, part of it he built and part of it I built. We get along well and have a lot of laughs in and amongst all the stress we endure from his parents, and financial stress from the economy (yes we have been hit hard as well by the current state of the economy). We are more like best friends than lovers. We like to laugh together, but there is a serious lack of intimacy that I really feel that I need. Is this the way marriages that are 13 yrs old are supposed to feel? It's been months since we were "together" and he doesn't seem to mind. I want to feel the way a wife is supposed to feel - sure that she married the right man and totally in love with him, and only him, like the vows said "forsaking all others".

What's prompting me to write here today is that last night I had a very realistic, intense dream of my first love. Every time I have one of those kinds of dreams, it sets back any progress I've made trying to forget him. Most of the dreams I have of him are not sexual, they are dreams where I am looking for him, he is always just around the corner or behind a wall or had just left and I am never able to find him. Last night's dream was different. We were in a campground of some kind (strange because I have never been camping) and I actually ran into him. We talked casually and I left, he followed me around the camp, just trying to hang out with me. We started talking about "us", and both realized that we still loved each other, so we started hugging - nothing sexual, no kissing or anything of that nature - but the kind of hug you would give to someone that you love and were reunited with after years apart.

What does this all mean? Why in the world can't I get over this man, even when I try my hardest? Am I ever going to be able to look at my husband and feel sure that I made the right decision in marrying him, and what's more, be happy with the fact that we are married? Will I ever be able to put my first love completely in the past and just be happy with the way life turned out?

If you've been reading this entire post, you know that this has been going on for 15 years. It just can't go on any longer. Something has got to give and I just don't know what. Thanks for any advice, comments, etc!

[sully123]

Rose, I think you are trying so hard to make your marriage work, and these dreams that keep on coming back is the void you have with your husband. You are heading in the right direction. Don't get bothered by the those dreams, we all seem to have them from time to time. It's all normal. No marriage is perfect, it takes a lot of work on both parts. Don't beat yourself up, about your first love. That was in the past, this is the real thing now. Continue to focus on you and your marriage to make it stronger. I think your marriage is heading in the right direction.

[Rose1994]

Thank you sully123. I am working on my marriage. At least trying. My husband still does nothing to improve it. Sort of the "fat, dumb, and happy" mentality. He knows I won't leave him so he's content with the way things are. I don't want to force the issue of needing more romance/intimacy/passion, since stresses are SO high in our house. But I feel sort of like an 80 yr old woman, past her prime and all tired out and I'm only in my 30's.

I think I'm just no longer attracted to my husband in any way. I know that's a dangerous thing. We live like roommates, it's sad but he feels more like a brother than a husband. I try to force myself to have the "right" kind of feelings about him, which results in me feeling tired, sick to my stomach, and also like I'm going around in circles since I get nothing from him.

In all my soul searching the past few weeks, I've been trying to analyze my feelings for the first love too. I know for a fact he hasn't changed much, personality wise. I've been asking myself is it the sex I miss or his friendship. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the sex, but I really think what I miss most is the friendship. Don't forget this man was my very best friend for a very long time. Truthfully 99% of the dreams I've had about him over the years have not been sexual. It's always that I can't find him and I miss him. This last dream we hugged for a very long time because we had been reunited.

I ask myself does it bother me that he is with another woman now - and the answer is no. I want him to be happy and have a great life. I'm proud of his recent accomplishments in life. I know in my heart that I will always love him, our memories, etc. but do you think it's possible to just be friends with him again? After all, I was missing him way back before all the problems in my marriage started. Maybe it's just his voice I need to hear.

[Rose1994]

Anybody out there today?

[amicon]

Trying to be friends is not a good idea.
You both have separate lives now.
You need to find acceptance with your life such as it is or work to change your marriage for the better.