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ashwinl · Dec 9, 2009, 03:23 AM

Hi everyone, I am finding myself in a difficult situation and I would like some advice on how I should go about this situation.

The story goes that I met this girl 8 months ago, at that time she had a boyfriend. We hit things of really well as we had many times in common and we understood each other. We begun communicating on daily basis, more to the more where she used to talk to me more then her boyfriend. At that time she had already expressed how she did not love her boyfriend any more, but said she wouldn't leave him because she didn't want to hurt him. As time passed her boyfriend had found out about me and how close we were and gave her an ultimatum to choose. Not expecting her to make the next move, she came clean and then broke up with him stating that she did not love him any more and she was in love with me.

Now about 2-3 months have passed since she broke up with her boyfriend, and we have not taken the next step into a relationship. She said she needed more time and I respect that, yet it seems we are in a relationship as we partake in the normal activities a couple does. Even after three months she has not taken the effort to get rid of her ex's pictures of her phone or get rid of any gifts that he had given her previously. Last week she had worn a white gold necklace which he had given her on her birthday 3 months ago, and when I asked her about it she lied at first, then admitted that it was a gift from him and then she is wearing it because she felt bad for what she did to him. She stated it was only a gift from him and it meant nothing (although it had a love heart as a pendant), I then acted in a way to disapprove her wearing it and then she told me she would take it off when she goes home. Me being me, I told her that ultimately the choice was hers whether she would want to wear it and I said when she is ready to move on then she can take it off and get rid of the other things of her ex. She just agreed with what I had said, and till now she still continues to wear the necklace.

I really need your advice guys. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing or not. I do understand that it is hard for her to move one, but on the other hand I do feel like she might not be trying to move on at all. She hasn't told me she loves me directly, but always hints that she does. I have tried to speak to her about it, and it ends up in us fighting and her saying that she would get rid of everything for me. Although I would want that I would rather she do it on her own will! Your opinions will be greatly appreciated.

talaniman · Dec 9, 2009, 04:40 AM

Why should she be in a relationship with you, when she already has the benefits of a relationship, without the commitment?

How old are you?

ashwinl · Dec 9, 2009, 04:55 AM

I am 23 years old.
So you do think it maybe better for me to distance myself from her?

amicon · Dec 9, 2009, 05:07 AM

I think you go and do your own thing and don't stay stuck not knowing what the future might hold.
Leave her to sort out her own healing after her breakup.

ashwinl · Dec 9, 2009, 05:37 AM

Thanks for your advice amicon.
I have tried several times to give her space to sort herself out, but she always seems to come back and start calling me and talking to me. I guess I should stand my ground, but at times that is hard.

amicon · Dec 9, 2009, 05:52 AM

Stand your ground,be firm,it seems this situation's running your life. Don't let it. Take control of your life instead.
Don't allow anyone to put you on their backburner.

redhed35 · Dec 9, 2009, 05:52 AM

As tal has said,she has the benefit of a relationship but no emotional responsibility...

Its up to you of course,but really she needs time to recover from her last relationship...

The necklace is only a piece of jewellery,but she was wearing it because she felt bad about what she did to him... bit of a red flag there..

My advice is to walk away,at least until enough time has passed for her to heal...

Although its hard to do,you really don't have the relationship you want right now...

She was also having a emotional relationship with you before she broke up... she may feel guilty,and you're a part of that guilt.

Justwantfair · Dec 9, 2009, 08:22 AM

You never stated how long she was in the relationship with the ex-boyfriend, but she really hasn't taken anytime to heal.

I agree your best option is not to be the available rebound relationship. Step out of the picture and give her time to handle all of her emotions, as she is not doing that with you by her side.

artlady · Dec 9, 2009, 08:43 AM

She has not had an opportunity to enjoy her single status,going from one guy to another.

I am sure your presence is a big comfort to her and has been said, she is reaping the benefits of a relationship without commitment.

Did you have a discussion about expectations prior to her break-up? Do you have realistic expectations for this relationship?

Has she made promises to you that she has not honored?

Did you think she was going to be able to shift gears with no break in between?

I think you are pushing for too much too soon and agree with the others that you should back off.The ball is in her court.

Give her space and see what happens.

I would not ,however put my life on hold indefinitely for someone else.

talaniman · Dec 9, 2009, 09:05 AM

I agree with the others, that it will take a lot of time for her to be ready for what you want, and being around her waiting for her to be ready for romance with you, is like watching paint dry, or waiting for water to boil. A complete waste when you can be doing your thing, and having fun instead.

The only thing a person is good for after a break up, is friendship, and no strings attached.

Yes, back away, and do your own thing.