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Jason175 · Aug 21, 2008, 11:21 AM

I met this really great girl and we hit it off right away. We both just got out of long-term long-term relationships about 3 months ago. We moved very quickly and have become quite intimate (physically and emotionally) in only about three weeks time. Everything was going well until I left town for a weekend. When I came back I found out that her ex had started to contact her again and she came by my house to tell me that she was not ready for a relationship. She insisted that we remain friends even though I was not sure I wanted too. She has had abusive relationships in the past and has been incredibly honest and open with me. She has trusted me with lots of very personal information about her past that many of her closest friends don't even know about. I'm just not sure what to do because she seems like such a genuine person and I want to give her space but she still wants to hang out and be friends. The more time I spend with her the more I seem to fall for her. I have never had this strong of an emotional connection to anyone this early in a relationship and she feels the same way but it seems to have scared her. Should I just keep the pressure off and wait for this girl? Or should I move on and keep dating?

strong__dan · Aug 21, 2008, 11:37 AM

If I were you I would tell her how you feel, then back off and give her time to decide what she really wants even though its really hard otherwise you will keep having these feeling for her!!

Jason175 · Aug 21, 2008, 11:42 AM

Originally Posted by strong__dan

If i were you i would tell her how you feel, then back off and give her time to decide what she really wants even though its really hard otherwise you will keep having these feeling for her!!!

Thanks Dan, that's what I was thinking I have been pretty clear about my feelings for her. She has been open with me as well, I'm glad she came clean early on because I don't want to be someone's "rebound" guy. It was hard because when I told her I was not sure I wanted to be friends she started crying.

inertia · Aug 21, 2008, 12:34 PM

Jason I would also be wary of girls who say they were in abusive relationships. Do you know any of her exes? I've learned that some girls who say that turn out to be the abusive ones.

dream101 · Aug 21, 2008, 12:43 PM

I think she's trying to go back with her ex... and keep you on the side at the same time! She doesn't want to loose you, but doesn't want to let go of her EX! You need to be clear with her... and express your feeling correctly so she'll understand where you come from... and let her decide! And since you mentioned she's been dating abusive guys... she probably doesn't make very good decisions.. and want others to make wise decisions for her!
Just watch your back from her abusive EXes! Give her some space...

Jason175 · Aug 21, 2008, 12:44 PM

Originally Posted by inertia

Jason I would also be wary of girls who say they were in abusive relationships. Do you know any of her exes? I've learned that some girls who say that turn out to be the abusive ones.

No I don't know any of her exes. She did not really put out a blanket statement saying she was in abusive relationships. She was molested as a little girl, her first boyfriend at 13 was abusive and created a problem in her other relationships. The last guy was kind of controlling and emotionally unavailable to her. She really does not seem capable of being abusive, she has great friends, a good job, and strong family ties. It seems like she is afraid to be hurt again which from her past is very understandable.

Jason175 · Aug 21, 2008, 12:49 PM

Originally Posted by dream101

I think she's trying to go back with her ex...and keep you on the side at the same time! She doesn't want to loose you, but doesn't want to let go of her EX! You need to be clear with her...and express your feeling correctly so she'll understand where you come from...and let her decide!! And since you mentioned she's been dating abusive guys...she probably doesn't make very good decisions..and want others to make wise decisions for her!
Just watch your back from her abusive EXes! Give her some space...

So what do I need to say to her exactly? When I asked her if she wanted to get back with her ex she just said that they talked about it and she decided that she is not ready for a relationship. But like I said she was VERY insistent that we remain friends, and could not understand that I did not want to be friends because I was falling for her.

N0help4u · Aug 21, 2008, 01:01 PM

You need to just ask her what she sees as far as a relationship with you just friends, more than friends or what. Get to know her better but don't let yourself get too far ahead too fast in case she really isn't looking for a serious relationship with you. Right now she may even not be sure what she wants and if you sound like you want a serious relationship NOW it may scare her off.

inertia · Aug 21, 2008, 01:03 PM

Originally Posted by Jason175

So what do I need to say to her exactly? When I asked her if she wanted to get back with her ex she just said that they talked about it and she decided that she is not ready for a relationship. But like I said she was VERY insistent that we remain friends, and could not understand that I did not want to be friends because I was falling for her.

See though. She wants you to give her what she needs without giving you what you need. She sounds like the controlling one to me. I'm speaking from experience. If you give in to her it will set the mood for your entire relationship. I'm saying this because you don't want to be just friends.

Jason175 · Aug 21, 2008, 01:08 PM

Originally Posted by inertia

See though. She wants you to give her what she needs without giving you what you need. She sounds like the controlling one to me. I'm speaking from experience. If you give in to her it will set the mood for your entire relationship. I'm saying this because you don't want to be just friends.

So what should I do, or what do you recommend?

inertia · Aug 21, 2008, 01:14 PM

Give her space. Live your life the way you were before you started talking to her. Be there for her but not all the time. Let her work out whatever issues she needs to work out. If she can't handle that and decides to find someone else then you are saving yourself a lot of heartache.

Jason175 · Aug 21, 2008, 01:17 PM

Originally Posted by inertia

Give her space. Live your life the way you were before you started talking to her. Be there for her but not all the time. Let her work out whatever issues she needs to work out. If she can't handle that and decides to find someone else then you are saving yourself a lot of heartache.

Thanks inertia, I'll just leave the ball in her court and I guess her actions will tell the truth. I guess I'm going on some more dates,*sigh*. :rolleyes:

dream101 · Aug 21, 2008, 01:25 PM

Originally Posted by Jason175

So what do I need to say to her exactly? When I asked her if she wanted to get back with her ex she just said that they talked about it and she decided that she is not ready for a relationship. But like I said she was VERY insistent that we remain friends, and could not understand that I did not want to be friends because I was falling for her.

If you are ready to be there for her as a friend... eventhough she decides to go back with her EX... then do it!

But if you're not, then you need to tell her that... the same thing you said earlier... u cannot be just her friend because your falling for her! And c what she says... if she does not appreciate that... then you need somebody more sure about their plans.. and loves you more than that!

Good luck! :)

inertia · Aug 21, 2008, 01:41 PM

If she does get back with her ex and you decide to stay friends, be wary of her calling you crying about how awful he is. It will be hard to listen to and she might play you two against each other. Speak the truth, don't enable her.

Jason175 · Aug 21, 2008, 01:47 PM

Originally Posted by inertia

If she does get back with her ex and you decide to stay friends, be wary of her calling you crying about how awful he is. It will be hard to listen to and she might play you two against each other. Speak the truth, don't enable her.

Wow, sounds like drama oh well I don't think it could ever be as bad as my last girlfriend. I'm really not interested in fighting with her ex or chasing her down. I tend to see the good in people and am kind of a "care taker" so I guess we will see what happens.. .