[Fixer12]

I have been with this girl for almost 10 months now. I am 21 and she is 20. Things with her and my brother have been hard because they do not see eye to eye. She and I have been fighting and argueing a lot lately. (for the past month almost). We are both in an internship and at the beginning of the year we both move back home. (which will be over 1000 miles away from one another). I care about this girl a lot and I am recently having to choose driving up with her and then flying home to my home town a couple of days later, or flying out from here. Recently I am very unclear about what I should do.

The reasons we have been fighting is because she has a hard time trusting me because of things that have happened in her past. (exboyfriend cheating on her, and even abusive relationships with her dad. I have reassured her that I am not those guys and I will not cheat, or drink heavily all the time. But I am 21 and I would like to drink from time to time. She had helped me out with issues in my last relationship but it now seems that the tables have been turned. She needs to hear from me (texting or calling) constantly. I have been able to get her OK with me going an hour, but nothing more. She thinks that in a relationship we should always been talking. Idk know why, but I do not agree. I have a hard time standing up for myself because she finds ways to make things seem like they are my fault, or I feel bad and stop fighting.

We have very little time together because of our scheduals and when we are together we are trying to make things better. I do not want to hurt this girl, but I feel like I cannot stand up for myself or do what I want to do. She has been trying very hard to get over her insecurities and when I get upset and tell her I can't do it, she makes me feel bad saying that she helped me with mine. I want to be with her but I also need to be my own person, and I need the way she is treating me to stop, but I do not know how to help her. Can anyone please help me?

[jaime90]

I have done a long-distance relationship for a year before. And it is clear to me that your girlfriend is not ready for a relationship right now. She has so many insecurities and is very needy, which are two of the deadliest sins of dating. She also has trust issues- and because she does, in my opinion, this relationship will not last- especially since it is long-distance. It takes a lot of effort to make long distance work... She is not willing to let you be yourself, which is what you need in order to gain some self confidence which leads me to my next point: It also seems that you are not ready to be in a relationship either- having boundaries, knowing what you want, where you draw the line, and having self-confidence is very important. You cannot stand up for yourself and let her know how you feel, which is not good at all.
She is not on the same page as you. If you do not want to hurt her, take a break, or break-up. Both of you need to sort out your own issues past and present before you come together as a couple. You can help her by taking a break, or breaking up before things get worse and you or her end up miserable. Neither of you are ready for a relationship.

[Fixer12]

The thing is we have already been dating for about 10 months now. Physically together, and will start doing the long distance at the beginning of the year. I want to help her overcome these fears and insecurities, but I don't know how.

[jaime90]

Before you continue with your relationship at the beginning of the year you should ask her if your relationship and closeness as a couple is based on physical presence... If it is, you need to change that. Don't ignore the elephant in the room either- there is a good chance that she is worrying about you leaving consistently (my fiancé is leaving in January as well and I will not see him for a month-) the worst thing you can do is to not talk about it. So tell her to be open and honest... Get together a calling schedule- not to over-structure your life, but so that you both have something to look forward to. This could mean you will both call each other as soon as you go to bed. Begin a book together and read the same chapter as her every night while you are away- it is very comforting to know that you are reading over the same words that your partner has that night. The Bible is especially helpfull- start reading it together. Read about what love is- keep each other connected so that you both will feel involved with what the other did that day. But as said before, it's good to keep a calling schedule- especially since she tends to call a lot. Assure her that your love can span any distance... Most couples cannot handle long-distance, so if you can overcome this, you will both be stronger and remember: absence makes two hearts grow fonder... The longer you are away, the sweeter your reunion will be.

[Gemini54]

There is only one person that can help her get over her fears and insecurities, and it's not you. It's her.

It's not your role to be her counselor, she may have helped you with some of her issues, but that doesn't mean she can now project her fears and insecurities onto you and expect you to deal with them.

You are already feeling dis-empowered by her expectations of you. You're also feeling overwhelmed by her demands and by the fact that you feel you can't do anything right.

This is not healthy and she is in fact trying to control you by making your inability to deal with her problems your fault.

Stop arguing with her. Let her know that you care about her but that you're not her counselor. Tell her that her lack of trust and anxiety are her issues, and if she wants to have a good relationship with you then she needs to get help for her own problems. Tell her that you will support her, but you don't have the skills or experience to help her.

Stand up for yourself quietly, without argument. I suspect she won't like it, but you already know what YOU don't like in the relationship. Stop trying to defend yourself and let her know that she will feel much better if she takes responsibility for herself.

[Fixer12]

Thank you. I know that you are right. I try and bring these things up to her, like the calling schedule. I have explained to her that I will always call her every night. But I do not want to be on the phone or texting all day everyday. She feels that as her boyfriend I should be texting her at least once an hour. Idk how to argue with that kind of attitude though. I have been in a long distance relationship in the past and the texting and phone calling tied me down and had me watching my life go right by me. I tried explaining this to her as well, she tells me that it was with a different girl and it wasn't nearly as far apart as she and I will be soon

[Fixer12]

Thank you Gemini. I agree. I try and explain that to her and she claims that she is trying. Let when I still go out I still get the feeling from her like I am doing something wrong, or if I come back later then she wanted, it becomes a problem. Or if I don't text her enough, or it isn't convenient to her schedule

[jaime90]

I would like to add to Gemini's post and hopefully they agree with me-
If you DO have the ability to help or reassure her in any way, be sure that you do so. Asking for help, getting reassurance, and being able to be honest with how you feel is something that you should be open between you and your significant other. If your help to her is letting her know that she should seek the help of a counselor or trusted friend, then let her know. As I said in my first post- these are things that you need to work out individually.
I disagree with Gemini that she is not the only one who can help her with insecurity... As her boyfriend, your opinion is more than likely valued by her, and so is your advice. Since you are such a great influence on her, you can HELP her in defeating these insecurities, but she needs is the one who needs to act.

Thinking that your boyfriend should be texting or calling every hour is completely distorted- these are things that she needs to work on herself. You are NOT required to do this for her... If she cannot handle a long-distance relationship without a text every hour of the day, then she has no business being in a relationship that is heading toward long-distance.

[Fixer12]

I agree with you on the texting part. I am hoping that she will change her ideals on this but when I do bring it up to her like I have in the past she doesn't always agree. She claims that's how it should be, and I tell her no. I know that if she continues to act this way I will not be able to be happy in this relationship and have to break up with her

[jaime90]

Fair enough. I agree that if she continues with this unhealthy thinking, you will need to leave... You do not deserve a girlfriend that is so needy- by separating yourself from her, she can move forward by learning more about independence, instead of relying so much on you and being so insecure. Perhaps a long-distance relationship is just what is needed, to challenge her and her insecurities.

[Fixer12]

I agree. I just know that if we broke up it would be a horrible mess. And pretty much crush her. It's hard

[Gemini54]

Hi jaime, re your comment...

I disagree with Gemini that she is not the only one who can help her with insecurity... As her boyfriend, your opinion is more than likely valued by her, and so is your advice. Since you are such a great influence on her, you can HELP her in defeating these insecurities, but she needs is the one who needs to act.

... it's up to the poster to decide what he wants to do and how to proceed, not up to you to push your point of view.

Remember, it's up to HIM to make the choice, this is what this site is about.

[Fixer12]

Well one of the things I am afraid of right now for example... while she was at work I changed my wallpaper of my computer from a picture of her (that had been on there for about 6 months now) to just a space picture I found online... I know when she comes home she will freak out on me and get upset. Then she will go home and change hers... and it will start more drama... I don't know what to tell her about this

[Fixer12]

My current girlfriend and I have been together for almost 11 months now. We met at an internship, and have been here ever since. We both leave in 2 weeks to move back home to our real lives. Which will change to a long distance relationship.

Currently we fight all the time, I can't do whatever I want whenever I want too. She has insecurities about her past that she lays out on me (such as drinking) so I can never do that because she would get very upset if I went out with my friends for a few drinks. She doesn't get along with my brother because he knows a secret about her that I had told him one night because she had broken up with me that night, so I told him everything because I was hurt. Even in spite of it being christmas she won't spend time with him even if we are able to find time to. She claims "i hurt her to much by telling him a secret and i don't want to see him until i am ready." And this happened almost a month ago.

She also get's upset if I talk to any other girls or add old friends that are girls on my Facebook or something.

Right now I am supposed to be going home with her in 2 weeks to help her on the long drive home, and then fly out from there to see my own family about 5 days later. My father (who is paying for the ticket) told me if the price difference between flying out from where I am at now, and her home is to expensive, then I will have to fly out from here. I told her I need to do whatever is the cheapest because my parents both got laid off 3 weeks ago, and I need to help them out. She just told me she will work more and pay for it herself, and I don't want that.

I told her this last night and it started a huge fight which turned into us complaining about everything else in the relationship. Such as my family, how I act, us breaking up... etc.

I have not been happy in this relationship because of how we fight everyday. It is wearing me out and making me feel miserable all of the time. She seems to be miserable too. I am not wanting to break up with her because of the holidays and it will be the first christmas she and I will have spent without our main family (even though I have my brother here). I have been telling her for months that I will drive home with her, and even once I told her I wasn't going to be staying very long, she got upset about that as well.

I have been planning on breaking up with her once I actually get back home if the fighting continues and I feel like I still have to watch every step I take. Before this happened we were doing a lot better and actually spending good happy time together. I am just tired of fighting everyday and getting treated like I am 15 years old again.
I don't want to break up with her here because if I did she would pack up and leave the internship after working for a year to complete it for nothing, and we only have 2 weeks left. I have thought about breaking up with her right before I got on the plane and saying I can't do the distance but she is the type in general that will call me 234 times until I talk to her. That one night we had broken up she called me and left 16 voicemails from turning off my phone for one night!

Can anyone please shed some advice on what I should do? She is not a bad person and I do love her, I just feel like I deserve to get treated better.

[talaniman]

I read the whole thing and it sounds like the same girl to me so merging his threads is what will happen.

You both have been through enough and a well deserved break has been coming for a long time now.

It may be messy, and no doubt emotional, but that's the way it is sometimes.

I refer you to your own signature,

"Yes change is scary, but it's also inevitable. It's up to you to make the best of it. It's not like opportunity is just going to fall into your lap." JD - Scrubs

This is a move that you want to make, so get it done, and disappear so you both can heal and grow beyond this.

You tried, and it just didn't work.

[jaime90]

You've been through a lot, and I agree that it's time for the drama to come to an end.
Do it as quick and clean as possible. Tell her it's over, and RUN!

[amicon]

If breaking up is what you want do it with dignity and respect and go NC and get your life back on track.

[Gemini54]

If she's going to create a drama because you changed the wallpaper on your computer, then it's time to move on. It's not working. At all. Why would you stay with her?

You fight, she doesn't trust you, she doesn't like your brother, your friends, your family, she stalks you if she can't contact you. A long distance relationship with this person is out of the question - no way they could cope!

She's insecure and needy and worst of all she's controlling. You said it yourself - you don't feel like you can be yourself when you are with her.

Firstly stop fighting. You're making it worse by constantly fighting with her. It's real easy. You just shut your mouth and you don't respond.

Secondly, tell her that you don't want to continue to be in a relationship with her. Don't argue - just tell her. Yep, it's going to be hell, it's Xmas and she'll turn it into the end of the world. I don't know when is the best time, you'll have to be the judge of that. Sooner rather than later is best!

Finally, get a new phone number and tell all your friends and your family what has happened so that can support you. You'll need to go no contact and stick to it. Be prepared to be bombarded.