[outlawneeler]

I was the original poster for the thread I am in love with my husbands best friend what do I do. I do apologize for not being more forward and telling the whole story in the beginning but I felt that was the best way to get anyone to see how I truly felt. I came asking for advice not to be judged on my views and beliefs.

Thank you to all who actually gave me advice on what I had posted... When I was disclosing my true feelings in the end there it was because I was actually a little ashamed of myself and very upset on how my life was going and wanted advice on the whole situation... But in the end I wind up being completely bashed on my relationship views and how I truly felt... I am wondering if these so called experts are really experts at all... Maybe this was the wrong place to come for advice and you know what I listened to my own instincts and I am actually better off now... I am going to be with my husband for a very long time... Some of you on here who wished to make me look like an idiot probably can't even say that... So before you judge someone's character and their lifestyle... look at your own first... Also I am grateful for the real meaningful responses that were made to my questions... I thought this whole site was about advice not about making someone feel like absolute crap for asking it... You know I really don't care if I am ever on this site again... Because I see that ,some, not all of the posters on here are more experts at making themselves seem better than the people asking the questions, who actually have real issues and problems.

The whole reason I came to this site was to get advice from someone that was outside of the situation and didn't know me or my friends... But people are people if they don't think something is right then no one should based on some of these posters opinions... I guess that actually listening to myself is a lot better than asking for someone's opinion... My question is this, how can you come to this website and tell someone that they are lying, deceitful, untrustworthy, etc, without even knowing this person and the people involved in this story.. For the record, I never lyed to anyone on here... I didn't disclose everything in the beginning and shouldn't that be my right to do so... isn't it my right to tell you what I want to tell you and hope that because ,that's what this site is for, get advice from someone. I am not angry at how this whole situation was handled I am just very disappointed at some people on here who claim to know what they are talking about can make false accusations and make unethical opinions on someone's post on here.
It is unfair to be judged like that when you come here for advice... So what I am a swinger it's not the worst thing in this world to be. I imagine that the people that make those false opinions of me on here probably have cheated, will be cheated on, and don't know what real love is anyway. I have actually showed these posts to my husband a few days ago and now he understands what he needs to do to change and our relationship is better in the last few days then it ever was... Now I am reading to him what some of these posters have said and he thinks it's ridiculous for some of these so-called experts to be publicly bashing me on this internet site.

Again, I am very grateful to anyone who listened to my question and gave me advice on my question, and NOT advice on how I should live my life, how being a swinger is horrible, and instead of giving me advice gave their opinion on my personal character...

If you want the truth don't go to a site asking for advice, I learned my lesson, be truthful with yourself and others and you'll get your answers on your own. I know now I should have just listened to myself in the long run and never came on here... In the end if you do go on here asking questions you'll probably get someone's uneducated opinion that doesn't mean hoopla... I am not saying everyone on here is not good at giving advice but the chances are slim that you will actually get someone who listens to your story and gives you the advice that you need...

[Alty]

What you have to remember is that we're all human. None of us claim to be therapists, all of us base our advice on what we know or what we feel.

When it comes to relationship advice you're going to get advice based on the persons beliefs, their feelings, their relationship, their life experience. If someone is religious and you're telling them that you cheated then you can bet that you're going to get advice based on that persons beliefs, which will include all the bible scriptures that are relevant to your situation.

There are parts of this site that are black and white, but the relationship forum often isn't, especially when it comes to marriage and going outside of your marriage.

You get the good, you get the bad, you get the borderline nasty. Again, human beings, that's what you're dealing with.

If you really look deep you'll realize that you have opinions on things too and that your thoughts won't always mesh with someone else's.

As the person posting the advice that's given is yours to either listen to or ignore. I know it's not easy to read things without taking them personally, because you are human too. The thing is, none of us know you. We base our responses on what you've told us and what our experiences are and our beliefs are.

Stick around. It really is a great site. :)

[hazee]

I have to agree with you I posted a problem tonight looking for some advice and now I'm left feeling even more quilty than before :(

[Alty]

i have to agree with you i posted a problem tonight looking for some advice and now im left feeling even more quilty than before :(

Read what I wrote above.

Let me try and put it into perspective.

If you ask a question about mating rabbits, well, there's a very black and white answer. I can give you the pros and I can give you the cons. I can tell you not only what I know is a fact but what I've learned in owning rabbits. None of my answers will be guesses and none of them will be based on my feelings, just the facts.

Now, if you post about abuse, well, that's not so black and white. Let's say that you post that your boyfriend is beating you but you love him and you want to stay. I do have some facts, but they're not concrete. Some guys do change, but most guys don't. Also, I've been on the receiving end of abuse so I will most likely base my responses on those experiences.

There is no right and wrong answer, there's only opinion and opinion is based on belief, life experiences, and your own personal choices.

It's a tough forum to post in. It's often hard to listen to the responses without feeling personally attacked.

I can tell you that the majority of the people posting here, the experts, well, we've seen it all, heard it all and well, we base our advice on not only our experiences but the posts of others before you.

If you have to answer 20 posts about teens thinking they're pregnant because they had oral sex and then the 21st comes on, talking all in chat speak, only 14, well, sometimes your emotions, your anger, your desperation to make them understand, well, it comes through.

Human. Just like you. ;)

[sandalwood7]

I think that we should all give the best advice we can give to another person. It should come from a place within us that genuine and wants to help others. Of course the advice will differ from every single person, based on their background,culture, world view, life experiences and religious beliefs.

I don't think however, that any of us should EVER be judgemental of another person. I don't mind what advice I get,even if it is against my beliefs,aslong as the person giving the advice has a genuine desire tohelp. We should always remember that other people also have different beliefs and world views and that we have VERY limited information about the person asking the questions.

We should also remember that it can take some time and understanding for a person in a difficult situation to understand their situation, face up to it, (the reality), think through it, and come up with a good decision,and act on it. WE SHOULD ALL BE UNDERSTANDING THROUGH THIS PROCESS and not get angry when people have difficulties understanding/thinking through or need time. Sometimes I think we can allbe quick to judge another person, but let me tell you... someof the things I have hadto deal with in my life, I never would have thought were situations I would have to deal with.It doesn't matter how intelligent or rich or educated any of us are, we are all humans. We all have the same sorts of problems regardless. In fact, as humans we have more in common with other people than not.

Enough said.

[outlawneeler]

Thank you for your responses. And I have to agree with you on what was said above... If some of the posters on my original question had just given their opinion, no matter how harsh, in a desired way of helping. I would never have taken it in such a bad way... Some of these so-called experts insulted me on my beliefs and if that isn't judgmental then I don't know what is. I do believe there are good, sensible minded people on here... I guess I will just have to overlook the experts... lol..

[Alty]

WE SHOULD ALL BE UNDERSTANDING THROUGH THIS PROCESS and not get angry when people have difficulties understanding/thinking through or need time.

That's often easier said then done. I'll be the first to admit that I often lose patience, especially if the person posting the question become argumentative or just refuses to even listen to the advice given.

someof the things I have hadto deal with in my life, I never would have thought were situations I would have to deal with.It doesn't matter how intelligent or rich or educated any of us are, we are all humans

Well said, and I completely agree. I've dealt with more in my 39 years then most people. Because of that I do give good advice, but I'm also harsh when I think it's called for. Some people really do need a wake up call. Coddling someone doesn't always work. Sometimes a swift kick in the arse is exactly what is needed. I can be harsh but I am usually also very quick to forgive and to realize that the person in question needs more then just harshness, needs a friend more then he/she needs advice. The thing is, I often forget that people the newer people on this site don't know me, or what I'm about. I guess I do have to remember that. It's not easy though.

Just a side note.

I came to this site because I had a question of my own. I got into a few fights with people I didn't agree with, I left for a few months. Then I got an email asking me why I hadn't been back for a while. I decided to check up on the status of my questions.

I got to know a few people. I started chatting with a few people off line. A few of them became friends, in the very real sense of the word. Three months ago I lost one of those friends, a lady that went by the name of Starbuck8 on this site. She was an alcoholic. No one knew, not even me, even though we talked on the phone every single day.

This place is great. I've belonged to other sites and I can honestly say that this is the best one that I've ever encountered.

The people here are genuine, caring, helpful people, but we do a lot. There are over 600,000 members on this site. That's a lot of questions. I've answered over 8000 of them, you've answered 57. No, that doesn't make me better then you and no, I'm not bringing it up to show that I have more experience. I am bringing it up because at 57 posts you have yet to see or hear the things I have on this site.

Give it some time, then maybe you'll understand the experts and long time posters a bit better.

Get into your first big fight because you know you're right ant the OP is not willing to listen, threatens you with death, says he's going to kill his girlfriend because he wants her, needs her and you're telling him it's over, and then maybe you'll understand why we are careful and sometimes a bit cold.

Yes, that's happened. He comes on every few months just to repeat his death threat. FYI, the girl that he's stalking, wants to kill, has had to change her name and move out of the country because of him. He comes here to taunt us, to tell us that he'll find her and kill her and there's nothing we can do to stop him.

There's also the lovely (sarcasm) 20 year old that asked for legal advice because he paid for a 13 year old girl to come to California so he could have sex with her.

The FBI intervened and now he's in jail.

That's what we deal with every day. It gets to you.

[Alty]

Thank you for your responses. And I have to agree with you on what was said above... If some of the posters on my original question had just given their opinion, no matter how harsh, in a desired way of helping. I would never have taken it in such a bad way.... Some of these so-called experts insulted me on my beliefs and if that isn't judgmental then I don't know what is. I do believe there are good, sensible minded people on here... I guess I will just have to overlook the experts... lol..

Don't overlook the experts, really, we do our best.

Please read my previous post, maybe then you'll get a better understanding.

I honestly don't remember if I posted on your thread about your love for your husbands best friend. If I did I don't remember what I said. I know I would have based it on what you told us and on what I feel. I may have been harsh because I can see myself reacting that way just by the title of your thread.

The thing is, you don't know me or why I responded (if I did) the way I did.

A bit of background on me.

I was molested from the time I was 5 by my cousin. I was raped when I was 18. Because of these experiences I didn't have a lot of trust and I didn't give a damn about myself. I let guys use me, and I used them right back.

I cheated on almost every guy I dated.

At the age of 19 I met this guy at a bar during my friends birthday party. She knew him. We hit it off, I drove him home that night. He never even tried anything with me. What a dork! ;)

Well, 19 years later I'm married to that dork. I've been married to him for 14 years and we've been together since we were 19.

I tried to run him off. I tried to keep him from getting in. I was mean, I was nasty, I did everything in my power to make him walk away. He didn't.

I found love the hard way. I never thought I would. Now I hold love dear, maybe because I had to work so hard to accept it, to find it, to hold on to it.

We have 2 beautiful children together, we're happy. I do wish he'd pick up his socks every once in a while and he's one of the messiest people I know, it would be nice if he'd change that, but, I wouldn't change a thing about the love we have.

We work at it every single day, but the rewards are worth it. We're a family and that's the way it's going to stay.

Am I ever attracted to other guys? You bet I am. I'm human. I'm not ugly so guys do approach me. The thing is, I'd never be able to live with myself if I ever acted on any of those attractions.

More info on me. Both of my parents died in 2001 of cancer. I'm an only child. My son was not quite 2 1/2 when my dad died and not quite 3 when my mom died. I got pregnant with my daughter 4 months after my moms death. I had a miscarriage that haunts me daily over 3 years ago. That baby would have been 3 on March 17, if I had carried him/her to term.

Do you understand me a bit better now?

[sandalwood7]

Very honest and open. It was very kind of you to share your experiences with us.

I just think that sometimes, things can sound condescending to the OP. WE should remember that there is a person on the other end, often in a desperate situation, who may be alone and feeling in a dark place. A harsh word can be the tipping point for someone in this situation. Just a note of caution.

I know that we are all human!

Good on you Altenweg

[Alty]

Very honest and open. It was very kind of you to share your experiences with us.

I just think that sometimes, things can sound condescending to the OP. WE should remember that there is a person on the other end, often in a desperate situation, who may be alone and feeling in a dark place. A harsh word can be the tipping point for someone in this situation. Just a note of caution.

I know that we are all human!

Good on you Altenweg

My whole life is written out on this site. Not good! ;) :eek:

One thing to also keep in mind is that we are typing, not talking. Often times things can be misunderstood because you cannot see a persons face when typing out a response or post.

I had an incident recently where someone new broke a major rule that we have, posting an email address and asking someone to contact you off line. This rule is important because we really do care about the quality of advice that people get. This question was also posted in a very black and white, not opinion, forum. We worry that someone will come along, give detrimental advice and in the case of this forum and question, it could have ended with the OP in hospital or worse.

So I requested that the OP not post her email and to keep all info on her thread.

The OP and the person that she had requested to contact her both came back with an attitude.

I didn't want to get into it, so I simply posted a link to the rules and told them to take a look at #12 (I believe it's number 12, I may be wrong).

The OP came back telling me I was rude, unkind, unsympathetic, etc. etc.

I tried to explain, like I did above, why we have this rule, especially in a forum like the one she posted in. That we were only concerned with her health and that the other poster, although sympathetic, was not a medical expert and at that time only gave advise based on her experiences, which are well and good for her medical needs, but not the OP's.

I got H.E. double hockey sticks from both parties.

Other people backed me up, not only because I was right but also because I really wasn't at all rude. I just posted the rules, but the OP took that as rudeness because I didn't say something sweet along with the link, I just posted the link. She's the kind of person that needs a lot of conversation, not just a quick post, otherwise she thinks she's being snubbed.

In the end we worked it out. My intention was never to be rude, just to post and then move on. I didn't want to go into a long explanation because I didn't have the time. Because of that, my post, my written words were taken in a way that I never intended.

Tis the world of the internet and the written word.

Sigh.

I'm not at a loss for words today apparently. ;)

[outlawneeler]

Thank you for sharing that with me... I couldn't understand all that you have been through altenweg. I never meant that all the posters on here were that way, just a lot of the people that had claimed they were experts didn't seem very informative at all and very condescending on what I had told them... Even to the point were one expert recommend printing out my posts and using it as an advertisement on how not to be a swinger... Now if that isn't crossing the line... I don't know what is... I guess that just blew me out of the water for the whole thing for a bit... But, I do feel for you on here for sharing that with us and being brave enough to tell anyone on this site how your life has been and how it's changed over the years. Thanks all of you for your help and also for actually listening to me...

[Alty]

Thank you for sharing that with me... I couldn't understand all that you have been through altenweg. I never meant that all the posters on here were that way, just a lot of the people that had claimed they were experts didn't seem very informative at all and very condescending on what I had told them... Even to the point were one expert recommend printing out my posts and using it as an advertisement on how not to be a swinger... Now if that isn't crossing the line... I don't know what is... I guess that just blew me out of the water for the whole thing for a bit.... But, I do feel for you on here for sharing that with us and being brave enough to tell anyone on this site how your life has been and how it's changed over the years. Thanks all of you for your help and also for actually listening to me...

Well now there are tears in my eyes. Darnit. Where did that tough exterior of mine go? Did someone take it? :eek:

You are very welcome.

As for sharing my story, it took me a long time to do it, but the first time I told people was on this site, a very long time ago. It's because of the people on this site that I was able to move forward, find myself, not associate myself with my past and what I thought I was, but accept who I am and why I am who I am. My past is a part of me but it doesn't define me. That's a really hard lesson to learn, but I did, and the people on this site are the reason.

Give this place a chance. I know that I'm glad that I did. I almost walked away and I can honestly say that I would not be who I am now if I had.

Try and push the bad aside, focus on the good advice. I know it's hard. Do that, take the good advice and run with it and you'll be fine.

Then, if you're so inclined, come back and pay it forward, help someone else deal with something hard in their life.

I really hope you stick around.

Oh, fyi, everyone that knows me well calls me Alty.

[sandalwood7]

Definietly stick around. There is a lot of good advice and a lot ofpeople who are wise and caring. You can also learn just asmuch by reading others posts and others answers.

Altenweg:
You are great! I have always admired your advice.
I do agree about the whole writing/internet thing. It can make communication difficult at times and it is very easy to misunderstand, take things to heart at times. When points are written down they can be taken in many different ways and sometimes can seem a lot more serious than they actually are (a trivial comment can become a major statement!) A bit like txt/sms:sometimes lack of punctuation aor absence of a smiley face/kiss can change the meaning for the person reading it! Crazy!

[Alty]

Outlawneeler (I'm giving you a nickname, Outie, it's shorter ;))

I read your thread about being in love with your husbands best friend. I never saw the thread before you started this one. It's closed now so I can't post on it but I'm going to give you my advice on this thread.

Mods, don't slap me for this. Please?

I don't think you're in love with your husbands best friend, I think that you just miss his companionship.

I only read your original post on that thread, so I'm basing my advice on that. Can I ask you a few questions?

Do you and your husband spend a lot of time together?

If not, I think that maybe you and the best friend got to spend a lot of time together when he was living with you and you came to rely on that companionship. Once you realized that he was leaving, that you would be losing that companionship, you thought that this equaled being in love with him.

Attraction is a natural thing. Heck, if you stopped finding other guys attractive I'd be checking your pulse and getting ready to pronounce time of death. It's normal.

I just don't think that this is love. I think this is friendship, close friendship, and you miss him, which is natural, after all, he lived with you, became part of your life, your family.

Don't be so hard on yourself. These feelings don't mean that you cheated. Feelings are allowed. Now, act on those feelings and it's a different story.

I think you need to reconnect with your husband. It sounds to me like you love him a lot. It's time to remember why. Time to spend some time together, even if it's just watching TV and holding hands. Reconnect, find that special something that prompted you to get married in the first place.

Having a male friend is okay. Heck, I'm still friends with my ex, we dated 21 years ago. Yes, the attraction is still there, but both of us know that there is a line that will never be crossed. I love my husband, he loves me. My friend loves me enough never to get in between my husband and me. Hubby knows that I'm always coming home to him so I can have my friend, someone that's very important to me, and it doesn't jeopardize my marriage. If it ever did then my friend would be out of luck. Hubby comes first.

If there's something I'm missing, something you want to add, I'm here.

Again, mods, don't slap me. I know that thread was closed. I also know that I'm basically hijacking this one by resonding to the other post of the OP. I'm just trying to help.

Please don't slap me silly Mods. You know I'm a rebel, but there is a cause. Really.

[outlawneeler]

Me and my husband are together 24/7 are love is awsome...
I will send you a private message disclosing it all... lol...

[Gemini54]

Look, I do understand that it's very difficult when people make suggestions and allegations about your character based on a question you've posed on this Forum.

I must admit, it was most interesting when you revealed that you were swinging, and I guess many of the posters went back and re-read your original posts, where in fact, there were clues as to what WAS actually happening.

I'm really sorry that you were offended by some of the responses, but I would like to say that the majority of the posters give their advice from their experience and their hearts.

Sure, you absolutely have the right to keep bits of your actual situation to yourself, but in this case, the bit that you kept to yourself was vitally important to the advice that was going to be given.

I suspect that many of the posters felt as if the advice they had given in good faith was meaningless in the new context, and that they'd been 'taken for a ride'. (Although I also understand that this was not specifically your intention.)

As Altenweg has already said - the 'experts' on this site speak from their own experience, ethics, training and cultures. So, it goes without saying that the responses you get will, and sometimes do, vary enormously. My sense is that this is the beauty of what this site freely offers - a variety of views and responses, some of which you may agree with, and some of which you may not.

In your case there were some strong responses and reactions, but I don't believe there was ill-will behind them. Unfortunately the advice you were seeking got lost in the mêlée after you revealed you are a swinger. I believe that if you'd posted this up-front you might have got a few disapproving responses but the majority of responses would have provided you with what you sought - meaningful, educated, compassionate advice.

Which, I might add, is what usually happens on this forum!

I really do wish you all the best, and hope that you can find commitment, trust, constancy and companionship in your relationship with your husband.

[outlawneeler]

Well thank you so much and next time I will remember that I must tell the whole story up front. I guess I just didn't know and I really felt that's how I wanted to handle it and didn't think that would be unacceptable at all... But thanks so much for the support and advice.