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broken1313 · Dec 1, 2009, 07:45 PM

My husband walked out 3 weeks ago.Said he was tired of fighting.Said he would call when ready to talk,but haven't heard from him yet. First week I called him he wouldn't answer.he took all of his stuff already.so I stopped calling him praying he would call me,but he hasn't.He said he was going to help me out with money but nothing yet.ive been a housewife for all 20 years,11 married years.he knows I can't afford the bills.all this from a man who said he loved me more than anything in this world.My family wants me to see a lawyer and start the divorce.Which I know I should do.I know I got to get out of bed and stop crying ,and try yo find a job but it so hard .I can't eat or sleep,lost 20 pounds already.if anyone else has been through this I would really like to hear your story and how you got back on your feet.thank you

Gemini54 · Dec 1, 2009, 10:43 PM

I guess the first question I would ask is what do YOU want to do?

Do you want a divorce like your family is urging, or do you want to see if there is possibility of reconciliation?

Are you able to locate where he's staying and go to see him? I think the first thing you need to do is decide if the marriage is worth saving and if not, contact a divorce lawyer. Your husband's silence is ominous, but he might just be sick of it all.

I would also suggest that it's not a good time at this very moment to be looking for work - you're crying and in no state to be speaking to potential employers. What you might be doing instead is looking at why your husband walked out - why were there so many fights and why couldn't you agree?

broken1313 · Dec 2, 2009, 05:07 AM

No I don't want a divorce ,but can't get in touch with him.he won't answer when I leave voicemail.he don't call back.dont know why we stated arguing so much,he just got really cranky over everything.thinking midlife crises.Do they ever come home after a midlife crises?thant you for your help.I really need advice right now

dontknownuthin · Dec 2, 2009, 08:19 PM

First, I'm sorry for what you're going through. You might be able to send him a letter (to work perhaps) and acknowledge what you've done or said that was wrong and let him know you're willing to work on resolving the things that are so difficult for you in the marriage. Let him know how much he means to you, and that you'd like to work on the marriage. Also let him know the practical problems you are confronting with finances, and ask if he could at the very least send you money for the bills while he takes the time he needs.

If he does not respond, go see an attorney and perhaps file for a legal separation. He has left so you are separated anyway, and if it's arranged legally the financial part will be worked out to prevent putting both of you in a position of losing your home or otherwise suffering consequences for unpaid bills.

Once things level off a bit, you should get a job but resolve your immediate crisis with your husband first. You might even leave him a message that you are filing for a legal separation out of financial necessity, and to preserve your marital assets and your shared credit, but that you want to stay married and work things out - that you don't know what else to do since he won't talk to you. Then at least he will know that you aren't pushing for a divorce.

Take care and God bless you!

Fr_Chuck · Dec 2, 2009, 08:24 PM

1. if there are any joint bank accounts see if there is any money left and take it out

2. decide what you don't have to have.
Cable TV, high speed interent,

3. start cutting down other costs, lower heat, turn off more lights

Go and get public assistance, food stamps, help with electric bills , everything you can.

Get an attorney and file for at least legal separation if not divorce and ask for support

broken1313 · Dec 2, 2009, 09:59 PM

Thank you all for your advice .I have written him a letter and took blame for everything even though it wasn't all my fault.in the letter I begged him home,everyone says that was a mistake ,never beg anyone.I also asked for money in the letter but haven't heard from him.gave letter to him 9 days ago.I don't think he's seeing another girl ,my best friend is my sister in law.and she says he's staying with his mom.but made up my mind not going to call or write anymore.tired of begging.I love him so much but don't really want to be with someone who don't love me.thank you all

Jake2008 · Dec 4, 2009, 01:07 PM

All I'm getting from this so far, is you two fought a lot, he left, and you want him back.

Can you narrow that down a bit? What was the nature of your fighting, and how did you resolve issues.

Are there any addiction issues going on, infidelity, job loss, physical problems, etc.

Fighting does not usually involve one party just up and leaving without feeling they have a cause.

What do you think that might be.

broken1313 · Dec 4, 2009, 03:40 PM

Most fights were about me wanting him home more,we never get to see each other during the week cause he works so much.on weekends always made plans without me fishing hunting or whatever he decided he wanted to do.yes when we fought I would drink a lot and he didn't like that.Good news he finally came home last night and brought me money he did tell me he loved and missed me but still needed more time.Im just confused one day ready to go see a lawyer next day think my marriage might work.But part of me feels if he loves me and misses me he should be here for us to try to work on this.talking once every two weeks just is not going to do it.Again thank you all for the advice

Jake2008 · Dec 4, 2009, 04:46 PM

Why don't you consider marriage counselling. That way, both of you will the impress the other with wanting to do something concrete to actually make changes.

I can see where lonliness, and being second fiddle to his need to do his own thing without you, would grow into resentment. I know it sure would with me.

On the other hand, if he really doesn't understand why he can't do what he wants, or, understand how you feel about it, he will feel pressure and resentment.

It is soooooooo easy to drift apart. It is important that the two of you reach some common ground before the distance is just impossible to close.

Nothing major, just learning to communicate without fighting, and listen without judgment. A third party will be able to understand both of you, and help you put the truth on the table, so you can re-build.

It isn't easy, but it is a better alternative to what you have now, and that is to essentially not make any changes, and doom your relationship to the same conclusion down the road.

Think of it as an investment. Start the process, get the information in place, and see what you can do with it to make it pay off.

You have nothing to lose.