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lisa27 · Nov 24, 2009, 10:31 PM

Guys I am really losing my mind.I am getting weaker and wearker.a girl I know called to tell me she sow my ex and his baby mama where together in the shopping center with there baby.I was so devastated I can't believed he is shopping with her.he convenced me that he will never with her and he hate her.how come he is shopping with her in the weekend?I cried hard and called him why he lied to me about her.and he answer me in very aggressive way to tell me,she has my child and I will not leave my child.and he hangup the phone on me.and I am so depressed I did not sleep the whole night long.I cried a river for my sad self.I don't know how I am going to be to strong over this situation.I hate his baby mama,I hate to lose him for her.I can not emagin seen them together.how can I make myself accept they have something speacial(child)together.I don't kow if I can go on like this.I have a lot of anger.after 2 hours I supposed to go to work.But I can't my mind is dying.NC is not working for me.I want him back.what can do to have this man in my life.. I know I said a lot about been abused by hem.But trust me I rather be with him than I live with feeling I have. Help I am trying my best but it is not working.and most kills me the jelouse over his baby mama.because she was my worst enemy and if he leaves me for her,then I will die 100 times. Get me back to my mind.thank you

lisa27 · Nov 24, 2009, 10:44 PM

Adding to that I will not be so depressed if he is leaving me for onther girl.but if he left me to be with his baby mama,I think I rather die than living.knowing that she won him back for me.I hate this woman and she feels the same about me

Cat1864 · Nov 24, 2009, 11:06 PM

This going to be harsh.

Stop the self-pity party. Dry the tears and hold your head up high. Don't let him get away with convincing you to hurt yourself for him. He isn't worth the ground under the septic tank.

NC isn't working because you won't allow it to. You keep taking his phone calls and having friends update you on what he is doing. That will just keep you in pain and hurting yourself. By the way, your last post sounds a lot like you have not been even trying to keep NC going.

He lied to you. No surprise. He was shopping with his child and the child's mother. No surprise. You confronted him and he reacted negatively. No surprise.

You need to get up and find a counselor in your area. You need someone to look you in the eyes and tell you straight to your face that trying to get him back is one of the stupidest moves you could ever contemplate in your life. You need that person to tell you that you are a billion times better off without that abuser in your life.

Wake up and realize it isn't him you want. It is to get back at her. You don't win anything if you get him back other than more abuse. Is that what you really want?

amicon · Nov 25, 2009, 12:52 AM

Lisa,stop making hatred for another person your life. I don't know how many of us here have told you the same things,he's an abuser,a cheat,a liar etc. You should go complete NC and stay that way forever.
What he does or who he's with shouldn't matter.
I too advice you to seek counselling,you need to get some perspetive on this. You need to heal and get your life back.
Take care.

lisa27 · Nov 25, 2009, 01:21 AM

I know what to say any more the pain is more than can explain.here I am sit at home and not going to work.sorry I can't say nothingi feel like throwing up.sorry

amicon · Nov 25, 2009, 01:41 AM

Seek help now,don't allow yourself to suffer any longer..

lisa27 · Nov 25, 2009, 05:49 AM

Sadly there not a such thing called counselor in my area.But every thing CAT1860 said about me not needing him back but getting back at the babay mama.. like I want revange.and make her hurt. That I believe is true.what I don't know what devel inter in my heart?all think of is her been with him.is killing me.I know it stupid to love some abuser but I can't help my heart goes wild for him.but if I try hard I can get over him.because also a lot of bad things about and that make can strong.But the craziest thing I don't want let go of him is because of her.I don't want her to live happly ever after with the man I love and fought over him with her. Don't know what kind of mental sickness I have.

lisa27 · Nov 25, 2009, 06:48 AM

Guys don't get tired of me.I don't have counslor to go to.all have is you. Help me with all my thinking.thank u

talaniman · Nov 25, 2009, 06:57 AM

Harshness Alert

Your sickness is you have been abused and need help and guidance to escape your abuser. Is their a battered womans shelter for you to go and get some much needed help? Maybe a religious leader to counsel and guide you? Find out now and get help because loving a guy who kicks your a$$ is seriously crazy.

Hating his other victim is seriously crazy also, because you, of all people, know her life will never be happy ever after, because she will get her a$$ kicked again, and again.

Whats so happy about that? You can't seriously be mad at her for getting her a$$ kicked, instead of you can you? That would be sick. Get some help now!!

lisa27 · Nov 25, 2009, 07:11 AM

Talaniman,I swear you make sense.deep in my heart I know she never happy with him.I know he is going abuse her.but maybe if she gave him onther child he will calm down maye fall in love with her?and that will drive me carzy even more. Help me I don't know what I am thinking

talaniman · Nov 25, 2009, 07:36 AM

Your next post better be about what you are going to do for yourself to get beyond this issue. Whining about her is no help to you. Stop doing this to yourself!

lisa27 · Nov 27, 2009, 03:14 AM

Hi Guys,every time I try NC my heart feels more pain,I can't imagine seen his number not answering or calling him to know what he is doing... because he keep tell me he want to be friend.we meet 2 days a go,he swears to me that he is not with his baby mama and he hate her but the reson is not with me is because every time she find out I am with you she punsh me for not seen my child and that gave me a lot of stress and he said she is a bad mother that's why I want cheak on my child every time.because her other child from onther guy is very slow and not active.because of her he is like that he says.thats why he said he want cheak on his child every time.if she was agood mother I will no worry that much for a child.but she is not that why I have to see him every time and if I am with you she will not allow me to see him.and I want go to court for that because they will give cuple day a week to see him.but only brings more problems he said.
Guys the reson I telling all this is because he want to be friend with me.can I do that?been friends with can make him in a way be in my life.may be one day I can get him back.dont surprise if I am saying stupid theing.yes he abusive and he is gentle.he is two in one.and no body is perfect.I don't know what you guys think. Help me NC is very hard to start with.Thankyou so much.

talaniman · Nov 27, 2009, 05:53 AM

Stopping contact, and leaving him alone, is hard and very difficult. Its supposed to be because you are very sick, and need to heal.

He has to get his act together also, and learn to deal with his issues, but he never will as long as you are still there. So you all lose, big time unless you can be strong so you all can survive and be healthy. That includes the children, so go through this difficult thing, and tell him to leave you alone, that's what you need to do. Bear the pain to do the right thing, or be miserable forever.

amicon · Nov 27, 2009, 05:54 AM

Lisa,reread your entire thread and try to take in the advice you've been given. Try to let it sink in. Try to face facts.

lisa27 · Nov 27, 2009, 07:20 AM

Hi guys I really thank you v.much for all the time you take to advice me,But one thing I want understand is why can we be friends?I been friend with him more than 4 years.we can be very good friends.he start abusing me when we start dating.like I said he is two in one he can be too abusive and very gentel at time.so why can't I keep his freindship?if I am losing him as aboy friend.that way I will not feel the lose of some I love.

amicon · Nov 27, 2009, 07:46 AM

There's NO magic wand that's going to turn this man into a good friend.
It doesn't matter if he's got two or a hundred different personalities, the way for YOU to find peace,balance and happiness in YOUR life is to cut ALL contact with this person ,seek counselling whether from a therapist or from your local pastor or religious leader and allow yourself to heal and move forward with your life instead of letting yourself slowly waste away pining for a man who's not in ANY way an asset in your life.

I wish · Nov 27, 2009, 07:49 AM

Originally Posted by lisa27

hi guys i really thank you v.much for all the time u take to advice me,But one thing i want understand is why can we be freinds?i been freind with him more than 4 years.we can be very good freinds.he start abusing me when we start dating.like i said he is two in one he can be too abusive and very gentel at time.so why can't i keep his freindship?if i am losing him as aboy freind.that way i will not feel the lose of some i love.

Heal from the break up first, before you think about all these questions.

You're in emotional turmoil now. Allow the emotional dust to settle, so that you will be more objective about the situation.

Constantly thinking about these types of questions will only make you go in circles and prolong your pain and misery.

Focus on attention onto something else that is more positive. Go out and have fun with friends, go see a movie, etc.

Cat1864 · Nov 27, 2009, 07:59 AM

Lisa, from what you have written, you are incapable of being just friends with him. You want to use friendship as a way to hold on to him and 'win' some part of him.

You are acting like an addict with this man and the drama that he causes. You need to let him go and get 'clean' from any influence this man has in your life. You are going to be stuck in the same place, wanting the same thing, and not giving yourself or anyone else a chance as long as this abuser is in your life.

He has lied to you. He probably is lying to you. He will lie to you. I would almost bet that if you and the mother got over being at each other's throats and sat down to have a civil conversation, you would both discover how much he has been playing you against each other.

Take off the blinders, throw away the rose-colored glasses, get out of the ivory tower and face reality. He is not Prince Charming or Mr. Right. He is a liar and an abuser and probably a cheater.

talaniman · Nov 27, 2009, 07:59 AM

You cannot be friends because you are weak for him, and will fall for his lies, and abuse, as you have done already, but it will get worse this time.

That's why you can't be friends, and you will always hope he gets better, and takes you back.

That's why you can't be friends. You still cannot see the real danger, and harm, he does you, and his baby mama, Neither of you can, as its just not logical, rational, or healthy, to want someone who kicks your a$$ when he changes from gentle guy, to abusive guy. Get this through your head as with friends like this, who needs enemies.

You can whine, and beg all you want, and I hate to be harsh, but this whole situation is very unhealthy, and things cannot go back to the way it was.

Did you ever think he says the same thing to his baby momma to keep control of her too? Well he does, because that's what abusers do, suck you in with the gentle side, and still beat your a$$, when he wants to, then he says sorry I will change, so you get sucked back in AGAIN.

Stop this madness, and insanity.

lisa27 · Nov 27, 2009, 09:02 AM

.guys your words feels like cold iced shower.the truth hurts.but where I am going to start to get over all this un imaginble pain I am sufferng since the broke up.I can't hve him as boyfriend,I can't have him just friend and can't have at all in my life.this is the man I tried so hard to keep and fought for over for him.if he can not be in my life I guess I will say good bye to happiness.I don't know I am lost complitly