[CLASSYCROATION]

I am a professional lady in her 50's who married a man of her dreams two years ago (second marriage for both). A couple of months after our marriage, I discovered that my husband had an ex girlfriend on his FACE BOOK which he lied about that he did not know. He admitted it a week later that he knew who she was. I am not insecure about myself, but asked him to remove her as I was not on it. He did not, so I did. After that our marriage has been nothing but lies on his behalf.
He has continued keeping in touch with this woman and others from his past behind my back. To make things worse this man has gone on dating and porn sites (I have proof) and when confronted denied everything. I love my husband and do not believe in a divorce. I have asked him to let go of his past contacts (all single women) and move on with our new life, but he continues contacting them especially his ex girlfriend who lives in British Columbia. He has told everyone who would listen, that he has never loved me in a romantic way, thrashes me in his emails to these women and that he wants our of this marriage. I am portrayed as the evil one, while he does not tell them what he has done. My husband uses our arguments as an excuse not to be intimate for months.
There has been 44 emails exchanged between my husband and his ex girlfriend in the last 9 months (I have proof of 3). If he had admitted knowing her in the first place and told me that he wanted to be friends with her, I would been able to deal with this. He has not admitted in keeping in touch with any of his past conquests and still denies that he is not doing anything wrong.
I NEED YOUR HELP MEN/WOMEN IN ANSWERING THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:

1. Should a married (Christian) man go on dating/porn sites?
2. Is it considered cheating by doing so and keeping in touch with other single women?
3. Do other (married) men do this and is it considered acceptable in a marriage?
4. Should I contact the his ex girlfriend and tell her to end correspondence/friendship with my husband as she is the cause of our problems or sit back and see where their communication leads to?
5. Why or do other married men keep in touch with their past conquests?
6. Why do married men/women lie to their spouse? What have you got to gain from this?
7. How do I put an end to this? Divorce is not an option as I love my husband and I will stop at nothing to prevent one.

Response or input from women/men in similar situation would be appreciated. My sincere thanks to all who respond.

Sincerely,

Married Lady

[kctiger]

You said you don't believe in divorce yet this is your second marriage. I am assuming your previous husband passed away?

I see absolutely no point in your post about why you got married, and why you should stay married. It would appear your husband has no desire to be with you and you have every desire to continue in a loveless marriage. Do you think that is a recipe for disaster?

[raquinn]

All right.
Please know that when I say this, I mean it with the most sincerity, and I do not mean to offend you or oppose you in any way, I just want you to understand the facts that you have told me.
Your husband, from what you have shown, wants out of the relationship.
And in a way I can kind of understand that, because it sounds like you are being a bit controlling. Marriage does not, and should not mean cutting off all contacts to the outside world. It sounds like your husband is a very social person and honestly, as far as I'm concerned it shouldn't matter who he talks to, ex or not. So long as it is CLEAR to you that YOU are HIS top priority, the one he loves most, the one he cherishes most, and that he doesn't love anyone as much as he loves you.
If anything I just said to you is not true, there in lies your problem.
You said he refuses to have sex with you? That's another problem. A guy who is mad but still loves you will still be attracted to you and have sex with you, at one point or another.
But you also said that he goes out of his way to make you look like the bad guy... That's not very husband like. There's a very thin line between what is accepted and what isn't. In this case, he knows it makes you insecure, is he trying to reassure you that you shouldn't be? Or is he just scowling and lying behind your back?
Also, porn is... a man's pass time. Men look at porn, women look at porn. More specifically, married men and women look at porn, there's nothing wrong with it. It's looking but not touching.
It is not considered cheating to keep in touch with single women. It's only considered cheating if he's "Looking and taking from the menu" if you catch my drift.
I'm sorry to say that it sounds like you are trying to have control over the relationship. And him doing all of these things sounds like a child's rebellion. It would be a bad idea to contact the ex, the only time you should intervene is if you found out that they were dating (husband and ex) or seeing each other behind your back.
But, it also sounds like you lack trust. Which, I can understand. You guys are not having the best communication right now. It sounds like he's being the little kid that says "I want this" and you keep on saying "No!" and taking away the kids play time.
First thing I think you should do is sit down with your man and have a 1-on-1.
If you understand that you have been trying to control his relationships with other people, tell him that, and that you apologize, and that it just makes you feel like you aren't his top priority when he is talking to other girls. And if he is willing to confirm that you are his top priority and he doesn't love anyone else as much as he loves you, let him have those friendships with other girls.
Hopefully with that you can start putting the sex back into your relationship. And don't try to control his porn. Its healthy, and very common for men and women to have their "alone time to get the job done" and if porn is his tool, so be it.
Last but not least, I feel if you can't communicate your concerns to him and give up a little on your part in trusting that you are the only girl for him,
And if he can't stop trashing you when he talks to other girls, and start treating you more like his number one,
That a divorce is definitely in order. Because it is not fair to YOU to suffer, and it isn't fair to him either.

[Gemini54]

Er, this doesn't sound like a marriage to me. Love, respect, trust, honesty, communication – all of these elements seem to be absent.

Let me get this right:

He lies to you.
He does things – like speak to other women on the internet – behind your back.
He goes on to dating and porn sites.
He belittles you to other people and portrays you as evil.
He won’t have sex with you.

And what exactly is there to love here?

You’re old enough and experienced enough to know that you can’t make another person do what you want them to do and you can’t make them change their behaviour. How are you going to force him to give all that up? The Ex GF is not the problem, your husband is –clearly he’s more interested in communicating with her than he is with you.

By all means sit down and have a long meaningful conversation with your husband about your concerns – but I suspect it will fall on deaf ears and he’ll keep lying to you.

If you don’t want a divorce you can choose to ignore his behaviour or keep snooping on him. Either way, I doubt it will bring you much joy. Of course, you could also try throwing the computer out the window on to the street. That should stop it for a while.

[Fr_Chuck]

1. Should a married (Christian) man go on dating/porn sites?

The religion has little to do with it, there are such diverse standards of christians.. They should not go if it bothers the other partner



2. Is it considered cheating by doing so and keeping in touch with other single women?

Well men can have female friends, I have dozens, even keep in contact with a old girlfriend ( were were friends first) and talk or email friends all over the world all the time.

The real issue is what they are chatting about, and why, and in the end does it bother their partner,

3. Do other (married) men do this and is it considered acceptable in a marriage?

In some marriage having a outside sex partner is considered acceptable, so it is what you consider acceptable and he has to understand and work with you. All of this needed to be discussed long before marriage


4. Should I contact the his ex girlfriend and tell her to end correspondence/friendship with my husband as she is the cause of our problems or sit back and see where their communication leads to?

She is not the "cause" and no don't talk to her, your husband can merely say no and not contact her,


5. Why or do other married men keep in touch with their past conquests?

They don't if they were merely sex flings, but if you were really a friend, talking to them a few times a year and keeping up with what is happening is not uncommon


6. Why do married men/women lie to their spouse? What have you got to gain from this?

They don't unless they know what they are doing is wrong


7. How do I put an end to this? Divorce is not an option as I love my husband and I will stop at nothing to prevent one.

Divorce is always an option, your loving someone that does not love you back is not Love it is being used.

[LivingLife]

1. There is curiosity every man and women has it, this doesn't mean it is wrong. Being any religion doesn't make a difference people are people. This also doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or see you as not being attractive. Just curiosity.

2. Some men can't commit to anything except their past. This is not an excuse only true. I consider this cheating if he doesn't share this information with you. That's hiding which make lies.

3. Yes I am sure other married men do in fact do the same does that make this right NO. You have two choices live with it or leave it as hard as it may seem.

4. No unless you like the drama don't contact the other one, No don't sit back and watch this happen this is your life he is messing with too.

5. Like I said before commitment to nothing but the past.

6. Nothing really except a web of lies once you tell one there are some many others in which you have to tell to cover up the 1st lie that you made.

7. Divorce is an option go leave your life. Travel the world. Meet people without getting involved. Swim in the ocean life isn't always about finding the love of your life it's about finding yourself and loving yourself!!

These are my opinions I am however only 21 years old but have been through an awful amount of pain and suffer.

Good Luck with love

[Jake2008]

I think you should add to your list.

#8 Is it considered honest and an act of integrity, to sneak into your husbands computer, read his email, delete contacts off his Facebook, and then use that information to condemn him?

[SVImager]

1. Should a married (Christian) man go on dating/porn sites?

I am a Christian man who go on porn sites, but never cheated on my wife. My wife who never go on porn sites, cheated on me.
I don't think Christianity has any pull whether a man sins or not.
Man will sin... you can't use Christianity to condemn him.




2. Is it considered cheating by doing so and keeping in touch with other single women?

No, It is not cheating... but it is playing on the edge of a slippery slope.
How about Girls night out and dirty dancing with other men, but not dancing that way with me... would you consider that cheating? It happened to me.


3. Do other (married) men do this and is it considered acceptable in a marriage?

My parents' rules are don't associate with other women (period).
It will only cause trouble later... However, in American society it is acceptable and usually the norm.. As well as divorces.


4. Should I contact the his ex girlfriend and tell her to end correspondence/friendship with my husband as she is the cause of our problems or sit back and see where their communication leads to?

NO... only because you were never formally introduce.
It would make you a weirdo and crazy person (needy and wanting control) in the relationship.


5. Why or do other married men keep in touch with their past conquests?

I don't. Most men I know don't.


6. Why do married men/women lie to their spouse? What have you got to gain from this?

Lie is a necessity in social settings.
At the level of your response, I would lie to you too. Just so we wouldn't argue over such a minor thing as Facebook.

However, the situation is bad. Partly because of his lies and then your misTrust and now Respect for one another. It is spiraling out of control.
The secrecy is where evil lures.
It would take major communication and faith from both of you to get it back.
Since Trust is gone, the happiness will go away.



7. How do I put an end to this? Divorce is not an option as I love my husband and I will stop at nothing to prevent one.

Oooo... that is hard. "You" cannot Put an end to this.
It will take the "both of you", from your description I don't think he is on board. He might be on the path of having fun with his ex... because of the "secret" and DisRespectful comments and lack of intimacy.

For my situation, when I didn't know of the affair... I saw signs of things falling apart like the "myspace", emotionally sharing with the other man, dancing dirty with other men, Girls night out, etc... The more controlling I got, the worst it got. The more questioning and misTrustful I got, the more lies she told... The more needy I became, the more freedom she wanted away from me. ONLY when it hit Rock bottom, when I had the option to leave, was I able to draw my wife back in and start picking up the pieces. My wife spiraled out of control and her guilt mismatched with reality only made her more confused.

REALLY, ask yourself "Do you really still Love Him after he cheats on you?" Is he still worth it when he hits the all time bottom? Are you willing to spend your precious limited Time on him?
There has to be something else, the root of the problem that caused him to wander like that.

Time is precious. You only get a limited amount.
You would spend yours on him... would he spend it on you?

[Devorameira]

I personally don't think any married man (Christian or not) should be on dating/porn sites and would be very suspicious about the single women he contacts.

I don't think you should contact the ex. Your hubby should be the one to break off the communications with her. Since he knows that you will never divorce him, he'll probably continue with the crap for as long as you'll put up with it.

RETHINK YOUR POSITION - YOU DESERVE BETTER!