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jetcitygurl · Nov 11, 2009, 12:09 AM

I am a divorced (2 years now) mom of a grade school child. My divorce was a painful but right decision. I left the marriage after trying very hard to make it work but the bottom line is that neither myself nor my ex could be ourselves and be with each other. For many years I lost myself and in divorcing feel I have become me again. That is not the story I want to tell. The story is that since my divorce I have had 2 relationships: one very short-term, a random meeting in a coffee shop which led to a summertime affair of a few months. The sexual connection was good but the emotions never followed. Then someone I met online with whom both the sexual and emotional connection were excellent and unparalleled by anything I had ever experienced before: the feeling of a soulmate and of deep sexual spontaneity and connection. But it was not working in the sense that he was not sure he wanted a child (mine!) in his life and while he and my son enjoyed each other, his failure to be available for both of us over a period of 1/2 year made me end the relationship. It was a painful breakup and while not as painful as divorce, more authentic in that I genuinely missed him and my heart ached. A friend introduced me to single, wonderful man. While he lives in a different city we do a good job of communicating and seeing each other semi-regularly. I adore him: he adores me and my son and we are both intellectually and emotionally compatible. But the sexual connection eludes me and I am not sure what to make of it. He is overweight and I have never experienced that before. He is also a bit of a clumsy and less experienced lover which is also a change. But he is open to suggestions, loyal and loving and he is totally available to me and my son. We want the same things in life: family and another child. Yet I am so worried about the attraction aspect. I worry that even now that I am falling in love, I find myself sexually attracted to other men. I never act on this but it bothers me as it seems counterintutiive. I am not sure what to make of it all. At times I think the current beau is the right one and the sex will grow and at others I worry I am trying to push platonic feelings (on my part) to make this work. There are doubts in other areas (I worry about his self esteem, his seeming unawareness of his weight and health, etc.) and these too may have a role. If I get remarried, I want to do it right and the doubts are upsetting: are they flags or insecurities and how do I figure it all out? I am particularly scared since I was never sexually attracted to my ex-husband and that did not end well. At that time, I had rarely felt sexual attraction and did not pay it much attention. But now that I am more open to it, I find it everywhere and wonder why I have not clearly found it with my Sweetie for whom I deeply care.

Clough · Nov 11, 2009, 01:46 AM

Hi, jetcitygurl!

I can't answer from the perspective of a woman, and hopefully women will be along to address the issues about which you're inquiring.

From my perspective, as a man, with what you wrote, it would seem that everything would be in place for a good, healthy and happy relationship that would be beneficial and potentially long-term one for both you and he as well as the involvement of your son.

If I were the man, I would think and feel that everything concerning the really important issues are okay, based upon what you've revealed here, and that the sexual thing would be something that we could work on in the future.

Just my thoughts...

Thanks!

jetcitygurl · Nov 11, 2009, 02:02 AM

Lovely thoughts Clough thank you for sharing them!

Clough · Nov 11, 2009, 02:20 AM

Hi again, jetcitygurl!

Hey, thanks! I'm just a guy whose been married and has grown kids. It looks to me like things are in place for some really good things to happen for you and yours. However, what I think that you really need is the perspective of a woman. I can only give you adivice based upon my perspective as a man.

Thanks!

amicon · Nov 11, 2009, 02:24 AM

Hi!
On the one hand its seems you are very compatible but what I see as red flags A you mention your feelings being platonic and B there s little sexual attraction on your part.
The latter definitely needs looking at as you said you felt the same in your marriage. To me that reads as something you should ask yourself as in most relationships a good sex life is a bonus.
I hope this helps a bit and I wish you well.

artlady · Nov 11, 2009, 02:29 AM

I think if there is no "spark",you can't force it and a relationship that has no chemistry is not going to be satisfying long term.

Friends,yes but to make a marriage or make a relationship thrive ,I think you need that sexual component and I don't think it can be learned or forced.

I think it is better to end it before anyone ,especially him,becomes more invested in the relationship than to drag it out in hopes that love will blossom.

I met a lovely man many years ago and I tried my darnedest and so did he to make a spark happen and I just didn't feel it.

We stayed friends for a short time after I told him it wasn't going to work out romantically and he found a woman who felt a connection with him and no one was hurt in the long run.

Everyone won in the end,no one settled and no one was cheated.

Clough · Nov 11, 2009, 02:41 AM

Hi amicon and artlady!

So, is what I'm reading from the two of you is that the sexual thing is something that's really important in order for an intimate relationship to be successful. Is that correct, or am I reading too much into what you're stating here?

I'm glad that the two of you came along here, but please remember that I have the perspective of a man, and sex to me, at this point in my life, isn't really one of the main things that "trips my trigger" so to speak, concerning an intimate relationship with a woman. But, I suppose it might also depend on what and how a person determines what "sex" might be in a relationship... To me, "sex" could mean a number of different things...

Sorry, I'm starting to digress and perhaps am getting a bit deep here...

Thanks!

amicon · Nov 11, 2009, 03:10 AM

Hi Clough-Im not saying it's a dealbreaker but something that may be a pattern in the OP s life.:-)

artlady · Nov 11, 2009, 03:13 AM

Originally Posted by Clough

Hi amicon and artlady!

So, is what I'm reading from the two of you is that the sexual thing is something that's really important in order for an intimate relationship to be successful. Is that correct, or am I reading too much into what you're stating here?

I'm glad that the two of you came along here, but please remember that I have the perspective of a man, and sex to me, at this point in my life, isn't really one of the main things that "trips my trigger" so to speak, concerning an intimate relationship with a woman. But, I suppose it might also depend on what and how a person determines what "sex" might be in a relationship... To me, "sex" could mean a number of different things...

Sorry, I'm starting to digress and perhaps am getting a bit deep here...

Thanks!

I think sexual attraction is important.To get the ball rolling,so to speak.

If,heaven forbid my BF was unable for whatever reason to be intimate,we would still have a deep level of intimacy and I would never stray or leave him because of that.

In fact,I would live with it ,sans complaint.

But... If I did not have that spark in the beginning of the relationship ,I am not sure I would have fallen so hard or fallen at all.

I realize how superficial that sounds but we connected on a very physical level and the rest came after.Fooled around and fell in love kind of a thing.

After 12 years and considering we are approaching 60 yr's.old,our intimacy has become stronger.Its not just about sexual gymnastics anymore :)

Clough · Nov 11, 2009, 03:28 AM

I knew that what I posted might cause a bit of a "spark" for discussion here! I'm just not sure that we're all here on the same "page" though. I decided to leave what I posted, though...

I do think that my level of understand about what you to mean is something that I have trouble understanding. I can see where jetcitygurl might need to pay attention to some possible "red flags" because of the way that she felt in a previous relationship as related to the way that she's feeling in her present relationship.

I'm just really wondering what "sexual attraction" or "sexual intimacy" really means, from the woman's point of view?

I really don't think that we're clear on those issues...

Thanks!

artlady · Nov 11, 2009, 03:37 AM

I'm just really wondering what "sexual attraction" or "sexual intimacy" really means, from the woman's point of view?

I think its just a closeness, a deep connection that does not necessarily involve intercourse.
It's that undefinable something that makes your heart go pitter patter when he walks in the door.
I guess its just the feeling of being in love.

Clough · Nov 11, 2009, 03:51 AM

Well, I can't just leave this with an "Ok, thanks!" response. But, you've shed some light to me as to the perspective of a woman on this. For that, I really thank you!

I too, think that sexual intimacy/attraction is something that involves a physical closeness of some kind. It is also something that's very hard to define. Perhaps that intimacy/attraction might also be equally on the mental and/or spiritual level?

Seems kind of like that we might be trying to define "love" here. And, we know where that could go..

Thanks!