Wondering how much attraction is needed for the long haul
I am a divorced (2 years now) mom of a grade school child. My divorce was a painful but right decision. I left the marriage after trying very hard to make it work but the bottom line is that neither myself nor my ex could be ourselves and be with each other. For many years I lost myself and in divorcing feel I have become me again. That is not the story I want to tell. The story is that since my divorce I have had 2 relationships: one very short-term, a random meeting in a coffee shop which led to a summertime affair of a few months. The sexual connection was good but the emotions never followed. Then someone I met online with whom both the sexual and emotional connection were excellent and unparalleled by anything I had ever experienced before: the feeling of a soulmate and of deep sexual spontaneity and connection. But it was not working in the sense that he was not sure he wanted a child (mine!) in his life and while he and my son enjoyed each other, his failure to be available for both of us over a period of 1/2 year made me end the relationship. It was a painful breakup and while not as painful as divorce, more authentic in that I genuinely missed him and my heart ached. A friend introduced me to single, wonderful man. While he lives in a different city we do a good job of communicating and seeing each other semi-regularly. I adore him: he adores me and my son and we are both intellectually and emotionally compatible. But the sexual connection eludes me and I am not sure what to make of it. He is overweight and I have never experienced that before. He is also a bit of a clumsy and less experienced lover which is also a change. But he is open to suggestions, loyal and loving and he is totally available to me and my son. We want the same things in life: family and another child. Yet I am so worried about the attraction aspect. I worry that even now that I am falling in love, I find myself sexually attracted to other men. I never act on this but it bothers me as it seems counterintutiive. I am not sure what to make of it all. At times I think the current beau is the right one and the sex will grow and at others I worry I am trying to push platonic feelings (on my part) to make this work. There are doubts in other areas (I worry about his self esteem, his seeming unawareness of his weight and health, etc.) and these too may have a role. If I get remarried, I want to do it right and the doubts are upsetting: are they flags or insecurities and how do I figure it all out? I am particularly scared since I was never sexually attracted to my ex-husband and that did not end well. At that time, I had rarely felt sexual attraction and did not pay it much attention. But now that I am more open to it, I find it everywhere and wonder why I have not clearly found it with my Sweetie for whom I deeply care.
