[JSTDS]

Back Story: I met "Stephen" when I was 17 and he was 19. I was born and raised in Europe and he was in the U.S. Army. We dated for quite awhile and had a perfect relationship... as far as young adults go. While he was overseas, his sister died. Because of his grief, the military decided to send him back to the states. He said he wanted to take me back with him as his wife (I am an American citizen as well so I wasn't looking for a free pass to the U.S). However, the next day he refused to take my calls and he refused to see or talk to me. He left the country a week later and I never saw him again. I was devastated. This was in the late 80's before the dawn of the "internet". I knew the state he was stationed in, I knew that state he was from and the names of his family and I tried to locate him with directory assistance. I was never able to find him. A few months later, I met my husband. Out of stupidity, I got pregnant and we got married. We thought it was the right thing to do but Stephen was always in the forefront of my mind. There wouldn't be a week that went by that I didn't try directory assistance in vain.

Today: I have now been married for over 20 years now. My husbandand I have 2 children ages 17 and 12. The first baby was miscarried. My husband is a good man but we were never good for each other if that makes any sense. He is wonderful to everyone he meets but can't seem to extend the same courtesy to me. I have been faithful to him since the day I married him but was never able to forget about "Stephen". With the advancement of technology I was recently able to locate "Stephen". We began to talk and our relationship blossomed. He told me that he was married and divorced and remarried. I told him I was happily married for 20 years. I wanted to have him in my life as a friend rather than lose him again. Through talking with his sisters and his mom, I was told that "Stephen" didn't love his wife the way a man should love his wife and that he only married his wife out of convenience because he had two baby boys he was raising. I am sure he loves her on some level. You don't just marry someone out of convenience. One thing led to another and before anyone realized what was going on we fell head of heels in love with each other all over again. We both agreed that we wanted to leave our spouses and pursue a life together.
We both come from a strong religious background and both consider ourselves to have extremely high morals and values. Obviously, this situation was counter to all we believed in. However, both of our families supported our decision and were behind us. We were devastated that we were going to hurt his wife and my husband in the process but knew we belonged together. We each even sought counseling for our children to make the transition as smooth as possible for them. The day he was to come get me, he called and said that he just couldn't do it. He said that he was content where he was. Not necessarily in love with his wife but content. He just bought a new home and his home life wasn't a bad home life even if there was love lacking. He said he would rather face what he knows that risk everything for the unknown. I understand and respect his decision.
My question is actually two part: We still talk to each other and the old feelings still spring up when we do. He is much better at putting on the breaks than I am. If it gets to the point that it was he just stops talking to me for awhile. I don't know if it is out of guilt or what.
1. How do I move past someone that I have thought about for my whole entire adult life? I do love him and I want the best for him forever and always but the thought of never talking to him again feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. Not only do I love him but I love his boys just as much because they are of him.

2. How do I cope with what I have done? I always prided myself on being a moral girl filled with values that would never do anything like this. I now have to question everything I thought I was.

3. Is there such thing as soulmates... people that are just meant to be together or is it just a myth?

4. Can I maintain a friendship with him without crossing the line?

5. If there is such things as soulmates ,should I continue to pursue him (even though I know it is probably the most horrible thing I could do?)?

I don't want to hurt anyone but I don't want to hurt myself either. This whole situation is just confusing to me. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[slapshot_oi]

It sounds like after the two times in your life that he's promised big and then dropped the ball, you still don't get it. You're living the fairy tale and he's set in reality. I'm certain if he wasn't married and didn't have any children, you guys would be together now, but he realizes a decision like would be overwhelming for his wife and kids, especially the kids.

Stop talking to him.

[Just Dahlia]

I agree with slapshot twice he has let you down. What happened the first time that he just left you behind?:confused:

Throw all your energy into your children and making your life happier.:)

[amicon]

Realitycheck-twice he s promised you a future,twice he ' s not delivered,the second time when your being together would have meant breaking up two families. For some reason you seem stuck in the soulmate myth of your youth-when in fact looking at his actions both then and now he comes across as a man who doesn't care if he breaks hearts.
I hope you get over him-go no contact and leave him in his contented corner.

[Cat1864]

This might come off as a bit harsh, please, just keep reading.

You may not like hearing this but you haven't given your husband a chance to love you because you haven't loved him. You have carried on a one-sided emotional affair with the ex since before you got involved with your husband.

How does your family feel about what happened? When you talked about counseling, did you mean you and the ex going to counseling to prepare yourselves for what was about to happen or did you have your children in counseling too?

I think you need to go to counseling and break off ALL contact with the ex. Don't even talk to his family or look at his Facebook/ Myspace pages.

If you haven't already, I would suggest talking with your husband and discussing what both of you want in the marriage. Be honest with each other and maybe see about marriage counseling whether you decide to stay together or not.

[JSTDS]

Thank you all for your responses. Until now, I have never even had the thought or notion that he ever let me down but now ,I can indeed see, that he HAS let me down, not once, but twice.
Just Dahlia: The first time he left Germany and never had further contact with me. I don't know exactly what happened except for the fact that his sister died and he was messed up in the head for awhile. When I asked him to explain recently he said he had no explanation. He said he didn't know why he reacted like that.
Cat - maybe you are right. Maybe I have never given him the opportunity to love me. You all are so right. I know it is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done but I am going to try very very hard to get over him once and for all and move on. Again, thanks!

[asking]

JSTDS.
Your teenage love definitely let you down twice. I am amazed that he would engage you in a second love affair and feel no need to explain abandoning you with no warning when you were 17. He was quite old enough to be responsible. And he's old enough now to give an adequate and sincere explanation and apology. He's done neither, as far as I can tell.

You can get over him because he is not a reliable person. I have the feeling that you have been much better off with your current husband all this time than you would have been with the flame. I agree with Cat. It's high time you made your husband feel loved. I recommend the Chapman books, The Five Kinds of Love for ways to think about how to do that.

Not only should you stop talking to your ex, but your goal should bet to stop even thinking about him.

[talaniman]

He seems to be trying to stay within the boundaries of good behavior, so should you.

1. How do I move past someone that I have thought about for my whole entire adult life? I do love him and I want the best for him forever and always but the thought of never talking to him again feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. Not only do I love him but I love his boys just as much because they are of him.
Basically you have been carrying a dead torch for 20 years and its time to let it go, and deal with your real life, and family. Fantasies are nice, but acting on them is not realistic.

2. How do I cope with what I have done? I always prided myself on being a moral girl filled with values that would never do anything like this. I now have to question everything I thought I was.
Forgive yourself, and leave him alone, thats what you do, and get back to reality

3. Is there such thing as soul mates... people that are just meant to be together or is it just a myth?
I think you have been building this thing up in your mind for so long, you can't tell the real from your fantasy. Your husband is your soul mate you married, this guy is the one that wasn't meant to be.

4. Can I maintain a friendship with him without crossing the line?
No, your too emotionally invested, and need to heal, and that may take a heckuva long time.

5. If there is such things as soul mates ,should I continue to pursue him (even though I know it is probably the most horrible thing I could do?)?
Absolutely NOT!!!!!

I don't want to hurt anyone but I don't want to hurt myself either. This whole situation is just confusing to me. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Then don't and deal with reality, and not fantasy. You have other responsibilities and obligations to live in a dream world that only you believe in. That stops now, as too many real people need you, like your family.

Instead of saving all that love for a guy who is content without you, give it to the ones that are only to happy to accept it, like your family.

[JSTDS]

I feel incredibly stupid that I was not able to recognize all of this on my own. It all makes such perfect sense now. I will take all this energy I have and invest it in the people that want it... i.e; mostly my children!

Thank you!

[tara1]

Even though I have been asked not to respond because of my cynical responses , I am writing here just to extend you some support in this situation, so that you can do the right thing. You seem to have had a lot of trouble and confusion in your life, and for so long. So must have your spouse. You and he deserve better.

This man is unfair to you over and over again, and you already have someone better than that - a nice spouse who has been with you and your kids for over 20 years!

Please realize you cannot control and change other people's reality. This guy has already made his decisions (For whatever reasons - good or bad) you only need to see what choice has he given you? You have only two choice now : to continue on the path you have been for 20 years - for which you already have the same result second time around, or learn from your past mistakes now.

1. How do I move past someone that I have thought about for my whole entire adult life? I do love him and I want the best for him forever and always but the thought of never talking to him again feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. Not only do I love him but I love his boys just as much because they are of him.

You should leave him alone-TOTALLY. Call your sister, or talk to your kids, when you miss him. You can make this no contact easier by first promising yourself 20 days of no contact. Extending it from there, will be a lot easier.

2. How do I cope with what I have done? I always prided myself on being a moral girl filled with values that would never do anything like this. I now have to question everything I thought I was.

You start afresh. What you went through happens a lot.

Besides, no one is as good as they think they are, we all overestimate ourselves in that department. Sometimes we need some falls to make ourselves better! Remember the age old saying - To err is human! This is your chance to make yourself proud once again, and gain control, by overcoming this past baggage.

3. Is there such thing as soulmates ... people that are just meant to be together or is it just a myth?

Don't think about such things. Now you know he has made his decisions against being with you, not once but twice! He has left you out in this situation (emotionally and socially), you don't need him even if there is something like soulmates.

4. Can I maintain a friendship with him without crossing the line?

You can't. Why even try to walk on eggshells? Why be guilty all the time? You want to focus on being proud and gaining control of yourself and your life. He adds nothing to your life - you have a spouse and kids, and your life is obviously with them now. Invest in them. If he misses you, and wants to be a friend, remind yourself that he is being selfish. He wants to have his cake and eat it too!

5. If there is such things as soulmates ,should I continue to pursue him (even though I know it is probably the most horrible thing I could do?)?

Do you really want to do that? You have pursued him for 20 years in your own way, and now he knows that, and he is still not with you. Why more??

Give yourself space and time to recover. Fill your mind with good memories of the life you have had, instead of dreams of the life you have never had, and never will.


I hope my answers make sense, I just felt like saying something to you. Take care, and keep away from your friend who will NEVER commit to you.

[jacob1208]

To an extent, I can understand where you are coming from. I have had the same thoughts of an ex just recently within the last few days and texted him. At first it started as an apology for how I felt I was towards him when we talked for the last time ever, but then again this was almost ten years ago and he is married with kids and I am married with a kid and then I found myself texting him the next day, immaturely you can say by sending something to ask him if he recognizes signs between to people and then turned around to claim that I meant to send it to someone else. I have had problems in my marriage, as he is unaware of, one of which where my husband and I were separated and he cheated on me. I really have tried everything, that was a year ago my husband did that, and yet I let him come back and have tried to work it ever since and he has other issues as well... I love my husband, I just don't like his actions and am not quite sure why I have thought about my ex here so much lately, but know it's a lost cause. Sometimes no matter what we want or how we feel, we just got to let things go. You know the saying... if it is meant to be, he will come back to you, but I doubt it dear :(