Married Woman In Love With Old Ex - Also Married
Back Story: I met "Stephen" when I was 17 and he was 19. I was born and raised in Europe and he was in the U.S. Army. We dated for quite awhile and had a perfect relationship... as far as young adults go. While he was overseas, his sister died. Because of his grief, the military decided to send him back to the states. He said he wanted to take me back with him as his wife (I am an American citizen as well so I wasn't looking for a free pass to the U.S). However, the next day he refused to take my calls and he refused to see or talk to me. He left the country a week later and I never saw him again. I was devastated. This was in the late 80's before the dawn of the "internet". I knew the state he was stationed in, I knew that state he was from and the names of his family and I tried to locate him with directory assistance. I was never able to find him. A few months later, I met my husband. Out of stupidity, I got pregnant and we got married. We thought it was the right thing to do but Stephen was always in the forefront of my mind. There wouldn't be a week that went by that I didn't try directory assistance in vain.
Today: I have now been married for over 20 years now. My husbandand I have 2 children ages 17 and 12. The first baby was miscarried. My husband is a good man but we were never good for each other if that makes any sense. He is wonderful to everyone he meets but can't seem to extend the same courtesy to me. I have been faithful to him since the day I married him but was never able to forget about "Stephen". With the advancement of technology I was recently able to locate "Stephen". We began to talk and our relationship blossomed. He told me that he was married and divorced and remarried. I told him I was happily married for 20 years. I wanted to have him in my life as a friend rather than lose him again. Through talking with his sisters and his mom, I was told that "Stephen" didn't love his wife the way a man should love his wife and that he only married his wife out of convenience because he had two baby boys he was raising. I am sure he loves her on some level. You don't just marry someone out of convenience. One thing led to another and before anyone realized what was going on we fell head of heels in love with each other all over again. We both agreed that we wanted to leave our spouses and pursue a life together.
We both come from a strong religious background and both consider ourselves to have extremely high morals and values. Obviously, this situation was counter to all we believed in. However, both of our families supported our decision and were behind us. We were devastated that we were going to hurt his wife and my husband in the process but knew we belonged together. We each even sought counseling for our children to make the transition as smooth as possible for them. The day he was to come get me, he called and said that he just couldn't do it. He said that he was content where he was. Not necessarily in love with his wife but content. He just bought a new home and his home life wasn't a bad home life even if there was love lacking. He said he would rather face what he knows that risk everything for the unknown. I understand and respect his decision.
My question is actually two part: We still talk to each other and the old feelings still spring up when we do. He is much better at putting on the breaks than I am. If it gets to the point that it was he just stops talking to me for awhile. I don't know if it is out of guilt or what.
1. How do I move past someone that I have thought about for my whole entire adult life? I do love him and I want the best for him forever and always but the thought of never talking to him again feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. Not only do I love him but I love his boys just as much because they are of him.
2. How do I cope with what I have done? I always prided myself on being a moral girl filled with values that would never do anything like this. I now have to question everything I thought I was.
3. Is there such thing as soulmates... people that are just meant to be together or is it just a myth?
4. Can I maintain a friendship with him without crossing the line?
5. If there is such things as soulmates ,should I continue to pursue him (even though I know it is probably the most horrible thing I could do?)?
I don't want to hurt anyone but I don't want to hurt myself either. This whole situation is just confusing to me. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
