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ORD8 · Oct 31, 2009, 09:47 AM

So Im 29 and me and my ex have had a weird month. So we were together for over a year, which was rocky at first but turned into something awesome... for awhile. It was rocky cause she had children, which she didn't tell me about until after a few dates. That should have been the first red flag, but I was excited and thought I could warm up to it and eventually I did. Still, I took the kids very seriously and maybe the relationship too slow.

Anyway, so she dumps me beginning of Sept cause she doesn't think I can commit cause of the kids situation. Im cool with it at the time because Im still a little unsure. Anwhow, we kept up conversation for a couple weeks until I cut it off because it was getting to me. A week later she stops by randomly, which completely made me want her back. The following week I tell her this and she says she loves me but she's seeing someone else now and wants to give it a shot. Fair enough so I backed off. So a couple weeks later after me ignoring emails, calls, texts, she emails me asking if we can talk cause she's having a tough time. I shouldn't have but I called her. Eventually we get back into talking about us and getting back together. She says she wants to take it slow. I agree. Last weekend we hung out and things were pretty normal, but then this week she says she needs to back off a little. Me, I was so frustrated I just agreed and said Im done. She then tells me she loves and I'm the one for her and asks me to wait. I said no of course.

So yesterday I was going to swing by to drop off some of her stuff she left at my place and the other guy she started dating was there. I see his car in the driveway and leave.

My question is how to handle this because she needs to know what she did is wrong. I want to be the bigger person but Im not sure how.

redhed35 · Oct 31, 2009, 09:53 AM

For me I would think that she held off telling you about her children because she wanted to get to know first.. thats the first thing.

The second is this indecision... I would suggest walking away and not making any more contact will be sufficient enough to make your point,that being,you deserve better treatment then this and will not tolerate being messed around.

As for the other guy,that's her business and nothing to do with you now.

Move on.

I wish · Oct 31, 2009, 10:03 AM

She's got a lot of baggage and her kids are her priority. So she can't only think about herself when considering a relationship.

Sometimes it's not about doing something wrong. Sometimes it's about whether you're naturally compatible together.

So it's not that you could have done things differently. Even if you have feelings for each other, you just don't match well as a couple. It happens. Accept and move forward. No need to force a relationship. Relationships should happen naturally.

ORD8 · Oct 31, 2009, 10:12 AM

I Wish... I totally agree with you and the kids are the reason I took things slow. I wanted time to see if it would work and that frustrated her, which is what caused the end. Its hard letting go but I know it's the right decision. However, she broke up with me and is seeing someone, yet she is the one trying to force the relationship or keep me around in case things don't work with the other dude. So in my view, I feel like I am handling this correctly yet she is being very disrespectful to both of us and the new guy. The biggest part of me wants me to tell her what she is doing is wrong and that she needs to not contact me at all.

akml09 · Oct 31, 2009, 10:14 AM

You don't have to tell her she did wrong. She already knows and not being crude she doesn't sound like she cares. You should just walk away and leave her alone that will hurt her more then a lot of drama. In her defense I understand why she didn't tell you about the kids. When you have kids and you are trying to date you don't want people just walking in and out of their lives. Its not fair to the kids. She also needs to realize that.

I wish · Oct 31, 2009, 10:35 AM

Don't be someone's backup plan. The two of you had your chance to work things out and it didn't work. Again, I don't think it's anyone's fault, you just aren't a good match. No harm done.

You don't need to prove a point to her that she made a mistake. She's moved on with her life, so now it's your turn. There's no need to set the record straight with her. The longer you dwell on her, the longer it will take for you to move forward.

As for her things, why don't you let someone else drop her stuff off for you? Since you're just going to get emotional when you see her new boyfriend's car. You don't need that type of unnecessary setback. Just move forward with your life, stop letting her hold you back from moving on.

talaniman · Oct 31, 2009, 08:11 PM

Do what you should have done in the first place, return her stuff, and disappear from her life.

paxe · Oct 31, 2009, 10:50 PM

The bigger man is the one who doesn't say anything and just leaves. This takes real integrity to do that, but in the end you are proud of yourself.

bswc · Nov 1, 2009, 04:01 AM

Yes I was thinking about how to let your ex or your partner learn without you telling them. This is an issue that we can't deal with, because most of the time they don't take advises as seriously from the first party.

Nonetheless, that's called being caring, but due to human nature, all you can do is just let her learn whatever it is, and the sad part is some people might not learn the particular lesson for the rest of their lives.

paxe · Nov 1, 2009, 07:05 AM

Originally Posted by bswc

Yes i was thinking about how to let ur ex or ur partner learn without u telling them. This is an issue that we can't deal with, because most of the time they don't take advises as seriously from the first party.

Nonetheless, that's called being caring, but due to human nature, all u can do is just let her learn whatever it is, and the sad part is some people might not learn the particular lesson for the rest of their lives.

So true, there is many people leading a sad life because they don't learn from their mistakes. Except if you are a really close friends, you can't say anything to them, except if they asked you.

ORD8 · Nov 1, 2009, 12:18 PM

Thanks for all of your advice. I realize now that I really don't need to say anything although a small part of me thinks I should say I know what you're doing and its wrong. The hard thing about this situation is that she keeps trying to pull me back in and says she wants to make things work. Says she loves me and can't imagine having a future with anyone else. However, I know she is seeing someone else, which in a certain way has made everything easier for me. After all, I now feel like I cannot trust her. Im just going to stick to the no contact rule and move on with my life.

amicon · Nov 1, 2009, 01:12 PM

Good decision-stick with it.

zippit · Nov 1, 2009, 01:24 PM

Little advise your 29 and dating ladies around your age I suspect,next time just in casual conversation.ask "ANY KIDS?" before you get serious.

Cat1864 · Nov 1, 2009, 03:03 PM

First, I think you need to go forget this woman and her kids because I don't think you will ever trust her again.

Second, next relationship learn not to jump to conclusions. Communication works much better. You see 'his' car and keep going. You assume that she still has a relationship with him, instead of stopping and finding out. Maybe he was dropping off her items or picking some of his up. Maybe he does think they are still in a relationship. Maybe he promised her kids something and didn't want to let them down. Maybe...

Third, a lot of mothers try to protect their children from getting to involved in mommy's dating life. They try to limit the chances of the children having a lot of "Uncles". Some don't care and those are the ones to watch out for.

ORD8 · Nov 1, 2009, 03:42 PM

I totally respect her choice not to tell me about the kids in the beginning however her reason was that she wanted me to get to know "her for her." Despite her reasons I willingly gave it a fair chance and ultimately it has not worked out. We both clearly still have feelings and she does not want to let me go in case the other guy doesn't work out. It's true that I could never trust her anymore. Like I said before it's hard to cut her off when she won't let go even though she's with someone new. I just got to stay strong and do this for both our, and the kids, sake.

123skyscraper · Nov 1, 2009, 06:28 PM

she's obv just using as back up plan. If she won't let you go, you just go yourself. She doesn't determine your decision. You guys didn't work out for reasons. Don't trust her when she says she loves you and wants to spend her life with you. If she really felt that way, you guys would be together right now. Not only are you apart, but she is dating another guy. How would you feel if you were in the other guy's position? Don't get involved in her life. Stay away, far far away. Cut off all contacts and take her out of your life. It is hard, very hard. But you need to do what's right before you get burned even more. Also, no trust = no relationship.

ORD8 · Nov 1, 2009, 08:47 PM

Originally Posted by zippit

little advise your 29 and dating ladies around your age I suspect,next time just in casual convo.ask "ANY KIDS?" before you get serious.

Yes that is good advice for the future. The funny thing is we were set up and nobody mentioned that! Also, I would have always thought that having kids is part of your identity so you would mention that from point one. You live and you learn I suppose.

Imabadman · Nov 2, 2009, 09:49 AM

You know if I didn't hear about the kids by the second date I think it would cause a red flag for me too.

I think you're making the right decision. She's making you out to be a backup plan. Screw that, walk away. No need to keep in contact from there on. If she serioulsy cared about you and a relationship with you she would have been single when she 'went back to you', not chumping you both like that. Right? Yeah...

talaniman · Nov 2, 2009, 10:14 AM

Your story is so indicative of the problems that arise when you skip the dating process, (fun getting to know each other BEFORE you commit to exclusively dating, and start getting serious) and go right into a relationship. Few relationships survive that kind of rushing in.

Too much, too fast, crash, and burn!

" Its hard when you take it by the yard, Its a cinch when you take it by the inch". author unknown.

Talaniman Rule- Dating exclusively may be your choice, but not your partners, so best to talk about it first, HONESTLY

redhed35 · Nov 2, 2009, 10:30 AM

As a single parent I have fought the urge to butt in here about the women in question not saying she had children...

Can I just say,she decided not to say anything about the kids,how I wish when I was dating that during the second date he had said,oh by the way I have hep b,I'm a drug user,I'm married,I'm broke,I'm just using you for sex and any of the 100 things we choose not to say on a second date...

I'm not condoning what she did after that,but all I'm saying is we all want to put our best side out,and frankly if your only getting to know someone its none of there business...

Should things develop well then sure..

But second date... pets names and light easy conversation.