[Violet31]

Hi,

I need help so badly.

I had a boyfriend for a while, but he dumped me and started being with another woman.

I have been trying to get over it, but the problem is, we both belong to a group of people who meet regularly. Lately he keeps bringing her to our gatherings and I have to admit it´s hard to see them kiss and cuddle in front of me and our other friends.

I tried to be nice to her, but she´s catty and keeps saying things to humilate me. I cannot stand her, but I´m not going to let her drive me out of there. What can I do?

Please help.

Violet:(

[I wish]

Don't show up to the same events until you've recovered from the break up. Otherwise, you're just inflicting pain into yourself.

Focus on healing before putting yourself in that type of situation.

[Violet31]

Thanks so much for your kind reply, but it´s a bit more complicated.

This is work related and I cannot skip the events. I should have included that in my reply. I´m not going to lose this over her, who is not even qualified. He just takes her with him each time.

I´m a University teacher and she works as a cash register in a supermarket. It took me years of work to get to where I am. I´m going to try to get to like her, or accept her, because the situation is not going to change.

How do I do that? Any advice would be very welcome.

[I wish]

Channel your energy somewhere else. Stop worrying about your ex and his new girlfriend. If it's a work event, there must be other people there. It can't be just the three of you. So focus on talking to other people. Stop looking at them.

If they talk to you, then keep the conversation as short as possible and move along. I doubt that they will follow you around all day. They must have a life of their own.

[Violet31]

I´m trying to, but it´s hard when we sit in a sofa for a few hours and she keeps cuddling him and nibbling his ears in front of me.

She tries to humiliate me and it´s very hard not to think about it.

Yes, there are other people there and they feel very uncomfortable about the situation. They try to say to him that staff only is should be at these functions but she keeps butting in.

She keeps staring at me and when I talk, she tries to cut me off. Or she says: "Why did you even come? Don´t you have a cold?"

Last week we tried to tell him we would like to be just us, the staff, no guests or spouses. She did come with him and said: "I just love to be near you all. You are so inspiring!"

Oh God, what can I do?

[Wondergirl]

Actually, I feel sorry for her. If he dumped you for her, who knows how soon he will dump her for a different girl. I would be nice to her and even get to be friends with her and thus be the best and most honorable and dignified person in this situation.

[Violet31]

I know I need to be stronger, but I´m just low right now and they are constantly in my face. It takes a stronger woman than me to beat them at this game they´re playing.

He dumped me, yes, because she was already working on him. I think she must be quite insecure because she has this constant need to gloat.

I want to be nice to her, but I´m not sure it´s the right thing to do. She tries so hard to be a valid addition to our group by baking endless pies and bringing them along. We find it embarrassing, but we have to accept to show good manners.

I wish I knew how to accept her... :confused:

[redhed35]

I think your right on the money that she is insecure,and marking her territory in front of you.. perhaps she feels you're a threat to her?

She might see you as prettier,smarter,intelligent... and going by your post and her behaviour she's probably right...

So what do you do... what means more to you now? Your career? Or some women your ex is with?

You don't have to like her,you don't have to be friends with her,you just have to pass yourself and be professional,but since she's doing you a favour by taking a disrespectful jerk of an ex off your hands,perhaps go as far as offering her a coffee.. no big deal.

[bswc]

What's cuddling and kissing during work related meetings actually? Isn't it a little unproductive and affecting? If its formal it might be easier. Or u can try to be a strong master to conquer the bit.

[talaniman]

Not to be rude, but why do you have to be nice to this a''hole? If you can't ignore her, and her stupidity, why put yourself through the agony of her company? What kind of group accepts someone like this. If its work related, how is he allowed to bring his girlfriend? Sorry I don't understand, why nobody else has protested to him. Please don't tell me everyone is trying to be nice, or he is the president or something. He better be, to have the power over all you eggheads.

What kind of group is this anyway, and are you the only on who is pizzed at her, pies not withstanding?

Sorry to be harsh, but it sounds more like sour grapes than a disruption. Tell me I'm wrong.

[Gemini54]

The woman is much more insecure than you are. She's a limpet hanging onto his arm and (good heavens) nibbling on his ear, she mutters sarcastic comments at you, and to top it all off she bakes pies - they are all the hallmarks of a person that's insecure and not happy in their skin.

So, start being happy in your skin. Work at it. Make sure you look great, smell great, walk great. Wear your nicest work clothes in colours that flatter you. Talk intelligently and with humor at the gatherings.

Don't compete with her. You don't have to - she has what she wants (him), and you don't want him any more. Good luck to her.

Your best strategy is just to let her do what she does and watch as others get increasingly irritated by her. He's probably wearing rose colored glasses at the moment, but soon the rose will wear off and he'll see that others are annoyed by her and hat she's precious and superficial.

All you have to do is be patient, look and sound great and keep smiling even though you want to throttle her.

It's only a matter of time.

[heartonsleev]

She knows it bothers you. Try your hardest to shrug it off, even grin about how immature she is. Once she knows it doesn't bother you then more than likely it will stop. I would even suggest bringin around a "friend" they have never met. This would show them both that your moving on.

I´m trying to, but it´s hard when we sit in a sofa for a few hours and she keeps cuddling him and nibbling his ears in front of me.

She tries to humiliate me and it´s very hard not to think about it.

Yes, there are other people there and they feel very uncomfortable about the situation. They try to say to him that staff only is should be at these functions but she keeps butting in.

She keeps staring at me and when I talk, she tries to cut me off. Or she says: "Why did you even come? Don´t you have a cold?"

Last week we tried to tell him we would like to be just us, the staff, no guests or spouses. She did come with him and said: "I just love to be near you all. You are so inspiring!"

Oh God, what can I do?

[Violet31]

Gemini, Heartonsleev, Wondergirl, Redhead... Thank you so much.

I think you´re right that she is insecure, but so am I. You have pointed out what I should do and I will follow your advice. You´ve given me the perfect tips, and I feel much better.

Yes, we cannot stand the pies. :rolleyes: Plus she should not be there, period.

We have rules for these meetings, we´re writing a book for the University so we meet to discuss it and some other stuff concerning Uni. Sometimes when we meet, we like to relax, have a glass of white wine and cheese. Once we screened a film and spouses were allowed, but she kept coming and really wants to be one of us. Hence the pies.

[talaniman]

So what your saying as a group you can't enforce your own rules. While I think the other posters have given great advice as to your conduct, I question, the groups conduct, that's where your problem really is.

[amicon]

If spouses etc are only invited when there s a special occasion why can't whoever s in charge tell him that she s not part of the group and so shouldn't be there? Time somebody put their foot down.

[Violet31]

It´s a delicate situation.

One of our friend´s spouse had a Masters degree in our subjects, and we want to include her. She is also a wonderful friend. However, she only comes when she is invited.

It´s pretty difficult to tell them outright that his girlfriend cannot come to the meetings and to heck with her pies.

We have tried subtle hints and some pretty obvious ones too. We have said: "Listen, we cannot discuss it here, as we have a guest."

She just giggles and says: "But I so want to hear you. You´re all so intelligent."

Once I said: "Well, thank you, but we cannot discuss this in your presence. It´s for staff only."

She whispered to me: "Are you threatened by me?"

I didn´t answer.

It´s a very messy situation and she´s a disaster waiting to happen.

And no, we cannot throw her out. By force. The boyfriend is highly placed at the Uni.

[Cat1864]

She is only doing what his ego is allowing her to get away with. His ego is only getting away with what his superior and everyone else is allowing. He is acting like a teenager thinking only with his penis and the person in charge of these gatherings needs to explain to him that his credibility as a mature adult is in question. It is also going to start causing hard feelings with other 'spouses' who have stayed away unless invited to 'special' occasions.

If her presence is limited to times when other 'spouses' are permitted to attend, then that should give you some breathing room and make it somewhat easier to handle her behavior.

Good luck on getting the book finished.

[Violet31]

Thanks, Cat.

Thanks to all of you, I can now see my ex-boyfriend in a new light and I feel so lucky he dumped me.

Mid-life crisis is his problem, that´s why he slaves at the gym and just bought a new flat, a new car and new clothes.

I like to look good too and keep in shape, but he makes such a show of it. She is patting his belly and smiling and he goes all limp at her touch.

We did put our foot down when the fifteenth pie arrived and our senior professor said it was no need for them to go through so much trouble. I seconded that.

My ex got so angry, I thought he would explode. He told both of us that she had picked the apples herself for the pie and spent two days baking. She was really angry as well and it was very uncomfortable.

I´m going to follow all your advices, and wait the situation out. I don´t need to prove anything, even if they do.

[Alty]

Are the rules you spoke of just suggestions or actual rules?

If there are rules that are in place, that spouses or girlfriends aren't to come to these meetings, then whoever is higher up then your ex has to put his/her foot down and enforce the rules, either that or resign from this group.

It sounds like no one is in charge and this girl and your ex are running the whole thing. Doesn't sound like a group of professionals to me.

[Violet31]

Altenweg,

You obviously haven´t worked at a European University if you have to ask these questions and try to belittle our work.

I´ve had all the help I need and I thank you all for your input.