[destiny20]

I met a wonderful man 25 years ago and we became best friends. I would fix him up with my girlfriends knowing what a wonderful person he was. I secretly had more than friend feelings but never admitted them because I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. Years into our friendship he planned to get married to a woman he had dated for some time. Before his wedding I went to his office and admitted my feelings for him only because I didn't want to live with the regret of not every saying anything. I told him I didn't expect him to change anything he lined up for himself in life but that I wanted to be honest with him. He of course married and we never spoke after that day. About a year after his marriage I found a book that belonged to his brother that I had borrowed years ago and knew he would want it back as his brother was deceased from years earlier. I called his office and left the message that I had the book and would be happy to mail it to his office or home and asked that his secretary advise me on what to do. He called me himself and we spoke about the book and he asked me to bring it in person to his office. It took me three months to muster the courage to go see him with me hoping all the while that he had become fat and unattractive. When I went to see him he looked great and we instantly picked back up on our friendship and mutual attraction for each other. It was a nice visit and we hugged and said goodbye. He began calling me on the phone advising that he wasn't happy in his marriage. I advised that I was in a relationship and was sorry for his situation. After many more conversations that I kept "friendly" he stopped by my apartment and asked if we could be together if he left his wife. I advised that leaving his wife should be something not dependent on me and that I was involved with someone at the present. He eventually divorced his wife and I married my boyfriend. My marriage was a mistake in that I knew I didn't have the depth of love for my husband that I felt for this other man and he was abusive. Joe eventually married again and then I divorced. Here we are twenty five years later both admitting that we loved each other from the start but were afraid to admit our love. He is in another unhappy marriage but this time with children. I am single but am certain beyond doubt that I will not have an affair with him and feel if he wants me in his life he needs to do the right thing and get divorced. He says he has been on the fence for three years now with what to do. I don't believe in utlimatums but feel it is wrong to be in his life while he is married. Please advise on your thoughts.

[phlanx]

Hello Destiny

It sounds like you have taken a mature and responsible approach to your life

I have often thought, if Love was introduced to the market for the first time, it would be banned for causing pain, grief, anxiety, and addiction :)

I think I married my best friend, it took some convincing for her to risk the chance of ruining a perfectly good friendship

I have never understood why people don't marry what they consider to be a best friend, love is one thing, but I also want my wife to entertain me, just as any of my friends do

Upshot, if he is unhappy than he should do something about it - I don't think kids should grow up in an unhappy environment regardless, and unhappiness breeds other problems down the line

If you start seeing each other while he is married then an air of fun comes into the dynamics of the relationships

I know from previous relationships I have had when I had an affair or two, it was mostly about the fun of concealment - the adreline rush you get from being sneaky, no long term relationship can be based on this as it is never lasting

Good luck to you

[talaniman]

I think for this guy to get his act together, and solve his problems, you have to get out of the way, and not give him the option of having you in his life.

You both have been in each others way, long enough. True you liked each other as friends at one time, but that changed when you told a guy who was about to be married that you had wanted more.

Of course that blurred the lines of friendship, but worse it set up unfair comparisons, that neither of you seems to have recovered from.

It's a red flag that he is going on his second marriage, and seems to be failing in that one, and I bet you see yourself as the exception to the rule he seems to be following. Stop letting him be distracted from what he needs to focus on, his own life, and issues, and not whether to just shuck what he is doing and be with you.

You may be passive in your hesitation to just give him what he thinks he wants,(you) and what you think you want, (him) but you aggressively, using friendship as a front are constantly showing him your waiting for him, and you are, no doubt.

Leave the guy alone, and cut this toxic friendship, that has you both in denial, and at the same time, a fantasy, which has already undermined his marriage, and your whole motives for being friends. (You hope to have more, if he divorces, and pursues you). Your not helping each other as friends at all. That's not friendship, and it needs to stop.

Friends don't allow that friendship to stand in the way of their happiness, or responsibilities, nor do they bring there own hidden agendas into play, to get what they want. That's exactly what your passive/aggressive methods are doing.

[Cat1864]

My first thought in any situation like this is that he is in a relationship. It may not be a good one, but he is. That fact alone makes him off-limits for a physical or romantic (aka: emotional affair) relationship. His family and self-respect deserve more than him 'cheating'.

He has to be mature enough to make his own decisions about staying or going. If you did strongly suggest he leave his wife, then he would probably start blaming you for the divorce and any negative feelings that his then ex-wife and children might harbor. It wouldn't be fair to you, however, that is a common reaction.

My advice is to give him space and more time to know what he wants.