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jmjoseph · Oct 22, 2009, 05:42 PM

Comments on this post
Altenweg agrees: Here's a greenie for you. I only gave one reddie, the info was factually incorrect. I am innocent, innocent I tell you! ;)

If you notice, I gave one too. It was for the comment concerning the REASON we give "reddies" in the first place. THAT was factually incorrect.

Alty · Oct 22, 2009, 05:51 PM

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

Comments on this post
Altenweg agrees: Here's a greenie for you. I only gave one reddie, the info was factually incorrect. I am innocent, innocent I tell you! ;)

If you notice, I gave one too. It was for the comment concerning the REASON we give "reddies" in the first place. THAT was factually incorrect.

I have to look but I think that was the same one I reddied.

Great minds think alike.

Actually, so do not so great minds. :(

kirriky · Oct 22, 2009, 06:01 PM

To answer the OP's question, no, not everyone would object, and quite a few people I know have done it, or would find it acceptable in this situation. It's just a 3-day trip and his girlfriend is not available. He's not sneaking around, and it's not like he's planned a 2-week tour of Indonesia and hasn't invited his girlfriend.

Some people have said it would be inappropriate. Well, different groups of people have different opinions on what's appropriate and what's not. If the man thinks something is perfectly OK and his girlfriend finds it so inappropriate that she's prepared to break up with him over it.. well, I guess the question would be how they lasted 4 years anyway?

Yes, she's distressed. If he doesn't go, he'll be distressed too. Relationships are about compromising? If he doesn't go because his girlfriend was upset, it's not compromising, it's him sacrificing his opportunity to go out and have fun in a new country he's been forced to relocate to.

jmjoseph · Oct 22, 2009, 06:03 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

I have to look but I think that was the same one I reddied.

Great minds think alike.

Actually, so do not so great minds. :(

Funny thing is that neither one of us like to go to the red square. But right is right, and wrong is wrong.

talaniman · Oct 22, 2009, 08:23 PM

Jelly let your guy to whatever he wants to, and then find a life without him.

If his behavior has crossed the lines of good behavior to you, then don't accept what he is doing, and end this thing, without regret. Its just not worth the aggravation, or the disrespect.

What's telling the most is his mind was already made up, without input from his partner, and there was no room for talking about it.

You don't particularly sound like the over jealous type, so for whatever reason he has made this decision, its his to make.

You have been informed so what you do about it is up to you.

A guy who takes a vacation with another female and not uses it to see his girl, is the ultimate slap in the face as I see it!!

emopunk7 · Oct 22, 2009, 08:34 PM

Well sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the one you love. Compromising is if she has a problem with this and he acknowledges it then next time she will acknowledge his feelings. That is something beautiful but he is taking that away from the relationship and choosing a trip with someone else over her feelings.

I would not like it and it would begin to take away any trust I had and possibly some feelings.

Paxe, the point here is if you did have a problem with a situation, (don't tell me you would let anything go because then that's just not being a man and I doubt a girl would even want that) and your girlfriend dismisses your feelings, you would feel terrible. If not then I must ask... Are you human?

jellyfish1981 · Oct 22, 2009, 09:14 PM

Originally Posted by Catsmine

Whether he goes on a trip or not is not the issue. His reply when she expressed concern was dismissive and that she was over-reacting is what I read that bothered her. That is the disrespect that indicates that this relationship is dissolving.

Long distance relationships require extra effort. This guy doesn't seem to want to work that hard.

Jellyfish, am I reading you wrong?

I wrote him a long email expressing all my concerns and why I think that him going on this trip is not acceptable to me. He responded back saying that he was "overwhelmed" by what I have written and said that it was never his intention to hurt me. He said he was really really sorry and regretted booking this holiday. However, what is bothering me is that even after apologizing and regretting his act he never volunteered to cancel his trip.

jellyfish1981 · Oct 22, 2009, 09:23 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Are you male or female?

I'm assuming your male, correct me if I'm wrong.

Let me paint a little picture for you. All you have to do is be honest, with us and with yourself.

Going by my assumption that you're male, I'm going to give you a girlfriend. It's my story, so I can do it. ;)

You've been dating for 4 1/2 years, but family circumstances have kept you apart. You love her, she loves you, but you don't get to spend a lot of time together. Such is life, it doesn't diminish your love.

She gets a week off and decides to take a trip. She doesn't even ask you if you're available to go with her, but she does call to tell you that she met a guy a few months ago, they're friends, and they're going on the trip together.

She doesn't ask how you feel about it. She doesn't ask if you want to go with her and her friend. She's going, it's a done deal. They'll be sharing a hotel room and bed to save costs, but hey, they're just friends.

You don't like this idea (again, my story, so I can do this) and you tell her. She doesn't care, she's going whether you like it or not. Too bad, so sad, she'll call when she gets back.

You're okay with this?

It has nothing to do with the possibility of him cheating. It's that he doesn't care that his girlfriend, the one he supposedly loves, doesn't feel good about this, but he doesn't give a damn. He's going, boo hoo on her.

I must add here that he did not ask me because I don't have that time off work and I questioned him about sharing the room and he said that they would definitely have separate rooms. But I don't feel that that makes it any better.

jellyfish1981 · Oct 22, 2009, 09:29 PM

Originally Posted by overayear

Well the OP and her boyfriend are not married. I think things become a lot different when you get married. All I am saying is that you have been with this person for 3 1/2 years. If you feel that it isnt ok for him to go on this trip and he feels it isnt a big deal then there is a big disconnect. He should be able to go on this trip and shouldnt be held back by the one he loves. He can love her dearly and still want to go on this trip. She could always act this way with him which is why he gave her attitiude. The fact is we dont know the dymanics behind their realtionship. She ask if we thought she was over reacting. I think she is.

I would like to say here that I have always given him all the space he needs. I have never stopped him from going out with his friends and sometime back he wanted to go and visit a female friend who he has known for three years and who I have met. I really did not have any problem with that. I have problem with this girl who is his new found friend.

amicon · Oct 23, 2009, 01:26 AM

Jelly,the situation s causing you distress and rightly so I think.

In any relationship when trust issues happen its difficult to rebuild the trust.
You don't come across as a jealous person but most people in my opinion would think he s crossed the line with this trip.
We are all giving you our take on this here but ultimately what you decide to do about it is of course your choice.

Catsmine · Oct 23, 2009, 01:50 AM

Originally Posted by jellyfish1981

I wrote him a long email expressing all my concerns and why i think that him going on this trip is not acceptable to me. He responded back saying that he was "overwhelmed" by what i have written and said that it was never his intention to hurt me. He said he was really really sorry and regretted booking this holiday. However, what is bothering me is that even after apologizing and regretting his act he never volunteered to cancel his trip.

You got something from him. Now you need to give a little.

Is this trip something really special? If I were in India and got a chance to visit the Taj Mahal I would feel bad about my wife not going but I would go. Or the Smithsonian in the US or Big Ben in the UK, etc.

Here's an idea that has worked for other couples. Set up a mutually convenient time to contact one another so he can share the trip with you since you can't be there.

jmjoseph · Oct 23, 2009, 03:15 AM

Catsmine quotes:"Is this trip something really special? If I were in India and got a chance to visit the Taj Mahal I would feel bad about my wife not going but I would go. Or the Smithsonian in the US or Big Ben in the UK, etc."

Yes, but I would rather go alone rather than put my relationship in jeopardy. This may very well be a deal breaker.

I wish · Oct 23, 2009, 06:10 AM

Originally Posted by jellyfish1981

He said he was really really sorry and regretted booking this holiday. However, what is bothering me is that even after apologizing and regretting his act he never volunteered to cancel his trip.

After getting this new information, l still don't think the problem is the "new friend". Jelly, you said it yourself, you expressed your concerns, yet he didn't even suggest cancelling the trip.

So his apology is almost mute, because your concern is the fact that he's going on this trip with this new friend. So even after that long conversation, he's still going on this trip. So we're almost back to square one.

He knows that you're uncomfortable with the idea, yet he's still going to do it. That sounds like putting the relationship is jepordy to me. It sounds like it's a much bigger isssue than just this "new friend".

When he comes back from the trip, you're both going to need to sit down and re-evalute the relationship. Express all your concerns to one another and try to work things out one issue at the time. You need to find a mutual understanding and not put up with all this confusion.

kctiger · Oct 23, 2009, 06:26 AM

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

Catsmine quotes:"Is this trip something really special? If I were in India and got a chance to visit the Taj Mahal I would feel bad about my wife not going but I would go. Or the Smithsonian in the US or Big Ben in the UK, etc."

Yes, but I would rather go alone rather than put my relationship in jeopardy. This may very well be a deal breaker.

I have been reading this thread for awhile and hesitated to chime in on what I thought were particularly important details. I think this last statement you made says it all. If in fact this may be a deal breaker then I think, regardless of anyone's opinion on here, you need make it clear to him, stand on your word and do not back down. If you indeed find this behavior unacceptable then it is key you form a wall right now and stand by it, otherwise it creates slippery slope of future problems.

I don't care what you consider to be the problem here. Whether it be the "friend" or his not altering plans or not even volunteering to alter them, if you feel strongly about it then it is your call. Do not hesitate in thinking there is a wrong or right here. That is all relative to personal experience or belief. I think it is more important that you, as a person, stand up for what you believe in regardless of the opinions of others that it may either be extreme or not.

You do what you feel is best for you! I wish you luck. There are a lot of things in relationships that require compromise, but I don't believe we should ever have to compromise our personal beliefs or our sense of security in being with the one we love.

talaniman · Oct 23, 2009, 06:44 AM

I just think it's a heck of a thing to spring on a partner after you have made a decision. Maybe that's the real problem, the surprise of it, as you had no real opportunity for input and debate. You were denied your honest expression on this matter, because he assumed you would have no problem with it. You do, and now he knows you do. I think the way he handles himself from here will help you decide how to proceed. Ideally, he should want to at least talk to you, if nothing else to reassure you, not just apologize, and just do as he has planned.

Often its not what our partner does, as how they do it, that ticks us off.

slapshot_oi · Oct 23, 2009, 07:41 AM

Originally Posted by jellyfish1981

...He said he was really really sorry and regretted booking this holiday...he never volunteered to cancel his trip.

What a sham, don't fall for it.

Go on a trip yourself, forget about this guy.

jellyfish1981 · Oct 23, 2009, 10:47 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I just think its a heck of a thing to spring on a partner after you have made a decision. Maybe thats the real problem, the surprise of it, as you had no real opportunity for input and debate. You were denied your honest expression on this matter, because he assumed you would have no problem with it. You do, and now he knows you do. I think the way he handles himself from here will help you decide how to proceed. Ideally, he should want to at least talk to you, if nothing else to reassure you, not just apologize, and just do as he has planned.

Often its not what our partner does, as how they do it, that ticks us off.

I had another longer discussion with him where I asked him that even though I wouldn't have stopped him I would have liked to be given an opportunity where at least he would have volunteered to cancel the trip. He replied to this trip saying that he didn't want to do that because he could not have cancelled on someone at the last moment and second, he wants to see a place he has never seen before. He told me that he understood my concern but that I have to think of it as him going with just a friend not that the friend is a woman. He said he didn't think that it would hurt me so much and that in future he would never ever do something like this and at least involve me in the process before he makes the decision. He has called me around 8-9 times today and I have not been the most pleasant. Do you think I should ease up on him?

talaniman · Oct 23, 2009, 10:56 AM

NO! Let him go on his trip. Let the emotional dust settles and see how you feel. Its all in your own time now, and maybe he will have thought about things a bit. You will have I'm sure.

Cat1864 · Oct 23, 2009, 11:01 AM

I don't think it is healthy for your emotional state or the relationship to attempt to punish him for being an unthinking moron.

You have let him know how you feel and he seems to have gotten the message. If you believe him and trust his word, give him a chance to show he means those words by following up with compatible actions.

If you don't think he will follow through and don't trust him to keep his word, then take that as a red flag and let him go. Trying to hold on to a long distance relationship when you are the only one working on it is not good in the long run.

jellyfish1981 · Oct 23, 2009, 11:58 AM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I don't think it is healthy for your emotional state or the relationship to attempt to punish him for being an unthinking moron.

You have let him know how you feel and he seems to have gotten the message. If you believe him and trust his word, give him a chance to show he means those words by following up with compatible actions.

If you don't think he will follow through and don't trust him to keep his word, then take that as a red flag and let him go. Trying to hold on to a long distance relationship when you are the only one working on it is not good in the long run.

I think you got it spot on. I have just been trying to make him miserable or the past few days. I don't think that breaking up over this is justified and as long as he follows through I will let this slide. This time. Because in trying to make him miserable I have been hurting myself if not more then just as much.