[Catsmine]

The point to this discussion has been lost a couple of times.

Of COURSE the boyfriend can have friends, of whatever gender they happen to be. He can go out for the evening with friends, boozing and slinky dives or milkshakes at the burger shack it doesn't matter.

What he is doing is different. He is refusing to make any effort to maintain this long distance relationship with his "girlfriend." His lack of respect for her feelings indicate he really has little further interest in the relationship.

Jellyfish, I wish you luck. I do not think he's "the one."

[paxe]

The point to this discussion has been lost a couple of times.

Of COURSE the bf can have friends, of whatever gender they happen to be. He can go out for the evening with friends, boozing and slinky dives or milkshakes at the burger shack it doesn't matter.

What he is doing is different. He is refusing to make any effort to maintain this long distance relationship with his "girlfriend." His lack of respect for her feelings indicate he really has little further interest in the relationship.

Jellyfish, I wish you luck. I do not think he's "the one."

I disagree. How can you equate refusing making any effort to maintain the relationship, with going on a trip with a friend? The OP said it herself that everything is great except this problem. You are assuming too much. If I would simply go with the wim of my ex-gf, I wouldn't be able to do anything.

There seems to be a fundamental problem in this thread about agreeing whether going out on a trip with the opposite sex is wrong or right. What are we basing ourselves on? Morality? Ethics? I think if there is real love, there should be complete trust (it doesn't mean that there shouldn't be any discomfort). What right does she have of telling not to go? Also why do you assume he is not "the one"?

On a personnal note, I got cheated on and my ex took a picture of it, when she was on a trip. I shouldn't be able to trust again, but I gained wisdom and I will trust my future girlfriends on any kind of trip with any boys, because if she really loved me she would never cheat on me. You just cannot "control" anyone into cheating or not, by telling them not to go.

[Catsmine]

There seems to be a fundamental problem in this thread about agreeing whether going out on a trip with the opposite sex is wrong or right.

Whether he goes on a trip or not is not the issue. His reply when she expressed concern was dismissive and that she was over-reacting is what I read that bothered her. That is the disrespect that indicates that this relationship is dissolving.

Long distance relationships require extra effort. This guy doesn't seem to want to work that hard.

Jellyfish, am I reading you wrong?

[Justwantfair]

If you love someone else you will not put them in the position of accepting a situation that isn't appropriate or comfortable.

Having opposite sex friends is fine, but when it comes to a trip with only these two people, no amount of trust can make that acceptable, but that is for both parties to decide. If one party decides without giving any consideration to the opposite party then there are probably problems bigger within the relationship.

You are also talking about a long distance relationship that is already strained with distance. I don't think the OP request that he not accompany this female on a solo trip (or have her accompany him) is a reasonable request, it doesn't make her a prude and I would think that she isn't the only one who would have a problem with this scenerio and for some it wouldn't have to do with trusting the partner.

You are correct in reiterating that she can not force him to not go, but her request isn't an issue of being controlling or wanting him to lose the friendship. Her request is reasonable considering their relationship, his disregard of her feelings in the matter does indicate that he is probably not the one. As his feelings are of more value than hers.

I think that it is reasonable that men and women maintain friendships outside of their relationships, but it is also important to have your partner comfortable with these relationships if they are reasonable and if you have established trust within your relationship. I feel her feelings are valid that this trip is inappropriate and his disregard of those feelings is a refusal to make an effort to maintain the relationship.

We aren't talking catering to every whim here, but this is one that I feel should at least be heard, not dictated to her.

[overayear]

I understand in realtionships that both people should make scarfices for the other. I on the other hand to do not feel that him going on a trip with a friend is a bad thing. However she isn't comfortable with it so I agree that he might not be the type of guy she is looking for. Or she should deal with it and not make him feel bad for going. If going on a trip with the opposite sex is a deal breaker for her then she should go with her gut feeling.

[Cat1864]

Are they the only two people going on the trip?

If they are, something that needs to be addressed is that at home each person has their own place to retire to. On a trip, the very nature of traveling and accommodations are more intimate. Not to mention that instead of having school, work and other friends to act as a buffer and distraction, they will be strangers in a strange place. That alone increases the level of intimacy.

After reading several questions lately that pretty much began with "I/he/we got drunk and somehow it just happened, I/he/we had sex. I didn't mean to...", I don't recommend that he increase the risk of doing something he will regret.

On a personal note, on the times that my husband and I have been forced to live in separate places as we relocated, I would have been hitting the roof if he spent a 'vacation' with another woman (even if she was a best friend that I have known for years) or another man for that matter. Understand that I had absolutely no problem when his company sent him to school for a week with a female co-worker.

This isn't about trust as much as respect for Jellyfish and their relationship.

[Alty]

I understand in realtionships that both people should make scarfices for the other. I on the other hand to do not feel that him going on a trip with a friend is a bad thing. However she isnt comfortable with it so I agree that he might not be the type of guy she is looking for. Or she should deal with it and not make him feel bad for going. If going on a trip with the opposite sex is a deal breaker for her then she should go with her gut feeling.

This is where I disagree.

If both parties (the people in the relationship) were okay with this, then fine, go on the trip, have a blast, bring back a souvenir. The fact is, the OP isn't okay with this, and when she expressed that she wasn't, he blew her off, said she was overreacting.

He obviously doesn't care about how she feels. That's not a relationship. In a relationship you compromise, you listen to the other person, you don't dismiss their feelings.

Is she wrong? She may be. This may all be innocent, just two friends going on a trip together, but, and here's the part that makes it wrong, she doesn't have a good feeling about this, and that should be taken into consideration by her boyfriend.

[paxe]

If he wanted to dismiss her feelings, why even talk about it or even try to explain it's only a friend?

I think it is a test to all couple to see how much trust you give. Do you give absolute trust to your loved one, or will you try to compromise so some infortunate situation doesn't arise?

If a situation does arise then there is a fundamental problem to begin with.

I believe if you really love your mate, then you would trust him in any situation, because that's love, it's more powerful than lust or any other feelings.

[overayear]

I agree that he was inconsiderate of her feelings. He could have eased her worries a little and at least spoke about it more. I do however, disagree that just because she is unhappy with it that he shouldn't go. She was asking if she was overacting. I feel that she might be.

[Alty]

If he wanted to dismiss her feelings, why even talk about it or even try to explain it's only a friend?

I think it is a test to all couple to see how much trust you give. Do you give absolute trust to your loved one, or will you try to compromise so some infortunate situation doesn't arise?

If a situation does arise then there is a fundamental problem to begin with.

I believe if you really love your mate, then you would trust him in any situation, because that's love, it's more powerful than lust or any other feelings.

Are you male or female?

I'm assuming your male, correct me if I'm wrong.

Let me paint a little picture for you. All you have to do is be honest, with us and with yourself.

Going by my assumption that you're male, I'm going to give you a girlfriend. It's my story, so I can do it. ;)

You've been dating for 4 1/2 years, but family circumstances have kept you apart. You love her, she loves you, but you don't get to spend a lot of time together. Such is life, it doesn't diminish your love.

She gets a week off and decides to take a trip. She doesn't even ask you if you're available to go with her, but she does call to tell you that she met a guy a few months ago, they're friends, and they're going on the trip together.

She doesn't ask how you feel about it. She doesn't ask if you want to go with her and her friend. She's going, it's a done deal. They'll be sharing a hotel room and bed to save costs, but hey, they're just friends.

You don't like this idea (again, my story, so I can do this) and you tell her. She doesn't care, she's going whether you like it or not. Too bad, so sad, she'll call when she gets back.

You're okay with this?

It has nothing to do with the possibility of him cheating. It's that he doesn't care that his girlfriend, the one he supposedly loves, doesn't feel good about this, but he doesn't give a damn. He's going, boo hoo on her.

[paxe]

Nope, but I wouldn't let her not go, it's her decision. In the end of the day, if she wants to cheat me, or develop feelings with another guy, that is something that I can't control.

I actually had a similar story. I was going out for 3 years with my ex, she went on a trip and she cheated on me. I have every reason not to trust future girlfriends when they go on a trip, but I will. I try to rationalize and use my brain, not my feelings to make a decision. If she wants to cheat then go ahead, I'll be glad to end it and go on with my life.

I learnt not to develop insecurities about the significant other because it is a waste of time.

I have been in this situation so I can talk about it first hand. And yes I'm a male.

[Alty]

Nope, but I wouldn't let her not go, it's her decision. In the end of the day, if she wants to cheat me, or develop feelings with another guy, that is something that I can't control.

I actually had a similar story. I was going out for 3 years with my ex, she went on a trip and she cheated on me. I have every reason not to trust future girlfriends when they go on a trip, but I will. I try to rationalize and use my brain, not my feelings to make a decision. If she wants to cheat then go ahead, I'll be glad to end it and go on with my life.

I learnt not to develop insecurities about the significant other because it is a waste of time.

I have been in this situation so I can talk about it first hand. And yes I'm a male.

So you don't care if they cheat?

In other words, you don't let yourself get too attached. You don't allow yourself to love them because you think they're going to cheat on you?

The thing is, this thread has nothing to do with a fear of him cheating, it has everything to do with the fact the OP is not comfortable with this situation and he doesn't care.

I think it's time to remember the OP is Indian, their beliefs are far different then ours. Going away with a member of the opposite sex on a trip is a big no no. It's a sign of disrespect. Heck, I'm not Indian and I feel that way.

Some people may be comfortable with it, or have the "whatever happens, happens" attitude, but the OP doesn't.

That's why this is wrong. If she agreed, if she was comfortable with it, then go, have fun. She's not and he doesn't give a rats arse. So, he really loves her? I don't think so.

I've been married for 14 years, been with hubby for 19, since we were both 19. The way we've made it work is through communication and compromise.

I'm not saying that the boyfriend in this situation is a cheater, or that he plans to cheat, I know very well that you can be platonic friends with a member of the opposite sex. One of my best friends is a guy and he's my ex as well. He lives far away so I don't get to see him very often, so when he comes to visit we spend a lot of time together. The last time he was here the only day he had available was Valentines day. So, we went out together on Valentines day and my husband stayed home with the kids. I was really worried that hubby was upset about this, so we talked about it. If my husband said to me that he didn't like it I wouldn't go. That's respect for the person I love. It has nothing to do with trust or lack of trust, I know he trusts me, but, I also respect him and love him enough to listen and to compromise.

That's a relationship. What the OP has isn't.

[overayear]

Well the OP and her boyfriend are not married. I think things become a lot different when you get married. All I am saying is that you have been with this person for 3 1/2 years. If you feel that it isn't OK for him to go on this trip and he feels it isn't a big deal then there is a big disconnect. He should be able to go on this trip and shouldn't be held back by the one he loves. He can love her dearly and still want to go on this trip. She could always act this way with him which is why he gave her attitiude. The fact is we don't know the dymanics behind their relationship. She ask if we thought she was over reacting. I think she is.

[Alty]

Well the OP and her boyfriend are not married. I think things become a lot different when you get married. All I am saying is that you have been with this person for 3 1/2 years. If you feel that it isnt ok for him to go on this trip and he feels it isnt a big deal then there is a big disconnect. He should be able to go on this trip and shouldnt be held back by the one he loves. He can love her dearly and still want to go on this trip. She could always act this way with him which is why he gave her attitiude. The fact is we dont know the dymanics behind their realtionship. She ask if we thought she was over reacting. I think she is.

And I don't think she is.

I guess we're at a stalemate.

You're seeing it in a different way then I am.

I see it as disrespectful that he doesn't care about her feelings.

You think she's overreacting.

I think she has a right to feel the way she does.

I think that he doesn't care about her enough to consider how she feels.

You think she should just suck it up and let him go.

In the end, he's going. That doesn't mean that she has to accept this. She has the option of finding someone that will take her feelings into account.

The only thing that marriage changes is that you've proven to each other that you care about each other, otherwise why get married?

This guy the OP is dating, he's proven he doesn't care, I'd kick him to the curb.

[paxe]

Well, it seems we cannot agree on that and I respect different opinions. In the end of the day, it is the OP who needs the take whatever decisions she wants with whatever inputs we are giving.

Jellyfish, as you can see, there is different opinions in our society in this matter. Some feel it is OK, some don't. You have the arguments from both sides. It's possible that your boyfriend thinks like me, and you can give him his chance or you can say that it is a deal breaker.

In the end of the day, she is making this decision of whether it is right or wrong. Let's all learn to accept each other's opinion.

[overayear]

I agree Altenweg with the fact that she doesn't have to be OK with it. She can choose to kick him to the curb if she isn't comfortable with it. So do you suggest he doesn't go? Lets say they break up in 5 months. He could have missed out on a great opportunity because his love wasn't comfortable with the idea because she considers it as disrespect. Would I be comfortable with my girlfriend going with a friend. Prob not, but will I let her go and have a good time. Yes. Will I break up with her because I am feeling insecure about her going. NO.

[friend4u178]

I think it'd be a great idea if everyone just gave their opinions without all the Reddies and bickering and then let the OP decide for herself the best course of action.

[Alty]

I think it'd be a great idea if everyone just gave their opinions without all the Reddies and bickering and then let the OP decide for herself the best course of action.

I had to spread the love M, but I do agree.

I think that part of it has been dealt with, at least I hope it has. ;)

[Alty]

Paxe and overayear, I respect your opinions and your right to that opinion. I don't agree, but you do have the right to what you think and feel.

My problem with this is the fact that the OP is so distressed by his decision that she felt the need to discuss it here. It's obviously bothering her.

He may not feel it's a big deal. He may think that she's overreacting, but the fact that he doesn't care about her feelings, that's what has lead me to my opinion.

Should he go? Sure, if he doesn't give a damn about his girlfriend then he should go. If he does care then he'll at least listen to what she has to say instead of dismissing her and doing what he wants, no matter what.

This isn't a relationship. There's no communication. That's why I think she should leave.

The way he's handling this shows how he will handle future problems. It seems to be his way or the highway, I pick highway.

I think this has been talked to death. The OP has a lot of different opinions, now it's up to her to choose which ones she wishes to follow.

All I can say is Good luck.

No hard feelings boys. :)

[jmjoseph]

jellyfish1981, I understand you having a problem with this. How would HE react if you told HIM that you were going on a trip with a guy that HE didn't know?

As someone mentioned, you don't know the girl, or her motives. Maybe she will reveal a "crush" on him. Maybe she will knock on his door after hours. It HAS been a while since he saw you last.

No, this is a very inconsiderate thing for him to do.

My question is, if he knows this is upsetting you so much, why is he still doing it?

As far as the giving "reddies" for just for disagreeing, this is not accomplishing anything at all.