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papili · Oct 14, 2009, 02:57 AM

Hi all,
I will be marrying my boyfriend mid next year and am happy because we have been together for a very long time. We have been courting for 5years now and I enjoyed all the making out that we did. My problem is that I don't find myself NOWADAYS sexually attracted to the man am about to marry, and this scares me. Almost every time I have an excuse like we are not yet married so lets not be having sex all the time. I know once I get married, I will not have that as an excuse. My fear is, what if I still won't be sexually attracted to him after we get married? What should I do to be sexually attracted to him again?and where did this urge of me having sex with him disppear to? And what could be the reason for this problem?

Please help!

redhed35 · Oct 14, 2009, 04:14 AM

The stresses and strains of everyday life can effect our libido,I would wonder if you find yourself sexually attracted to other men?

Do you?

Getting married is a big step,and a massive commitment,even after knowing each other for 5 years,the final commitment is a reality check.. do I want to be with this person for the rest of my life?

Also, we begin to see our partners in a different light,a more serious light,we look at them with new eyes so to speak,now that the day has been booked,there is lots of things to get ready,and in the mists of all this we forget the reason why we are doing it..

Plan a date night... play.. have some fun together.. get back to being intimate,not just the sex part,but the emotional and mental connection.

Cat1864 · Oct 14, 2009, 06:47 AM

I went back and read your other questions. Have you taken care of all the other issues that you have asked about so that they are no longer even subconsciously affecting your libido? I will take it that you got the birth control and oral sex issues worked out by now.

How are you feeling about sex in general? Is anything turning you on?

Are you looking for a reason to break off the engagement? Are you starting to have fears about spending the rest of your life with this one person?

I think you need to stop making excuses and discuss your feelings with your betrothed. That alone may help ease some of your internal conflicts and help you feel more connected to him.

Communication is very important in a relationship. You should be able to discuss your concerns with him rather than suppressing them until you end up getting upset about something minor and unrelated.

You think you are confused. I bet he is too.

papili · Oct 14, 2009, 08:06 AM

Originally Posted by redhed35

the stresses and strains of everyday life can effect our libido,i would wonder if you find yourself sexually attracted to other men?

do you?

getting married is a big step,and a massive committment,even after knowing each other for 5 years,the final committment is a reality check..do i want to be with this person for the rest of my life?

also, we begin to see our partners in a differant light,a more serious light,we look at them with new eyes so to speak,now that the day has been booked,there is lots of things to get ready,and in the mists of all this we forget the reason why we are doing it..

plan a date night...play..have some fun together..get back to being intimate,not just the sex part,but the emotional and mental connection.

Yes, I find myself attracted to other men. And the "new eyes" that I see him in, I think I can live with the behaviour. The only part I don't get is why I don't feel the urge to have sex with him unless he insists.

papili · Oct 14, 2009, 08:12 AM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I went back and read your other questions. Have you taken care of all the other issues that you have asked about so that they are no longer even subconsciously affecting your libido? I will take it that you got the birth control and oral sex issues worked out by now.

How are you feeling about sex in general? Is anything turning you on?

Are you looking for a reason to break off the engagement? Are you starting to have fears about spending the rest of your life with this one person?

I think you need to stop making excuses and discuss your feelings with your betrothed. That alone may help ease some of your internal conflicts and help you feel more connected to him.

Communication is very important in a relationship. You should be able to discuss your concerns with him rather than suppressing them until you end up getting upset about something minor and unrelated.

You think you are confused. I bet he is too.

Yes, I took care of the other issues. In general, I love sex. And I daydream of sex with some other man.(why is this?) and speaking of communication, can one go tell the partner that "am not sexually attracted to you" without hurting their feelings?

artlady · Oct 14, 2009, 08:40 AM

If you are fantasizing about other men and do not want to have sex with your future husband,you need to rethink this marriage until you sort this issue out.

Whatever issues you bring into the marriage are going to become more of an issue after marriage.
The problems are not going to magically disappear.

The sad truth is that people do fall out of love and the first thing to go is usually the desire to want intimacy with them.

Perhaps you still love your BF as a good friend,and you share a history which unites you even further but you need a lot more than that to maintain a healthy marriage.

On another note ,perhaps he is not satisfying you sexually due to his lack of sexual skill.

I think if you were to broach the subject of not being sexually attracted to your BF ,I would take a more subtle approach.

Maybe say something to the effect that you are not feeling the same way that you once did.
Suggest ways for him to satisfy you.Be specific and show him with patience and gentleness how you want to be touched.

It does take work to keep a long term sexual relationship fun and exciting.But then again,sex does not always have to be mind blowing to be satisfying.
You have to ask yourself if you have realistic expectations.

Why are you getting married ?

papili · Oct 16, 2009, 01:31 AM

Originally Posted by artlady

If you are fantasizing about other men and do not want to have sex with your future husband,you need to rethink this marriage until you sort this issue out.

Whatever issues you bring into the marriage are going to become more of an issue after marriage.
The problems are not going to magically disappear.

The sad truth is that people do fall out of love and the first thing to go is usually the desire to want intimacy with them.

Perhaps you still love your BF as a good friend,and you share a history which unites you even further but you need a lot more than that to maintain a healthy marriage.

On another note ,perhaps he is not satisfying you sexually due to his lack of sexual skill.

I think if you were to broach the subject of not being sexually attracted to your BF ,I would take a more subtle approach.

Maybe say something to the effect that you are not feeling the same way that you once did.
Suggest ways for him to satisfy you.Be specific and show him with patience and gentleness how you want to be touched.

It does take work to keep a long term sexual relationship fun and exciting.But then again,sex does not always have to be mind blowing to be satisfying.
You have to ask yourself if you have realistic expectations.

Why are you getting married ?

No, I do love him and would still want to share forever with him. Why am getting married? Because we want to share our lives together now. Do think it might be advisable for me to not go on with the wedding plans if am feeling this way?

Cat1864 · Oct 16, 2009, 05:17 AM

Originally Posted by papili

No, i do love him and would still want to share forever with him. Why am getting married? coz we want to share our lives together now. Do think it might be advisable for me to not go on with the wedding plans if am feeling this way?

I think you need to think about whether you love him as a friend or a mate. Both feelings can be very strong and confused with the other.

Friends can want to be together and spend their lives doing things and talking. Friends don't have to live with each other and put up with the day-to-day realities of life. Each ultimately has his/her own life to lead.

Mates have to be able to communicate effectively on a wide range of subjects from bills and finances to how to raise the children. Mates have to be compatible in the bedroom as well as the rest of the house. If they aren't, it affects the rest of the marriage. If sexual needs are not being met (and that includes feeling attractive and desirable), it can lead to resentment, anger, frustration, and in some cases cheating.

You can't make yourself feel desire or lust for someone if it isn't there. If you can't communicate with him about this now, it will only turn into a bigger problem after marriage.

If you have desire for other men, but not him, do you think it is fair to tie him up in a marriage where you might end up with the urge to stray because he isn't meeting your needs? How will you react if he strays because you aren't meeting his?

excon · Oct 16, 2009, 05:37 AM

Originally Posted by papili

the only part i dont get is why i dont feel the urge to have sex with him unless he insists.

Hello p:

Uhhh, you're just not that in to him... Don't make it worse. Consider HIS feelings, for crying out loud. HE'S not going to be happy with this. Go find somebody who pulls your chain.

excon

smoothy · Oct 16, 2009, 06:17 AM

Originally Posted by papili

yes, i took care of the other issues. in general, i love sex. and i daydream of sex with some other man.(why is this?) and speaking of communication, can one go tell the partner that "am not sexually attracted to you" without hurting their feelings?

I think this is all the reason in the world to reconsider your engagement... and forget the marriage.

Sounds like he a is a friend... and probibly a good one. But what I hear from you is that spark that takes "freind" to "Husband" just isn't there.

And if its not there now... its likely never to be there.

Catsmine · Oct 16, 2009, 08:55 AM

Sex is not the only part of marriage. It's not even the biggest part. It is, however, a BIG part. If you are no longer attracted to this man now that you've gotten your head on straight, he needs to know about it. Not telling him about these feelings(or lack thereof) before the wedding is one of those "lies of omission."

Maybe you guys together can rekindle the flame, maybe you can't. You certainly can't do it by yourself.

Gemini54 · Oct 18, 2009, 11:20 PM

From your previous posts, it sounds as if there have been ongoing issues related to sex in your relationship. So it is very worrying indeed to hear that you're now thinking of marriage.

I can assure you these issues do not improve with marriage - they get worse. Already you're making excuses about why you won't have sex with him and you somehow expect that your sexual desire for him will magically reappear once you walk down the aisle.

At the most basic level you are being dishonest with your fiancée because you are avoiding sex with him and day dreaming about other men! How would you feel if he was doing this to you?

You need to tell him how you're feeling and be really honest with him. Of course he'll be hurt. But he will be a lot more hurt if you wait another 2 years until after you're married.

I don't think you're ready for marriage because you're not ready to take responsibility for being honest and talking about your feelings. It may be that you're young, or it may just be that you're immature.

Do him the courtesy of letting him make up his mind about what he wants to do.

kp2171 · Oct 19, 2009, 06:29 AM

The first thing that jumped out at me when reading the original post was the first line...

i will be marrying my boyfriend mid next year and am happy because we have been together for a very long time.

This isn't a slam on the OP'er... but time together isn't a foundation for happiness or a lasting marriage. I know... you do love him. Some loves are meant for all time... many loves are meant for a time. And then its over. Doesn't mean you don't love him, but you are fairly young and relatively inexperienced... (neither is a "problem", just where you are in life) and you sound not ready.

I have been there and done that myself... its easy to say "i love this person" and to think time spent means time wasted if you walk. It isn't.

And, no, sex is not all there is to a relationship in general... but sexual compatibility shouldn't be ignored, either. Physical intimacy (which is broader than sex and the Big O) is one of the main ways that some people show commitment. And incompatibility can really be a fast train to resentment and feeling denied or feeling guilty.

Most relationships lose some of the spark in time. You learn the other persons quirks. Their likes. The unknown becomes known. It happens in all relationships. And, like other areas of a relationship, sexual and sensual connection might take some effort, some new ways of thinking...

So...

I'm not willing to say you should call the whole thing off. That's your call.

I am willing to say you don't get to stay and complain about the spark that isn't there... or that is diminished for the time being.

If your partners drive isn't all that high, he might have no problem with your lack of interest. But you probably do. You signed up here, posted a question, and are clearly bothered enough to want perspective, if not "solutions", to your problem. Like I said... there's no shame in wanting a healthy sex life... there is no shame in having fantasies...

But when it becomes a distraction like this and when it draws energy away from the relationship... its probably a good time to step back and evaluate.

Personally... for as young as you are... id err on the side of taking time for yourself and taking time to talk things out with your boyfriend. If you cannot talk about sex now, it will become a "crutch" in the future.

Again... I speak from dumb, idiotic experience. Go me. Fall on my face enough times and eventually I seem to learn a thing or two hopefully.

JudyKayTee · Oct 19, 2009, 06:47 AM

I think if you go through with this you are short-changing him. Does he want to live with a woman he has to beg to have sex as well as someone who is just not that much into him?

Tell him the truth and give him a fair shot at finding who/what he wants - maybe you, maybe not, but at least he'll be informed.