[TechFlyMan]

My wife and I are looking for ways to spice up our sex lives. We've been together for over a decade now, and we both agree that our sex life is good. But, we want to do something to introduce a little more spice to our lives so we keep things interesting.

I read somewhere that we should come up with a few lists to help get the ball rolling. The lists would have 5 items from these categories:

1. Things we do now I'd like to do more of
2. Things we done once or twice that I think we should incorporate into a regular act
3. Fantasies I have that I would like to enact

The idea is that each of us come up with a list outlining those 15 things, and we use that as a discussion starter... items that appear on both lists should be at the forefront of the conversation whereas items that don't appear should be tabled for now.

As we're discussing creating those lists, she tells me that she has a problem. She says should wouldn't have anything for #3. Yeah, I could be the most amazing lover and have satisfied her every desire, but I doubt that. She might be happy with our sex life, but I'm concerned that she doesn't have any fantasies.

When I asked her about no fantasies, she said that she's getting all that she needs, that she is very content, and that she just doesn't have any fantasies.

Should I be concerned? Any suggestions on where to take this next?

[Catsmine]

A question and a suggestion:

If she is content, who is looking for ways to spice things up?

Have you thought of one of the adult games, like the ones where you draw a card or twirl a spinner and do what it says?

[smoothy]

Oh she has fantasies... just fantasies she isn't comfortable talking about with anyone. Likely because she feels they are out there and someone might misunderstand them. Or she feels weird having them.

Been through that with my wife... she finally opened up and we had a good time playacting.. and talking about them.

[Cat1864]

First thing is to make sure that it isn't just you who wants to "spice things up" and she is only going along with the plan to keep you satisfied while at the same time wondering why she doesn't do it for you anymore. Spouses can do things like that.

Second, she may not fantasize the way that you probably mean. Some women don't consider thinking about their mate and memories as being fantasy. Some of my favorite fantasies are memories.

Third, her upbringing and self-perception may not have been conducive to her developing a healthy fantasy life. A lot of women find it hard to allow themselves to enjoy make-believe because for a very long time we were taught that our mates should be everything we needed. Gladly, those days are behind us. Thanks to romance novels and such we have have a very wide range of mainstream erotica.

Fourth, she may be reluctant to tell you her fantasies. At one time, a long time ago, I had that same hang-up. However, my husband showed that he was open to hearing my fantasies (even acting some out) to the point where I started writing them down for him. It was his open-minded emotional support that gave me the courage to tell him what thoughts were a turn-on and what thoughts were a huge turn-off.

If you both are wanting to add spice to the relationship, you might try being a bit more natural about it instead of clinical. Watch shows and talk about settings, characters, plot lines, costumes, etc. Pick out favorite books that might have interesting possibilities. Just try to not push and she will probably open up more.

[TechFlyMan]

It's a mutual desire to try something new (or expand on something in our relationship). While we're both content and happy in our relationship, but it took us a while to get here, and we want to make sure that we continue to improve upon it.

It's possible for us both to be content but still want more (i.e, I'm content in the amount of money I make, but I still look for ways to improve so I can make more).

I think part of the desire is that we've added toys to our love-life, and they've done wonders for us. And as those start to be routine, we want to see what we can do that isn't routine... which lead to the fantasy questions.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm going to try more to see if I can dive into what she considers fantasy and go from that angle. Try to convince her that anything she fantasizes about is OK.

[rockie100]

Have you shared your fantasy with her? If you haven't, maybe she will open up if you do. Or If you have, she might not be on the same page as you and now hers sounds strange in comparison.

[artlady]

Fantasy can be something as simple as role playing.

Perhaps her reluctance stems from mistakingly thinking "fantasy" involves thinking of others.

Fantasy is fun and you can take it to any level you want.

Meet in a bar and pretend you are picking her up.Take her back to her place and try some new seduction techniques on her.

Remember also that sex is about having fun so don't be afraid to laugh !

[smoothy]

Fantasy can be something as simple as role playing.

Perhaps her reluctance stems from mistakingly thinking "fantasy" involves thinking of others.

Fantasy is fun and you can take it to any level you want.

Meet in a bar and pretend you are picking her up.Take her back to her place and try some new seduction techniques on her.

Remember also that sex is about having fun so don't be afraid to laugh !

Or perhaps her fantasy DOES involves others in some way. There are things why wife thought about but never really thought of... if that makes any sense. Considering a woman's fantasies for the most part are he deepest darkest secrets... its the last thing she typically shares with others. And thus... you may go years into a marriage before they ever get discussed if even then.

Fact is like you said. She may feel afraid of how you might react... or think of her later. And as a spouse, you really have to view them as nothing more than thoughts... thoughts that were never inteneded to be acted out in most cases by choice.

IF, and I mean IF you are able to see them for what they are... which are just thoughts. You both can have fun with them together alone even if they may involve others. Since women are more cerebral in these maters than guys... wordplay can be pretty powerful.

But first you have to get your relationship to a place where she feels she is able to completely open up... and a ring on the finger is no guarantee you are there or even will get there.

[gman4203]

It could be that she has experienced her best sex with other men before she got married. I have a girlfriend that I have been dating for about 10 months. Her fantasies were satisfied before she met me. This made me uncomfortable at first. Later I realized that it means that she won't leave me for another guy because of a fantasy she wants to live out.