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Homegirl 50 · Oct 10, 2009, 10:28 AM

The best advice has been given.
What you are looking for is a reason to to stay in this abusive relationship.
This guy is an abuser and a controller. He has you believing you deserve the abuse, this way he can continue to do it when he deems it necessary and you will take it.
You need to leave him and stay gone and get some counseling so that you will realize that and abuser does no love, he controls and that you are not a person to be beaten when you don't behave in a way an abuser thinks you should.
Your esteem needs to be worked on. You are an adult, not a child. No man has the right to hit you no matter what you have done.
You are not in love with this creep, you just have such poor feelings about yourself. You think he is the best you can do. Both of these guys are users. You need to find out why you lean towards this type of man.
Advice: LEAVE and COUNSELING

ImessedUp · Oct 10, 2009, 10:40 AM

I know I need help. I know that I do -- it's just that I'm not ready yet. I should be. I could say things that he has done in the past -- and it would just give you all the confirmation to everything you already assume has happened. I just want to work it out so bad... Can someone tell me how to work it out? At least for the time being.. even if we break up somewhere down the road because I come to terms with this ---- I'm not at that point yet..

Homegirl 50 · Oct 10, 2009, 10:46 AM

I'm sorry, but I cannot nor will I tell you how to stay in an abusive relationship.
No matter what you do or say, it will not be acceptable to him because he wants to have power over you and the way to that power is through making you feel deserving of abuse.
This is a lose lose situation and you will be the only loser.
Get some counseling, this will help you know what you need to do and give you the strength to do it.

jmjoseph · Oct 10, 2009, 10:50 AM

Originally Posted by ImessedUp

I know he's angry now -- So I'm not going to talk to him. He told me if he saw me now he wouldn't be able to control himself. So I'm not going... he warned me yesterday too - that's why I feel like I somewhat deserved it. Even though I should be looking at all of this -- Knowing that I am better than the situation -- knowing I'm better then being abused -------------- I want to know what I can do to gain forgivness. How to show that I am truely sorry. He says he doesn't think I feel any remorse, and I am beside myself - because, I know how truely sorry I am. Should I come 100% clean? I'm scared to... If abuse wasn't an issue within this ---- what advice would you give me?

So let me get this straight. He warned you to stay away because he knew he would BEAT you?

Well, isn't he considerate.

If you insist on being with guys that hurt you, you should at least empower yourself. Learn self-defense, or martial arts. That way, next time one of these guys go off on you, you can at least fight back.

You want advice on this mess, if abuse wasn't in the picture. Most of us can't see past the abuse, does that frustrate you?

Well, no one here wants to help you stay with an abusive person.

Why live with constant danger from someone who says he loves you?

He may very well love you to death.

justcurious55 · Oct 10, 2009, 10:55 AM

I'm not about to give you advice on how to stay with this abusive jerk either. If you want to give us an idea of where you are I'll help you Google support groups and counselors. But no way am I giving you advice on staying with him.

ImessedUp · Oct 10, 2009, 11:16 AM

I'm in the Chicago suburbs.. 30 minutes south of Chicago... He's a pro boxer... it complicates things... What do I do now when he calls? Or comes by my work? I don't want to make things worse, and I'm not strong enough to write him off completely. I can't make this decision unless I'm ready, and at this point -- I'm too caught up in it. I too badly want to be with him still. I can't help that...

justcurious55 · Oct 10, 2009, 11:21 AM

Don't answer your phone. If he comes by your work, tell him to leave. Inform your manager's what's going on so they'll know to back you up. If there's security, talk to them so they know to watch out for him. Have someone walk you to your car. If he keeps coming by or calling after you've told him to go away, get a restraining order. If he continues after you get one, call the police and enforce it. How does him being a pro boxer complicate things? To me, it just makes it that much more clear that he is dangerous. Not only can he not control his rage, he's been trained to inflict pain. A truly deadly combination.

Chicago Abused Women Coalition

Domestic Violence Agencies

Even if these places aren't close enough for you to go to, I'm sure if you call, they can at least refer you to someplace closer.

ImessedUp · Oct 10, 2009, 11:59 AM

I'm not trying to be stupid with my responses... this is just very emotional for me. I understand what he has done is very wrong... I've let him get away with all of it for a very long time... but, with this situation -- I really feel that it was me that messed up. Also, I think there is a posibility that I may be pregnant... I've talked about this a little bit with him -- but, I'm not sure yet. I'm late, but the first test I took was negative... but I didn't do it first thing in the morning like you're supposed to, so I'm waiting until Monday to test again... If I am - I don't want to do this alone.. It gives me even MORE of a reason to want to work things out with him.. the right way...

talaniman · Oct 10, 2009, 12:01 PM

No one is going to give you advice on how to keep an abuser, there is NONE. We all have seen the tragic results of staying, and sadly so will you.

At least talk to someone that knows, such as a counselor, and let them teach you why its so hard to be ready to leave them. Oft times, its really to late then.

If you are pregnant, think of what your bringing your child into.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 10, 2009, 12:14 PM

Originally Posted by I messed Up

I'm not trying to be stupid with my responses... this is just very emotional for me. I understand what he has done is very wrong... I've let him get away with all of it for a very long time........ but, with this situation -- I really feel that it was me that messed up. Also, I think there is a possibility that I may be pregnant... I've talked about this a little bit with him -- but, I'm not sure yet. I'm late, but the first test I took was negative... but I didn't do it first thing in the morning like you're supposed to, so I'm waiting until Monday to test again......... If I am - I don't want to do this alone.. It gives me even MORE of a reason to want to work things out with him.. the right way.....

If you are pregnant the last thing you want to do is raise a child in an abusive situation.
Do you want your son or daughter growing up thinking this is normal? How do you know he won't be angry that you're pregnant and harm you and this possible unborn child?
You need to leave this guy, get a restraining order if he does not leave you alone.
If you are pregnant it no longer about you. You must protect this child and the only way to do that is to be away from him.

You did wrong by cheating but he had no right to abuse you before or after. What kind of man hits a woman, and his being a prize fighter, he has problems and he really has no business hitting a woman. You need to get away from him.

justcurious55 · Oct 10, 2009, 12:17 PM

Doing it without him in the picture doesn't have to mean being alone. Do you have family or friends to be there with you? Would you really rather risk having a child witness you be abused, and be abused themselves, than risk having a child without a father figure? Because that is what will happen. The abuse towards you will continue. Not just maybe. It will. It will not stop. And it will most likely turn towards your child. Is that really what you want? You need to think about that. Is being with him worth your life? Yes, you messed up. You stayed with him after he hit you. You cheated on him. That was all wrong. It does not justify his actions. It does not excuse them. Not now. Not ever. Nothing you can do will ever justify his hitting you.

shazamataz · Oct 10, 2009, 08:48 PM

Better going it alone than bringing your child up having an abusive father
If he hits you do you seriously think he wouldn't be capble of hurting your child as well...

Honestly I think this post has gone on long enough.

You have had ALL the information you could possibly need you have just chosen to ignore it an keep asking how to get him back.

No-one is going to tell you.

You need to leave... end of story.

DevilNam · Oct 10, 2009, 10:00 PM

To tell you the truth, I'd rather be beaten up than to be cheated. I hate this excuses that someone got carried away and ending up sleeping with someone else omg. Yeah, you did a good job, you cheated on him. Did he deserve it to be cheated? And what kind of boyfriend is he, beating a woman. OMG. But it's better than to cheat. I would like to see how you would react if he cheated on you with someone else. And then she would post all the pictures and all the conversation on MSN and so. Why do people have affair, when they are in a relationship. What's more you were dishonest to him. When you become a mother, I hope your child will understand this. I can't find any good sympathy with you, even though I try to.

Seems like you think you're the one who's suffering the most, but the truth is your boyfriend is suffering more than you. How did he feel when he saw the video you kissing with that guy. Tss.

Ok, even though, you're this bad, but I got no choice, but to give you some advice.

Just tell your boyfriend, if he lays his hand on you one more time, tell him you'll call the cops. And if he won't change just leave him for good or you two will be suffering.

Now you feel bad, but during the sex, how did you feel? Did you feel guilty at all, huh? Omg, why do I hate cheating this much. Cheating ruins everything. And you're one of them. You're a damn cheater and he's a bad abuser. Omg, these human's actions. Why are the people so stupid, why don't they just open their eyes and realize that they are doing stupid actions.

You know what, you're just one of the bad example for your child. I don't know what he'll be. But God Bless Him. An unwanted child, who's born by a cheating mom and abusing dad. The hell, how can sth like this exist.

And I don't care if you feel humiliated by me. You deserve it. For every bad commitments, there shall be punishments. Don't like it? Don't care! I'm not that understanding? Well, you can't expect from a 18 years old boy to understand these things.

Now, there's so little you can save. And everyone who just said to leave your boyfriend. Don't you all see the consquences? What about that child? You know how hard is it, to be raised by a single mother? Use your heart over brain sometimes.

Stay with you boyfriend, tell him that you can't stand his approach. It hurts you and ask him if he cares about that child. I can tell that both of you, are really bad persons. Hope you'll improve soon

Good luck in life, you will have hard time

DevilNam · Oct 10, 2009, 10:05 PM

Omg, everyone can change. My father was also a abuser, but I told him to stop. I protected my mother no matter what. I think only a good son can make his father to stop. It's better to have an abusive father than to have a lonely family. The child will suffer omg, how can't you understand this?

justcurious55 · Oct 10, 2009, 10:47 PM

Omg. Are you out of your mind? This woman is not in a safe situation. Do not encourage her to stay in a potentially life threatening relationship. Yeah, people can change. But most don't.

ImessedUp · Oct 10, 2009, 11:44 PM

I'm not strong enough for this. I messed up, really bad. He messed up, really bad. I can't do this.

DevilNam · Oct 11, 2009, 12:33 AM

Yeah, and she won't be safe if she doesn't change her behaviour. What about that child I just feel sorry for him

azif · Oct 11, 2009, 01:32 AM

I'm not strong enough for this. I messed up, really bad. He messed up, really bad. I can't do this.

You don't have to do it alone, people have already posted in the thread where you can get the help you need.

Yeah, and she won't be safe if she doesn't change her behaviour. What about that child I just feel sorry for him

@devil
Nobody condones cheating, the important thing is she gets the help she needs

Homegirl 50 · Oct 11, 2009, 07:51 AM

Originally Posted by DevilNam

Yeah, and she won't be safe if she doesn't change her behaviour. What about that child I just feel sorry for him

I really meant to disagree with you, not agree.
This man was hitting her before she cheating.
He is an abuser and she needs to be away from him.
His emotional problems are not her fault. This is a big man
A prize fighter who hits women. Was hitting her before.
Did you not read all of her post?

Cat1864 · Oct 11, 2009, 09:21 AM

Originally Posted by DevilNam

Omg, everyone can change. My father was also a abuser, but I told him to stop. I protected my mother no matter what. I think only a good son can make his father to stop. It's better to have an abusive father than to have a lonely family. The child will suffer omg, how can't you understand this?

It is not up to the child to protect the parent. The parent's job is to protect the child. I am sorry that you had to be the grown up in your family. I think you need to get counseling for yourself. However, this is not about you.

I am going to be extremely blunt and harsh:

Imessedup, wake up. When are you going to "be ready" to get your life and self-esteem back? When you are in the hospital with broken bones? When your spleen or kidneys have been damaged? When you are in the hospital praying that your unborn child survives long enough to be born, hopefully, healthy? When you are mourning your unborn child that you miscarried because he got mad and hit you in the stomach again?

Yes, you messed up. That is for you to work through for yourself. Only you can forgive yourself and move forward from there. Using his fists to punish yourself is not acceptable behavior.

You want us to tell you what to do to keep him from hitting you again when he thinks about whatever wrongs you have done him. Other than cheating, what other wrongs have you done to deserve being hit? Not say, "yes, sir"? Didn't have his dinner warm enough or cool enough? His beer had too much foam? Those are reasons that I have seen other women get hit for. The woman with the beer, her arm was broken in four places. Did they deserve it? Why do you? Why does any possible child you attempt to bring into the world?