[zacheria1]

Ive been with my husband since 1988. He had just got a divorce from a wife of 15 years and I had just ended a relationship of 3 years. I feel he still loves his ex-wife. I have asked him and he says no!! But when he is around her she sits in a corner and stares!! At him. Problem is, he is staring back. He makes sure he is in her view the whole time. He says I am imagining this. I don't think so. How do I find out the asnwers to this?? Ask him?? Sometimes when I approach him he says he is tired When we make love we are having sex not making love.

[Cat1864]

Have you been feeling this way for your entire relationship?

First, I would suggest that you examine your feelings and determine how much your own insecurities are affecting how you perceive their interactions. If you are spending your time at these gatherings watching them like a hawk, your mind may be exaggerating their "looks" into more than what is there.

As for the making love versus sex, does he show you affection other than in the bedroom? Are you allowing your fear of what you think is going on in his head to cause you to withdraw emotionally from him in bed?

Second, I would suggest communicating with your husband. That means talking with him about your concerns not accusing or confronting. Both of you listening when the other person speaks.

Sometimes, we allow our own fears to create scenarios that don't really exist and that can have a huge impact on the reality of the situation. Are you familiar with the term "self-fulfilling prophecy"? That is when a person thinks that something is going to happen and through his/her own actions and reactions causes it to occur. An example would be a person thinking that his wife is going to leave him So he accuses her over and over again of planning to leave him and emotionally pulls away from her until she can't stand it anymore and leaves him.

[Gemini54]

Er, why are you both still seeing his Ex wife? Is it necessary to be around her?

After 20 years surely you can talk to him about this without accusations or recriminations... unless his ex wife is a necessary part of your social scene then perhaps part of the answer is just not to see her.

However, I suspect that there are other things that are bothering you, let's face it things build up after 20 years and need to be clarified and cleared out. Remember, he's with you, not his ex wife and you both have the capacity to work on the relationship.

Communicate with him, talk to him about how you feel - all relationships can benefit from review and refreshment, there is no point in throwing away 20 years because of your fears.

[Fr_Chuck]

Of course most ex's "love" a old ex esp of so many years.

That does not mean they are in love, does not mean they want to sleep with them, it merely means they have a lot of memories and may even still be friends.

So what is the issue?

[zacheria1]

I did talk to him and tell him how I feel and Have felt for a long time. He listened to me and then he said nothing!! No reply.

[jham123]

However, I suspect that there are other things that are bothering you, let's face it things build up after 20 years and need to be clarified and cleared out.

How is that you always say things that seem to hit the Bulls-eye time after time? It is not a one time deal where you get lucky, YOU are CONSISTENT...

OP, No matter what you do, there will still be animosity and tension between them... they were married and now they are not.

Something is going on where you guys have to cross paths during the year... that part is evident. It may just be posturing. Everyone... EVERYONE would like to be seen as "doing better" in front of anyone they were once married to. It's immature but it trying to take human nature out of Human interactions... well Stepford is just a fictional place.

The fact that he may clam up to you... well... are you asking about it an empathetic way or an accusatory way? Nothing pisses me off worse than having to bust my arse at work to get ahead... work late to do it... come home and be accused of doing the office girls... that is always a lovely conversation...

[zacheria1]

No. I was very nice and caring. I said I feel this way. I did not accuse or down him. I just wanted him to know that I was lonely needed him to love me and be there for me. I basically told him how I felt about him being emotionally detached. I told him I needed to be loved and shown love. We live as roomates. He will not go anywhere with me, he never kisses me or hugs me, very lonely way to live. He did not even reply. I am not sure how to take the way he handled the conversation. He did not even say anything to me. I guess I got my answer, right?? He did not say he felt this way or the other.

[Cat1864]

Has it been like this through your entire marriage or is his detachment a recent (year or so) development?

[jham123]

I basically told him how I felt about him being emotionally detached. I told him I needed to be loved and shown love. We live as roomates. He will not go anywhere with me, he never kisses me or hugs me, very lonely way to live. .

That part seems to be consistent in your post. And that part is the most troubling part anyone could face. In a normal marriage, the X may not have been an issue, but since you guys are the way you are... the situation with the X is amplified.

Yeah, there needs to be something said or discussed as to why there is no intimacy between a married couple. That is a red flag for sure.

[zacheria1]

You just hit the nail on the head. That is the hardest part of being emotionally detached. It makes you feel not good enough or that you have done something wrong. Is it wrong to want to be loved. I did talk to my husband. He did not answer me a all. He just sat there with no reply. It has been 2 days and he still hasn't replied. I was very nice when I talked to him, not comfronting him, just telling how I felt with no love in our marriage. I know that all this sounds selfish on my part, and maybe it is. But I am 54 years old and I would like to loved as love should be. I just want to be treated as any wife would. He also has not made any effort to try to be more emotional support. I feel the silence is my answer. He does not care!!

[zacheria1]

Has it been like this through your entire marriage or is his detachment a recent (year or so) development?

I appreciate the answer you gave me. It was very insightful. I appreciate all the advice