[jessikahb88]

My BF and I have a great relationship, but every couple of months he begins
To show signs that he is going to go through a depressive period. This usually occurs
When he is under a lot of stress or he has had lack of sleep or he has had a night out and drunk too much. When he gets depressed he is very quiet and serious, he sleeps a lot and everything is a huge effort for him. I try and help him as much as I can, but it really hurts me because I feel like I'm not getting what I want out of the relationship (at this time) and then I feel guilty because I feel I'm being selfish- I need to consider his needs. I start to doubt myself and our relationship- does he still love me? Am I the reason he's down? Does he not find me attractive anymore? It is incredibly emotionally draining on me as I am constantly worrying about him and want him to be OK, want us to be happy and normal again. When he is depressed he isn't as affectionate to me as he usually is and I find it really hard as I'm someone who loves to be held and cuddeled all the time! I don't want to keep complaining to him and I don't want him to feel inadequate because I love him and I know he has a disease, its just hard! Its really waring on my patience. He is starting up his own business at the moment and I try and help, but he is very short with me and I can't help but feel personally attacked. When I approach him about how I feel, I come across selfish and needy- I JUST WANT TO FEEL CONFIDENT AND CONTENT IN THE RELATIONSHIP EVEN WHEN HE DOES HAVE DEPRESSION! I don't want HIS depression to affect us both to the degree it is now, it isn't healthy for our relationship. How do I help him and how do I help myself?

[amicon]

Is your boyfriend on medication?
How long are these episodes?

[cjeep23]

I would have to ask the same thing. Is he being treated for depression/clinical depression? How long do these so called "down times" last? As someone who has lived with depression I can honestly say that, If you think oh he is so depressed, I don't know what to do, he probably feels 10 times worse than you might think he does. The best thing that you can do for him is be super supportive, if he is not getting treatment for it, then try to talk him into getting some. Its not his fault it is a chemical imbalance in the brain that needs to be corrected. Exercise also helps a great deal for depression by boosting your libido. If your seeking treatment you don't necessarily have to see a psychiatrist to get some medication to treat the disease. Your family doctor can usually help you.

[jessikahb88]

He has been seeing someone but he hasn't found that it has helped. The doctor told him to try herbal medications before being subscribed with any anti depressant. He is currently taking St johns Wart. Thanks for your feedback, I think like you both said- I need to support him and try and understand how he may be feeling, and to know that he can't help feeling so low so not to take it to heart! Thanks :)

[Gemini54]

You need to be realistic. Depression affects relationships. If you want a stress and worry free relationship then perhaps you have chosen the wrong person.

If you choose to stay in the relationship then you must accept that this is how he is for the time being and try to not take it personally. Rememeber, this is not about you, this is about him.

I do think though that it is important, when he is not depressed, for you to let him know how you feel and how it affects you. He does need to be aware that his depression affects other people and to take responsibility for it.

St John's Wort can be very effective for some forms of mild depression, but it can take a while to kick in.

[jessikahb88]

I do need to let him know how I'm feeling, I just don't want him to think I'm attacking him and make the times when things are great- not so great by bringing up sensitive issues. But I do think it is important for me to express how I feel as at the moment I am not getting what I want out of the relationship.. Your right this relationship is not stress free and not easy. I guess though that no relationship is 100% stress free or easy, but him having depression is definitely something that makes our relationship that much harder. I really want this relationship to work because I love him a lot, I guess I'm scared things will never change and I will feel left unsatisfied. I wish he didn't suffer from depression, things would be so much better for him and us.

[I wish]

Maybe he needs to see a therapist, especially since it's a repeated behavior. Who knows when the next episode will show up?

You should definitely let him know about your doubts and concerns. But he also needs help when he is depressed. Sounds like he's putting a lot of burden on you which doesn't seem fair. He should be seeking professional help.

[jenniepepsi]

Hey hon.

Loving someone with depression or any kind of emotional disorder, is difficult for all partys involved. And I'm sorry you are dealing with it, as I'm sorry your boyfriend is suffering with it as well.

I don't have any advice as far as a know all cure all solution. The best you can do is be there for him, accept that he has these periods where he is like this, help him get the help he needs, and yes, the hardest part of all, is realizing that he will say and do things he may not mean. And it is difficult to step back and realise that its simply his illness talking.


I would suggest a couples counseling for the both of you together, and also separate sessions individually.

Has he been tested for bipolar? I have bipolar, and I know that any depression med I tried before the doctors diagnosed me with bipolar instead of depression, usually only made my issues worse.


Good luck hon. Feel free to vent anytime you need

[tara1]

If you want to help him, you could try to incorporate some physical activity in your time spent together. Please read this article.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn...r=emailarticle

[jessikahb88]

Hey,

I appreciate your response, it is a relief to have people to talk to about these issues
As I don't like to tell to many people, I find that people who don't understand the illness
Tend to judge. Its also extremely hard to expect them to understand. He thinks he may
Have bipolar, but at the moment he doesn't want treatment.. I think its more him being
Scared to come to terms with the fact that he has an illness he can't control. He hates to feel like he isn't
In control. What did you do when you found out you had bipolar? Have you always had the illness? We have had a few councilling
Sessions, but they are expensive, we have just been speaking things through together when
We can.. and usually that works for us. The majority of his life he has been dealing with this illness
By himself- until he met me. His family never supported him through it. I think that because of this
He isn't used to sharing his feelings with others (when he is feeling low), he is so used to being independent
And self contained. I find it hard when he is like this, but I think it will take some time for him to let
His gaurds down and trust me with his darkest feelings.. Its just very difficult for me to sit back and watch
And feel helpless.

[eastboi]

For me all I require from mygirl when I'm going through these sorts moments I call it the up and down seasonz is simply for her to be with me understand me and not give me extra stuff to worry or think about don't worry most likely it isn't about you. It helps me to see my girl happy and smiling and when he does come to talk to you listen to him and understand his views on things. Hope it helps and best of luck

[jenniepepsi]

I wasn't sure, but I think you were talking to me maybe. If not sorry :P but I hope I help.

I have always had bipolar. But for all of my adolescence it was misdiagnosed as depression and 'teenager' behavior. All the anti depressions did was make me manic and boarderline psychosis. So I started refusing them and turned to pot (DO NOT let him do this! It's a quick fix for about 20 minutes but it will destroy more than it fixes.)

When I was an adult, and got pregannt with my baby girl, my moods balanced out perfectly (obviously preganncy isn't a good cure for him hehe)
Then when I gave birth to her, my moods went out of control again. But because I was sort of 'bipolar free' (I wasn't bipolar free, but it was getting balanced from the hormones I hope you know what I mean) because I could see the difference between being 'normal' and bipolar, I finally noticed I needed help. Once I started taking my meds (we tried many, but Geodon and Tegritol together worked SO well for me) I feel so much better. I enjoy life. I still have periods where I feel hopeless and helpless and just so tired. But they are few and far between (maybe once a year or twice a year) and they were SO SO SO less than the cycles had been. And I still get manic sometimes, but again, not SO SO SO SUPER bad and accually the manic episodes can feel good, more energy, clear headed, get a lot done, but without the psychosis that comes with manic unmedicated.

I know its hard for him. But try to focus on how much he hates not feeling in control, and gently remind him that the medication and counseling will help him be in control again.

[jessikahb88]

Tara- Thanks for the article