[JillR]

He says that I am all he needs to be happy. I actually made that argument that I couldn't be responsible for his happiness, that he needed to make himself happy.
I guess the what I've said may have come across the wrong way. I am happy with myself and I have a job that I absolutely love. He doesn't make me happy in the sense that he does not contribute to our marriage in any way. He actually has pretty much done NOTHING for ~3 years except exist. Nothing to take care of himself, of me, or of our home. I know it sounds like I am just bashing him, but I am not exaggerating. In the many times I have discussed this with him, I have asked what I could do differently because I desperately wanted to make him happy. Gemini54 was exactly right: he ignored the fact that I was not happy until I was ready to leave. He said he thought things would work themselves out. He thinks marriage shouldn't require work, just love. The reason I can say it is his fault is because he completely shut me out. He got caught up in his work and video game and completely ignored me and acted as though I wasnt' even there. For YEARS. Now he is not working so he has plenty of time to be a husband. But what about when he gets a job again? I suspect these changes will be temporary.
I think I will see if I can find a way to separate even if it's just for a few days. Then maybe I can make a decision one way or another.
What part of it was my fault? Not ending it years ago. Letting this go on for too long.

[Jake2008]

You could very well be right. That you've tried, and nothing has changed much, and doesn't look like its going to, well, maybe a break will do you good.

I know that with my husband, sometimes the most obvious things he is oblivious to, until push comes to shove, and then he says "why didn't you say anything".

Do you think that he could make permanent changes? Now that he knows how serious you are, maybe he would go to counselling and make a sincere effort.

But, how long do you wait for change, and that comes with no guarantees that it will be permanent. Old habits die hard.

I wish I had something brilliant to say to make you feel better. I know you're tettering on going one way or the other, and you have to make a very hard decision soon.

If I were in your position, a few days away would be really appealing to me to sort things through. If that's what you choose, I hope you come up with a clear head, and a plan.

Life is going to go on one way or the other.

[JillR]

Update: overnight, my husband has completely changed. He quit smoking, started exercising, comes to bed early, and cleans the house. It's been few weeks and I have been trying too. He seems nervous that he is going to do something wrong. He got a job too; he starts today.
Now I feel smothered. He is around all the time and I have no time alone. I was so accustomed to living without him. I am having a really hard time with him suddenly becoming a huge part of my life. I still don't want to let him back in my heart. I feel like I need to protect myself. He doesn't understand; he thinks I should be able to fall right back in love with him because now he is doing everything I ever wanted.
I told him again that I don't think it can work. Again, he says it's my fault that he spent the last two years playing a video game. He says he would never do that if we had kids. I didn't think he would do that in the first place, but he did. Each time I have tried to leave, he gets mad, makes it my fault, cries, and talks me into staying. This last time, he brought up how much it would hurt his mom ( who I love dearly). I think it will be very embarrassing for him if I leave because he knows it's his fault. What grown man plays a video game like that? Seriously, he wouldn't even look up when I came home from work.

The marriage counselor said that I should leave. He said I need to take a leap of faith. My husband hurt me for a long time. I think is tarted getting o er him more than a year ago. I don't think I can trust him again. He is no longer attractive e or even interesting to me. But now, I can't say I'm leaving because of his behavior; all of that has changed. How can I get him to let me go without hating me?

[Jake2008]

Sometimes it's just too little, too late.

People don't change overnight. Considering the length of time that the marriage has not been good, his very recent change is not enough. It is understandable that you would be cautious, and not yet ready to believe it is permanent.

I would wonder too, now that you know what he is capable of, why he couldn't have done even one of the things he's doing now, a year ago, or two years ago, at least it would have given you some hope.

That he's finally taking you seriously and doing what he should have been doing all along, doesn't mean he's changed.

But, you can't have it both ways. You complained when he didn't do anything, now you are complaining that he does too much.

Maybe allow some time to see what happens. You know you can't live with the 'old' husband, now you need to see if you can live with the 'new one'. Particularly since he is trying, and he's got a job.

Maybe nothing will be gained by you ending the marriage now, but you very well may end up happy that you didn't.

I would be inclined to give him some time.

[talaniman]

Not saying your wrong for having your feelings, But I do know that he is making an effort, and I think you have to give it a chance. But if you cannot, then of course he may resent that he is finally doing things differently, but it didn't work.

I think though that maybe you both let things go that made you unhappy until there was nothing left to work on between you. In a marriage, you succeed together, and fail together.

[paulspc]

Hi again... change your councilor as he should be helping you in a positive way that involves the continuation of your marriage..

[tara1]

Hi, I am not in any way qualified to give you an advise.. But after reading your post I have been wondering about why his habit of playing video games arise and thrive to this level? I think you may have a great need for privacy (you are getting smothered by attention) which has led him to adopt a very independent lifestyle within the house. If he was truly careless and that aloof, he wouldn't have been able to turn around so quick. You probably need him more present (as the title says) , but at your own beck and call. But it doesn't work like that.

Were you meeting "his" needs (not what you think were his needs) in terms of conversation, and emotional intimacy. Did he ever complaint to you about anything before he switched to video games? Give some time for his emotional upheaval to settle down so that "he" can explain his situation better.

[JillR]

Hi, I am not in any way qualified to give you an advise.. But after reading your post I have been wondering about why his habit of playing video games arise and thrive to this level? I think you may have a great need for privacy (you are getting smothered by attention) which has led him to adopt a very independent lifestyle within the house. If he was truly careless and that aloof, he wouldn't have been able to turn around so quick. You probably need him more present (as the title says) , but at your own beck and call. But it doesn't work like that.

Were you meeting "his" needs (not what you think were his needs) in terms of conversation, and emotional intimacy. Did he ever complaint to you about anything before he switched to video games? Give some time for his emotional upheaval to settle down so that "he" can explain his situation better.

He used to claim that he played the video games as a way to deal with stress from work. Now he says that I was distant and it's my fault he started playing the game. But to answer your question, no, he has never complained about anything I do or have done. (With the exception of petty things. He thinks it's silly that I like the bed made). He never mentioned to me that he thought I was distant until recently.
I think I feel smothered because he is making his happiness completely dependent on me. He doesn't do anything for himself; he is not interested in anything. If I am not doing something he can be involved in, then he watches TV.
Before this sudden change, he wasn't interested in doing anything with me other than eat dinner.
Regardless, I just think it's too far gone. He won't go to counseling. I don't think I want to risk staying with him and this happening again. At 30 years old, I can't afford to stay with someone that I wouldn't consider having kids with. I never want to be a single parent.
I am not denying that none of this is my fault; in fact, I carry an enormous amount of guilt. I feel incredibly guilty because I am not attracted to him and I don't feel any desire for him. After being together for 14 years, believe me, I know these feelings are bound to happen in any relationship. In the past, our friendship kept us together when those feelings arose. Now, I feel like he abandoned me as a friend. This time, there is no friendship to keep us together.

[jmjoseph]

I got married when I was one month shy of my 37th birthday. My wife is 5 years younger than me. We have two sons ages 7 and 5. We are the happiest we have ever been in our lives. So, to answer your question, NO you are not too old to start over and have babies. Sometimes when people age, not mature in his case, we get set in our ways. I think he will get worse, rather than better.

Without some radical counseling and work on his part, this marriage is not going to work.

You are wasting your life, and the clock is ticking. Not just your biological clock, your life clock.

Somewhere out there is a guy that will make your life whole.

If your husband is content with playing games, then let him play, in an apartment by himself.

Some people are just different, and have different priorities.

I wish you the best. It's never easy ending a relationship, but this will shorten your life worrying about why he doesn't want this , or why he does that.

[miserableny]

Hi Jill your life sounds almost parallel to mine, I am in the same situation. I have been married for 13 yrs and been with my husband total 16yrs. I met him at 21 and I should have ran. He and I live as you guys do like room mates and I am becoming extremely depressed over it. I suggest that we seek counseling and he says no because he knows what they will say, that we do not belong together. Sadly we have no intimacy you said six months for you try one year. I understand he works many hours a week but, I am alone all the time and he criticizes me now that I am working out and dieting to make myself feel better. I know you are seeking advice, but here is the jist of it get out why you are young and seek out someone who will provide you what you need. I am trying my hardest to get out as well but financially its impossible right now, I too do not have children so people say it should be easier to walk away. I am 37yrs old and really am ready to find some happiness, as you should as well. I wish you all the luck!