[JudyKayTee]

Why is it that when a man watches porn to get off with out a woman he's addict, but if a woman and I know many, my wife included can only reach that point with a vibe and do so every day, that's empowerment and therefore acceptable? I find it a cruel double standard. Maybe if you embrace your husbands source of pleasure like society would expect your man to accept and embrace your use of toys. I think you'd find yourself in a better place on this issue.

Jason

Your wife and many other women you know use a vibrator daily and this doesn't present a problem for you or, presumably, the men in the lives of those other women?

Interesting and good for you. You seem rather hostile about the whole vibrator issue but maybe that's just your writing style.

The situation here is that the husband is having "porno sex" INSTEAD of having sex with his wife, who is a willing partner and she is unhappy.

Apparently you are not unhappy with the situation. Maybe you're a better man than most. I know any number of men who would be threatened and made to feel "incompetent" if their wives/girlfriends relied on a vibrator on a daily basis. All the women you know can't possibly have extremely high sex drives. Or maybe they do.

Maybe that's your situation; maybe it's not. Maybe this was your chance to make a political statement; maybe it's not. Maybe your wife uses a vibrator daily and also has sex with you; maybe not.

However, your quasi-answer doesn't answer the question.

[sandalwood7]

As some others have said above, I think you have been really brave and done really well to openly confront this difficult issue. Communication is so so important in a relationship, otherwise resentment and dissatisfaction breeds and eventually leads to the destruction of the relationship.

I find porn a really difficult issue. In my experiencemany men watch porn in their spare time especially when they are young. I think that it becomes a problem when it starts creating a rift in your relationship, the watcher spend excessive amounts of time watching porn, or if the watcher starts to let porn dictate all aspects of their sex life including expectations of appearance etc... this probably happens all the time in our society today because porn is so easy to access on the web and is all around us.

I think that the reason that porn is watched is probably most important. Is porn an adjunct to the relationship that enhances it? (acceptable) Is porn an occasional adjunct to a persons sexual life? (acceptable) Is porn a substitute for intimacy with the other partner? (not good) Does porn become the gold-standard by which all sexual experiences are measured? (bad)

I do think that porn can be part of a healthy sexual relationship especially if the couple watches it together, or the watcher (occasionally?) shares fantasies with the other person and the other person is comfortable with that/turned on.

It sound like porn has infiltrated your husbands life... and is a problem in your relationship. I think that the most important thing for you to realise right now, is that this aspect is definitely not your fault. Porn may not be the only problem however... It may be a symptom of other problems? Why did you stop being intimate in the first place.. I don't believe that this is a simple case of him not being physically attracted to you... What was your relationship like before? Did you have a good connection in the first place (were you both in love?) In other words have you lost something?? If this is the case then why did things start to go wrong... Was it poor communication? Conflict of some sort? Another woman/man? Disagreements? Sexual problems? Shyness? You need to think really hard about these things and that means both of you. You need to talk about what went wrong, any resentments you may both bear. There are always reasons we choose to isolate ourselves from those we love. The truth may be hard to bear but you can only get through this if you identify things that you can work through... HONESTY and COMMUNICATION.

From my point of view it sounds like you have lost your sense of self in this relationship. You are making all of the effort in this relationship. You have taken the problems of this relationship on your shoulders. The bottom line is that YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY AND MAKE AN EFFORT AND ALSO STOP BEING SUCH AN . Otherwise he is going to lose you. He needs to look within himself and make some changes. You deserve better right and don't forget that.

You need to remember who you are and remember the good things about yourself... I don't know what they are... (your qualities, your motherhood, your body, your health, your friends, people who value you). I know from experience that a bad relationship can eat away at yourself confidence and can become the bench post by which you define yourself and yourself worth. Don't LET IT BE THIS WAY... Remember to be a person/individual in a relationship and don't get lost in the relationship.

About the weight thing... Don't starve yourself! Please... Be proud to be pregnant. It is a wonderful thing. Most women put on weight during preganncy and there is nothing that can be done about it. I agree with Joseph: he should be making you feel attractive during this time because a lot of women feel moody and frumpy and not themselves during pregnancy. Don't judge yourself by your weight. Eat for your baby. He is an if he is going to be usupportive during your pregnancy.

One last thing. In my experience, men don't always pick up on things/feelings/subtleties/hints. You need to be very vocal about what you are feeling (use I statements) and what you need (be specific) and what you want him to do about it (this could be about anything that you feel) e.g. say things like "I feel really sad that we dont have sex anymore. It makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. It is really important to me that we have sex sometimes otherwise I feel very alone and upset"

Keep up the good work

[Estel]

Hi is it too late to comment on this, I would like to know how your relationship is after the baby, its been a few years now. I am in the exact situation as you are, exactly I got goose bumps reading your story. Please comment I would like to discuss this with someone who is in the same boat as I am. Married for 11 years to a sexless marriage I have an 8 year old son and I have been sleeping in my sons room now for 6 years now, we have sex about 2 -3 times a year, its horrible.