[Julie Benette]

I love my husband and my husband loves me. But I'm neither sexually attracted to him, nor are we intellectually compatible. He senses this, so taunts me every chance he's got to prove I'm inferior to him. So much that I'm losing faith in myself these days; and simply give up things I would have fought for just to avoid argument. It hasn't gone so far as physical abuse, but I feel that's because he's scared of going to jail; as he's proved he's got lots of anger twice before and abuses drugs every chance he got.

Why am I not leaving him? Because I feel sorry for him. He'd had a tough childhood; been in the military and still suffers from nightmares and tries to do everything in his power to make me happy. But the fact that our marriage has been almost asexual from the beginning is bothering me more as each day goes by. I can't afford to bring this to his attention because he becomes tense and defensive; accusing me of all kinds of sins on the world. We can't afford counciling. And I fear I'd soon decide to look for love outside my marriage and my husband may end up hurting. And hurting me.

[N0help4u]

Why do you feel sorry for someone who THINKS you are the one that is pathetic?
He must think you are pathetic for him to treat you this way. Face it, you are only staying so he can have a verbal punching bag!

You either like the package deal of him + his baggage or you get fed up enough to tell him changes need to be made or you are leaving.
Start with counselling so you have someone that can make him listen to your real feelings without him going off on you.

Cheating won't solve a thing. It will only complicate matters more.

[dolly210]

Feeling sorry for him is not a good reason for staying with him. If you really loved him and he really loved you, you wouldn't have thoughts of cheating.

If your having thoughts of cheating you shouldn't be with him. If you really wanted to solve this problem without divorce, you should get counseling. I know yousay you can't afford counseling, but the REAL question is : Can you afford not to get counseling?

[s_cianci]

"Feeling sorry" for someone is not a good reason to be with them. This sounds like an abusive and very unhealthy situation. Most assuredly it will only get worse. I'd think long and hard about staying in this one.

[artlady]

You say you love him but you aren't leaving because of pity.
Are you staying because of love or pity?

If he was in the military he should have veterans benefits and that would include counseling.

Many military families suffer because of PTSD and he can and should be getting help.

He is putting you down because of his own feelings of inferiority.That is what bullies do.It is fear.

He is also self medicating to mask his pain.These are cries for help but he must be willing to do some work.

Call the Veterans Administration and find out what counseling benefits you are entitled to.

This issue is bigger than the both of you and you need professional intervention.

[Gemini54]

I had to spread the rep artlady, but great suggestions.

It sounds to me like he is in a lot of emotional pain and that he's taking it out on you. The differences that you describe, of intellect and sexuality, can erode a relationship and make it untenable.

I agree that you need professional intervention.

In the meantime I'd be putting a strategy into place to block his comments that are belittling of you. Don't respond to his taunts and let him know that his behavior is eroding the love that you feel for him. Be really clear with him that you won't listen or put up with it any more.

Don't react, don't respond when he does it - just remove yourself from the situation. Each time you respond to this type of behavior you 'feed' it as he knows he has hurt you. So don't act hurt - ignore it.

Yourself respect and physical safety are more important than feeding his bullying nature.

[I wish]

As the others have pointed out, you can't stay with someone out of pity.

It sounds like he's put you down so much that you don't have enough confidence in yourself to leave him. He's got some sort of emotional control over you.

You need to realize that you two are different people. You have your needs and he has his. He might be able to provide to some of your needs, but obviously not enough, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for help.

Sounds like he has a lot of personal problems. Even if you had marriage counselling, it might not address his personal issues. So I'm going to take a different direction, I do not suggest that you get a divorce immediately, but maybe some time apart so that you can work on yourselves first.

He obviously has some issues to work on, but you also need to regain your self-esteem. By spending some time apart, each of you can work on your own issues and you will be in a better position to work on this marriage afterwards. But if you continue together without marriage counselling, I fear that things will only get worse.

After some time of working on yourselves, maybe you'll even realize that you're definitely not good for each other and you will move on with your life.