[Douglasvillian]

This will be a long one...
My girlfriend and I have been together almost 5 years. We are grownups, in our 30's but both still finishing school. In our time together we have been very happy and very good to and for each other, doing a lot of amazing things together and also having a good regular life together. Up until a few months ago, we never really "fought", but we have had some disagreements or heated exchanges, but always worked things out amicably and maturely.
About a year ago we moved away together to New Orleans because we had both wanted the adventure of living somewhere far away and exotic. Immediately after we moved, things changed in my mind. She turned a weekend home for a school reunion into a week or so home, and didn't seem to care that it bothered me that she wasn't honest with me and that taking a vacation right after an expensive move would seriously interfere with the plans we had made for doing some things. We went out and did things, but not as much as when we lived at home. She seemed depressed and withdrawn, and only really got excited when her friends would come to visit. I kept trying to talk to her about it but she always quietly avoided it. Finally one night I lost it. We had a terrible fight and I brought up every last thing she had ever done that raised questions in my head. Arguing got us nowhere, so we cooled down and agreed we would talk about it another time, but again she quietly avoided it. We had a second fight a few months later when she finally got a long weekend off from work and immediately invited friends to come stay. I told her that I was really upset that we weren't getting along because I wanted us to to get busy with the things we moved there to do, and here she is inviting friends down instead. She accused me of trying to keep her friends from her, but I really just wanted the same special treatment like she gave them, like she used to give me. Yes, I was jealous and felt completely unimportant to her and I told her this.
I thought long and hard about everything and decided that if I love her that I have to give her more space. I told her all of this and I meant it. We agreed we would move home as soon as we could afford to and agreed that missing our friends was making us both miserable.
Finally, she came out one night crying and said that since our fight that night that she felt differently and that she couldn't be with me anymore. She said that I keep her from her friends and that she feels like nothing is ever good enough for me, that she can't make me happy and that she is unhappy. I was mortified. All I could do was plead with her that I didn't mean to hurt her that night, that I was just scared and hurt, that I couldn't understand why she waited to tell me she had her doubts. I swore that she does make me happy, that I was just lonely and scared that her actions meant she didn't want to be with me, but that I hadn't thought that for a long time. All I wanted was a little more of her time, a little more consideration, and for her to come to me a little more.
In the weeks while we were preparing to move home she said that she changed her mind, and that she had decided too quickly. We agreed to move home together and live near each other, and just take a little space. Immediately she was unhappy. We spent our first night home together and had a beautiful night. It was a rough adjustment for me and it didn't help that she immediately started acting like she didn't want to be around me. I was so confused and got really upset. She immediately stopped returning my calls and texts. She would make plans with me and then not show, no call, no text. The only thing that got her to pay any attention to me was to make her feel bad for me, so I went with that and immediately decided this to be a terrible idea.
I wrote her a nice letter explaining everything and promising to just give her all of the space she wanted. I explained that my door would be open to her and that I would wait for her as long as she needed. Since then we have seen each other once or twice, but both times she declined to spend the night and I didn't argue with her about it. The last time I saw her we watched a movie, gave each other massages, and kissed a little. She seemed better. Then she went to leave and kind of hurried out. I told her that I wanted to let her know what is going on over the weekend in case she wanted to join me, but she really frowned awkwardly at this. I left her alone then all weekend except to agree on a time to meet the following week for my birthday.
I can't seem to stop thinking about her. It hurts not knowing when we will get our life together back. I'm worried and jealous a lot. I think every new friend she makes on Facebook is the next likely guy that will sweep her off her feet and save her from this awful dependency she sees me as becoming. I have become a total wreck and I can't let her know, and she doesn't want to know anyway. I can't let her know how weak I am without her but I miss her so much. I can't sleep more than a few hours a night. I barely eat. I stay busy and have been seeing friends but I am totally consumed by this. I am scared to death she is already moving on or that it is all hopeless. I feel like I am holding on to something that might be gone. One day she says to just give her a little space and everything will be fine. The next day she tells me she feels like she is just going through the motions. One day she breezes into conversation about how we'll be living together in a few moths. The next day she asks me what if she just wants to get on with the rest of her life without me. I don't know if she's really confused or if she can't just end it because she doesn't want to hurt me, or maybe because we still have a lot of practical ties like a cel fon, some furniture I have of hers, etc...
I have decided to put things on a time limit. I have decided that I have to move on if she can't make a decision or commitment. I decided to give her until Thanksgiving, 9 weeks from now, to either make up her mind and have a normal relationship again or that I have to be the one to move on. Between now and then my only hope is to leave her alone completely but I can't. How do I resist the urge to call her or text her? How do I stop myself from wanting to ask her to do things or just see how her day, week went. How do I get by when I don't know anything at all about her life anymore. How do I wait, and wait, and wait and not completely lose my mind? Is this doomed or does anyone out there have a story like this that has a happy ending to share? What the hell do I do??

[paxe]

She's lost because she wants you on the side while she looks for something else. She's not doing on purpose, she's is just afraid of being alone but she took her decision. It seems 9 weeks is too much. You should move on right now by yourself. Treat it as a break up. She seems irrationel and "confused" that's just her saying, "you are not right for me, but i'll keep you waiting just in case nothing better pops out". Trust me I've been there.

[amicon]

Don't wait in the wings for weeks hoping she ll come back.She s keeping you on hold as her fallback guy and you d be much better off moving on with your own life and accept that this is a break up.

[Gemini54]

Sadly, I think that it's over. Sometimes being on your own away from friends with only each other to rely on can bring out the worst in our relationships rather than the best.

Clearly she was not ready to be away from home and her friends and could not or would not talk to you about it. Perhaps you are needy and dependent and she was afraid to hurt you. Perhaps being together without any other supports made her see a different side to you. Perhaps you were too focused on what she was doing wrong and not focused enough on what was wrong with her. It does sound like it was a lot about you - but then you're the one telling the story, so who knows?

I think 9 weeks is too long. You need to make a choice soon, not leave it to her. Her behavior is not the behavior of someone that wants to be in a relationship. She wants her life and it sounds as if you're not a part of that. Look at the facts - she's either keeping you on a string or afraid to hurt you because she knows you're a train wreck. Either way, she doesn't want to be with you.

I think that you need to leave this situation with some dignity. Give her two weeks - what difference is it going to make - 2 weeks or 9 weeks? It's going to hurt like hell, but if you take some control in this situation you will at least have some self respect, and not be the blubbering mess you are at the moment. If you don't you will just continue to wonder, hope and suffer.

Take care... there IS life after relationships.

[Starry nights]

I totally agree with Gem on this one.People in love have arguments and want to make up bad so that they can continue being happy with each other.In your case,you want it but the woman you love,doesn't seem to want a discussion or sorting things out.In my opinion,you need to back off A LOT and literally give her all the space she needs without keeping an eye out for how she reacts or doesn't react.Let her go till she herself feels she's gone far away from you.She wants space--give it to her without thinking.If she's yours,she'll come back to you.If she doesn't,in the next 15/20 days,then we will need to talk about moving on.


Having to re-think a five yr old relationship isn't easy and I really feel for you.But life's got these mean surprises up its sleeve ,over which we have no control.What we do have control over is,our own approach towards them.So,just switch off from the relationship thingy for now.Just switch off.Dont think much or get into "What I need to fix to get her back" mode.Just stop thinking about this for the next 15 days and go about YOUR life,which has nothing to do with her.Even if this takes up all your strength and will power.